My gf of 5 years, non-diagnosed BPD, cycle of breakups

[JSbrooklyn247]

I'm sure this is going to sound repetitive but I'm just trying to get through life right now with this constant lump in my throat. I've finally put the pieces together and realized that she is 99.9% undiagnosed BPD and her father as well. My dad is a psychologist and helped me put the puzzle pieces together. Everything I've read online is a match, except from physical abuse. Looking back, I've always noticed hints, especially the cyclic pattern of going distant for seemingly no reason and being overtly critical of even my most basic of human flaws, but things have come to a head these last 2 weeks. I don't want to get into every detail but I know I need to talk to someone because I am becoming extremely depressed and having a hard to thinking about anything else. We are currently on a "break" right now at her behest. My intuition is for the most part spot on and I had a gut feeling she was talking to this guy that she starting talking to the last time we were on a "break", which was last year, almost to the day. It seems that right before christmas and last weeks to months afterwards, quits her jobs, gets depressed, wants to "sort things out and figure out her life." That happened last year, and now the exact same things is happening again. It hurts because I know she will be back again but I also know that without help, this pattern will continue for as long as I let it. I want my sanity back. The other guy is someone who is very cold and distant person himself so I'm assuming she runs to him because he's the exact opposite of me, and her "moodiness" as she calls it, won't effect him nor will it cause her guilt. She would often accuse me of being overly sensitive or reading into things too much, but damn it I am just human, I'm not a robot nor a mind reader. If anyone knows of a therapist in New York City, please let me know. I've been researching a few lately, because I really need to talk to someone. I'm on the verge of tears all day. Sorry for the essay.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

There is no need to apologize. A lot gets written here, and we listen well. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone. We all tend to quickly learn that the members here have all been in similar situations. The frustrations that come from not being a mind-reader while trying to understand is certainly something that I'm familiar with. If I'd ask questions, I was reading too much into everything. If I didn't ask, I was accused of not caring.

You are right though, only you can break the cycle. She almost certainly won't do it on her own. Learn all you can about BPD.  There are workshops on the boards that give some good practical pointers on how to deal with communication, rages, etc.  The articles are also very informative. 

I know that you said that you're on a break right now, but are you still in contact with her?

We are here for each other, and we also know how much it helps to write things out.

[JSbrooklyn247]

HI Melll!

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and to respond- sorry for getting back so late! It's certainly reassuring to know that my experience and feelings are understood by others who have been through eerily similar dynamics and scenarios. I've definitely been doing what you suggested and have been reading a lot about BPD, if not for trying to save this relationship, but for understanding the emotional whirlwind of a rollercoaster that I've been on and for recognizing red flags in future relationships as well.

From the date of the initial post to then, we were in limited contact and the times that we did talk were basically me calling her and trying to make sense of everything. Eventually, I figured out what was what, had enough of it all and called her saying "You know what, who you talk to or dont, and what you do or don't do, is none of be concern, I'm better off directing that energy into myself. It is what is" and had to go. That was 3 days before she visited. A day after that, she wrote me an email, that started off saying she was very sorry she failed me, that she loved me more than anything, was sorry she wasn't there for me when I needed her during rough times in my life, that we both made mistakes and she wanted to clean up her mess... .However she ended it with mixed signals saying that we both needed to grow in our own way.

So basically I replied to her the same thing back, because honestly, I still loved her but at this point I was extremely confused about what I wanted anymore as well. We end up hanging out at her hotel and end up sleeping together within 5 minutes light banter, some awkward flirting. It was great at first but right afterwards, back to square one, and she wouldn't even kiss me after the fact. We grab food in the morning, she does her own thing that day and we hang out 2 days later, but when we did... it's as if it never happened. So as we're hanging out, I casually ask what she did the day or night before, and gives me completely vague general answers. So again, my gut and intuition are telling me that the previous guy is back in her life and I was wondering if I was just being strung along again and they probably hooked up that day, which repulsed me and I felt extremely embarrassed for myself. I end up asking about it to which she responds- ":)id you come here to grill me?" initially I was going to stop right there, but something inside told me to just rock the boat, because it really needs to be rocked and after all these years, I just wanted the truth. To be honest, it escalated quicker than I ever imagined, and after as much truth came out as I was allowed to receive, we were both very shaken up. At first I was furious but also kind of indifferent, like I was content with things feeling finally over but then somehow I ended up feeling guilty that I caused her to feel ashamed.

If anything, this has revealed to me that I definitely have codepency issues that I have to deal with. I know that BPD and codependent people somehow attract each other and looking back at my previous long-term relationships, that certainly seems like a pattern I fall into. At this point, we started texting when she messaged me for my birthday, and a few days after that, started talking on the phone again, both of us calling each other, facetiming, and sometimes texting. But it's definitely a weird dynamic- there's no sexual tension in the air, it feels like when I tell a story or mention something about my day, I'm talking to myself, there's no volleying back and forth unless the story comes from her end. I can certainly be an introvert but I'm also a very outgoing people person and absolutely hate walking on eggshells in any scenario whatsover. I don't want to have to practice game for the rest of my life just to make a relationship 'successful.'

My plan is to continue working on myself, do things I enjoy and love doing, continue creating a life for myself and make myself into someone who attracts high value partners (love, friendship, business, etc) into my life. I want the values that I put out in the world and the products of my energy to send the message that I expect others to give me their best efforts too and meet me 50-50 in whatever relationship we have. In terms of her, I love her but let's see where the chips fall.  I know that's kind of passive but I am open to input here. I care deeply about her I also have needs to and want a family one day. It frightens the hell out of me thinking that there's a possibility if we were to get married, I could totally be left waiting at the alter for fours after I was stood-up and the entire wedding crowd dispersed, and there I am calling an uber wondering how the hell I left myself get to that point.

[Meili]

Hey!  

None of that sounds passive at all! Taking care of yourself, setting boundaries to protect your core values to get what you want in your life, introspection, and growing are all active things.

If you are still in contact with her, or think that you might be in the future, then the basic communication tools in the sidebar to the right of the page (Listen with Empathy and Don't be Invalidating) will be of great benefit to you. Also, they will help you achieve one of the goals that you mentioned: having high value partners (love, friendship, business, etc) in your life.