Hi Lugnut
Welcome to BPD family!
Sorry to hear what you are going through. Living in a BPD relationship can be very challenging. I think you have made it to the right place to get some support.
It sounds like you have been trying to communicate with your wife and seem frustrated; which is understandable. Have you read any articles here deciding whether or not to break off your marraige? There are certainly some considerations to help ensure that your message is "heard" and not reacted to. Here is a link to an article on some decision making guidelines that may be of help:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111890.0Also, there is another board where your post is likely to get more responses called
"Conflicted or Deciding", you may consider posting over there if you would like to hear more from others.
Best, JRB