I am stuck

[coworkerfriend]

Things are not getting any better at all with my pwBPD.  He has painted me completely black.  Tells me he can't stand to see me - to think about me - to look at me.  He didn't show up to work yesterday - he called and said he was sick.  I said I was sorry to hear that.  He hung up on me before we could say more.  I did not contact him at all.  I know that he showed up at the office after I left - it was on the security log and an employee saw him.

He called me this am to say he is sick.  I reminded him of a meeting he has.  He blew up about me controlling his life - that he can't stand me - he wants out - the same routine.  I said he could cancel if he wants and I left it at that.  He started to go off about how I let him stay in bed yesterday - he didn't get up at all - he didn't eat.  I know he was lying to me.  It took all my willpower not to say anything about the lies.

He said he has no feelings for me at all.  He isn't part of my life and he never will be.  I said I understand.  I did say that we have to get to a point of being able to talk to each other for work.  He called me a bully and said i always get my way.  I am trying to ignore his words.  I am tired of it. 

I read the beliefs that keep you stuck and I know that I am holding tight to those.   I don't know why.  I don't know what is making me hold so tight to them.  I feel like I can't clear my head of them.  He says he wants out of it all.  My life would be calmer and easier without all this chaos.  He says that I represent every negative thing in his life.  When he looks at me, he associates me with that.  I know that I can not change his feelings - I don't think I try to.   But I know I am stuck in not seeing a way out of this. 

There is no one in my life I can talk to about this.  No one would understand.  I can't open up to anyone at all.   I don't know what to do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

How long has this episode been going on, and how do you respond to these accusations and claims?  BPD is usually cyclic, and while you are not the actual cause of the negative emotions, you are the easy one to blame for them.  Given the magic circumstance, your pwBPD will most lickely cycle back from "I hate you" to ":)on't leave me".

Can you explain the relationship a bit?  It sounds like you both live together and work together? 

[coworkerfriend]

We have been together 7 or 8 years now.  We started our business and our personal relationship at the same time. Despite all the chaos, we have built a pretty successful business - I love our employees and our customers - I love what I do.  We have kept separate houses for our kids sake but we do spend a considerable amount of time together at his house.  At first, I didn't understand his outbursts - I blamed stress - I blamed myself - I blamed everything I could think of.  I even thought it had to do with the full moon at one point in time.  The outbursts were intense and he would always come back, apologize and make promises to be better.  In September of 2012, I was at my breaking point. He was verbally attacking me and I would stay and take it.  I was so afraid to leave - he constantly threatened to leave the business and I was afraid to do it alone.    I found this site and it literally has been a life saver to me.  We did go through periods of time that it seemed like he was making progress - I know that I changed a lot about myself and the way I communicate with him.  I do understand the illness and as much as I think I have radically accepted things, I don't know if that is always the case.  I immediately leave if he gets angry and I have been working on boundaries. 

He has painted me black in the past - if I go back and read my old posts, I remember those periods well.  I have taken on the bulk of the work since he is incapable of sustaining his mental stability and doing his job. 

We went through a really bad time in the spring and again in the fall - instead of lashing out in anger, he would refuse to eat and spent days in bed.  I stopped trying to "fix" it since I know that is pointless.  It seemed like his self awareness had increased and that he was making some progress. For 6 weeks, we talked quite a bit about his therapy which he feels isn't helping at all and talked about things we could do to improve our relationship at work and at home. 

On New Years, he had an "issue" with an employee which triggered a complete horrible dysregulation.  He hasn't shown up for work and stayed in bed 21 days so far this year.  He blames me for every problem that he has had the past 8 years.   He says that every time he looks at me, he has a negative association with me and it is getting worse every day.  I have made it a point to stay away from him which is what he says he wants and then accuses me of not caring about him - being selfish and cold.  He called me this am and was furious that I did not bring him food.  He came into work for a few hours and worked himself up about how hopeless his life is and that he is giving up.  I could tell he was getting angry so I left.  When I came back, he had calmed down.  Once he saw me, he started again saying that he can't stand to see me and he left. 

Since this has happened in the past, I think I have gotten myself stuck thinking that things will go back to the way they were.  But I am so tired and worn out, I know that won't happen.  I need to get it through my head that I will be ok without him.  I need to believe in myself - I lost myself. 

[Grey Kitty]

I read the beliefs that keep you stuck and I know that I am holding tight to those.   I don't know why.  I don't know what is making me hold so tight to them.

Can you write out the specific ones that ring true? And write them out in a more detailed, personal, visceral way?

That might help you more than reading the list and feeling overwhelmed.