Upset that I scheduled a therapy appointment

[Rose1316]

I scheduled a therapy appointment a few weeks ago and my first appointment will be next week.  My uBPDh will not watch our children and I do not have a babysitter.  I usually don't make any appointments for myself, but when it's absolutely necessary he usually comes into the appointment with me so I can watch the kids as much as possible while he just sits there.  Anyway, I want the therapy session to be private but I knew I had to tell him about it but I've been dreading his reaction.  I finally broke down last night and told him I had an appointment, when and where it was, and if he did not want to watch the kids at home, then he could wait in the waiting room with them or just wait in the car with the kids. 

He was very angry -- called me a liar, a manipulator and after yelling at me (in front of the kids, of course), he barely spoke to me the rest of the night.  He told me I was only going to tell lies.  He asked if the therapist would be able to prescribe medication, and I told him I was going to see a psychologist not a psychiatrist and I was just looking to talk to someone and was not interested in taking medications.  He kept asking me why not, what if they think I need to be medicated?   

I am not perfect, but I just don't understand how he can look at our relationship and view me as being the problem.  He always tells me that there's something wrong with me, that I have postpartum depression, I am selfish and greedy.  I know I am not those things but it really gets me down sometimes.  He has been going to therapy for a few months now himself and I was very happy when he started and have encouraged him for years, but I've gotten discouraged and think he is only going for anxiety medications... .he is a very big pill seeker and seems to like to mix pain medicine with anxiety meds, along with claiming to be sick or have a headache every day as well and takes cold/flu meds or anything over the counter as well.  I'm not really sure what or why, but his mother was committed and diagnosed with BPD at one point and his behaviors are almost identical, although I would say he is much higher functioning. 

Anyway, today he is acting as if nothing happened yesterday.  The stress of never knowing how he will react or what he will say is overwhelming. 

[Notwendy]

I think it is great that you are asking for help- and whether or not your H likes it, isn't his place to say. If you had a sore throat, would he have the right to stop you from going to the doctor? You have every right to take care of yourself.

If he presses you for details, all you have to say is that " I need help- and I need to speak to a professional".

Fear makes someone controlling. Your H has fears you will talk about him, and probably fears the  T will tell you to leave him. You should talk about him, but I don't think a good T will tell you to leave unless he/she thought you were in imminent physical danger. What I think is likely to happen is that the T would want to learn more about the situation to try to help you. Is speak from the experience of talking to a T but not ever had a T tell me exactly whether to stay or to leave.

Do you have another person who can watch the kids? I ask this because if your H doesn't want you to go, he might back out. My H refused to watch our kids when they were little. This helped manage his fears that I might leave if I got to go out on my own. That wasn't a real fear as I didn't ever say or threaten that. A couple of times he agreed and then backed out at the last minute. I realized that if I really wanted to do something, I had to not rely on him to watch the kids. If this becomes a weekly session, then something like preschool, day care, a babysitter, mother's morning out ( I don't know the age of the kids) can give you a regular time to go to the counselor.

[Frankiesgirl]

I have had a similar experience, but my partner was so enraged that I have had to hide the fact that I continue to see a therapist.  Keep going.  You need to do what's right for you also.

[Larmoyant]

Rose1316, Welcome to BPD Family   I had a similar experience too. My ex was furious when I told him about therapy and would try to sabotage appointments, e.g. call in the middle of them, denigrate the profession, rage, insult her and demand to know what was said.  Despite him regularly bulldozing other boundaries I stuck with this one, never discussed what was said and continued to see her. I’d like to encourage you to do the same. She provided much needed support as I worked through the dynamics of the relationship. It sounds as if you need support right now. Not knowing what to expect, walking on eggshells, is debilitating and will continue to wear you down. Hopefully, you can get an alternative caretaker if need be, and it’s something you could discuss with the therapist. Good for you for reaching out in the first place. Therapy really did help me and I wish the same for you.

[formflier]

Good on you for setting up an appointment!   

Big picture:  The less you talk about your T with your hubby... .the better.

"I appreciate you watching the kids.  I'm going to gain insight into improving myself.  Please trust that whenever T says something should be shared with you, I will do so."

All that being said.  Find backup plans for childcare. 

FF

[CrossroadsGuyMn]

All I can say after reading this is that I'm very glad that I haven't revealed my therapy visits to my BPDw.

I intentionally did not for the fear of a blow up.  I kind of thought that maybe I was being paranoid, or dishonest... .but I see now that maybe I made a good decision.

Please keep seeing your T.

Taking good care of yourself is extremely important.  I've found much solace in knowing that I just have to make it 7 days, and I can talk to my therapist.  It has given me much strength.

[Rose1316]

As an update -- the day before my appointment was really horrible.  My H asked if my T was a male or female.  I had a feeling that whatever I told him would be the wrong answer, but informed him T was female.  He then went into a rant about how I saw a female T a few years ago and she was a quack.  He said that she told me during the first visit to leave him and after we discussed my sessions together, we decided she was a quack and that is why I stopped going to see her.  This is entirely untrue and I really think that my H believes whatever lies he tells himself to feel better about the situation.  Just frustrating... .especially when you are told that you are crazy and something is wrong with you for not remembering.

I made it to the session and all went well.  My H pestered me a while afterwards to see if there was anything I wanted to discuss but overall his reaction afterwards wasn't nearly as bad as I imagined. 

I think going forward I will do the best I can to see the T without mentioning it to my husband.  If I can avoid a blowup at any cost, I try to do so! 

[formflier]

I think going forward I will do the best I can to see the T without mentioning it to my husband.  If I can avoid a blowup at any cost, I try to do so! 

Can I challenge you a bit on this.

Don't walk on eggshells.  Let your hubby know when you are going and let him manage his reaction to that.

I would talk this through with your T... perhaps she can coach you.

I would not discuss details of T with your hubby.

FF