exBPD reached out and wants to be friends...

[throwaway42]

Hey all,
     I broke up with X earlier this month and this evening she reached out and we talked about things. I strongly urged her to receive therapy for her BPD and suggested DBT as a starting point.

     That being said, however... .I asked her about why she broke up with me. She responded that she doesn't even know why herself and that she's "mentally ****ed". How can you break up with somebody and not know why you broke up with them? The only explanation that she gave me was that "... .she had a seedling of doubt about a day or two prior" and then one emotion led to another and she said she felt that I deserved somebody better than one who was thinking about ending the relationship. She said by the time she broke up with me the "emotional damage had been done". She said that she never said anything prior to the day that she broke up with me because "there was nothing to say at that point. When the emotions hit me it was like a brick in the face and I couldn't control them."

     What I think caused her emotional down-spiral is this comment "Sometimes you treat me more like a friend than a boyfriend" which, at times, was true... .but then other times she would be very affectionate--very pushy and pully. Now she wants me to be her friend and at this point in time, I don't think I am ready for it... .but am I being immature in how I am handling this? I told her that my reasoning for it was that she was lacking communication skills in the relationship and keeping things bottled up inside, so I didn't see a friendship at this point in time as feasible.

     A part of me is still very much in love with her, but the other part of me fully acknowledges that a relationship between us just is not possible at this point in time because of her issues. I get the feeling that she is going to try and recycle me at some point in time because on the surface, our relationship was fine... .I never had any doubts about it and I didn't suspect that she did either until about a day or so before the breakup.

     She is a good person deep down and would make a great friend I think, but at the same time... .I am concerned that she is going to try to recycle me even if she doesn't consciously acknowledge it.

     Advice? Is it common for BPD to just breakup without having a really good reason for it, also?

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[stayingsteady]

I can definitely understand what you are talking about.  It can feel extremely confusing when a break up like this occurs.  Unfortunately, even though it may seem completely illogical to you and me, it makes plenty of sense for an individual with a personality disorder such as BPD.  For an individual suffering from BPD, an emotion can become unbearable.  When this happens an action, like this break up, will occur due to the intensity of the emotion rather than reason.

Relationships, including friendships, with individuals with BPD can definitely be rewarding in there own right.  They can also be risky for those reasons you listed (still being in love, fearing a recycle, etc).  If you choose to keep a friendship with her I would encourage you to continue to research the disorder, how to set appropriate boundaries, and how to communicate with empathy to help a true friendship develop.

Wishing you the best,

- StayingSteady