Do you wish them ill?

[Aesir]

At present my feelings are a mixture of anger, outrage , disappointment, loneliness and depression. I'm angry at her for her treatment of me and her refusal to get help. I'm angry at myself for putting up with it for so long and I'm dealing with what I was afraid of. Being ALONE.

On the other hand I don't wish her ill. I do know that she has a illness but I hold her responsible for her actions regardless.  I just want her to get some help and perhaps understand what she put me through someday. Do I want her to be happy? That's a tall order. I think I  do but I'm too angry to care right now. She certainly didn't care if I was happy.

[ACObound]

I certainly understand the mixed feelings.  May not seem relevant but how long were you in the relationship and would you categorize you pwBPD more towards the low functioning or high functioning end of the spectrum?

[Meili]

No, I do not wish any ill-will for my ex. In fact, I'm thankful to her. She gave me the most precious gift in the world... .she gave me myself back. If it hadn't been for my relationship with her, I never would have started to take an in-depth look at myself. I never would have worked on my own recovery from my FOO issues... .the very issues that caused me to get and stay in unhealthy relationships.

It's all a matter of prospective I guess.

[jonmnemonic]

Having any feelings of ill will (bitterness) only serves to give the other person power over you and prevent you from healing and moving on.  Forgiveness is a choice and although it might take a while for your feelings to catch up you should be working towards it.

In my own journey there are lots of times when I'm angry with my exBPD but don't wish anything bad on her.  I just simply want for her to recognize her issues and deal with them for her own sake.

[Meili]

I always liked the axiom: "Forgiveness is a gift that we give ourselves."

Forgiveness is not about the other person. It's about freeing ourselves of the toxicity that is anger. Holding onto anger is like ingesting poison hoping that it will hurt the other person.

[steelwork]

I want to wish him well. Sometimes I do wish him well. At the same time, a lot of my own issues have to do with suppressing my anger towards other people, and I think there might be some self-abnegating instinct that keeps me from fully experiencing my deep-seated feelings of ill will.

[mjssmom]

Yes the angry part of me hopes karma kicks in on him and the woman he replaced me with.  They cheated and hurt me and I'd like justice for that.  He literally has made it impossible for me to trust another man for a very long time.  I fear my own judgement of people.  I just choose emotionally unhealthy men for some reason I'm trying to figure out.

On the other hand, after learning so much lately about BPD, I'm almost understanding and empathetic.  While it doesn't make sense to a non, what he did was logical to him.  He ran from real love and intimacy because of his fear that maybe I would abandon him is what I'm guessing based on all I'm learning.

So my compromise is that while I hope he and his replacement don't work out coming from the angry part of me, I also pray for him and myself daily asking God to help him and give me the guidance and courage I need to help him should he seek me out again. 

[Tosquinha]

At first I did.  But the further away I get from all of it, the more I wish her well.  I'm NC and it's helped.  Just want to learn from this.  I'm not sure that I'll ever want another relationship but I will learn from this.

[Jester20]

I don't wish my husband badly.
I wanted him to get better from his physical condition and now his mental condition. He was do scared he would never be pain free, or be able to work again, or to have any quailty of life. He couldn't even walk for more than 10 minutes.
It must suck to feel that way so I am happy that he now knows that those things were not true and regardless of whether we separate he can have a good life. Move on. I know I can do the same too. Move on

[Reforming]

Hi all,

When you're coming out of traumatic and chaotic relationship where someone has treated you poorly it's very understandable to feel angry and negative towards your ex - especially if you have been betrayed or discarded.

Anger is a survival mechanism and a necessary part of healing. It helps us externalise our hurt and pain and push ourselves forward and detach. But, at a certain point - and this is different for everyone - holding on to the anger hurts become destructive.

When you have had some time to detach from the experience and heal, your feelings towards your ex may change. What really most important is how you feel about yourself and what you chose to do.

I don't wish my ex ill now but there was a time when I felt very angry towards her for pain and damage she inflicted. She has her own struggles and unless she's willing to confront her problems and work on them she will keep repeating the same behaviour and real happiness will continue to elude her. To some extent this is true of us all.

Good thread

Reforming

[Duped 1]

While my goal is indifference towards her I do wish her Ill will at this time. Sometimes I feel a little sad for her but the betrayal, lying, phonyness, and complete disregard for my well being are still pretty fresh.

[infjEpic]

No, I did for a while - a long while.
Struggled with anger until up a few weeks ago.
I think I seem to have had an extreme experience compared to most accounts I have read tho.

I think posting on this forum helped me get across that last hurdle.
I kept taking one step forward, one step back with anger.
How I would describe myself now is Acceptance, Gratitude for the good times & some level of compassion for her - for what she is and for what made her what she is - while not excusing what she did just because she has a disorder.
And better understanding of my own flaws also.

My counsellor hates to use labels. I'm starting to get it.
Label someone a BPD and they're a thing you can hate.
Address them by their name, and they're human, and that's tougher to deal with.

I think I'm burned out from evaluating it, the disorder etc.
It can be a habit to keep dwelling and questioning. I've had my fill for the moment I think.

Helping others is positive, but it's also draining

I have a new realtionship, nearly as long as the BPD relationship lasted now.
I need to put more energy into & I'm starting some new projects next week and looking forward to starting another chapter.
With a much clearer and healthier mind.

I still think of her every day - but less frequent and without the associated pain usually.

One thing I find a little sad - is that - all of those moments will be forgotten.
It was just me and her - she's mad & they're already fading for me.

Once I'm gone, all that never existed. I think, at some stage, I will do my best to commit it to text.
If not sure if I want to do that right now.
I'm at a pretty good place I believe.

[GlennT]

Yes I do because while she believes she is doing nothing bad, I believe it is a crime the way she is still hunting for and hurting people who she enables to fall for her, and will not stop I believe, until she is unable to continue to do this.

[Ananass]

Sometimes I feel like I wish her ill, usually out of frustration when she doesn't acknowledge my good gestures or fails to give me the respect I deserve. This feeling is however temporary as I know if I let the anger linger, I am harming myself. Instead I stick to doing the right thing, expecting nothing in return. NC is not an option for me as we have a child together. Being kind to her is all I can offer her, but seems to be killing her at the same time.

[love4meNOTu]

Well there is a reason why I am still on the detaching board... four years later. I still have moments where I hate exhwBPD. The anger still leaks out of me and then I end up berating myself for still feeling anything but indifference.

I'm still working through it, just lucky my partner understands. Less and less as time goes on and I begin to forgive myself for my actions... i.e. ignoring red flags and rushing into a bad union.

[Claycrusher]

I don't have to wish my BPD ex-wife of 17 years "ill".

Whether I want her to be miserable or not has no bearing on the miserable life she is leading at present; a life that appears to be spiraling rapidly out of control in to a pit of even more misery and despair.  Since fully moving out on her own on December 1 of 2016, she has learned a hard, fast lesson that her delusions of post-divorce grandeur wouldn't allow her to foresee.  She no longer has me as her "tool" and thus I am no longer serving to shield her from the repercussions of her pathological lying, manipulative behaviors, or almost total lack of impulse control.  She's learning that "adulting" on your own when you have the emotional maturity of a three year-old is really, really, really hard.  

I don't wish her ill, but she's going to experience a crap-ton of misery whether I want her to, or not.  As we are living separate lives now, her health and welfare is no longer my responsibility.  If I wanted it to remain so, I would have forgiven her adulterous actions and continued to serve as her "tool" in marriage.  But that's not the choice I made.  She gave me an "out" and I took it.  

So, no, I don't wish her ill.  I never did, really, at least if knowing she wouldn't be able to cope with adulting on her own doesn't count as a form of ill-will wishing.  I'd rather she didn't have such a miserable life at the present.  I wouldn't want anybody to be as miserable as she is.  But I've done about all I can do for her at this point.

She wanted a life apart from me.  Now she's got it.  Not my problem if her present reality doesn't match up with her pre-divorce delusions of grandeur.  It's her life now, not ours, so what she does with it or makes of it has nothing to do with me.  No matter how much I might wish for her happiness, the sad reality is that she only THINKS she's miserable now with two months of living totally on her own and having sole responsibility for the repercussions of her choices and actions, and it is already NOT working out that well.  Just as she's going to be miserable whether I want her to be or not, wishing that misery away won't make it disappear.   It'll be there, because people with the emotional maturity of a three year-old can't successfully or happily "adult" on their own indefinitely.

[Aesir]

I certainly understand the mixed feelings.  May not seem relevant but how long were you in the relationship and would you categorize you pwBPD more towards the low functioning or high functioning end of the spectrum?

I was in the relationship for more than a decade on and off. I think she is somewhere in the middle functioning wise. I knew that her behavior was different at first but  I thought it was because she was sheltered. I was wrong.

[ACObound]

I was in the relationship for more than a decade on and off. I think she is somewhere in the middle functioning wise. I knew that her behavior was different at first but  I thought it was because she was sheltered. I was wrong.

. 

I was 36+ years despite alot of years of really completing subordinating myself to the dysfunction.  as it nears end of the relationship, I cannot wish her any ill will.  I sincerely hope she finds some sort of peace in her troubled world.  I guess maybe I started detaching long ago despite being together as I was pushed farther and farther away.    I do hope she's happy, I will always love her but I am done and movin on. 

[Soulcrushed4]

Currently in the moment I don't know that I wish him I'll, but I am angry and extremely hurt.
I go back and forth and around a bunch of emotions while grieving and healing and I am trying to honour myself by allowing them to run their course and not judge myself to harshly for having them - whatever they may be.

For our child's sake and his and the protection of anyone else whose path he crosses  I hope he gets help and takes treatment seriously. I also feel that all of the behaviours are not explained away or justified or excused by the PD disorder and their should be consequences for what he does, especially since he has admitted to using his diagnosis to act out knowingly causing damage and pain to others.

[SES]

I don't wish my ex ill.  I wish she would be happy and stable for our children's sake. 

However, she poses a great threat to me. As such, I have to behave accordingly.  However, there are times I can feel compassionate towards her... .afterall, I wouldn't want her BPD life.

[Circle]

I don't necessarily wish for the X to suffer. Yet, I would like to see justice be served. Emotional abuse is no less real than physical abuse. Physical abusers are dealt with by the law. So, it's my hope that emotional/mental abusers will be dealt with in some manner, even if it is simply metaphysical. Such as creating a world of falseness and illusion around one's self, and being stuck within it.

[Kelli Cornett]

Holding on to anger is pointless. It gives someone power over you. It's also a commitment.

No one is worth my piece of mind.


I hope my ex finds whatever they are looking. These kind of things don't matter on your death bed.


I feel indifferent. Cool if they are happy, if not cool too.

[In a bad way]

I don't wish her ill but at the same time I hope she has a crap life (total contradiction I know)
I hope nobody sticks around for her it might help her realise.
I want to hate her but I can't, at the end of the day she is ill, possibly mad?
So technically it's not her fault, she doesn't know. She never remembered after she had been asleep.
It was like another personality took over her.
She has hurt me possibly/probably beyond repair.
She is in my thoughts every waking minute, even in my sleep. I try to only think about the bad times as it is slightly less depressing as the good.
She has left me a recluse almost, even trying to watch TV is a losing battle because my brain is trying to do two things at once, as is when I do see people once or twice a week I am trying to hold a conversation with them while the other half of my head is deep in thought.
Plus I hope her kids dad lives long and prospers because he has controlled her for 20 years and she can't break free and he had a lot to do with it.
What she had to do was simple to me and to her but she couldn't do it.
But that's another story.
So the longer he lives the more she suffers but I mean that in a way that hopefully she will realise.

[bus boy]

Everything you are feeling is very normal. A r/s with BPD/NPD person is traumatic to us non's. I go through those feelings. I don't wish ill will on my Xw. Not saying that I haven't but as I grow and emotionally detach I wish nothing for Xw. She is no longer a part of my life. I have nothing for Xw, if she thrives, if she suffers emotional turmoil, nothing of hers, of how she feels or gets along in life is no longer any of my concern. My only concern is s10. Xw is nothing to me. I don't wish her ill, I don't wish her well.

[SWLSR]

I have read several post here and there is theme and I fit into it.  At first I did, I was so angry at her that I thought is there was any justice on this Earth she should suffer greatly.  It was not easy to stop feeling that way, but in the end I was damaging myself with those feelings and I gradually began to let them go.  Today I try to avoid her and any conversation of her at all cost.  Yes she does still try to suck me back into her game.  I am not sure why she does this, if she wants me back or just wants some attention I am not really sure, but I keep my distance.  In away I have won now, I am moving forward with a life that not only does not include her but more and more decision are made as if she never existed.  Now I have come to understand that my life will never be the same as it was before she harmed me.  She took a certain innocence out of my life that I cant get back, but there are opportunities ahead and I look forward to them.