My anger at her is destroying my life.

[heartofglass]

My BPD mom did my poor dad in with daily physical/verbal abuse and he died of heart failure almost exactly a year ago. (They were married 40 years.)

Since then she has taken on a new "passionate" persona shockingly quickly (even switching her musical tastes), went from having zero friends to "too many", and found herself a guy off match.com just six months after Dad's death. And now, just days away from the one year anniversary of dad's death, she revealed she is going away for a dirty weekend with the boyfriend at the same vacation spot she and dad went all the time.

I am finding it increasingly difficult to control my rage. I feel constantly angry. She was horrible to my dad and yet she manages to find love less than a year after his death, while the rest of us are still getting used to not having him around anymore.  

Everything seems to go smoothly for her without consequence. Because she managed to bully my dad to sign away our inheritance to herself, she never has to work again and her biggest worry in life is monitoring contractors as they perpetually upgrade her house. She actually considers that "stress". She offers no help with our children and is a fair weather grandma (only wants to know us when things are going well and blames us as parents if we're struggling with anything.) She has never once babysat and she lives in the same town. Meanwhile we have job worries and kid worries and nonstop stress. She is in a completely different world. Nothing I say about this phases her in the least.

I need help controlling my deep-seated anger over this.

[GirlWithCurl]

Gee.  I sure do understand your anger.  I am spitting it out here where it is safe to do so.  I am not going to set myself up to be disappointed in my words or actions.  I am not participating anymore.  Lucky me.  My foo is using me as the scapegoat right now and "punishing" me for not tap dancing the way they want so avoiding or participating isn't something I have to deal with often.  Still, it hurts to see your dad ... .may I use the word murdered?  I will tell you something.  I bet dollars to doughnuts the Match person is disordered, too, and one day he will take all her money.  For your sake, lets not wish that because Mommy Dearest will come right back into your life expecting your help and support.  Just curious.  Is the new Mr. Right younger than her?  Just curious.

How to deal with our anger?  You can tell her what she did but she either can't understand or simply doesn't care.   Maybe that would be okay with you to dump it on her and tell her what you really think even though she will likely laugh.  I won't do that anymore because then I get even more angry.  I guess the best we can do is try to build a happy life.

I am sorry.  I really am.  To be stuck in anger is to be poisoned.  Lets find a way not to be poisoned anymore.

[Panda39]

Hi heartofglass,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad, the anniversary of his death sounds like it is triggering a fresh round of grief.  I lost my dad years ago and still miss him everyday.  Grieving a loss happens in our own time in our own way.  The 5 stages of grief... .Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance do not come in any particular order and you may bounce around several different stages at once.

I also can see why you would be angry with your mom, it probably feels like your dad didn't matter at all to her and as his daughter that is very hurtful. 

She has a mental illness that isn't rational and no matter how much you try to make it rational it just isn't.  Your dad's death is actually what someone with BPD fears most... .being abandoned.  Death is the ultimate abandonment.  She is now scrambling to fill the void left by your dad's death.  Does that make her apparent disregard for your dad okay? Of course not it is completely insensitive to your feelings and those that loved your dad. But it can be completely logical for someone with BPD.

I arrived on this website a very angry lady too.  My SO (significant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) that was doing amazingly hurtful things to him and their 2 daughters.  It has helped me to really understand what BPD is all about (I read a lot of books on the subject) and then coming here helped with further developing my knowledge with peoples real life, real time situations.  I also learned tools and techniques that helped me handle our situation better and eventually I was able to get to "Radical Acceptance" regarding the ex.  She is who she is and it is not in my power to change her.  What I can do is manage the ways in which I interact with her or not.

You may not be at a place of radical acceptance yet but below is a link to more on that topic... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

One thing that helped me was coming here and talking to other's that "get it" and just being able to vent and get other's perspectives could help me cool off or look at things from another angle. 

I hope I've helped some.
Take Care,
Panda39

[Notwendy]

Heart of Glass-

I can relate to some of this. My father left my mother everything. She is quite comfortable financially. Never earned a dime of it.  I am frugal and responsible with money so it isn't easy to see her be careless with the money my father worked hard for. I worked through college as she wouldn't let my father help much with tuition, worked to earn things I wanted, yet she got whatever she wanted.

I could be resentful of this. But it is also a gift. The gift is that, she has enough money to live on and that alleviates some issues for her grown children. While we don't feel responsible for her, it would be hard for us to see her destitute.

She didn't get a boyfriend, but we would not have been surprised if she did. She is still attractive at her age. If she found another man, she would not be alone. However, at her age, I doubt she is interested at this point.

I know you miss your father, but the fact that your mother is moving on is really better for you than if she was a destitute lonely widow. It also gives you the choice to move on and not look back if you choose.