Eye Opening Message from BPD Ex

[mushroom]

Just got this message from my BPD ex.  Very insightful into their minds I believe.  What they set out to do. Still doesn't stop the pain and truth of it... .  Just wanted to share it.

"And im the only one who can make you feel special and loved. I can forget you within days".

[kentavr3]

Read this opposite way. This was advised by the book "Stop walking on eggshells". And remember , that they provocate you and complains you on themselves. Actually, I would consider this txtmsg as attracting attention to make them grandiose. She wants to feel that she the only one who holds your happiness in one hand and nobody else. She has a fear that you'll find somebody else.
So here is encrypted message:
I can't make you special and loved, because I can't love and attach. I'm afraid that you'll forget me within days.

[Scaredtodeath]

My BPD wife also throws out things very simular.  Will say things like "I am the only one who has made you happy"  or when things are stress full and the divorce word comes up "How would you like to see me in another man's arms".  And sorry to say, at this point in time, maybe that would not be so bad.  Keep in mind that BPD seldom presents itself alone, and narcissistic personality  disorder  is a very common companion to BPD.  Remember, don't  take these remarks personally, which is much easier said than done.

[Soulcrushed4]

I agree with kentavr3.

I found my BPD ex would often send messages stating the opposite.
Ie: you don't want to try - meant I (he didn't) don't want to try
You are cheating - meant I (he) was cheating.

You are heartless cold uncaring. Perhaps he was feeling heartless cold uncaring?
It seemed to fit each time.

[kentavr3]

I would add something. Do not answer her right away. she is expecting you to answer in 1 min. wait 24 hours and then reply something like "It is your choice". Nothing else.)
Agree with Soulcrushed.
Did you have women ? Means she cheated on you.
Why you are so not normal today? means she have stress.
You ignoring your father! Means , why you are ignoring me.
Do tell bad staff our daughter about me. Means She already told our daughter something wrong about father.
I can gice hundreds and hundreds samples.
 It called a broken defending mechanism.

[AvaM]

Eye opening indeed! I feel like a light jut turned on in my head. I am reading "Eggshells" right now but haven't gotten to the part about how to handle the projection of negative feelings yet, so the suggestion of turning my H's accusations into opposite statements has not occurred to me. I have certainly recognized that many of the things he accuse me are obviously things that he himself is doing at that very moment, but this is a great tool to change what track my brain is on so that those negative feelings don't remain in me and I can be less defensive. There is one particular thing that he says frequently to make it seem as though there is something about me that is "making" him act out: "You are the only person in my life that I treat this way!" I just flipped that around and got "he is the only person in my life that treats me this way" (i.e, if his behavior was because of the person I am, others might also treat me this way) "you (me) are not the only person in my life I (he) have treat this way" :very true, as his exW can attest, and also those to whom we have gone for counseling that he has lied to and manipulated.

[apollotech]

Just got this message from my BPD ex.  Very insightful into their minds I believe.  What they set out to do. Still doesn't stop the pain and truth of it... .  Just wanted to share it.

"And im the only one who can make you feel special and loved. I can forget you within days".

That's a pretty concrete statement about idealization and devaluation: "... .make you feel special and loved." (Idealization) and "I can forget you within days." (Devaluation). It is sad that we are seen as objects only to achieve an end goal (emotional regulation for the pwBPD), rather than being viewed as people with our own hopes, dreams, problems, emotions, responsibilities, etc.

That is also indicative of the BPD magical thinking, as if he/she is the ONLY one on the entire planet that could make you feel loved and special. That seems to play into their ceaseless search to find that one true "soulmate" that can complete them, a completely fantastical belief, but it drives them from one relationship to the next, to the next, to the next, to the next.

[Confused108]

So what are we trying to say here? That what our exs say to us they mean the opposite? For example my ex had told me at the end that she never loved me . So what she just said that and meant the opposite?

[Herodias]

"That's a pretty concrete statement about idealization and devaluation: "   I agree with this... .

Mine would say to me, "you are the only one who would stay with me, right?"  I guess he had to prove me wrong... .

They do say allot of opposite things in that it is projection... .I would always tell my ex that I was a reflection of him.

[kentavr3]

you can have sex with any woman! - Means she sleeps with any man without preference.
you always listen to your mom! Means she is not in good communication with her Mom.
do you know how other my men respected me ?  but you can't! - Means you are the only one who respects her.
 and etc. etc . etc. I can recall many other funny now staff.
so let's put in order:
1.attract attention
2. devaluation.
3. opposite meaning.
 Again, they complain to us about themselves.

[kentavr3]

So what are we trying to say here? That what our exs say to us they mean the opposite? For example my ex had told me at the end that she never loved me . So what she just said that and meant the opposite?

this is a case when they say true. They can't love, they have problem with attachment (especially NPD). They can imitate love in Idealization stage.

[infjEpic]

So what are we trying to say here? That what our exs say to us they mean the opposite? For example my ex had told me at the end that she never loved me . So what she just said that and meant the opposite?

"Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviours, or feelings by attributing them--often in an accusing way--to someone else." (p.52, 2010)
https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-walking-on-eggshells

[Claycrusher]

So what are we trying to say here? That what our exs say to us they mean the opposite? For example my ex had told me at the end that she never loved me . So what she just said that and meant the opposite?

Kinda depends on whether she's projecting or not when she said it.

Mine wasn't when she FINALLY admitted that she never loved me, ever.  Even a pathological liar can tell the truth, some of the time.

[Claycrusher]

you can have sex with any woman! - Means she sleeps with any man without preference.

Well, with mine, it meant that she can have sex with any gender, regardless of preference. 

She found a girlfriend on an Internet dating site -another woman, legally married to a man, whom we shall call B.  My ex wife had sex with B. on their first date.  She gave me a glowing report -the sex she had with B. was better than anything she experienced with me.

On a subsequent date with B., she met B. at a hotel.  B. brought along her OTHER girlfriend, whom my ex wife had never previously met, and whom we shall call L.  L. is also legally married to a man.  My ex-wife had sex with L. while B. made a video recording of the event.  My wife told me about this because she was seeking advice on how to mitigate potential repercussions that she didn't think about when she decided to "do it" with L. while B. recorded it.

Ex-wife has admitted to me that what she seeks out of sex is feelings of power, domination, and control.  She would rather not have sex with someone she is emotionally attached to.  She admitted a preference for having sex with total strangers.

TMI, because all I needed to know was that she'd rather have sex with "anybody but Claycrusher".   Still, getting her to admit this stuff was pretty fascinating from an intellectual perspective.