Don't want to deal with mom anymore

[chanteuse29]

Hey everyone, I am brand new here just looking for support because I don't know who I can even talk to about this stuff. I have had problems with my mom my whole life but it has gotten significantly worse as I've grown up and pulled away to have more independence in my life. 9 years ago it got so bad that I had to see a counsellor and she suggested that my mom could have BPD. I have tried to maintain a good relationship with her despite this, but I anytime our relationship isn't as close as she wants it, she freaks out and created drama, and makes up lies and tells everyone else in the family of how horrible I am. Since I had my son 9 months ago (her first grandchild) she has been even worse - constantly creating drama and telling everyone I'm basically a monster and I'm keeping her grandchild away from her. She lives out of town and wants to see him all the time and when I had him she said she was thinking of visiting one weekend per month and I told her that sounds good and she freaked out and couldn't believe I only wanted her to visit once a month. She also claimed I gave her an "unreal look" but I don't recall ever doing so and I just had gotten through 14 hours of labour and hadn't slept in 2 days but once again she makes it all about her. Also, my husband and I recently bought a bigger house and now she is mad that i  not making one of our bedrooms into a guest room. The room is being used as a playroom and we have a brand new air mattress and offered for my parents to stay with us for Christmas and sleep on the air mattress but they refused. Apparently only an actual bed is acceptable for them even though we don't have $500 to spend on a bed right now; we are living paycheck to paycheck while I am on maternity leave and besides, i hope to have another baby in a year so I don't see the point in spending money on a bed that we will have to get rid of in a year anyways. Anyways I know I have completely rambled I am just so stressed about her and the constant drama she creates in my life. She texted my husband today saying my behavior is disgusting and sinful... .when really I didn't do anything wrong. I just don't know how to deal with her anymore and a part of me thinks it would be easier just to simply not deal with her at all.

[allthesame]

I'm pretty new here also, but welcome!  Some people have suggested the lessons/links to the right of the page for me... .I'm still reading through them but they are really helpful.

It does sound like she has BPD... .I also struggle with a mom who has BPD and likes to create extra drama around her.  And similar to your story, she often is never happy with anything I do... .even if I do something to avoid upsetting her, it still isn't good enough.

I think your frustration is justified... .for me I'm just trying to focus on myself and my life and remind myself that my life is separate from hers.  I would recommend you do the same... .if you have a good home life and have a baby and are wanting another... .just stay focused on that.  She would probably have some other compliant if you catered to her and got a bed for them, it still wouldn't be good enough and she would still probably complain.  So focus on you and what makes you happy!

And just know you aren't alone!

[h27]

HI,

I completely understand what you mean. My mother blames me for every problem in her life and sells herself as the victim always. I have thought about not dealing with my mother at all several times and honestly still do.

I think the important thing to remember is that she is the one creating the drama and that you are probably never the problem, but she is.

I find that, for me, it helps a lot knowing that I am not alone and that my mother is the one who behaves in an unacceptable way.

Unless she gets proper treatment, unfortunately, your mother will never change. I am trying to accept this in my case and attempting to change the way in which I deal with her in my life. I have found that distance works best.

[Fie]

Hello Chanteuse,


That is really a difficult situation to be in. You deserve a hug for that. 
As children of BPD, we were groomed to accept unacceptable behavior. You are an adult now though, and the great thing is that you are free now. You don't have to accept any unwanted behavior.

You can set boundaries with your mum, like sticking to the air mattress. You can also tell her that you will only talk to her if she doesn't scream to you, etc. Maybe you can think about how it is exactly that you want to be treated, and more importantly, how you don't want to be treated.

Here are some links that you might find useful to communicate with your mum :

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.0

Applying some of the techniques might already help you a great deal. If you still think you should see less of your mum, than you should know that also that is a decision you are entirely entitled to take. What counts most is that you are happy. Part of being a free adult is that you can also decide to limit contact with your BPD parent. Even if we had to be their emotional caretaker as a child, this is not a role we had / have to play. The only person you should be an emotional caretaker of, is you.

What do you think ?

[Rey]

Hello Chanteuse,

I completely understand what you are feeling. And I am going through a similar situation. Sometimes I think it's better to just not have any contact anymore but then it's US who are the bad daughters because our mothers don't understand what they are doing wrong. They think they are always right. The only reason why I keep in touch with my mother is because of my elder father who I love very much. But it's also easier for me since I live far away from my parents.
I hope you will find a good way to keep you and your family happy.