My first post

[pinotman]

I met a younger lady online and after 3 months and drinking wine with a psychiatrist friend of mine, have determined she displays every sign of BPD.

I am very analytical and knew something was wrong but have never even heard of this issue. She said to me at one point she thought she might be bipolar but "controlled" it.

I do have care for her but I realize after much research that you cannot modify their behavior only yours and accept it or not.

What is interesting to me is that she has enough awareness of her situation without being officially diagnosed by a professional in person that relationships are unhealthy for her. I pushed the issue but the closer we got to defining it the more she said she did not want a relationship.  Yet when I said that's fine we can date who we want and see each other when we want she started showing even more signs of jealousy and pulling back.

So I broke up with her. Then the next week, the I miss yous started coming along with other things to pull me back. With my new found knowledge of this disease and my strong emotional state, I think I can deal with it.

I yesterday told her that I realize now that her push and pull backs and statements of not wanted a relationship are her realzition that a good healthy relationship is actually a very negative thing for her. Instead of adding to her life it subtracts. That I could be the best guy in the world and it has nothing to do with me.

She didn't disagree. She has awareness and respects me. Now that I have knowledge that her pull backs are out of fear of abandonment and her pulling me toward her in different ways are her ways to keep me close, I am trying deal with. I am going to date other people.

My fear is if she finds out, even though she said she doesn't want a committed relationship she will come unglued.

Can I get a few thoughts on this.  The last time I actually told her this was the first time she almost displayed some verbal abuse toward me and I cut it off immediately. So thus I am not convinced telling her makes much sense. She wants to see who she wants but get engraged if I do. Hmmmm

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[vanx]

pinotman,

Welcome to the boards! I hear what you're saying about your concern with seeing other people/bringing up the topic. It also sounds like you picked up on a really important insight

I do have care for her but I realize after much research that you cannot modify their behavior only yours and accept it or not.

I am interested to hear some other members chime in here, but I was wondering, based solely on your perspective, is it important to you to communicate this with her, about seeing other people?

If you've read any posts here, you've probably seen that push/pull is pretty common for the folks on here, so you are definitely not alone in experiencing this or wondering how to proceed. Check out the Tools and Insights sections for more info about BPD and what to expect if you're interested! P.S. I am a little jealous of your wine nights with a psychiatrist friend--sounds like some good conversation!

[pinotman]

That is a good question. Is it important for me to communicate the fact I will see other people?

I always aspire to do the right thing although im far from perfect. In normal circumstances I think its important to be honest because it allows the other person to make a choice best for them. I always appreciate it, but when I ask her if she would like to see other people she never answers and yet I know she does see other people.

I have asked her 10 times to be honest and I know she is not. So the real question is why even stay in this situation I guess, because it is not healthy.

I am debating it at the moment. I think the reason for me is I am in limbo as to what I want from a relationship at the moment and this situation fits the bill, especially the good part.

The intuition of these BPD people is amazing in some ways, she knows I am strong, I make strong boundaries and yet I am caring giving person. In some ways I feel I torture her.

She hasn't displayed a lot verbal abuse, because the one time she started I told her I do not accept verbal abuse from anyone and will not do that to her either. It mostly works.

All the other ups and downs I have zero control over it seems. I am on the roller coaster for the ride. The wine nights with the Dr are very interesting Vanx.

I was so glad he and I spoke, because I was so confused by her behavior.

[infjEpic]

She didn't disagree. She has awareness and respects me. Now that I have knowledge that her pull backs are out of fear of abandonment and her pulling me toward her in different ways are her ways to keep me close, I am trying deal with. I am going to date other people.

My fear is if she finds out, even though she said she doesn't want a committed relationship she will come unglued.

Can I get a few thoughts on this.  The last time I actually told her this was the first time she almost displayed some verbal abuse toward me and I cut it off immediately. So thus I am not convinced telling her makes much sense. She wants to see who she wants but get engraged if I do. Hmmmm

First thought, it already sounds unhealthy to me. Swap yourself for a friend, and reread it... .how does it sound to you?
(Well, you already answered that in your subsequent post)

Second, the part in bold. I'm not entirely sure what you're suggesting, but it sounds like you're going to date other people in secret and continue to see her?

I think that's a terribly bad idea!
Coming unglued for a BPD doesn't just entail becoming a hysterical mess, it potentially entails false accusations of assault and rape and things straight out of a Hollywood movie which could destroy your life.

You're basically dancing in a minefield - but you don't realise it yet.
It's slightly spine chilling for me reading this, to be honest. Perhaps look back through my post history and read some of my posts, to get an impression of what 'can' or 'frequently does' happen.

I have asked her 10 times to be honest and I know she is not. So the real question is why even stay in this situation I guess, because it is not healthy.

I really think you nailed it here.

The most important thing I would like you to understand - is that there is no solution to the push/pull - for the most part.

If you pull back and date others like you suggest - you are abandoning her.
If you try to get her to act emotionally 'fair' - you are controlling her. (maybe that part didn't start yet. It will)

[pinotman]

infjEpic

So the other option is that I be honest about seeing other people.
I don't see that going over well either because I tried to do the right thing.

That would be what I would expect someone to do to me or me to them. In this case I reaching out to this community and getting opinions like you have given to me. I really appreciate it.

I may have a new found basic understanding of this sad BPD issue and intellectually understand but the emotional part I don't. I know it affected me and I am healthy as can be. I can't even imagine what it does to others.

Some might accuse me of a cat playing with a mouse and enjoying it, but that is not true.

[infjEpic]

infjEpic

So the other option is that I be honest about seeing other people.

No Sorry, I probably wasn't clear. I wouldn't do that under any circumstances. That will provoke a retaliation and make self preservation much more difficult.

The other option is to cut contact with this individual (We call it 'No Contact'

Your options as I see them are as follows:
A) Stay in an unhealthy relationship. Risk severe emotional trauma, psychological damage, STDs, false allegations... the works
B) Cut contact with this individual, find a healthy partner for a healthy relationship or stay single.

I may have a new found basic understanding of this sad BPD issue and intellectually understand but the emotional part I don't. I know it affected me and I am healthy as can be. I can't even imagine what it does to others.

Have you been idolised?
Has she begun to devalue you yet?

These relationships following disturbingly similar patterns - have done for generations and will continue to.

[pinotman]

Not massive idolization.
Not really devaluation, but certainly a change in her overall demeanor toward me.
At the same time. I do not take her ups and downs without pointing them out.

This morning I asked her if she would like to know more about what I had discovered in relation to her self diagnosis of being bi polar. She said no. She doesn't want to evaluate or discover and understand.

She is controlling her ups and downs the best she can.

But I am quite a bit older. I think I provide stability that a younger more weak or volitile partner may not. She also respects I was Marine, and I provide a strong hand or boundaries and will walk away.

However I am under not false hope. Once my buddy Dr friend opened my eyes to this issue I was shocked that I had never even heard of this.

If every BPD turns violent, then I am out. I read your posts. Certainly not a good situation.

I also realize nothing I can do and I don't want a serious long term relationship either. However the first sign of her devaluing me or attacking me, she know if we can't resolve it I am gone.

She did take a weird negative tone to me and a conflict skill I used that works is. The way you talked to is if I did something wrong. She caught herself and said no I am just frustrated with other things.

Maybe I should just walk. I don't know. I only see her once a week.

Epic I value your opinion and your experience, dont' think for a second I don't.

[infjEpic]

Epic I value your opinion and your experience, dont' think for a second I don't.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

Unfortunately, I've just realised that I'm posting in the Improving a Relationship With a Borderline Partner forum, which means I've not only violated the rules, but gone off topic too. Ignorance on my part, apologies.

If you would like to continue this conversation (and I would very much like to, if you would like to), you could create this as a new topic in the Detaching forum.

Either way, I wish you the best pinotman

[once removed]

hi pinotman and

im glad you had the opportunity to get some insight from a trusted friend, and to seek support here. knowledge is power

it sounds like your primary question at the moment is whether you should disclose that you are going to see other people?

i dont think theres a yes or no here. youre at the three month stage. ordinarily, would you consider it her business to know?

[pinotman]

In a healthy relationship which most of mine have been, I think 2-3 months  you start discussing exclusivity if they relationship feels right.

In this case she says she doesn't want a committed relationship, and yet when I say great and I will see who I want, things go down hill. She has a great awareness she is unhealthy and I see it cause depression.

I have come to the conclusion I am not going to tell her about me dating other people. If she ever says I want help, I will do everything I can to fix my issues I would be exclusive for her mental health, but I don't ever see that happening.

Some might ask why even mess with this relationship and my answer is simple. I do not want a serious relationship right now and seeing her twice a week keeping the highs and low out of this type of relationship works I think believe it or not for both of us.

I am strong, she doesn't mess with me, she knows better and yet she gets comfort from me when she needs it most.  The games are all around I just stay above it. As long as she doesn't get violent or do things that are destructive, I don't see a problem.

She did thank me for sticking by her as she said almost every man she has met has left. I just said I know and when you are ready to understand why you can find the answers and I try to evaluate yourself.

[pinotman]

Ok I am not sure how anyone can really do this type of relationship long term. Lots has happened since my first post, but unless you are a sociopath and have no feelings I don't see it makes much sense to date BPD people. In my case I am very emotionally healthy, just not wanting a serious relationship. This fit her as she is a high functioning BPD who controls things well externally, but she does it by having sugar daddies I found out. She would get her emotional fix through contact with one person in particcular that I kind of know who is a local married business guy. Essentially prostitution.

The bizarre behavior, like male friends sleeping in her bed, (supposedly non sexual), the admission she lies about everything to most men, and for sure me.

She controls her wild swings by wanting to know nothing about my activities so essentially there is no relationship because she controls her feelings by putting her head in the sand.

She is very aware of her problems, but can't control anything. What a bizarre disease. Everyone always says run from these types. If it can tear me down mentally and emotionally a bit, I would say do not involve yourself. There is no good resolution or ending, although with her there has not been violence other than telling me to get out of her car.

She has caused me a bit of damage even though I see other people because as mentioned impathically they just really do know how to reach you in the beginning and bring you close. Dangerous combination.

[infjEpic]

Sorry to hear this Pinotman.

I had hope that your R/S was going to work out somehow.

It sounds as tho you want to create a thread in the detatching forum ?