Has anyone seen big improvements, get married, then abuse start again?

[Biff0710]

Hi Everyone,

To keep this short I've been in this relationship for 4 years.  From the beginning she was uber in love with me ready for marriage about 2 or 3 months in. Funny thing is about 3 months into the relationship she told me she treated her last fiancé like "s*#@" and would never do that to me.  (He unfortunately passed away in an accident).  

I didn't move into her house until about 2 years in. I was starting to be abused about 6 months into the relationship.  Always fighting, being very critical, screaming jealousy, could never do anything right, your typical walking on eggshells. This went on for about 2 years I brokedown as I was depressed from all the torment.   At that moment I sat her down and told her she was abusive toward me and she said she was sorry and never wanted to do that, etc.  That was in March 2015.  

In June 2015 I proposed, but took the ring back because I was still so scared of that returning.  She never went to talk to anyone about her issues.  We split for a week and got back together.  Later on in August I proposed again because she turned the pressure on again and same thing happened that I took it back.  At that time I knew something was in turn going on with me.  I had severe anxiety and PTSD.  I went and spoke with someone for about a year and she didn't speak to anyone.  The abuse stopped, but I could still feel a negative energy floating around in the air.  

This past September we went and started counseling and it has really seemed to help.  Now my question is she is just turned 37 and desperately wants kids and I understand this, but I'm nervous that this is all a charade and it will go back to what it was like in the beginning which is what I cannot do.   I feel super guilty about the proposals because I don't want to do that to anyone especially her.  I had to at the moment because I was not in the right spot.  My question is has anyone seen big improvements of being way less critical and abuse only to get married and have it change back?  

I know each person is different just want to see if anyone had this experience.  Also, I should mention I believe her grandfather was BPD as he was abusive towards his kids and her mother and aunt were extremely abusive to my girlfriend and her sister.  A lot of anger running throughout the family.  This is really a quick synopsis, but I just wanted to see if change was real or if they can hide it that well just to get what they want only to go back into the abusive/critical state?  Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[formflier]

Does she have a diagnosis from this or other counseling situation?

Are you guys doing couples only sessions or are both of you also doing individual work?

In counseling do you talk about the family history?

Big picture:  Recovery from BPD, even if a person is working hard on it, is a couple steps forward, few steps back, forward, back... .rinse... repeat... .

With hard work and a knowledgeable partner, there is a possibility of long term stability.  A knowledgeable partner will need to understand that there WILL BE regressions.  That partner will need to have a life plan to keep going for their life, while giving their BPDish partner space to sort themselves out.

That partner will need to have wisdom of when to help, how to help, and MOST IMPORTANTLY... .when to step aside and let their partner solve their own problems.

I would strongly advise to focus on recovery and mental health first, they think about kids, adopting and family life.

A cruel "fact" of this disorder, is that the pwBPD desperately want closeness and also fear it just as much.  So, it is very likely that a healthy relationship will look like you guys being relatively aloof from each other, vice super intimate.

You have a lot to think about.  Looking forward to reading your responses to my questions.

FF

 

[SettingBorders]

It's exacly like FF wrote: They wish to be close to someone, but when they are close, they have to push back. My partner proposed a few weeks before we moved together. Things worked out badly, there were lots of circular discussions and then I took the promise back to marry him. I also feel very sorry about this. I shouldn't have agreed. It hurt him a lot. This was, when he started to feel rejected and left out. For him my distance was the beginning of the end of our relationship. He didn't notice what drove me away.
Give yourself some time to think about what you want. 38, 39 or 40 is still ok to have kids nowadays. Don't let her preasure you. It's your life.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Biff0710, We can't tell you whether to stay or go, though we can help you to find the right path for you.  Many of us have been down this road before you, believe me.  What are your gut feelings about your r/s?  On some level, I suspect you recognize the red flags.   

It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that things will improve with marriage, though I would suggest that most of us found the opposite to be true with a BPD r/s.  Take your time to figure out what is best for you and beware of F-O-G (fear, obligation & guilt) which is how a pwBPD manipulates others.

LuckyJim

[Numbers321]

Biff0710 - your post reads like me 8 years ago. I didn't have the insight then that you do now. No, things haven't gotten better. I feel like each step on the relationship escalator released the tension temporarily, only for the rage and criticism to come back later. And by later I mean like 2 days.

[Red5]

Hello Biff0710,

I will echo all the above!

I am into year ten with my u/BPD (undiagnosed borderline personality disordered), we have been married for eight years now, this is my second marriage.

If you understand BPD, then you know the pattern of the r/s (relationship)... .most are the same.

Meeting, hooking up, dating, idealization, love bombing, then the other shoe starts to drop, then the push away, devaluation,  and the pull back, ie' recycle.

You may hear all kinds of seemingly crazy things during a fight or quarrel, re-writing of your r/s history, etc'.

There is much to learn about BPD, this is a great and safe place to learn these things.

Its a spectrum, increasing, and decreasing along the way, there may be other disorders in there with the BPD as well, .in short, its a challenge to get along, and make a life, there is much calamity, and emotional destruction.

Think long and hard about marriage, and children.

The key is knowledge, and understanding, KNOW what you may be taking on, getting into with a r/s with this woman.

Best of luck. Red5