Has anyone had a rational conversation when breaking up with a BPD?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have had many, many breakups with my uBPD over the last two years. We had last broken up just before Christmas and then bumped into each other a couple of weeks ago - we had an amazing night, which ended with me staying at hers (at her invite) but nothing physical happened as we were way too drunk.

A moderate amount of messaging, a few more catchups and then she started being hostile at any mention of other women (she was clearly projecting, as I know she was seeing other guys). She was adament I could do whatever I wanted, but just couldn't lie about it (which is what she was doing).

I asked her for a quick coffee just now as I didn't like where things were headed... .and she very calmly and rationally said she had been a ___ because she was pushing me away as she felt we were heading in the wrong direction, she didn't want to get back with me and thought our level of interaction was "unhealthy". She admitted she had been at fault by contacting me - she said there was fault on both sides.

It sounded very sane and un-BPD like, yet, also familiar as we had broken up in the past with similar discussions, only to get back together very quickly (normally when he anxieties got the better of her). It doesn't feel that way this time as we left without physical contact and just said good bye.

We agreed not to message each other, which made sense as she was going away for 3 weeks anyway.

Has anyone else ever had a sane-sounding break up which was a real and actually lasted? Or did the crazies start all over again?

[FSTL]

I have had many, many breakups with my uBPD over the last two years. We had last broken up just before Christmas and then bumped into each other a couple of weeks ago - we had an amazing night, which ended with me staying at hers (at her invite) but nothing physical happened as we were way too drunk.

A moderate amount of messaging, a few more catchups and then she started being hostile at any mention of other women (she was clearly projecting, as I know she was seeing other guys). She was adament I could do whatever I wanted, but just couldn't lie about it (which is what she was doing).

I asked her for a quick coffee just now as I didn't like where things were headed... .and she very calmly and rationally said she had been a ___ because she was pushing me away as she felt we were heading in the wrong direction, she didn't want to get back with me and thought our level of interaction was "unhealthy". She admitted she had been at fault by contacting me - she said there was fault on both sides.

It sounded very sane and un-BPD like, yet, also familiar as we had broken up in the past with similar discussions, only to get back together very quickly (normally when he anxieties got the better of her). It doesn't feel that way this time as we left without physical contact and just said good bye.

We agreed not to message each other, which made sense as she was going away for 3 weeks anyway.

Has anyone else ever had a sane-sounding break up which was a real and actually lasted? Or did the crazies start all over again?

[infjEpic]

Has anyone else ever had a sane-sounding break up which was a real and actually lasted? Or did the crazies start all over again?

The pattern I'm most familiar with is a short period of lucidity, at which stage the Non either gets their hopes up or believes they can be friends.
Followed by ever escalating levels of abuse.

The lucid periods are the most harmful, not the abusive -due to the confusion, guilt, shame, false hopes & false beliefs it may generate in the Non.

[jo19854]

I had a normal conversation with wife in the morning about what we would eat for dinner, also that I was proud of us because she had just finished a chemotherapy that lasted a year and that we both managed it so well. She smiled and gave a hug and she waved when I went to work. When I returned she was already one and had left a note with no explanation. Coming 6th Feb it's 3 years ago and I have never seen or heard from her  ever again. She's in USA and left Holland that day. ... .Just saying , BPD ... .we can ask ourselves all kind of questions but we will probably never find a complete explanation for their behaviour and motives.

Jo

Ps
Today is extra hard because we would have been married 5 years today. We were together since 2003. I ask myself every day, why, how, and it's tearing me apart

[FSTL]

Ps
Today is extra hard because we would have been married 5 years today. We were together since 2003. I ask myself every day, why, how, and it's tearing me apart
[/quote]


Jo - that is awful... .really feel for you on this day of all days.

[FSTL]

The lucid periods are the most harmful, not the abusive -due to the confusion, guilt, shame, false hopes & false beliefs it may generate in the Non.

I felt good about it at the time (as I have with at least one previous break up) as I though "we're done, I have finality"... .but then a feeling of dread started to settle as I felt I had heard this before.

I don't want to be friends as we just can't do it. I can't do NC... .but hopefully I can do detachment and she will leave me alone.

[SWLSR]

FSTL

To answer you question, I do not think so.  But I am be biased, I completely do not trust her and try to avoid all conversation with her, because I tend to think when she is going through these lucid moments she is just laying a trap for me.  So it is my opinion that she is just laying a trap for you. 

[vortex of confusion]

Ex and I have had lots of rational conversations. I find those to be more confusing than when he is playing his verbal word salad games.

Now, it seems that when he is being rational, I get irrational because I find it so maddening. Those rational moments in the past are what usually kept me on the merry go round.

Ex is perfectly capable of being rational and having a very normal sounding conversation. There is very little follow through afterwards.

[noideaforname]

well for me, after the break up she is the most rational person i ever seen.
the times we talked she was ok, and saying that we could not be together for a while because she has BPD and she needs to get better.
Pointed out a lot of things that we could not have the same opinion... .she was a lot more rational than i could ever be.
I asked for another shot and she was saying a lot of right things about why we shouldn't try anymore. all the things she said made a lot of sense... .and that made me feel pretty bad.

when we were together she would cry even if i said hi to any girl.

[FSTL]

Thanks for responses... .I am now recalling a few more breakups (I can't believe I have to remember so many... .). On one of them, at the time, she complimented me for being rational when we discussed it and then the next day told me to "f-off" because she had though about it some more and was angry. I now see that as her getting the upper hand in the abandonment stakes (ie she was abandoning me by being abusive). She then periodically reached out to me and then when I finally took her back, she abused me non-stop for over an hour.

So, yep, whilst I feel good now, I also have an underlying dread that she'll ignore what we discussed as soon as her feelings overtake her... .

[bus boy]

Hi FSTL, sorry to hear your having a rough day. I know how you feel.

Rational conversation, rarely, if ever. It is impossible to get rational out of the irrational.

[FSTL]

Ex is perfectly capable of being rational and having a very normal sounding conversation. There is very little follow through afterwards.

This is a key factor with my X... .she is in therapy now (not for BPD, but for anxiety, although it sounds like her therapist is aware of her BPD issues) - she was very enthusiastic about it at first, but she told me yesterday that she is not doing her "homework". She grew depressed when I told her that I thought it realistic that she may have to do therapy for a long time. She also didn't want to go back to work after her 3 week holiday as she found it boring.

Over the whole time I have known here, she has had so many plans, which she has never carried through. And then the plans change... .all the time !

[FSTL]

So by way of an epilogue... .I walked into work this morning and there she was in reception. I don't think she was waiting for me (I was really late), but it is uncanny she was there right when I walked in. I said hi and headed in a different direction, so yay to me for being strong and not engaging.

Then I got to my desk and there was already a work email from her with a dubious purpose and certainly it was not needed. I weakened (it was automatic, without thinking) and sent her a thoughtful response, so not so good from me.

Then she responded without asking me a question, so I didn't respond back. Yay to me me for being strong and not engaging.

Despite our earlier rational conversation, I am guessing her world has moved on by several turns, so who knows what is going on now. My plan is to keep working on boundaries and try and focus on other things.