Another unsolicited angry email from my BPD dad

[E2017]

Hi there.

I've long thought that my dad has a personality disorder and recently learned about BPD - it fits him to a T. I'm now an adult who has long since left the house and started a family of her own. I try to have a civil though distant relationship with my dad. Part of making this possible is that I set up an email filter so that his emails won't go into my inbox. I check the folder once in awhile. Things have been going really well in recent months so I've been checking it a little more than usual.

Today I got a nasty one and I'm once again experiencing the wave of anxiety and sadness that usually comes with reading one of these. He was obviously riled up over some news and I shouldn't have taken the bait. It makes me so sad that my dad picks fights like this with me. For a tiny bit of context, I'm a straight-laced and kind person with a demanding career in a medical field. You'll see in his email that he compares me to people who break windows in riots.

This time I'm going to see if writing about it on a forum will help me feel better faster. It helps to remember that this is the disorder talking.

Here's the email thread:



[Dad’s email]

www.foxnews.com/us/2017/02/01/rioters-break-windows-set-fire-to-force-cancellation-breitbart-editors-uc-berkeley-talk.html

The appropriate way to deal with such things is to tear gas and/or baton the protestors who are breaking windows and starting fires, expel any students involved, and arrest and prosecute all participants.  Will UC or City of Berkeley do that?  Of course, not.  They encourage it.  Note the pro-trans, pro-dyke, etc. signs (actually, battle shields).  I expected that kids of mine would find such things offensive and indefensible.  So, do you? 



[mine]

No time to investigate the link.

Will say that I absolutely don't think batons and tear gas are ok at all even in instances of vandalism. That kind of force is only acceptable to me if there is no other way to stop violence that is being committed against human beings, not objects. Even if the protestors were neonazis.


[His response]

You and I fundamentally disagree.  That is an understatement  Your views are naive and nonsensical.  That also is an understatement.  I'm appalled.  And I'm ashamed of you.  I don't know you if that is really what you believe.  Under your views, I would have to allow "protesters" to burn down my business, or burn down my house, and neither the police nor I should intervene unless my life was in danger.  Where do you get such absurd and irrational views?  That's a rhetorical question.  You got those views from fine institutions like —.  And from the mainstream media.  You sure as hell didn't get them from your Mother or me.  Just so you know, if anyone attempted to burn down my business, let alone burn down my house, I would shoot them.  No question.  No hesitation.  I don't care who they are.

I patronize a small family business in downtown a restaurant that’s run by (legal) immigrants.  Their windows have been broken and their restaurant vandalized multiple times by "Occupy ——“ and other such - excuse me - scumbags.  You don't know who these people are.  If you do, then your views are even more appalling.  I have to deal with them on a regular basis.  That's driven away customers from downtown, including in particular their business.  They are struggling to stay afloat.  The owner has tears in her eyes when we come there.  Literally.  That business supports a large extended family, as well as relatives back in ——.  I give them tips which are many times my/our bill in the hopes of helping them out in some small way.  According to you, we should let the protesters vandalize their business -- even burn it down! 

Shame on you!  I am incredulous.  Shame on you.

Your Dad, who obviously failed miserably in raising you

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome E2017:   
Sorry about your situation with your dad. You will never win with the type of issue in your dad's email.

Your filtering process sounds like a good idea. Probably best to put a boundary in place and not get into circular arguments with your dad.  You will save your self a lot of frustration. Does your dad not have a like-minded person to debate these things with?

 The link below leads to a discussion on avoiding circular arguments that could be helpful. It refers to not JADEing (don't justify, argue, defend or explain)

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Setting boundaries with people with personality disorders is essential for your sanity.  Not invalidating him can help situations. The only thing you have control over is yourself and the way you interact with him and react to him. Using certain skills can make things easier for you. Sounds like he caught you in a weak moment with the email.

 There is a wide green band at the top of this page. You will find a "tools" menu there with links to info. on boundaries, not invalidating as well as other helpful skills.

Are your dad and mom still together?

[HappyChappy]

Hi E2017,

What an awful e-mail to get, I’m not surprised this triggers anxiety. If you want an honest objective view, it clearly looks like the main intended here was to kick off an argument. The first e-mail is civil enough, but then he goes from civil to  high aggression on the turn of a penny. A bit of an emotional ambush.

It looks as if he knew what your reaction would be. So when he says  “I don't know you if that is really what you believe.” He is just trying to cover up the fact he knew this would trigger you.

All around the globe there is tension between hard liners, and liberal views. So it was an obvious fight to pick. He chose a topic already loaded with tensions. In my country fox news is considered to have a strong provocative bias, which adds to his ultimate aim. Does fox have a similar reputation in your country ?

I think you’ve called this as it is. He’s just an eight year old kid, prodding you in the ribs to get you annoyed. I would assume he’s doing this to get attention (which is as flattering as it gets from someone with BPD)

Someone with BPD has no strong sense of self. So their political arguments can be all over the place, no clear focus. Which appears to be demonstrated in your Dad’s e-mail. Apologies if I’ve missed something, but he seems to be against people protesting against the right, but also in support of victims of the right. Or in other words, he’s just saying whatever he thinks will provoke you. His black and white thinking is also there, no sense of compromise, no need to discuss or understand the other side.  “I would shoot them.  No question.  No hesitation. “

Out of interest, do you believe your Dad has  “I give them tips which are many times my/our bill” more than once (to establish his point) ? I’m glad you see this for what it. It quiet understandable this would wind you up, a BPD is expert at this. But I hope you have recovered a bit faster, by getting some objective feedback.  Feel free to share more if it helps.   

[Panda39]

Hi E2017,

I'm on these boards because my SO has an uBPDxw.  My SO used to get a lot of emails designed to engage him or create an argument because she wanted his attention.  (Negative interaction was still an interaction).

One of the things those of us who have to co-parent with a BPD parent do, is to review those emails for what really needs to be responded to.  My SO could get emails like yours just designed to get him to engage usually something about what a bad dad he was.  Yes, she was pushing his parenting button so he would defend himself (JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) and into a circular no win argument they would go. 

He has learned over time to only respond to emails or parts of emails that are specific to the needs of his daughters.  He doesn't take the bait anymore and she has figured out that she can't get what she wants from him (drama/engagement) anymore and he hears from her less often.

We have a saying here don't validate the invalid.  When your dad emails you, review the email is it really something that is important for you to respond to?  Is it triggering you?  If you are unsure if you should respond or not, leave it alone for awhile and come back to it later.  It is okay to take your time responding or not respond to everything.  I think it would have been appropriate to not reply to your dad's email at all. 

Your dad's response to your email very hurtful but see it for what it really is... .it was all about him and his disorder and is not about you. 

Take Care,
Panda39

[GirlWithCurl]

Don't you wish you could write back... .

Dad?  I've been struggling for a while with this and want to run it by you because from your emails I can tell that you are going downhill quickly.  While you still have some of your faculties maybe you would like to tell us what you want us to do with you when you deteriorate further.  Surely you have thought of your old age.  No?  Don't worry because I have. You wouldn't want to leave that decision up to just me though would you?  I've looked at pamphlets for facilities for you but, unfortunately, I think only a state facility will be affordable.  Here.  I am enclosing some of the pamphlets for facilities including state ones for you to consider.  We really should be prepared for this. 


I am the scapegoat, too.  I wonder why.  I think they see that they are different from us... .uh if you can excuse my momentary fantasy above.  Sometimes I think it is because they see something different, kind and good in us that they must destroy.  Who knows?  They don't seem to understand that their actions and words have eventual repercussions or maybe they just don't care.  I'm sorry you got the chair kicked out from under you again.  That must be what it felt like to open the email and out fell thorny confetti.

[E2017]

Thank you all for the support and understanding. It was really bolstering to wake up to your messages today. I appreciate the info about JADE and not invalidating. I've learned some of those skills by trial and error over the years--it's nice to finally learn from others who have handled similar dynamics! There are so many reasons I want to "JADE," like to protect my other family members from him, stand up for what is ethical, not let him get the impression the things he says are ok, and maintain my own dignity... .So it takes all the support I can get to remember that that does more harm than good. Because you're right, it rarely helps. And when I do make a breakthrough, it's short-lived and requires more time and energy than I have to give. It's an endless cycle.

To answer some questions that came up, my mom and dad have been divorced as long as I can remember. He nevertheless likes to hold my mom up as an icon of saintly behavior, ever since he and my stepmom started having problems. (Black and white thinking, again.) Yes, I have imagined countless clever and cutting responses it would feel so satisfying to write, but I never send them. Your example is a good one, GirlWithCurl. The family is willing to forgive him for the most abhorrent things he says, but I don't think he'd be capable of forgiving me for a dig that really hit a tender spot.

And yes, I am sure that he has been giving large tips to the restaurant he mentioned. He's a very generous person and likes to do things like that. He has a particularly difficult combination of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. When he's not upset about something he can be unusually sensitive, generous, supportive, emotionally insightful, and even liberal. When he's Mr. Hyde he's awful. I'm sure you all know how difficult that can be. If he was 100% Mr. Hyde I think I'd have an easier time protecting myself emotionally from him.

Take care!
-E

[Charlie3236]

Hi E2017! 

So glad you wrote! My BPD little sis also uses texts and emails to attack. The only thing I've learned is that taking the bait & responding just perpetuates her distortions. The best thing for us is to just ignore her when she's being aggressive or nasty.

I just want to say how sad and depressing it must be to not have a "real" dad... .One that is loving and supportive the way a father should be.  I feel the same way about my sister, especially when I see other sisters having such great relationships. I feel like I got cheated out of something really awesome. But it is what it is, and I've found other women to be pseudo-sisters to me! They are loving and kind and not mentally ill.

Rather than shut down emotionally anymore, I am able to just compartmentalize my sister out of my brain and go on to live a happy life without her! It's sad, but it's the only way I can maintain my own mental health. I hope this helps, I felt compelled to write these things to you today.
Good luck and blessings to you!

[Notwendy]

My opinion is that his e mail is bizarre. It comes right out of the blue. I didn't see anywhere that you condoned the behavior of the protesters or anything that would prompt such condemnations.

And for what? So you two have different political views? For that he is ashamed of you? Narcissistic parents see their kids as extensions of themselves. But you are a separate human with the right to vote

It seems he was just looking for an opportunity to go off on you. Anger is a way to let off steam and feel powerful. The letter says more about him than you. It looks like bullying.

One thing to keep in mind when he sends these things is that it is drama/anger bait. You don't have to take it. You can also consider a boundary- I will not talk politics with you dad. Or not answer at all.