Short morning vent

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Good morning,

I have been quite ok for a couple of weeks, but since seeing my therapist on Monday I feel low and numb. He in a way hinted I seem lonely, more than asking if I am. I now feel worried and a little upset - am I lonely? Well, I really haven't got a huge network of friends in this city although I live in a capital, with loads of probable new social contexts. Maybe I really am alone. I'm starting to compare myself to people out there, people I don't even know! I'll have to address this at next T session. It's really biting me.

Waking up this morning, not giving myself a fair chance, first thought that runs through my head: during the r/s I was at least fighting and struggling for something, something I'm not doing anymore. I know this isn't really true!

Why am I being this hard on myself? Am I going wrong? After all January was a good month, with new creative/constructive goals to achieve. Maybe I'm just tired, this being the always dreaded time when winter seems endless. On the other hand, spring feels a bit frightening too

[Keef]

Good morning,

I have been quite ok for a couple of weeks, but since seeing my therapist on Monday I feel low and numb. He in a way hinted I seem lonely, more than asking if I am. I now feel worried and a little upset - am I lonely? Well, I really haven't got a huge network of friends in this city although I live in a capital, with loads of probable new social contexts. Maybe I really am alone. I'm starting to compare myself to people out there, people I don't even know! I'll have to address this at next T session. It's really biting me.

Waking up this morning, not giving myself a fair chance, first thought that runs through my head: during the r/s I was at least fighting and struggling for something, something I'm not doing anymore. I know this isn't really true!

Why am I being this hard on myself? Am I going wrong? After all January was a good month, with new creative/constructive goals to achieve. Maybe I'm just tired, this being the always dreaded time when winter seems endless. On the other hand, spring feels a bit frightening too

[ynwa]

Hey Keef,

Does it maybe sound like some honest self assessment?  Being lonely and being alone are two separate things right?  Therapists aren't always going to give you the lipops either. I sure at times they are going to drop something on you to work out for yourself, like homework.

In either case, you asked the question, yeah you are being too hard on yourself.  Go reach out to those friends and have some fun.  But there isn't anything wrong with self reflection and looking for improvement.  And that isn't going to be a constant source of happy thoughts. 

You are sorta right about the r/s stuff.  You probably did have to focus in the r/s rather than yourself, which is why now you aren't as comfortable focusing on just you? 

As for the winter blues, I've been considering buying a sunlight therapy lamp. Two of my friends swear by them. 

But I'd suggest putting on some old Soul records or maybe some rocksteady and just shake it off a bit.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Keef,

I can really understand your feeling low and numb. I had those days, too. Therapy can bring up stuff that you weren't aware of, and it affects people in different ways. I have a friend who has to micro-dose her therapy sessions because she was getting stressed and upset after her sessions. Other people feel energized and upbeat after letting out their feelings.

What would it be like to just ride this wave out, without judging it as "not good?" Allow yourself to feel exactly as you do. These feelings are likely temporary, part of the grieving process, and will soon move again. If you can, feel them as physical sensations and give them some space to just be, without attaching meaning to them. They don't define who you are.  

I know what you mean about having something to fight for. I think many of us who have caretaking/codependent tendencies are very good at making our partner's wellbeing a huge part of our own—and doing the work to make it happen, too. I have felt a bit directionless without the constant goal of fixing or improving a relationship. But with time and inner work, that can change.

The feeling like things are looking up, only to crash a little (or a lot) again is a normal part of the recovery process. You are right on time, and we're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Keef]

You're both right. I'll try to let the emotions pass through me instead of going into anxiety mode. I obviously need to be reminded/try to remind myself of this. I think I may have been sleeping badly for a couple of days. Apart from that I'm telling my T of the anxiety that revealed itself after last session.

I do know I have fears of being lonely, one of the things my ex continually made use of in her abuse ("You're gonna die ALONE!" - stuff like that... )

ynwa, after work I'm going to turn up the volume and listen to Bad Girl, by Lee Moses. Right on!  

Thank you both for jumping in.  

[Roselee]

Keef,

It is indeed truly a strange feeling to have no one else to worry about or "fix" except ourselves. I too have been feeling the same. And I have fears of spending my life alone with my own thoughts and possible regrets, which is what life should NOT be about. But I think I've spent so long pushing my own wants and needs and self aside, that right now, I just don't know how to "be" with just me.  It scares me a bit... .and I do tend to cry more than I think I should.  But like everyone who says it here... .that's part of the healing process.

Strange how in my mind when I think of "healing" I think it's supposed to be a good feeling... .I've learned quite a lot here!

I've learned that these thoughts of being alone, are the times when we are to reflect and grow, and better ourselves. Because we deserve to be better, and we know we are better. It's just that awful task of clearing that muck that likes to come and visit our fragile brains and more fragile hearts every so often now that we need to handle. And it's the times when we just don't feel like handling it, that we let ourselves get overcome with the sadness, fear, guilt and even what-ifs. 
We can get through this... .we have to, we need to, we deserve to!

Hope your day gets better!
RL

[Keef]

Thank you Roselee for your kind words.

it's the times when we just don't feel like handling it, that we let ourselves get overcome with the sadness, fear, guilt and even what-ifs.

I guess you're right. But right now I'm not sure how to handle it, except for staying busy with work and trying to see friends. Looking forward. But what if I didn't have these things to focus on? I feel weak in myself.

I'm scared I'm missing opportunities to look at myself properly. I know what to address, I'm just afraid I don't really know how to change things. Such as this fear to end up alone, which she reinforced. Or my fixer-traits. Or my reluctance to engage in conflict when needed. Standing up for myself etc. Things I find easy outside of intimate relations. In her eyes I was WEAK and a COWARD.

And still, only today when passing a café she liked, feelings of compassion surged through my broken heart. Why oh why is it so hard for me to show anger when it is needed?

I think I may have caught some fleas. I fear the relationship has reinforced issues of my own.

Rant, rant, rant 

[Roselee]

I do think that the fears (of being alone) we both seem to share, are valid... .but the "optimistic" part of me (which is still there... .somewhere) tries to ring in, and makes me feel that this too will pass.  It's just getting to the point in time that it has passed.

Last night, I looked at my bedside table, and saw all the literature and books I've been reading, both on self-help, therapy, and BPD and how to understand it, along with my own ever growing journal.  And the thought came to me... .what if any literature has he read? What if any lesson has he learned? What does his bedside table look like? How many hours has he been obsessed with thoughts of how this really didn't have to be this way.  Maybe if he did as much research and reading as I have done... .things may be different?  But again there go the "what ifs"

I feel that he is just moving on and probably partying away... .looking for his next woman that he will charm and say all the goals he has, and the nice guys finish last deal. Meanwhile, here I sit, trying to reboot my brain, and get my "moxey" back that he said I never had because I, as you, chose to not engage in his rages and conflicts towards me. I was accused of being too sensitive, and weak. Which I know, once upon a time, I was anything but!

So, I do tend to get angry... .but more with myself. Because I am broken now due to his actions... .I now need months of time to heal and rebuild myself again.  And yet... .there are days that I miss the good in him.  Now, along with everything else I'm trying to figure out... .I'm thinking, maybe I never really did know him.  What part of him was his true self?  Was he actually a mean person, trying to pretend to be nice and charming... .but when the struggle to stay nice became too much is when his true thoughts and rages came? Or was he a nice person, knowing he had these raging thoughts, but also knowing he couldn't 100% control them.  What exactly was his core? Good or Bad?  And again... .what does his bedside table look like... .surely not like mine.

I just have to keep reminding myself that now my reading and journaling and researching is now for ME, it's my way to move on... .no longer to help him.  To get me through... .and out of this sad muck, that I don't deserve to be in.

When you say you are scared of missing opportunities to address yourself or change things.  I think you have to deal with that in the "low hanging fruit picker" way.  Deal with the easy stuff you can reach and process first... .then tackle the harder to reach stuff when ready.  In my mind, things may not seem so overwhelming that way, you may be more efficient and your fears hopefully diminish.

Hope you have a better day today!

RL