Married to uBPD 16 years, we sleep in separate rooms last 10 yrs

[flower211]

So, my husband, who I believe to have uBPD, and I have been married for 16 years. We have 3 children together (ages 8,6,and 3). I'm a stay at home mom recently diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease, Mixed Connective Tissue Disease, as well as going to school online half time while feeling completely wiped out and exhausted most days from this disease.
Anyway, I wanted to find out if any other Non-BPD's have trouble sleeping with/next to/ in the same room as their significant other with BPD?
When we were younger, there were SO many nights where I would have trouble sleeping beside him in bed and he would get SO furious, it was terrifying. A few times he even threw things at me, or another time he upended the mattress we were sleeping on   . These episodes happened, like, over 10 or more years ago, but the rage attacks gave me PTSD, which I think I already had developed from some traumatic experiences in childhood of my own.
So, back to the topic.
I stopped sharing a bed with my husband in 2006 after we purchased our first home. At first, it was because of the snoring. But later, when we tried to sleep together again, I found myself so hypervigilent in his presence that I literally could not shut off my stiff, fearful body response.
Bottom line is, I sleep better alone. I feel safer, more at peace and secure. This may not be 100% his creation- like I said, I had a traumatic childhood, as well.
I'm just wondering if any other partners or spouses struggling to sleep next to their BPD? Or just prefer to sleep elsewhere at night?

My husband gives me guilt trips over this, tells me how lonely he is and wants me there with him at night. But the thing is, my health issues involve me waking several times in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, snack, take some calming meds, and go back to sleep. I don't feel secure with him enough to know for sure with any kind of certainty that he is not going to erupt in yet another fit of rage in the middle of the night because I woke him up.

This is an issue that bothers me deeply, as it is something he brings up constantly. Our sex life is fine, btw. I just can't sleep beside my husband.

Is there anyone in my boat, who can relate?

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[livednlearned]

Hi flower211,

I'm no longer with my son's BPD father, though when we were together, I slept most nights alone. When we were in tender cycles, I would start off in the bed together then move to my own bed in the guest room. 

He has restless leg syndrome and claimed to be a lucid dreamer, and like you, I was very hyper vigilant at night and didn't sleep well. He also snored (big drinker) and it was just easier to sleep in another room.

You need your strength to be in these relationships. I understand feeling guilty, and also think it's ok to gift yourself a good night's rest. You have three kids, and a challenging health issue, too.

Have you tried any of the communication skills like SET to reassure him?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Flower211:  

 I'm a stay at home mom recently diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease, Mixed Connective Tissue Disease, as well as going to school online half time while feeling completely wiped out and exhausted most days from this disease.  

I'm sorry you are struggling with an autoimmune disease.  I can hear that it is tough for you.  Sleep is important for our health in general and more important when we are dealing with a health issue.

When we were younger, there were SO many nights where I would have trouble sleeping beside him in bed and he would get SO furious, it was terrifying. A few times he even threw things at me, or another time he upended the mattress we were sleeping on.

I stopped sharing a bed with my husband in 2006 after we purchased our first home. At first, it was because of the snoring. But later, when we tried to sleep together again, I found myself so hypervigilant in his presence that I literally could not shut off my stiff, fearful body response  

It is understandable that you would want to sleep separately.  If you don't feel safe, you can't get a good night's sleep. Then, the snoring.   Sounds like you both have issues with sleep.

Have you thought about having an occasional episode of sleeping in the same bed (once a week, etc.)?  Perhaps, if you are up and down a lot, you might occasionally join him for some cuddling, either at the beginning or the end of a sleep period.   Either you start out with him, and move to your own bed, after the first episode of getting up; or you start out in your bed and then join him, after one of the last episodes of getting up.

You might get a bit less sleep, on the occasion you join your husband in bed, but if it's an occasional thing, then the impact on you should be minimal.  Just something to consider.  Each time you try spending a little sleep time in bed with him, the more comfortable you can get.  

This is an issue that bothers me deeply, as it is something he brings up constantly. Our sex life is fine, btw. I just can't sleep beside my husband.  Anyway, I wanted to find out if any other Non-BPD's have trouble sleeping with/next to/ in the same room as their significant other with BPD?  

Good to hear that your sex life is fine.    I'm sure that others will join you in on the  discussion of sleeping in the same bed.  The link below, leads to an older thread about BPD and Sleep.  You might be interested in reading it.

BPD and Sleep
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=227268.0

[Kate Noel]

My husband, not me, has insisted on sleeping apart from the start of our relationship.  He has claimed many reasons over the years - his snoring, he thrashes around at night and doesn't want to hit me, he likes his exclusively own space at the end of a day dealing with 'people' etc.  I would love to snuggle up to him at night but it's just the way he wants it.

[isilme]

BPD and sleep-time issues seem pretty rpevalent.

I also grew up in a home where I learned to be hypervigilant as an only child with 2 BPD parents who liked to fight violently at night, or would leave me alone in the house so Dad could drive Mom for her latest Demerol fix at the ER 45 minutes away (the closer ones cut her off). 

H gets wound up before bed, and so I try to wind down, get calm, and have a somewhat OC bedtime set of requirements to check off to be able to try to sleep.  Shower?  Check.  Wash hair and shave legs? Check.  Kitchen straight if not clean.  Make sure doors are all locked, the thermostat is set correctly for overnight weather, any clothes in dryer have been set to dry if not already finished.  Sheets straight, and even across the bed.  Nightlight on.  Aromatherapy diffuser for congestion on.  Book and iPad in reach, chapstick easy to find in dark, pets squared away and anything they could be harmed by put away.

I started doing variations of these  steps when the parents were gearing up to divorce (it was a bad time) and later when I was pretty much living alone while in high school and my dad was courting my stepmother so I was again alone all night. 

H for years could not understand his hyperactivity at night kept me up.  H likes to watch TV to fall asleep, which is fine to start.  I can fall asleep to TV, too.  But then, after 30 minutes to an hour, it wakes me back up.  And I can't get back to sleep.  This was a many-year issue that was finally solved by the TV in the bedroom breaking and us not buying a new one immediately. 

He likes to talk a lot before bed.  I'm falling asleep, and he's talking about whatever he just saw on youtube, heard on the radio while in his shower, and sometimes he'll get quiet if he realizes I'm falling asleep, sometimes he will get mad because it makes him feel abandoned for me to be asleep.

A turning point for us was when I bought a used Fitbit - not to track steps, but to track sleep.  I was finally able to prove to both myself and to him that my sleep sucked.  I'd be in bed for 8 hours, but effectively get 4 hours sleep.  The quantitative data really helped convince him that while he did not cause my PTSD sleep issues, he was not helping them at all.  For years, with his snoring as a big issue, I'd get up, move to the couch, but then get back up at my next waking cycle to move back to bed.  We've since invested in a new mattress that helps isolate the other person's movements (great because he gets kicky and wiggly before bed.) It's taken a long time, but the sleep tracking seems to have helped make my point.  I'm not sure if it would help anyone else?  I am now using the Leaf as my Fitbit finally died, but most of them now track sleep, and even if it's not data your pwBPD will look at, it can also help you know when you've hit upon something that helps versus something that does not.