I'm really a good person

[Blackberry78]

Does anyone else have a pwBPD that seems to regularly feel they need to make the point they are a good person?

And, how about them saying "What is everyone's problem today? Everybody is treating me with disrespect!" And then you want to scream "It's YOU!"

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

I used to try to prove to my uBPDh that I was good enough. But I wore myself out doing it. And I could NEVER meet his standard. Each time I'd jump toward a standard he would raise it higher and higher.

That's what devaluation is. They spend time idolizing you, putting you on a pedastal and then when you no longer meet their every changing standard, you become the enemy. You lose value in their eyes because you aren't pretty enough, you don't think of them enough, you don't clean the house enough, don't lose weight, etc. even though you are running yourself tired trying to be those things for him/her.

Find your own value to yourself. Set your own standards and don't apologize for them. He cannot change you and you shouldn't jump through hoops that hurt you mentally, physically, and emotionally.

[Portent]

Yep they say it all the damn time.

Im a good person.

Im not a monster.

Im a good mother.

They know its not true. We all have good and evil within us. What makes us good or bad is which side we listen too. Many BPDs know that they are bad people because they do bad things. Theh try snd convince themselves that they are good people because deep down inside the damaged child is a good. Too bad they dont listen to thst side of their personality and instead choose to do bad things to so many people.

[Aesir]

I think it's projection. They tear you down so they can convince themselves that they are better than you are. They are innocent and a martyr and the rest of the world is evil. I spent years trying to show that I'm not a bad man but it never mattered. The same old arguments.

[Blackberry78]

I think some of you are missing my point. I am not trying to convince my PWBPD I'm a good person, I know I am. HE is continually saying it about himself and can't understand why "everyone" is also disrespecting him. He has a very skewed view on what is considered appropriate conversation and if anyone strays from that, they are "talking to him like ___". Something that most people wouldn't find offensive, he does. I need a freaking flow chart.

[Portent]

Understand they will never accept that they are bad people.

[bananas2]

Blackberry: Yes, Yes, and Yes! I hear it all the time from my BPD H.
I could say something as simple as "You forgot to take the garbage out," to which he erupts, "Yes, I DID forget! That doesn't make me a bad person, ya know! I'm a good person & you can't tell me otherwise!" Exasperating.
I have to remember that as a child, he was constantly told he was bad & worthless. Of course this leads to the BPD viewpoint of everything being black or white. In their world, there are no gray areas. They cycle between idolizing and devaluing us, so of course it stands to reason they do that to themselves too.
When he does that, I just try to remind him that very few ppl are simply "good" or "bad." Most ppl are good ppl who make mistakes. Their mistakes don't define them and therefore don't make them "bad" people.