Question about strategies: (book) Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr

[TDeer]

In this particular book on BPD, there's a big emphasis on compassion on the pwBPD, who is said to be in a lot of emotional pain, etc.

Ok... .so the person is in a lot of emotional pain. That is terrible, but it also talks about assuming that each person with BPD is trying hard to control their behavior. That you should validate whatever you can, practice validation, and also DO NOT validate something that's not good. For example, validate that someone is feeling sad, but not that they're doing drugs since that isn't helpful to you or them.

Can I really assume my person with BPD is ashamed of her actions and lack of control? I would guess this is an individual question for each person to answer, right?

Or could I really just assume that my MIL pwBPD is ashamed of her behavior just because it's the most practical thing to do?

I realize that I have to be "the leader" when it comes to interacting with someone with BPD since they don't have the skills, etc, to deal with things the right way (unless they're in active recovery and taking at least part of the responsibility), but can I and should I assume that someone is ashamed of BPD behaviors when they haven't told me? How might I be able to tell?

What are some signs? Or do I just assume because they all are typically ashamed?

[Panda39]

I would say that I have seen shame in my SO's uBPDxw.  The problem is that because she is dysfunctional she is unable to respond to that shame in the way a healthy person would so the situation just gets worse.

My SO uBPDxw has done a lot of disappointing, cruel, neglectful, even criminal things trying to be the person she thinks she needs to be, to be loved, approved of or successful.

Her way of feeling better about herself is often "magical thinking" and money.  She wants to be the hero.  She tells her kids she's going to buy a half million dollar home when she's being evicted or she's going to buy her daughter a car when she's living on $1,200 a month alimony, or that she is working for a Petroleum company when in fact she doesn't have a job, or she is going to pay to stay in hotels (found guilty of felony fraud for writing a bad check) or she is going to send her daughter to camp (the same camp she sent her to last year and didn't pay for), or worst of all her imaginary "Family Trust" would pay for her older daughter's year at a private liberal arts college.

She's always trying to do something superfantastic and the more she fails the bigger the promises become.  Could she just apologize like any normal person would no, it's to painful to admit she is at fault or wrong or made a bad decision.  It's easier to lie or try to sweep it under the carpet with an even bigger promise or blame someone else.  To me she is perpetually an immature 15 year old that can't handle getting caught doing something she shouldn't.  She has been exactly the same for the last 6 years even down to making several of the same promises over and over again.

Does the fact that she feels shame make me feel compassion for her maybe a little but when you balance that with parental alienation, false allegations of child abuse, putting your daughter on a plane to Wisconsin with a one way ticket to camp that you haven't paid for, or sending your daughter across the country to college and don't pay putting her in $15,000 debt, I'm afraid I can't take the high road. You won't find a lot of compassion for her from me, that is given to her daughters and ex husband who have suffered abuse at her hands.

Panda39

[TDeer]

PANDA-


Thank you very much for the help of your experience. I don't pretend to understand the magnitude of what your pwBPD did to you, but it does help me a lot.

My MIL pwBPD ... .I don't tend to feel a ton of compassion for her either since she's a grown woman, a heck of a lot older than I am, and could definitely get mental help if she would just admit that she needed it.

So I guess it's best to just try to act compassionate when I can with this woman and nod and smile the rest of the time since feeling true compassion is probably out of the question since she's the author of her own problems. I could let her off the hook easily enough if she were just hurting herself, but the impact its had on me, who isn't even her blood or dependent on her, is ridiculous.

Anyway, thank you for the understand you're showing to me and the sharing of your experience. It helps.

[Skip]

Valerie Porr is a parent of a borderline child and, if I remember correctly, she has some struggles herself. I say this as it helps to know the mindset of the author and the context.

The comment that everyone is doing the best they can is a broad comment - not an acute one. pwBPD are impulsive and at times their impulses and emotions override their efforts to "do their best".

The first aspect of "validation" is to not be invalidating. We have an excellent video here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

I applaud you for reading such a complex book in an attempt to foster peace in your family.

[TDeer]

Skip

Since Valerie Porr's book is written from her perspective of a mother of a child with BPD, is there another book that you know of that would be closer to the perspective of dealing with an inlaw?

For example, my pwBPD is my mother-in-law. There is a lot that is in common in general with BPD even in Valerie Porr's book since it's the same illness, but I've not had much luck finding out what to read with a more compassionate / problem-solving approach when it comes to MIL being the pwBPD.

I don't identify as being the child of a pwBPD, so that leaves out certain books like "Understanding the BPD Mother", right?

I will still keep reading, and maybe even some of these other books that aren't quite on point for MIL BPD, but I was wondering if you had any thoughts or recommendations?

THANK YOU

[Skip]

I think you might do better to post on the the Improving Board and read:

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder Author: Shari Y. Manning, PhD Publisher: The Guilford Press; 1 edition (August 15, 2011) Paperback: 253 pages ISBN-10: 1593856075 ISBN-13: 978-1593856076

Don't let the title be a turn off, this book is page after page of adult to adult tools. Learning how to avoid tripping her triggers, defusing them when they come, and not taking it personally is the name of the game. It's not too hard when the person is at arms length.

[Panshekay]

Panda39, I have never heard the term  "Magical thinking"  that phrase is so on the money!  That's exactly what my uBPDDIL is like.  So many similarities. Thank you for sharing. 

[Panda39]

Panda39, I have never heard the term  "Magical thinking"  that phrase is so on the money!  That's exactly what my uBPDDIL is like.  So many similarities. Thank you for sharing. 

Yes, it's the whole if she believes it, it must be true thing. This behavior has been incredibly hurtful to her daughters and is the primary reason neither has very much contact with her. 

[TDeer]

Thank you Skip!

It's very tough to figure out which book to read, when it's labeled "for a BPD lover or child". I'll try it out!


Also - the "magical thinking" is a great term. I realize this in retrospect, only because someone else pointed it out. My pwBPDMIL was telling me that "she was my CHAMPION" because she wasn't helping out with the wedding money at all. ?

Suffice to say, that made no sense to me at all. She was telling me "I'm your champion" as she was playing games. What? It's so ridiculous coming from a woman over 60 years old. She was basically telling me that she thought that I was going to go ahead and spend everything and then she was going to have to save me later. So if she played keep-away, then in the end, she was going to save me with almost no money. She was also telling me that she was going to SAVE me and put this money towards my housing deposit on my new home. She hadn't talked to my husband-to-be (her son) about that. She was behaving erratically and without any sense at all. My parents paid almost everything and his dad paid his share. She wound up bailing on the whole thing because she got mad and was playing a game the whole time. What a JOKE.

However, now I can see what you're saying about "magical thinking". It was likely that she didn't have anything in the first place OR had so little that she wasn't able to be the center of attention?

Who the heck knows. What an idiot. I also had no clue what was going on and I tried super hard to explain things to her and make her "feel included".

If only I had known better.

But at least I can take the knowledge and apply it to the future.