Mother and sister with BPD

[MissLCleo]

Hello,
I am adult whose mother and older sister suffer from BPD and substance abuse. It has taken me years of therapy, a masters degree in psychology, and years working in psychiatry research to set up sufficient boundaries with them. I have an especially hard time with mother- she is not all bad, but she can be so toxic and say such horrible things (last month she told my sister to kill herself, tells my father she wishes he would die, she calls my 10 year old neice "a little ___). Sometimes I wonder if it would be better just to cut her off, but then I feel guilty because she does have a good heart (sometimes) and I don't want to punish her for having a mental illness but she is seriously a horrible, alcoholic psychopath. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome MisslCleo:  

Sorry about your mom and sister.  I can hear how frustrated you are, even with boundaries in place.

Even though you have a lot of background in the field of psychology, it will likely be helpful for you to have the support of a community of people dealing with the same challenges.  This is a safe place to vent, compare and share (hopefully share some successes)

My sister does the "name calling" thing.  I can see how it is confusing, when someone can have a nice side occasionally.  :)o you think that when your mom wishes others would die, that it might be a projection of her wanting to die?

The degree of contact you decide on is a personal decision.  Some people find that they go back and forth between limited contact (LC) and no contact (NC).  Perhaps there are certain periods during the year, perhaps between holidays/family events, when you can take a NC vacation.

Have you had any success with any particular communication skills - perhaps validation/not invalidating?