First time ever with a female with BPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey guys.

I'm pretty new to this site but I've seen this site on many searches.

My situation was extremely heartbreaking and hard to get over even though it ended so shortly (4 months)

So I started talking to a woman online (I'm a lesbian by the way) around and she , at first didnt come on too strong. Eventually it blossomed into us speaking almost every single day and she hadon't started to come on strong. Started asking me base questions and was sexually upfront from the get go, and this was before we even met. So as the bonding went along, she wanted to go on a date. I agreed and we set the date in October she surprised me with my favorite item at the time . We went out to eat and the first date went really well (she initiated the first move) however she stated she didn't want the night to end, so we did movies. After the movies, she told me she felt bad because it was raining and told me to just come back to her place (mind you on text she stated that after a few dates I would then come to her place). I spent the night and I did not have sex with her (because I'm just not that kind of person) but she would say things after the fact through text that she so wanted me when I stayed over. I'm a busy person so as we progressed she would lay on the romance really thick. I decided to make time for her once a week despite work schedules (at the time she was working as well but I found it wierd she was constantly replacing days so she can be with me)

During the week she invited me out to a restaurant with her family  (in which they were family of her close friend at the time)
By the second date on the train, she mentioned to me early on that when she's stressed out, she self harms. Now me, I'm thinking "hey well everyone goes through their own stuff" and I took it with a grain of salt. When we got to the place, the place wasn't really much of a restaurant,  it was more of a bar. When her friends family came she wanted me to do my own thing. When I started to actually do my own thing, she later on that night called her friend a "proud hoe" and she's not going to do that with me. I'm not thinking anything of us sitting next to each other and her friends leg touching mine. The girl did not make a pass or get touchy with me. However she felt that way.

As time progressed , she told me that it already feels like we were together and by this time I'm spending the night as her house every weekend to no avail. But this time there were things I turned a cheek to that I shouldn't. So I'm listing it as this otherwise I would've written a novel on the abuse ive endured.

-she changed her hair color quite frequently
-she got upset at me whenever I had my own moods that had nothing to do with her, and would treat me cold
-didnt want me on my phone speaking to friends past 10 pm , and even if it was before she woull distract me and turn the screen off.
-said our business is our business
-she moved her apartment around frequently, and when I mean frequently it was once a week. Felt like I was in a new apartment, every single time
-didnt like when I stared at her for long periods of time
- had ocd and she had neat freak moments
- slept very frequently, she worked 4 days a week and always slept.
- always made plans with me to do something and never followed through because of the sleeping.
-eventually started wanting me to call out of work for her.
- the sex was absolutely amazing when I did open up.
-told me she loved me and later on that she wanted to marry me, I'm the last person shes going to be with etc
- said all her exes had abandoned her and she's been in 6 long term relationships (which eventually I found that to be a lie, she was with about 13 people in a 1 yr span , no lasting no longer than a month)
- felt really happy about and loved a new hairstyle then later on got angry with me about something small , hung up the phone , then called me hysterical , said she hated it and when I tried to console her... she hung up on me. Next morning acted like it never happened and didn't apologize for the outburst.
-she she got bored easily
-also changed her nail colors alot
- stated that she was written off as crazy and that she "thinks" she has bipolar disorder
- had a thing for watching kid movies. She preferred them.
-told me not to spend much on Christmas,  she buys me an expensive camera and gives it to me early. got furious because i broke her phone rule , called me a 2yr old .Gives me the silent treatment because my gifts didnt amount to hers in money value then kicked me out Christmas day.
- always thought I was sleeping with everyone, openly told me she stalks my social media accounts.
-walking on eggshells with what I said with her, always twisted my words and got really angry and made her own assumptions.
-if I went to bed and brought my phone with me, accused me of speaking to other women (and I would just bring my phone to put it on the charger and actually sleep )
- wanted to work on things and barely followed through. I started actually arguing with her then, and she would dismiss me and I wouldn't hear from her . I stopped getting morning texts and I had to fight with her to get any normal attention.
-she left me said we could no longer be friends nor would she associate herself with my family (she met my family as well)put up a fight with me to get my things, when I went to pick up my things, she already had her next victim in the house
-later found out she had a 3rd person and the 3rd person was completely oblivious she had a new partner (I gave her the low down and saved her from that situation by the way, we went to h.s together)
- the new victim defended her, knows nothing of what she did to me, painted me as the crazy ex
-did very impulsive things, said when we were on bad terms she felt lost and went and got a tattoo
- always assumed she knew what I was feeling
- had mornings where she would not want me to touch her at all then would act like nothing happened and would want to be in my face asking me whats wrong with me.
-only saw her mother, in which her mother treated her like she was irresponsible, very nice woman however.
-never met her dad , we passed by her sister in the street and she didn't even acknowledge her, after we passed her she mentioned that it was her sister.
-Held a grudge because her friend made a insecure comment about her getting whoever she wants. My ex said that she was "petty"
- always ate junk food, barely cooked.
-said she was raped twice by a sibling and a friend of a friend
-claimed to be a gypsy at one point
- went from normal sexual , to wanting to be a "sub" thay if I can't be a dom, she can get it from somewhere else. She never acted like this during the whole few months of me knowing her.

When she left, I was so confused heartbroken and lost. I'm still trying to make sense of it all and I'm wondering if maybe she will act different with the rebound person? Will she continue this pattern? Some days I wake up hurt, some days I wake up disgusted. I'm ready to heal and move on from this.

[Tarzan314]

Hey guys.

I'm pretty new to this site but I've seen this site on many searches.

My situation was extremely heartbreaking and hard to get over even though it ended so shortly (4 months)

So I started talking to a woman online (I'm a lesbian by the way) around and she , at first didnt come on too strong. Eventually it blossomed into us speaking almost every single day and she hadon't started to come on strong. Started asking me base questions and was sexually upfront from the get go, and this was before we even met. So as the bonding went along, she wanted to go on a date. I agreed and we set the date in October she surprised me with my favorite item at the time . We went out to eat and the first date went really well (she initiated the first move) however she stated she didn't want the night to end, so we did movies. After the movies, she told me she felt bad because it was raining and told me to just come back to her place (mind you on text she stated that after a few dates I would then come to her place). I spent the night and I did not have sex with her (because I'm just not that kind of person) but she would say things after the fact through text that she so wanted me when I stayed over. I'm a busy person so as we progressed she would lay on the romance really thick. I decided to make time for her once a week despite work schedules (at the time she was working as well but I found it wierd she was constantly replacing days so she can be with me)

During the week she invited me out to a restaurant with her family  (in which they were family of her close friend at the time)
By the second date on the train, she mentioned to me early on that when she's stressed out, she self harms. Now me, I'm thinking "hey well everyone goes through their own stuff" and I took it with a grain of salt. When we got to the place, the place wasn't really much of a restaurant,  it was more of a bar. When her friends family came she wanted me to do my own thing. When I started to actually do my own thing, she later on that night called her friend a "proud hoe" and she's not going to do that with me. I'm not thinking anything of us sitting next to each other and her friends leg touching mine. The girl did not make a pass or get touchy with me. However she felt that way.

As time progressed , she told me that it already feels like we were together and by this time I'm spending the night as her house every weekend to no avail. But this time there were things I turned a cheek to that I shouldn't. So I'm listing it as this otherwise I would've written a novel on the abuse ive endured.

-she changed her hair color quite frequently
-she got upset at me whenever I had my own moods that had nothing to do with her, and would treat me cold
-didnt want me on my phone speaking to friends past 10 pm , and even if it was before she woull distract me and turn the screen off.
-said our business is our business
-she moved her apartment around frequently, and when I mean frequently it was once a week. Felt like I was in a new apartment, every single time
-didnt like when I stared at her for long periods of time
- had ocd and she had neat freak moments
- slept very frequently, she worked 4 days a week and always slept.
- always made plans with me to do something and never followed through because of the sleeping.
-eventually started wanting me to call out of work for her.
- the sex was absolutely amazing when I did open up.
-told me she loved me and later on that she wanted to marry me, I'm the last person shes going to be with etc
- said all her exes had abandoned her and she's been in 6 long term relationships (which eventually I found that to be a lie, she was with about 13 people in a 1 yr span , no lasting no longer than a month)
- felt really happy about and loved a new hairstyle then later on got angry with me about something small , hung up the phone , then called me hysterical , said she hated it and when I tried to console her... she hung up on me. Next morning acted like it never happened and didn't apologize for the outburst.
-she she got bored easily
-also changed her nail colors alot
- stated that she was written off as crazy and that she "thinks" she has bipolar disorder
- had a thing for watching kid movies. She preferred them.
-told me not to spend much on Christmas,  she buys me an expensive camera and gives it to me early. got furious because i broke her phone rule , called me a 2yr old .Gives me the silent treatment because my gifts didnt amount to hers in money value then kicked me out Christmas day.
- always thought I was sleeping with everyone, openly told me she stalks my social media accounts.
-walking on eggshells with what I said with her, always twisted my words and got really angry and made her own assumptions.
-if I went to bed and brought my phone with me, accused me of speaking to other women (and I would just bring my phone to put it on the charger and actually sleep )
- wanted to work on things and barely followed through. I started actually arguing with her then, and she would dismiss me and I wouldn't hear from her . I stopped getting morning texts and I had to fight with her to get any normal attention.
-she left me said we could no longer be friends nor would she associate herself with my family (she met my family as well)put up a fight with me to get my things, when I went to pick up my things, she already had her next victim in the house
-later found out she had a 3rd person and the 3rd person was completely oblivious she had a new partner (I gave her the low down and saved her from that situation by the way, we went to h.s together)
- the new victim defended her, knows nothing of what she did to me, painted me as the crazy ex
-did very impulsive things, said when we were on bad terms she felt lost and went and got a tattoo
- always assumed she knew what I was feeling
- had mornings where she would not want me to touch her at all then would act like nothing happened and would want to be in my face asking me whats wrong with me.
-only saw her mother, in which her mother treated her like she was irresponsible, very nice woman however.
-never met her dad , we passed by her sister in the street and she didn't even acknowledge her, after we passed her she mentioned that it was her sister.
-Held a grudge because her friend made a insecure comment about her getting whoever she wants. My ex said that she was "petty"
- always ate junk food, barely cooked.
-said she was raped twice by a sibling and a friend of a friend
-claimed to be a gypsy at one point
- went from normal sexual , to wanting to be a "sub" thay if I can't be a dom, she can get it from somewhere else. She never acted like this during the whole few months of me knowing her.

When she left, I was so confused heartbroken and lost. I'm still trying to make sense of it all and I'm wondering if maybe she will act different with the rebound person? Will she continue this pattern? Some days I wake up hurt, some days I wake up disgusted. I'm ready to heal and move on from this.

[ynwa]

Hey Tarzan,

Welcome to the board, I'm sorry you found us under such circumstances. I wanted  to say thank you for sharing and being so honest. You will find you are among people with stories similar to yours.  You have been through a lot and it's going to take time and some patience with yourself to work through this.  People here and the resources in the board can help.   

I'm going to point you you to a link on some info, let me know what you think ok?

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Tarzan314: 
I'd like to join Ynwa in welcoming you!

I'm so sorry about your heartbreak. Intense relationships can seem longer than they are. That's quite a long list of odd behaviors. It can be like a puzzle to figure out BPD behavior.

When she left, I was so confused, heartbroken and lost. I'm still trying to make sense of it all and I'm wondering if maybe she will act different with the rebound person? Will she continue this pattern? Some days I wake up hurt, some days I wake up disgusted. I'm ready to heal and move on from this.

She may act differently to some extent with another partner. The timing and mix of some of her behaviors might differ a bit. Unless she gets some therapy, and perhaps some meds., any partner will be walking on egg shells around her. Using certain communication skills can help a partner manage problems better, but not eliminate them. It could be an advantage to have gotten out sooner versus later.

Although your ex may have been attractive and the relationship exciting, down the road you will likely find that you will appreciate a partner that is a little more boring, but be able to support you during both the good and bad times.

Do you have friends or family to support you while you work through this? Do you have some healthy things to do to reduce your stress?


 

[Keef]

Hello Tarzan314! Let me also join in and say:


Thank you for sharing your story, it sounds very rough and confusing and I'm sorry to hear you've been through this. You've come to the right place - many here can relate! It's not always easy to share heavy things like this, I do hope you got some weight off your chest by having done just that . Reading your post felt eerie, the similarities between your ex and mine are so many. I think by reading of others experiences we feel less lonely - so read on, and feel free to keep posting  

I'm ready to heal and move on from this.

Have you got understanding people close to you that you can talk to about these things? Know that posting here can help you a lot in the healing process.

I'm wondering if maybe she will act different with the rebound person? Will she continue this pattern?

She may continue her pattern, you should in any case be aware that her behaviour wasn't all about you, i mean it wasn't personal. She seems to have some problematic history so it's possible she'll continue down that road unless she starts taking responsibility for her behaviour through therapy and possibly medication. I agree with Naughty Nibbler, you may find yourself lucky in the end to have been set free. These kinds of relationship are often all-consuming and we don't want to end up feeling emptied and broken after being with someone.

Have you read this?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Let us know how it goes. Take care.
/Keef

[Tarzan314]

Hi Tarzan314: 
I'd like to join Ynwa in welcoming you!

I'm so sorry about your heartbreak. Intense relationships can seem longer than they are. That's quite a long list of odd behaviors. It can be like a puzzle to figure out BPD behavior.
She may act differently to some extent with another partner. The timing and mix of some of her behaviors might differ a bit. Unless she gets some therapy, and perhaps some meds., any partner will be walking on egg shells around her. Using certain communication skills can help a partner manage problems better, but not eliminate them. It could be an advantage to have gotten out sooner versus later.

Although your ex may have been attractive and the relationship exciting, down the road you will likely find that you will appreciate a partner that is a little more boring, but be able to support you during both the good and bad times.

Do you have friends or family to support you while you work through this? Do you have some healthy things to do to reduce your stress?


 

I actually do at the moment, but some understand it to a point. Luckily for me , one of my close friends majors in psychology and told me to leave when the first thing happened, sometimes you get blinded. Venting here and having others relate is definitely therapy to me. Before my BPD ex i was an avid gym goer.

The new victim I guess was a bit easier for her to continue those type of behaviors. I started picking up on her behaviors and she had no choice but to abandon me first.

[Tarzan314]

Hello Tarzan314! Let me also join in and say:


Thank you for sharing your story, it sounds very rough and confusing and I'm sorry to hear you've been through this. You've come to the right place - many here can relate! It's not always easy to share heavy things like this, I do hope you got some weight off your chest by having done just that . Reading your post felt eerie, the similarities between your ex and mine are so many. I think by reading of others experiences we feel less lonely - so read on, and feel free to keep posting  
Have you got understanding people close to you that you can talk to about these things? Know that posting here can help you a lot in the healing process.
She may continue her pattern, you should in any case be aware that her behaviour wasn't all about you, i mean it wasn't personal. She seems to have some problematic history so it's possible she'll continue down that road unless she starts taking responsibility for her behaviour through therapy and possibly medication. I agree with Naughty Nibbler, you may find yourself lucky in the end to have been set free. These kinds of relationship are often all-consuming and we don't want to end up feeling emptied and broken after being with someone.

Have you read this?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Let us know how it goes. Take care.
/Keef

I agree. I've always come to this site to read stories and even though some differed, it was a chain of the same traits. Some days I beat myself up thinking it was all me... .but the more I read on this site, it has alot to do with them, and that I should take this experience and learn from it. She promised me way too much, way too often, and if it's too good to be true, most likely is.

She stated also that she didn't like medication, so I should've also taken that as a sign to run for the hills but getting invested emotionally was my downfall. In the end I'm really happy I don't live my days feeling like it was my fault anymore.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Tarzan:   

one of my close friends majors in psychology and told me to leave when the first thing happened, sometimes you get blinded. Venting here and having others relate is definitely therapy to me. Before my BPD ex i was an avid gym goer.

The new victim I guess was a bit easier for her to continue those type of behaviors. I started picking up on her behaviors and she had no choice but to abandon me first.   

The early months of a relationship are a discovery period.  Sounds like you stayed true to who you are and made a wise decision to not pursue the relationship further.

Easing back into going to the gym could be good for you.  If not the gym, seek an opportunity for some new athletic pursuit.  Maybe even some hiking or walking.  Some communities have meet up groups, where you can just join others in various activities. (not necessarily a hook-up situation, but an opportunity to meet new people and share activities).

Some days I beat myself up thinking it was all me... .but the more I read on this site, it has alot to do with them, and that I should take this experience and learn from it. She promised me way too much, way too often, and if it's too good to be true, most likely is.

Good insight!  What seems to good to be true, generally is.  Keep participating here, it's good therapy. 

[lovenature]

When she left, I was so confused heartbroken and lost. I'm still trying to make sense of it all and I'm wondering if maybe she will act different with the rebound person? Will she continue this pattern? Some days I wake up hurt, some days I wake up disgusted. I'm ready to heal and move on from this.

The cycle always repeats; idealization (get too close), devaluation (fear of abandonment too great), discard/forced breakup.
Wake up and feel your feelings, keep reading and learning. One day at a time!
It was also the first time for me with a female with BPD. It is a serious mental illness and it takes what it takes to recover from.