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Author Topic: How to ask simple questions without a 10 minute tensified "go -a - round".  (Read 403 times)
Shawna76

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« on: January 27, 2017, 05:58:25 PM »

Hello Everyone.
My husband has BPD. We are going to counseling. The counselor hasn't revealed it to him yet. He still isn't ready to put a name to it. (Long story). I have had to really adjust my own way of dealing with him. I know that I am co - dependent and all the extra that has caused me to be with him. Our 5 year marriage has been a long one.

So we are currently at a place where he is trying to get past his trust issues with me. I have decided to work on how I respond to him not taking everything so personal. I'm trying to be more supportive and not trying to "fix" everything.  It's hard to get on board with someone who switches occupations more then underwear.

One area that I struggle with is just getting simple answers from him. Let me explain.

I'm currently working to get a license to help him with one of his many side gigs. When trying to ask him questions about the material I'm studying, he over talks me. Doesn't really listen to my question. We go around in circles just to get a simple answer. I will even text the question to him and he still doesn't read the text thru before responding. This is especially true when I ask for confirmation or clarity with a question were I kind of already know the answer. It's almost like he can't stand for me to be right without his direction. It's like, "I couldn't tell if you was correct because you didn't state the question properly".  After minutes of me continuously redirecting the question. I will go back to stating the question the way I originally wrote it down, THEN he will finally give the answer as to "Yes, you are correct", Or "No, it's actually... .".

By this time, I'm frustrated. My tone has changed to sounding irritated. He has become defensive. To make peace I find myself apologizing for "not stating the question correctly". I'm exhausted.

My concern is that I don't want the situation to blow up because many past arguments start off with just simple questions and end up with police knocking on my door.  Not because he has physically abused him. It's because I have reacted inappropriately with jumping on his head after two minutes of being told how stupid I am and how he is smarter than me because he got better grades. And he doesn't trust me. I'm not sexy enough. Yadda. Yadda. (For every argument he uses the same "go - to" hurtful wording against me.)

So with that brief summary of how the simply things always seem to blow up in my face. Can anyone give advise on how to respond to to him with out the added tension. And can anyone explain what is going on with him so that I can better understand why he does this? Thanks in advance!
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2017, 10:00:23 PM »

Hey Shawna76:   

Even if you take BPD out of the equation, some teacher/student situations aren't good.  Is there any other way you can get your questions answered - the Internet, instructor, fellow student, etc?  Sounds like you husband is impatient.  One situation with people with BPD  (pwBPD) is that they tend to behave better with people outside of the family. It's generally a family member that they tend to dump their emotions on.

My father had BPD traits.  When I was young, in the old days before computers, my parents used to do their own income tax preparation.  It generally didn't go well, my dad usually got angry and I can remember episodes of "The Silent Treatment" that would last for weeks. Thank goodness, they eventually started using a tax accountant.

Quote from: Shawna76
many past arguments start off with just simple questions and end up with police knocking on my door.  Not because he has physically abused him. It's because I have reacted inappropriately with jumping on his head   
I think I need to check my understanding on the above wording (perhaps something isn't worded correctly).  Are you literally jumping on his head?  Who calls the police, you, him or perhaps a neighbor?

There are links to lessons in the margin to the right of this post.  That can be a good place to start.

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waverider
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« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2017, 12:34:46 AM »

I can't get simple answers, I get a monologue that has an enormous amount of irrelevant side issues. When trying to redirect, I get a simple "let me finish". By the end I have gone to sleep.

I just work stuff out for myself now. I would never even contemplate trying to work alongside my wife in any way shape or form. It would be fraught with frustration and conflict. Especially onc eit becomes obvious you can do it better or faster.

If he is pushing your buttons disengage and walk away
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Notwendy
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« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2017, 06:05:58 AM »

For some reason, that I don't understand, my H seems to see questions as a power play. The one who asks the questions is the one in control. To answer, is a form of submission. I have found that if I ask him a question, he will either ask one back, or give a vague evasive answer. This is irritating, but if I continue to ask the question, he responds as if he is under some kind of personal attack.

I think it gives him a sense of control by not answering directly. To answer directly would be "defeat" with me winning.

Discussion of a disagreement or difference of opinion isn't perceived as an attempt at resolution, but as a competition to be "won". He's in it to "win". Basically- he does- because it isn't my style or wish to engage in this.

I used to get distressed and persist, but now, I disengage. Since you have a question about a professional license, a professional in your field may be more helpful. As to working with your H, the intimacy of the relationship may be an issue as BPD affects intimate relationships the most. For my H, it is mainly with me, and traits. He's great to work with if that is the basis of the relationship, but I think we'd have difficulty doing that together. Although you have a professional relationship as well, the relationship tools will help you navigate that. You will have to ask some questions. I find that e mail questions work better than face to face as then, he can respond on his own time and terms. More control there than being asked to answer in the moment.

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isilme
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« Reply #4 on: January 30, 2017, 09:57:41 AM »

Excerpt
I can't get simple answers, I get a monologue that has an enormous amount of irrelevant side issues.

Yes.  I ask "do we need ketchup?" and get a diatribe about all the things he uses ketchup on, but never a definitive, "yes" or "no".  I have to ask again, "So... .yes?" to try to let him know that while he said a lot, none of it answered the actual question.  When I am not in the most validating of moods, I admit to making the statement "a yes or a no would have taken less time and is all I need".  I have to ask him all the time to "use his words".  It's a bit of a joke from a movie, and he uses it back on me when I get stuck talking. I have some sort of issue where when I get really tired I "lose" words and have to resort to the simplest I can think of, or I speak backward and out of order.  So it's not meant to be mean, but to lighten up the fact he's not telling me what I need, and instead is spending a lot of time talking about things that don't actually convey information, just his emotional state. 

And I think that H takes questions as attacks.  I simply need data - does he want something from the store, and he seems to feel there is a judgment of his request inherent in the question.  I frankly don't care what he wants as long as it's not ridiculous in price, he actually eats/uses it, and they actually carry it in town. 

As far as assisting with anything like a license or other process, I try to stay out of it. H has little to no patience for paperwork.  H freaks out every year at tax time, and if I left the bills and other obligations to him they'd be skipped because he would not want to deal with them.  Since we finally got married, I am trying to get him to send my his W2, so I can just do our taxes and get them done. I do them in February as soon as I have all the paperwork.  He likes to wait till April 14th - no exaggeration. 

It's taken him many many years to realize that if he pays his student loan the same time each month, they stop calling.  So, for peace of mind I only leave him in charge of things that don't hurt us horribly if they are late, forgotten, ignored, or he simply does not do them. 

My dad was like the other poster's who would get angry about taxes, save his anger was mostly centered on the assembly of things, or repair.  He'd freak out in frustration after a while, maybe halfway break something because he did not follow the instructions, and storm away.  I'd sneak in as a child, read the instructions, and finish assembly, thinking I was helping... .I guess I was really invalidating him by showing a child could do it when he could not, be my dad is an a$$hole anyway, so whatever.   
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Lockjaw
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« Reply #5 on: January 30, 2017, 10:47:23 AM »

I get the courtroom yes or no questions, that aren't yes or no answers.

Something like this, in the midst of an argument. Do you want to see me, yes or no? Well its not that simple, yes I do, unless you want to keep arguing, then no I don't.

I would bet better than half the questions I ask mine go unanswered. Especially if it relates to her behavior.

We were using the "rules" we found online about how to communicate last night. On the phone. She kept interrupting me, which is one of the rules. So I finally said about 5 or 6 times, if you don't stop I am hanging up. She kept right on talking, so I hung up.

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bananas2
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« Reply #6 on: January 30, 2017, 12:49:20 PM »

I didn't realize until reading this post that this seems to be a common problem with pwBPD not answering questions. My BPD H does the same.
I absolutely agree with NotWendy that it gives the pwBPD a sense of control to not answer directly. My H has admitted (in a rare moment of honesty) that lies of omission give him a sense of control bc it means that he knows something that I don't and it therefore makes him feel empowered. Lies of omission and not directly answering questions are pretty much the same thing.
My therapist has helped me learn a different way of approaching questions with him: I've started making it a "we" situation instead of a "me" situation now when I ask questions. Example: Instead of saying "I" need to know when you are getting paid," I'll say "If you can let me know when they pay you, then we can have the money deposited by Friday and go out to dinner together." This way, it lets him know "we are in this together" instead of me vs. him.
I've noticed that also using "if we do... ./then we get... ." (in a positive way), seems to help him feel less threatened/defensive/controlled."
I'm just starting to work on it, but like anything, it takes practice.
Hope this helps.
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« Reply #7 on: January 30, 2017, 04:09:07 PM »

I had no idea that others were having problems with questions.  It is the strangest thing to me.  Typical conversation between us may go like this - Him:  what is for dinner?  Me:  I don't know, are you hungry right now?  Him: I am so sick of you answering a question with a question.   What do you think?  Why else would I ask what was for dinner?  

Then if I would ask, for example, do we have ketchup?  He will answer, do you see any ketchup?  Makes me crazy.  

I do think it is about power in the conversation.


Just circular around and around.  I have learned to answer the question definitively.  Like, I was planning to cook meatloaf.  Then he can say if that is a good option for him.


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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #8 on: January 30, 2017, 08:23:23 PM »

I'm currently working to get a license to help him with one of his many side gigs. When trying to ask him questions about the material I'm studying, he over talks me. Doesn't really listen to my question. We go around in circles just to get a simple answer.

It may well be a losing proposition, and your best bet is not to do it at all. Two alternatives come to mind:

1. Ask your questions of somebody else, or otherwise research it without him.

2. Since this license is intended to help him, and he's being difficult about it, maybe you should just drop the whole thing, and not bother to get the license, and not help him on these gigs?

If you still need to do it, perhaps a more detailed description of one incident will give us some idea what you could do differently to get an answer faster or easier.
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believer55
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« Reply #9 on: January 30, 2017, 08:44:28 PM »

I know too well the long-winded answer and the question about dinner that turns into a lecture about our relationship. Not good - but now I can see I am not alone. pwBPD likes to hear their own voice I think and the lecturing seems to tie in with grandiose thoughts that he sees things so clearly (to him) and is much more knowledgeable than me that is gives him a sense of power and of feeling better than me.

Like WaveRider - I too have begun to drift off during these episodes and stop making eye contact which just escalates things even further.

No answer sorry - just know you are not alone xxx
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Shawna76

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« Reply #10 on: January 31, 2017, 01:09:45 PM »

Thank you all for your advise. I now have a better understanding as to WTH is happening when simply questions are asked. Yes, to Naughty Nibbler. I myself suffer from a PTSD from lots of abuse I suffered as a child. Mostly from my step mother who I now believe she is a pwBPD along with a few other disorders. I'm learning thru my own therapy that my H (pwBPD) has keyed in on my triggers such as yelling to me that I'm stupid. He has learned how to defuse the issue at hand betting that I will respond with violence. So there have been times where I have jumped across the room and attacked him. He is the one who always calls the police on me. Thankfully, those days are over. Now I know how to control myself so that I don't respond with "fight". Thank you all so much.
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