Inherited the rages?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Did anyone had less control over anger and was easily got into “rage mode” during and after dating his/her BPD?

I used to be a calm person before dating her. Of course I had my moments, everybody does. But her rages were out of anything I saw in real life before. Some of them even included physical abuse towards me. It was so odd, given she was such a peaceful and calm person otherwise, very introvert and the most gentle I’ve ever met.

Thing is, while dating her I eventually turned into the same. I could go from 0 to 100 so fast that I could scare myself. And it stayed after she left, even got worse at some points.

For instance, I used to be a very calm driver. She used to drive very dangerously. I remember once she got into a fight with another driver and they started screaming and cursing each other for a few minutes… I mean, she spent so much energy at that moment on a person she will probably never see again. I was shocked back then. But since she left I have some terrible road rages, finding myself getting very angry behind the wheel, and cursing other drivers (again, more then the normal amount that all of us might do sometimes).

The sad thing is that I used to meditate on a daily basis before meeting her, and even when I was angry I could look at it from the side, examining it's source and purpose. But now I can't, whenever I try to sit still she is there in my mind telling me how wrong I am doing this. (She used to go to all those buddhist centers, she could never be empathic to why it might be more challenging for someone with ADHD like me.)

[Maboo]

Did anyone had less control over anger and was easily got into “rage mode” during and after dating his/her BPD?

I used to be a calm person before dating her. Of course I had my moments, everybody does. But her rages were out of anything I saw in real life before. Some of them even included physical abuse towards me. It was so odd, given she was such a peaceful and calm person otherwise, very introvert and the most gentle I’ve ever met.

Thing is, while dating her I eventually turned into the same. I could go from 0 to 100 so fast that I could scare myself. And it stayed after she left, even got worse at some points.

For instance, I used to be a very calm driver. She used to drive very dangerously. I remember once she got into a fight with another driver and they started screaming and cursing each other for a few minutes… I mean, she spent so much energy at that moment on a person she will probably never see again. I was shocked back then. But since she left I have some terrible road rages, finding myself getting very angry behind the wheel, and cursing other drivers (again, more then the normal amount that all of us might do sometimes).

The sad thing is that I used to meditate on a daily basis before meeting her, and even when I was angry I could look at it from the side, examining it's source and purpose. But now I can't, whenever I try to sit still she is there in my mind telling me how wrong I am doing this. (She used to go to all those buddhist centers, she could never be empathic to why it might be more challenging for someone with ADHD like me.)

[WishIKnew82]

Same here. I was always very calm. I was the person who had to calm other people down. Which I used to do with him all the time, the first few years. He couldn't deal with stress at all. He would literally get very hurt or mad over something trivial. (hurt like a child would be and mad like a temper tantrum). After a few years and a whole lot of psychological abuse I went from calm to full of rage myself.
His words didn't help it at all since he felt I deserved to be verbally abused. I would throw my phone, just like he used to do. I almost smashed my brothers phone when I was pissed off at my ex. I have never destroyed anything in my life. But I would literally pull my hair from anger. Just stating all this and getting into that zone makes me feel so greatfull for having left all that behind. As soon as he went. A month or two was all it took for my anger to subdue. Now, I am just myself again. Whatever stressful situation I just deal with it the way I used to. Calmly.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Maboo:   
 

She could never be empathetic to why it might be more challenging for someone with ADHD like me

How long have you had the diagnosis of ADHD?  Have you ever had a therapist or ADHD coach to help you with some strategy for managing ADHD?

I'm thinking that being around a raging pwBPD was triggering for you.  You can evolve back to the way you were, with some work.  Have you started to meditate again? What else have you done in the past to manage ADHD?

[Aesir]

I think that I had become more defensive. Her rages would have me keyed up and ready for a argument. In doing this I would criticize people out of hand. I would later apologize but I know that it was due to being raged at and constantly in combat.

[Me-Time]

This is what happened to me. I am such a calm, fair, flexible, understanding person (which, by the way, is what attracted my uBPDxw to me to begin with). But after so many confusing, illogical misperceptions and subsequent verbal attacks on me, I started to lash back. NOT the kind of person I am.

I would always try reasoning first, and I guess what is called JADE-ing (Justify Argue Defend Explain), but I learned that never helps the situation. She would even tell me it didn't. She seemed to be aware of what she was doing and would often tell me what she needed me to do to make her stop berating me (isn't that nice?). I did so much research into how to best respond to her, endless hours, and when I tried to put it into practice, she pushed back harder. I even tried stating that I would be leaving the room because I didn't feel we were communicating effectively, and I'd give a time frame in which I would be returning. Her response - "See, you hear things you don't like and you think you get to decide when to end the conversation!" She would continue to push (cursing, berating, yelling across the room) until she got the angry response from me. It would happen that way every time.

When she got the angry response, she had her ammunition. "Look how you treat me!" And, for me, the usually calm, collected person, that was like a dagger. She used it against me to guilt me and keep me in the relationship, trying harder every time. And it's what she continues to use against me though the relationship is over (we are in process of divorce so I have to still have contact with her). Only now I am in the process of detaching and I am so much more aware. It's over and this dysfunctional dance is over.

[infjEpic]

Did anyone had less control over anger and was easily got into “rage mode” during and after dating his/her BPD?

I used to be a calm person before dating her. Of course I had my moments, everybody does. But her rages were out of anything I saw in real life before. Some of them even included physical abuse towards me. It was so odd, given she was such a peaceful and calm person otherwise, very introvert and the most gentle I’ve ever met.

Thing is, while dating her I eventually turned into the same. I could go from 0 to 100 so fast that I could scare myself. And it stayed after she left, even got worse at some points.

For instance, I used to be a very calm driver. She used to drive very dangerously. I remember once she got into a fight with another driver and they started screaming and cursing each other for a few minutes… I mean, she spent so much energy at that moment on a person she will probably never see again. I was shocked back then. But since she left I have some terrible road rages, finding myself getting very angry behind the wheel, and cursing other drivers (again, more then the normal amount that all of us might do sometimes).

The sad thing is that I used to meditate on a daily basis before meeting her, and even when I was angry I could look at it from the side, examining it's source and purpose. But now I can't, whenever I try to sit still she is there in my mind telling me how wrong I am doing this. (She used to go to all those buddhist centers, she could never be empathic to why it might be more challenging for someone with ADHD like me.)

Yes, I experienced this. I certainly think the majority of nons experience it during the realtionship and many experience it afterward.
I think it's C-PTSD

You've been through massive stress and undergone withdrawal from powerful chemicals - adrenaline, oxytocin, serotonin.

This will pass with time.
It's good that you are conscious of it.

[infjEpic]

This is what happened to me. I am such a calm, fair, flexible, understanding person (which, by the way, is what attracted my uBPDxw to me to begin with). But after so many confusing, illogical misperceptions and subsequent verbal attacks on me, I started to lash back. NOT the kind of person I am.

I would always try reasoning first, and I guess what is called JADE-ing (Justify Argue Defend Explain), but I learned that never helps the situation. She would even tell me it didn't. She seemed to be aware of what she was doing and would often tell me what she needed me to do to make her stop berating me (isn't that nice?). I did so much research into how to best respond to her, endless hours, and when I tried to put it into practice, she pushed back harder. I even tried stating that I would be leaving the room because I didn't feel we were communicating effectively, and I'd give a time frame in which I would be returning. Her response - "See, you hear things you don't like and you think you get to decide when to end the conversation!" She would continue to push (cursing, berating, yelling across the room) until she got the angry response from me. It would happen that way every time.

A) Yep. Leave the room, try to establish boundaries - you are abandoning her
B) Stay and argue - you're bullying and controlling
C) Stay and accept the abuse - they will escalate until they achieve A or B

There is no solution.

[AustenJ]

My exBPDgf was never physically abusive towards me in our 6 months together, but her chaotic emotions did spill into me sometimes... .this one time when we were living together, she snooped on my phone and saw a text notification from another woman-- she totally freaked out and packed up every single piece of clothing... .zero to raging monster in 5 seconds... .it was raining and muddy... .I through the rest of her clothes out onto the lawn, in the mud, and slammed the door... .I was enraged... .totally out of character for me... .before my time with a borderline... .

She took a 10-day vacation without me over the holidays to visit an ex-boyfriend who she always insisted was her BFF and no longer a lover (but I'm sure there was plenty of friendly vacation sex). She did share with me that this ex who she had known for 5 years and was in her life for her suicide attempt in college, and would be the man she would some day marry, when she could stop having impulsive reckless sex with other men... .was a recipient of her anger/rage physical abuse... .she drank too much on New Year's Eve and shoved him... .she claims that he has never really seen that side of her... .so it doesn't matter who she is with... .everyone will eventually feel the rage 

[Me-Time]

The hardest part is me, now, forgiving myself for the inherited rages. I tell myself - I am neither Mother Theresa nor am I a rock. Normally, I am kind and patient (I know this myself, and I've been told so many times by other people, "you are the most patient person I've ever met". But this was probably the most challenging situation I've ever experienced. It is normal to react to an extreme in such an extreme situation. This was abuse, and I did not allow this person to abuse me. The opposite end of the spectrum are those who simply take it and allow the abuse to go on. And that's enabling and codependent. I am proud of myself for not allowing that. I stood up for myself.

[infjEpic]

The hardest part is me, now, forgiving myself for the inherited rages.

It takes time to heal.
You will be fine. That will pass.

[Maboo]

This will pass with time.
It's good that you are conscious of it.

Thanks infjEpic, it is getting better with time so far.

How long have you had the diagnosis of ADHD?  Have you ever had a therapist or ADHD coach to help you with some strategy for managing ADHD?

I'm thinking that being around a raging pwBPD was triggering for you.  You can evolve back to the way you were, with some work.  Have you started to meditate again? What else have you done in the past to manage ADHD?

I was diagnosed as a kid. I got all the care and help I needed with that through my life so far, from family and professional. My relationship with the uBPD was the first time I felt zero empathy for it and even manipulated through it. It was painful... .

I do give meditation a try every now and then, as much as the mind allows me, it's coming back to me slowly. I'm a really calm person in my nature. When I tell people who know me that I screamed on someone or had a "rage" the response I always get is "You? I can't imagine you doing that".

The hardest part is me, now, forgiving myself for the inherited rages.

I hear you. It's exactly how I feel. Sometimes I get angry just because I get angry. I feel so terrible after letting myself rage on people that are close to me, like family. I literally felt, even before the break-up, that I started acting like my uBPD ex with my mother. It was the worst feeling ever, because I know exactly how I made her feel, I felt the same on a daily basis. And the guilt I feel after smashing something, I got to these points where I was frozen after a rage repeatedly asking in my head "what is happening to me?". I know it sounds dramatic, that's the thing, it was so dramatic over such minor things. Time does help, however. It's getting better everyday.

I was enraged... .totally out of character for me... .before my time with a borderline... .

I know. I had so many times when I felt not like myself at all during the relationship. It's like she made a demon go inside me. Saddest part is that after I started screaming, she would usually calm down a little (but not dismiss the fight of course).

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Moboo:     

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid. I got all the care and help I needed with that through my life so far, from family and professional. My relationship with the uBPD was the first time I felt zero empathy for it and even manipulated through it. It was painful... .

I can understand how painful that must have been for you, for your ex-partner to not have any empathy for your ADHD.  Some people can be a bad match for us, especially when they push the wrong buttons.  Having a partner who can understand and support you is essential for a healthy long-term relationship.  Being around people who bring out the best in you, makes life more enjoyable for both you and those you surround yourself with.

I do give meditation a try every now and then, as much as the mind allows me, it's coming back to me slowly. I'm a really calm person in my nature. When I tell people who know me that I screamed on someone or had a "rage" the response I always get is "You? I can't imagine you doing that".

Good to hear you are slowly getting back into meditation.  It's so easy to unlearn good habits.  It takes effort to get good habits and then it, also, takes effort to keep good habits in place.  I've gone back and forth with meditation and mindfulness at times.  I recognize that it is good for me.  Sometimes, I just need to plan for it, as getting around to it might never happen.

[Fie]

Hello Maboo 


I am sure your meditation will improve more and more, and will be very beneficial for your anger management.

Do know however that anger is just an emotion. It does not say something about the person you are, only about how you feel.

I know very much how it is to live with difficult people. They can simply get the worst out of us. Keep surrounding you with nice, beautiful people, and you will in the end reach calmer waters again.

One thing is crossing my mind still. I have read once or twice that one of the reasons why some people are drawn towards BPD is that BPD acts out the anger we feel ourselves. Since oftentimes we have a dysfunctional FOO ourselves we are under the surface very angry sometimes but groomed to keep quiet. Also society does not really appreciate it when we act out our anger, so we keep it down. Seeing the BPD act out sets the limit lower for our anger to also burst out - finally.

What do you think ?

[FallenOne]

My anger has actually subsided a bit in the past 6 weeks since it ended... I was more angry when I was in the relationship...

Then again, I have less to be pi$$ed off about because I'm not dealing with a big child anymore...

I have been a little more emotional then I was before all of this though... Things hit a nerve with me more easily lately.

[Maboo]

Hi Moboo:     
Good to hear you are slowly getting back into meditation.  It's so easy to unlearn good habits.  It takes effort to get good habits and then it, also, takes effort to keep good habits in place.  I've gone back and forth with meditation and mindfulness at times.  I recognize that it is good for me.  Sometimes, I just need to plan for it, as getting around to it might never happen.

Thanks a lot Naughty Nibbler.
You right about the planning stuff, important for such things.

What do you think ?

Thank you Fie.

You brought up an interesting point. I do recall some moments when I used to feel very empathic for her anger, a feeling of "I know the struggle" full with compassion. It made me sometimes feel like I can be more "myself" near her. Funny how it works, this is a huge illusion after all, as I literally lost almost every piece of myself during this relationship.

What bothered me is that I never initiated such anger towards her, while at some points it seemed like she enjoyed being angry on me, and she dragged me to do the same in some cases. I hated that, screaming or being so aggressive to someone I love, not an easy task at all, felt terribly unnatural. The anger never gave me a feeling of release, like being angry and going to the gym, or being angry and pour my heart to a close friend, it was a massive energy draining machine that left me without the willing to live sometimes, not because I had nothing to live for, it was more like nothing made sense anymore. At a very few occasions the fight and anger was so intense, till I was scratching myself drawing blood, for some reason it was my last "running away" attempt. I just couldn't release the anger on her at some points, so I injured myself instead. At some cases she blamed me for doing so, yelling at me. I can't even start to measure now how painful this feeling is, the one you care about the most brings you down so hard, then is angry even more because you "cry and draw blood", when she is so important to you and is the one that with a simple hug or cheering words can make the pain finally stop. I look back and can't believe I got so low. This is such an opportunity to build myself for health and investigate the causes of such behaviors.