Trouble letting go of the woman I knew before it went south

[Learn and live]

So I've been broken up with my udBPD ex for just over six months. I've been in therapy for 5 years with the same guy and we've come to the conclusion that I'm noticing most come to after they research the forums, read the books, and have the talks. And that is that I'm codependent.  I desire to help or help fix. I was with my ex for a year and 2 months. She gave me the adoration and validation and affection that are typical with the start of these types of relationships.  And slowly she started having emotional outbursts, panic attacks, distrusting me, rages, gas lighting (didn't see it clearly until in the aftermath), cryptic jokes or comments that set me on edge, twisting facts around or passively manipulating the outcome of events. She'd throw herself onto the ground and scream and cry in public, in front of my house, on the street, in a crowd of people... .we would have a misunderstanding where I told her I'd need space to cool off and she'd take it hard. She'd come out of the shower covered in self inflicted scrapes. She'd bang her head on cabinets. She'd make me feel crazy for being upset that she went out to smoke or grab coffee with men that she didn't know when I told her it made me feel uncomfortable. I started to watch myself become controlling  and manipulative, myself. It got to a point where she was holding on to so much of what I said or did in the past that she wasn't letting me live down, that we were having fights or panic episodes 3 or 4 days of the week. And the other days were fun or full of great sex but with the lingering promise of conflict if she felt unheard or misunderstood  or under valued. Eventually we fought so much that we were both pulling back so I asked for space. In the break my buddy told her I was planning to leave. So she and I met up and I took the blame for everything (therapist said it is the cleanest way to get them to leave you alone and not try to damage you after you leave them) it worked. We had a month no contact and then she sent me a letter. I responded like a drunk fool after a rough night at the bar. She didn't respond. So I left it alone and sulked and tried to heal for 4 months. Then on my birthday she dropped and unsigned birthday card in my mailbox and left. I didn't see it. I was out at the store. She lives 30 minutes and way from me. And she drove up in her car at a red light by total random happenstance  ( no way she could know where I was ). We saw each other and both froze. I got in the car and we talked about life. She offered me a turn to speak and asked me if I was finished and she then talked aboutnherself. It was nice because after the amount of time apart I could see her disorder and her lack of object identification  showed. She couldn't mirror me because she had forgotten my personality. We kissed. I imagine to try to connect. It felt weird. We went back to my place  and I grabbed some things for a meeting I had down town she waited for me and we looked at pictures of our relationship and laughed and cried. It was hard times.  We left my place after I made it clear that I didn't want to have sex. And we held hands in the car while she drove me to my meeting. I listened  as she told me about her terrible dating experiences and how she loved me and missed me. She made sure to say that one guy was pretty cool but he didn't work out. And she's realizing how much power she has over men... .it was like watching anakin  turn into Vader right in front of me. I got turned off. She parked the car and we talked for a few moments about how she doesn't want me to forget about her and gall.in love with someone else and not want her later... .I told her that that is what people do and it will likely happen to both of us. She started splitting and I fell for it briefly.  She started crying and said that she doesn't do that anymore, cry... .earlier I had told her that I'm and ware she feels empty a lot and that the reason we fought so much was because she didn't trust me and I was triggering her and THAT was triggering me... .it was a cycle. She denied it earlier. Didn't believe me or want to. No interest in acknowledgment.  I didn't feel the need to point it out again. I got out of the car after a hear felt goodbye. I had told her to text me and give me her show dates to go watch her perform and she did 4 days later. I didn't respond. I waited a week because I knew I shouldnt go. I wrote her a letter detailing how much I love her but that it isn't healthy to spend time together.  That our dynamic was codependent and toxic. I brought up the good times and the bad and told her everything I needed to. I also told her that I can't go to her show after careful consideration, that it would mess me up. I said she could look me up down the road but that we should start living our lives and let go. That our chemistry had dissipated because of time spent apart and that it was a sign to continue. I told her she could contact me if her parents passed and that I'd sit with her, always. I'm moving to California from chicago so I'll be far from her.  I haven't heard back and I don't suppose I will until she's cycled again with someone else. I miss her terribly but I think I'm making the right call. I've been an emotional wreck. Drinking, sex, can't stop thinking about her, nightmares, insomnia, reading book after book. Therapy 4 hours a week. I'm working on building a better me but this is hands down one of the hardest endeavors I've undertaken. Anyone else out there in my boat ? I still love her but I know she's only here for herself. I also understand that it's because she's terrified and alone and really deeply hurt perpetually.  It's hard to separate with anger because it isn't her fault. But I know I need to separate somehow... .suggestions, stories, comments

[Soulcrushed4]

My counsellor advised me that perhaps I was clinging to the person I thought I knew or that he presented himself to be. Could this be true for you?

I look back and realize the most chaos came when my ex was running from random to random and it dawned on me that with me he was mirroring me - perhaps he didn't really want that so off he'd go and mirror someone the opposite of me.

My values were honesty and family and integrity. It didn't quite fit.
The next pawn was drugs and illicit behaviour.
If someone was career minded or into a certain group or of a certain religious affiliation or or a complete slacker ... .my ex would completely don a like persona.

I think I really was missing me since the him I liked was the one that closely resembled me and I couldn't reconcile that him with what seemed like almost someone with multiple personalities.

And the further things became completely disfunctional and the less stable I became as a result the less stable an image he had to mirror.

[Learn and live]

My counsellor advised me that perhaps I was clinging to the person I thought I knew or that he presented himself to be. Could this be true for you?

I look back and realize the most chaos came when my ex was running from random to random and it dawned on me that with me he was mirroring me - perhaps he didn't really want that so off he'd go and mirror someone the opposite of me.

My values were honesty and family and integrity. It didn't quite fit.
The next pawn was drugs and illicit behaviour.
If someone was career minded or into a certain group or of a certain religious affiliation or or a complete slacker ... .my ex would completely don a like persona.

I think I really was missing me since the him I liked was the one that closely resembled me and I couldn't reconcile that him with what seemed like almost someone with multiple personalities.

And the further things became completely disfunctional and the less stable I became as a result the less stable an image he had to mirror.

That was one of the most poignant and resonant  understandings I've been gifted. Thank you.

[statsattack]

I am in the same boat

[lovenature]

Hi Ll

She is one and the same; BPD is a serious mental illness that runs it's course with a willing partner. Idealization is wonderful until you get too close and devaluation begins, realizing a serious mental illness was running it's course will help you detach.
Keep reading and learning, it gets better over time.