Raising his fists

[Tattered Heart]

I had a feeling things were going to spiral out of control this weekend. H has been a little manic, very hyped, easily triggered by stuff online. He has been wanting to talk about it obsessively and arguing with others online.

This morning I was getting ready and he was going on about something. He asked a question and since I was focused on what I was doing did not answer quick enough. He began to dysregulate. I was so mad that all my skills went out the window and I dysregulated back. I began to cuss and yell and call him names. I know. I shouldn't have. I see how I added negatively to this situation. He grabbed the curling iron out of my hand, threw some q-tips across the room, and raised his fist to me. I was trapped in a corner, not dressed.

I began to cry and he began to yell at me about how this is what I want from him. That he hates that this behavior works and he expects in the next few days I'll be obedient. He was mad that I thought he would really hit me and that after all these years he never has so why would I think that now. He just wanted to scare me because I was trying to control him.

I left the house saying I was going to church and went around the block waiting on him to leave the house. When he did I came home, packed a bag, and called the DV hotline. I also called some of my support system and let them know what is going on. I am safe now. He should be home in a couple hours.

I'm just so thankful for this site because all the while that this was going on, I just kept seeing the "safety first" icon in my head. Currently I have my keys and purse sitting in my car and a bag in the trunk. I have safe places to go in the event he escalates when he gets home. This site gave me the courage to set a plan in my mind even though DV hasn't really ever been an issue before.

Now I have to decide how I'm going to proceed forward. I'm setting up an spot with my pastor and with my counselor that I haven't seen in a few months.

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Tattered Heart:   

It must have been scary to have your partner raise his fists to you.  I'm so sorry.  It was good that you had previously spent some time with the Safety First tools and had a plan in place.

I'm glad that you are in touch with your counselor and your pastor to help you decide how to proceed.  Let us know how things are going. 

[Tattered Heart]

When he got home we had one of the realest talks we've ever had. He was open to looking at how he contributed to the escalation and admitted some power/control issues he has never had. He has never done that before. A part of me knows this is part of the honeymoon process but time will tell if he is serious.

 He still refuses to get counseling but I made it very clear that I will with through a lot of fights, yelling, and arguments but I would not tolerate physical abuse.

[Naughty Nibbler]

When he got home we had one of the realest talks we've ever had. He was open to looking at how he contributed to the escalation and admitted some power/control issues . . .

 He still refuses to get counseling. . .

Hey Tattered Heart:   
I'm glad you had a real talk with your partner and that things calmed down.

If he still refuses to get counseling, can you see him working on his issues with guidance from you  (perhaps at the suggestion of your counselor)?  Do you see him possibly gathering some tools on his own, via online research?

“When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”  is a common quote.  Any thoughts regarding the teacher?   

[Healthy88]

TH,

I am so sorry for for the day you had. It must have been unnerving. You handled your safety beautifully, under the pressure. Also, glad that things have calmed down now and you were able to communicate clearly and firmly your boundary on DV. Awareness is the first step. Maybe in time, with your patience, he will progress to counseling?

[Tattered Heart]

Hey Tattered Heart:   

If he still refuses to get counseling, can you see him working on his issues with guidance from you  (perhaps at the suggestion of your counselor)?  Do you see him possibly gathering some tools on his own, via online research?

Right now he has picked up learning new communication skills by learning NLP. He started off learning more about it as a form of seeing how others could manipulate him but it has evolved into him wanting to learn how to use words to speak better to others. When he is open to talking about his emotions, I try to guide him in the right direction.

For instance last night before bed he again said he was sorry and that he often feels like a sociopath. I explained to him without coming out and saying it that there are other disorders that are similar but different than ASPD based on the motivation. I talked about NPD and how the motivation is from pride and although I didn't mention BPD by name, I suggested that fear of abandonment/rejection is another motivation for behavioral type disorders. He brushed over it a little and went back to talking about communication so we'll see how it goes.

I know that he is very sorry, but I also know that we have now entered the honeymoon phase. It's hard to believe that it won't happen again becuase I know how these cycles work. I told him I accept his apology but it's going to take awhile for me to move on from the hurt. I hope he thinks about things more today, but I have the feeling he thinks all is well.

[Grey Kitty]

I left the house saying I was going to church and went around the block waiting on him to leave the house. When he did I came home, packed a bag, and called the DV hotline.

   You did exactly the right thing, protecting yourself by getting out.

Especially in a situation when your feelings were more out of control than they usually are.

Pat yourself on the back for that. 

... .and one suggestion I have for you regarding "real talks" about such things. There is a hard line that I recommend you draw:

You can have "real talks" about fears, feelings, anger, confrontations, issues. They may help.

Draw a firm line: Physical violence, or a threat of physical violence is unacceptable. In any circumstances, for any reason. Don't let the "real talks" veer off into why it is justified/needed/deserved/etc.

[Tattered Heart]

Draw a firm line: Physical violence, or a threat of physical violence is unacceptable. In any circumstances, for any reason. Don't let the "real talks" veer off into why it is justified/needed/deserved/etc.

Absolutely. I could see he was trying to take the seriousness out of the situation and although I was cocnerned about re-triggering him I stayed away from the feelings aspect of it and stuck with the simple, "This is not ok. I do not like it and will not let myself stay in a situation like this again."