Trouble letting go of the woman I knew before it slowly went south

[Learn and live]

 So I've been broken up with my udBPD ex for just over six months. I've been in therapy for 5 years with the same guy and we've come to the conclusion that I'm noticing most come to after they research the forums, read the books, and have the talks. And that is that I'm codependent.  I desire to help or help fix. I was with my ex for a year and 2 months. She gave me the adoration and validation and affection that are typical with the start of these types of relationships.  And slowly she started having emotional outbursts, panic attacks, distrusting me, rages, gas lighting (didn't see it clearly until in the aftermath), cryptic jokes or comments that set me on edge, twisting facts around or passively manipulating the outcome of events. She'd throw herself onto the ground and scream and cry in public, in front of my house, on the street, in a crowd of people... .we would have a misunderstanding where I told her I'd need space to cool off and she'd take it hard. She'd come out of the shower covered in self inflicted scrapes. She'd bang her head on cabinets. She'd make me feel crazy for being upset that she went out to smoke or grab coffee with men that she didn't know when I told her it made me feel uncomfortable. I started to watch myself become controlling  and manipulative, myself. It got to a point where she was holding on to so much of what I said or did in the past that she wasn't letting me live down, that we were having fights or panic episodes 3 or 4 days of the week. And the other days were fun or full of great sex but with the lingering promise of conflict if she felt unheard or misunderstood  or under valued. Eventually we fought so much that we were both pulling back so I asked for space. In the break my buddy told her I was planning to leave. So she and I met up and I took the blame for everything (therapist said it is the cleanest way to get them to leave you alone and not try to damage you after you leave them) it worked. We had a month no contact and then she sent me a letter. I responded like a drunk fool after a rough night at the bar. She didn't respond. So I left it alone and sulked and tried to heal for 4 months. Then on my birthday she dropped and unsigned birthday card in my mailbox and left. I didn't see it. I was out at the store. She lives 30 minutes and way from me. And she drove up in her car at a red light by total random happenstance  ( no way she could know where I was ). We saw each other and both froze. I got in the car and we talked about life. She offered me a turn to speak and asked me if I was finished and she then talked aboutnherself. It was nice because after the amount of time apart I could see her disorder and her lack of object identification  showed. She couldn't mirror me because she had forgotten my personality. We kissed. I imagine to try to connect. It felt weird. We went back to my place  and I grabbed some things for a meeting I had down town she waited for me and we looked at pictures of our relationship and laughed and cried. It was hard times.  We left my place after I made it clear that I didn't want to have sex. And we held hands in the car while she drove me to my meeting. I listened  as she told me about her terrible dating experiences and how she loved me and missed me. She made sure to say that one guy was pretty cool but he didn't work out. And she's realizing how much power she has over men... .it was like watching anakin  turn into Vader right in front of me. I got turned off. She parked the car and we talked for a few moments about how she doesn't want me to forget about her and gall.in love with someone else and not want her later... .I told her that that is what people do and it will likely happen to both of us. She started splitting and I fell for it briefly.  She started crying and said that she doesn't do that anymore, cry... .earlier I had told her that I'm and ware she feels empty a lot and that the reason we fought so much was because she didn't trust me and I was triggering her and THAT was triggering me... .it was a cycle. She denied it earlier. Didn't believe me or want to. No interest in acknowledgment.  I didn't feel the need to point it out again. I got out of the car after a hear felt goodbye. I had told her to text me and give me her show dates to go watch her perform and she did 4 days later. I didn't respond. I waited a week because I knew I shouldnt go. I wrote her a letter detailing how much I love her but that it isn't healthy to spend time together.  That our dynamic was codependent and toxic. I brought up the good times and the bad and told her everything I needed to. I also told her that I can't go to her show after careful consideration, that it would mess me up. I said she could look me up down the road but that we should start living our lives and let go. That our chemistry had dissipated because of time spent apart and that it was a sign to continue. I told her she could contact me if her parents passed and that I'd sit with her, always. I'm moving to California from chicago so I'll be far from her.  I haven't heard back and I don't suppose I will until she's cycled again with someone else. I miss her terribly but I think I'm making the right call. I've been an emotional wreck. Drinking, sex, can't stop thinking about her, nightmares, insomnia, reading book after book. Therapy 4 hours a week. I'm working on building a better me but this is hands down one of the hardest endeavors I've undertaken. Anyone else out there in my boat ? I still love her but I know she's only here for herself. I also understand that it's because she's terrified and alone and really deeply hurt perpetually.  It's hard to separate with anger because it isn't her fault. But I know I need to separate somehow... .suggestions, storieso, comments?

[ynwa]

Hello Learn and Live,  welcome to the board.  You shared a powerfully honest story, and I can see you are handling it as best you can. You have taken good steps with your therapy and gotten to actualiy use some of the tools of detachment and disengagement.

I am sure you are aware that getting fully out of the feelings and emotions takes time. This board has a bunch of great resources and articles to help learn and gain tools to move forward.

More importantly, read the stories about people going through similar stories of their own and you will see you are not alone.  This board is a family of people helping each other!

Is there anything in particular you are having trouble with and have questions about?   

[iceonthehorizon]

Hello Learn and live,

 You are going through the same craziness that we all share when it is time to move on from these relationships. I've got my own issues at the moment with letting go and reading this forum many people go through the same thing. The one thing to know is that you are in charge of your own mindset and rescue not her.

As hard as it might seem right now it is actually you who has the power to move on past this relationship no matter how much you don't want to. So ask yourself this, what are you really afraid off? Are you afraid you will not find anyone else, there are millions of people out there, even if you cut it down to your age and preference there are lots and lots of great options for you out there.

My guess is that you don't want to leave her YET deep down because you are afraid of being alone by yourself while she moves onto her next victim.

You sounded just like I did a few weeks back, you talk about it in terms of her problems, her issues, what she needs to do to get better. The consensus over the years is that they don't really get better unless they willingly go and find good treatment. No pal, you need to stop thinking about her issues and start thinking and concentrating on your own issues. Ok you are co-dependent, don't use that as an excuse, you realise you have this trait now be glad you understand it so it helps you with future relationships.

She isn't going to rescue from this self inflicted pain you are causing yourself, she isn't interested, this is hard to accept but one you have to accept, she Does Not Care about the pain you are in, is this someone you want to be with, someone who doesn't care about you, where is your self-respect?

Seriously I know it is a hard journey, but it is about you and from the reading I've done on this forum it seems there is a theme for us non's in that we struggle while not really focusing on our own needs, instead focusing to much on the BPD faults and needs. Look after yourself pal, you deserve to have a good life, from what you wrote really it doesn't come across that you are currently.

[Learn and live]

 @ynwa
 Yes, very been trying to focus on staying strong and enveloping myself in hobbies and trying to stop toxic bandaids of drink, women, and such... .it's hard.
I suppose what I'm looking for is unclear. I'm struggling with emotionally shifting tracks. I still care for her even though I cognitively realize fully that she is terrible for me. It's like there is some faulty wiring in my brain. I've explores my child core trauma and know what it is . I know that time is the answer but I'm struggling to feel the earth beneath my feet and stop obsessing. The nightmares of her being happy with another person  and magically not having problems are keeping me up. I know that she will repeat the phases of the cycle and that the next guy likely won't last. I'm just having trouble stepping away from even thinking in those terms instead of " it's over, focus on yourself" "build a better you, it will help" " try to be patient. " I guess I didn't imagine the struggle would be this hard even though my therapist warned me it would be difficult... .thank you for the welcome. I really want to just show up at her show but it wouldn't be consistent on my part and would completely contradict my letter. Poor boundaries. I know... .but I want to see her face one more time. I still have her letters and the paintings she made for me in the adoration phase. I don't have to heart to throw them out. If anything I'd ceremoniously burn them to help it feel more closed but I'm not ready yet I guess

[Learn and live]

iceonthehorizon
 Harsh truth but you're absolutely right. I'm afraid of watching her move on or hearing about it while I'm alone. You're right.  What are you doing to move on  ?

[iceonthehorizon]

Learn and live,

 I am trying to just move on by looking after myself and not allowing my uBPDexgf to be important to me anymore. Yes no doubt my ex will be hooking up with other people, so what, she is allowed to do that, I too if I want to can go and hook up with new people although it tends to be easier for the girls to hook up because well they control and guys will hook up with basically most women.

Listen Pal, I know exactly what you are going through and how much it hurts, but although these forums etc give you comfort, when you are alone you have to rationalise out the craziness you experienced and force yourself to accept the reality of the situation. I probably spent a good month going through that facing of reality and it is a ___, it still stings a lot but you can't think your way out of this after a certain point.

Accept she has the right to do what she wants to do, it doesn't matter about the next guy, it might be the next guy could be perfect for what she needs, you aren't, but there are lots of people out there who are perfect for you and you have to let go of the notion she was 'the one'. She wasn't otherwise YOUR BRAIN would not have gone, wholly crap there is something wrong here. It is the deep parts of your brain protecting itself and trying to get you to wake up. The reality is your dopamine, serotonin boosts you got from when you were with her are still being provided in lesser amount by your continuation to think about her. As time goes on, your brain will balance the levels back to normal and you will feel a lot better. Remember all these books and therapists can tell you things, you are looking at the moment for someone to say to you... ."You got it wrong and she was perfect"... no she wasn't and the clever design within your Brain did its job and alerted you to the craziness and that you needed to escape. Actually rejoice in the fact you pulled yourself away from this and continue to do the right thing by NOT going back.

[infjEpic]

She gave me the adoration and validation and affection that are typical with the start of these types of relationships.  And slowly she started having emotional outbursts, panic attacks, distrusting me, rages, gas lighting (didn't see it clearly until in the aftermath), cryptic jokes or comments that set me on edge, twisting facts around or passively manipulating the outcome of events. She'd throw herself onto the ground and scream and cry in public, in front of my house, on the street, in a crowd of people... .we would have a misunderstanding where I told her I'd need space to cool off and she'd take it hard. She'd come out of the shower covered in self inflicted scrapes. She'd bang her head on cabinets. She'd make me feel crazy for being upset that she went out to smoke or grab coffee with men that she didn't know when I told her it made me feel uncomfortable. I started to watch myself become controlling  and manipulative, myself. It got to a point where she was holding on to so much of what I said or did in the past that she wasn't letting me live down, that we were having fights or panic episodes 3 or 4 days of the week. And the other days were fun or full of great sex but with the lingering promise of conflict if she felt unheard or misunderstood  or under valued. Eventually we fought so much that we were both pulling back so I asked for space.

Our stories are disturbingly similar (different timeframes tho) & up until this point, it's the most similar account I've read yet to mine.
It actually almost feels like you've been writing about my life... .

The ending was very different tho. Check out my first post in my post history if you want to compare.

I still have her letters and the paintings she made for me in the adoration phase. I don't have to heart to throw them out. If anything I'd ceremoniously burn them to help it feel more closed but I'm not ready yet I guess

I still have 'em too.
They're packed far away in the attic.

The letters I have are from her recycling attempts. They were fantastic for generating FOG. Fan-f***ing-tastic.
I feel no need to dump them. They're not hurting anyone, because I don't read them.
But they serve as a reminder, of what I've come through and recovered from - and what I will not accept/tolerate ever again

'cryptic jokes or comments that set me on edge... .She'd make me feel crazy for being upset that she went out to smoke or grab coffee with men that she didn't know when I told her it made me feel uncomfortable. I started to watch myself become controlling  and manipulative, myself.'

Have you ever relayed this to a female friend?
Just to gauge their reaction?

You should... .could be enlightening... .

It's hard to separate with anger because it isn't her fault. But I know I need to separate somehow... .suggestions, storieso, comments?

What do you mean by this statement? 'it isn't her fault'

Do you mean it's your fault?
Do you acknowledge that healthy people in loving relationships do not do this to each other? Triangulation, the crytpic jokes and comments, generating fear within you of being cheated on to control you?

Do you feel guilty or ashamed for becoming 'controlling and manipulative'? Emasculated?

I think you overestimate the level to which you may be codependent.

How would you feel - if you knew that much of her emotion you describe in the closing stages, was not genuine?
That much of it was done to manipulate and control you?
To generate more feeling of Toxic Guilt & Shame?


Since our stories are so similar, I will relay some of the ending of my story, which I have not disclosed before.

On the last day of the relationship with my BPDex, before she falsely accused me of domestic violence, we were having a massive row.
She was upstairs - crying hysterically.
I went downstairs, to get outside to take a breath.
Often I would just leave if she wouldn't stop arguing or escalating - especially if she had been violently hitting her head off things, which she had begun to do with increasing frequency - particularly if I refused to be gaslit.

On this occasion, I opened the front door.
I didn't walk outside - I closed the front door and remained completely silent.

Like flicking a lightswitch - the crying stopped.

[Learn and live]

"
What do you mean by this statement? 'it isn't her fault'

Do you mean it's your fault?
Do you acknowledge that healthy people in loving relationships do not do this to each other? Triangulation, the crytpic jokes and comments, generating fear within you of being cheated on to control you?

Do you feel guilty or ashamed for becoming 'controlling and manipulative'? Emasculated?

I think you overestimate the level to which you may be codependent.

How would you feel - if you knew that much of her emotion you describe in the closing stages, was not genuine?
That much of it was done to manipulate and control you?
To generate more feeling of Toxic Guilt & Shame?


Since our stories are so similar, I will relay some of the ending of my story, which I have not disclosed before.

On the last day of the relationship with my BPDex, before she falsely accused me of domestic violence, we were having a massive row.
She was upstairs - crying hysterically.
I went downstairs, to get outside to take a breath.
Often I would just leave if she wouldn't stop arguing or escalating - especially if she had been violently hitting her head off things, which she had begun to do with increasing frequency - particularly if I refused to be gaslit.

On this occasion, I opened the front door.
I didn't walk outside - I closed the front door and remained completely silent.

Like flicking a lightswitch - the crying stopped
"

Wow, some really good stuff in here. I meant that it isn't her fault she has the BPD  and because I'm inclined to want to help her I feel compelled to stay but I recognize that it isn't right or healthy.  I do feel most of the shame and guilt yo speak of from time to time I'm going to read your first post.

[lovenature]

Welcome Ll

I know how hard it is to let go of how things were during idealization, trying so hard to make it work so you both can have some of the wonderful back. Truth is a serious mental illness was running it's course with a willing partner, the person you knew and is currently are one and the same.

Keep reading and learning, BPD is a very sad disorder.