Did i maker her worse

[aman]

We met online in May and it was very intense to begin with. she was older than me and married for 15 years before initiating a divorce from her older husband.

Met her son and family members within 3 weeks. She met my family the weekend after. Bonded with her so like you would not believe, i think her coldness caused him to latch onto me.

Her ex husband was nothing like me. With all respect to him, I am university educated, friends all over the country who i visit regularly and have no trouble meeting women. in fact, i have been single more or less my whole life (im 33) and have only had 3 relationships lasting longer than 4 months before her. i was very honest with her and told her all this.

i felt such a connection with her that i wanted knew i wanted to be with her. hindsight is a wonderful thing and it was clearly her love bombing me. mirroring my fantasies and becoming my perfect partner.

she insisted on showing me photos of 2 other lads she has dated since she has left her ex 2 years ago ... .both looked like he had never used a comb or looked in a mirror.

my friends where surprised that we dated and i wanted a relationship with her. They thought we made a cute couple but when we attended an event together, they commented that she would give other women (my old platonic friends from university) death stairs.

she would confess that she had never met friends like mine who were so friendly and good fun. before, i believe she had never experienced anything like the social interaction and deep loving friendships she witnessed with my friends and myself. she insisted she had fantastic friendships with people from work but in the whole time i knew her. she did not see any of them outside of work or communicate via social media etc.

 By her own admission, her family lie a lot to get what they want and are very distrustful of outsiders. that is a whole other thread!

after 3 months, she started getting paranoid i was cheating on her. I offered to show her my phone to calm her down but in fairness to her she said she shouldn't have to.

she was self conscious about her body. She lost a lot of weight just before meeting me and would comment what would happen if she put it back on. I looked on her FB when she unblocked me the other week and and in the 3 weeks i have not seen her she has put on alot of weight. we spoke online for a month before we met (work schedules etc) i am thinking now did she go on a crash diet before she met me?

her rages knew no bounds. I am currently not in full time employment and doing temp work. I would spend all my time applying for jobs, or seeing her. She would rage over my lack of employment and say i could not take care of her.

we broke up and got back together several times. each time she would idolise me then the rage would come back. she would make up accusations about me and insist i am a liar and using her. i done the foolish thing of defending myself when i should have just walked away.

we broke up 4 weeks ago now. she insisted she wanted to see other men and shes not happy. she left it saying she loves me and wants to have my children me with me but she knows it can never work out. then blocks me on everything.

2 weeks ago she emails me telling me she is dating other men and insists on sending me screen shots of their dating profile photos. She also says she misses me. the men she is now dating according to her and 10 years older than her and over weight. I think she is now looking for a man with money.

I know there is nothing i can do an i need to move on. I have accepted that this woman is beyond help no matter what i do. I know she will reach out again. i kind of hope i helped filled the void in her life even temporarily.



1) could i have made her symptoms worse by being more attractive than her previous partners and having a more active social life etc? would it make her think she was unworthy and eventually loose me?

2) if she reaches out to me again, i would like to tell her i understand her and forgive her and that i wish her all the best. is that a good idea or is NC the best option?

 I am indifferent now. i have to be for my own sake. I have started dating again and feel good about myself. I realise now that i dont deserve that abuse and am moving forward in my life with her not in my future.

I hope i haven't come across arrogant in this post but after talking to family and friends after the break up i can kinda see where they are coming from. coming out of the fog has helped me see what has really happened over the past few months.

Aman

[ynwa]

Hello Aman, first let me thank you for sharing your story.  Your relationship sounds like many on the board and seems like you have a handle on her behaviors as they relate to the traits of BPD.

You ask some interesting questions as well.

1) could i have made her symptoms worse by being more attractive than her previous partners and having a more active social life etc? would it make her think she was unworthy and eventually loose me?

Being close and more intimate with someone brings a BPD persons traits into the forefront. The closer they are, the more emotions they have they can't deal with. This imbalance forces the more irrational behaviors and actions out, that are normally internal.  They more simply become overwhelmed. So, you did. It make them worse, you got to see the stages of a BPD relationship evolve.  I'll put a link about that at the end of the post.

2) if she reaches out to me again, i would like to tell her i understand her and forgive her and that i wish her all the best. is that a good idea or is NC the best option?

Either option is what will work for you.  If you can honestly and truthfully mean the things you say.  If you still harbor negative feelings, or feel it's too much, No or Limited Contact works best for YOU.

I am indifferent now. i have to be for my own sake. I have started dating again and feel good about myself. I realise now that i dont deserve that abuse and am moving forward in my life with her not in my future.

THIS is a positive. You did not cause her issues, or cause the behavior to continue afterwards. Detaching and stepping away is from what you say, the best path.  The relationship ended.  And you seem to be moving forward, in an honest and positive way.

I'm not sure if you have read this, but does it make sense?
https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm

Ynwa

[aman]

Thanks YNWA,

I frequently told her in the last couple of months of our relationship that i am peace with the fact that she hated me and accused me of terrible untrue things because i knew it wasnt true. if she chose to break up with me for those reasons then so be it but she would be leaving me for something that was untrue and a product of her imagination.

the last message i got from her, she said she thought i used her and was also cheating on her. this is despite her telling me she was looking elsewhere etc. the utter hypocrisy and lack of seeing it from another point of view is terrifying. as i said before in my last letter i wrote her which should have arrived friday, i said i never cheated on her or used her and i am cool if she doesnt beleive it because i know it is true. i also said she is getting her feelings mixed with facts. i ended saying i am dating other women and to contact me if she wanted to talk as i hate how this has ended. do you this i have simply fed her ego?

i know she knows she has a PD. I got drunk and told her. no comeback, utter silence. she also told me her family think she is crazy. so many red flags i simply ignored!

we are both similar in many ways and different in so many others. i am still in shock that she would throw away something so wonderful and with so much potential. then i read these boards and read about the devaluation and idolisation. it is scary how familiar some of the stories on here are to my own. i often wonder about confirmation bias but i really dont think that is the case.

It sounds horrible and big headed to say but i genuinely believe she will never have a loving relationship like ours again. there were some truly breathtakingly romantic and loving moments shared between us during the hottest summer ever recorded in the uk. from talking to her about her past marriage and dating history, it was clear that we had done more things as a couple that she had experienced before. weekends away. meetings friends and family etc.

her child bonded with me so much he would cry when i left. they would stay at my families home and he bonded with my parents too.

going by her past history, she will settle for someone who she can manipulate and control. i was that lad for a short while but i saw past her behaviour and started to set boundaries. I thought if i was patient long enough she would see that i was a good man and wanted to be with her for the right reasons. i must be careful not be let this experience change the way i treat women. i have always been kind, patient and respectful and i refuse to let her cause me to distrust all women.

if she was to get into a relationship with a successful guy. i dont think she could handle the jealousy of her partner being desired by other women or not giving her his undivided attention. she is very sensitive to money issues one day she would be happy if you bought her something, the next she would think you are trying to woo her. she has always dated men who earn less than her.

I can see know that her own insecurities and jealousy sabotaged our relationship and how it was not my fault. no matter how much blame she tries to put on me. i can happily say all i did was love her and want to look after her.

i am finding this so therapeutic writing this and it is helping me not want to reach out to her or hope for a recycle. listing all her bad points is light lifting a weight of my shoulders.

i must admit, i am still caught between my head and my heart.

i want her to contact me, we meet up, talk, i make her laugh and we remember the good times we shared together. i wish she would see how much we clicked and how we could have had a brilliant lift together.

i also know that it cant happen. i know she will reach out to me. she told me she wanted to be single and find me in a couple of years when i had sorted my finances out. if you really love someone you dont take that risk.

i have to accept that i fell in love with a ghost.

which is also what she claimed she done when she fell in love with me, some might call that projection?

[apollotech]

Aman,

I do not believe that it is a matter of making them worse; instead, it is a matter of becoming a trigger. Once the intimate emotional attachment is formed, we, the Nons, trigger the nasty side of BPD, Engulfment (that's the push engine). But, here's the quagmire: how do you enter a romantic/loving relationship with someone without establishing emotional intimacy? In my thinking, that's a major and very important part of a relationship. As a result of this becoming a trigger, both the Non and the pwBPD are placed in an untenable situation by the BPD disorder (Keep in mind that BPD is a developmental attatchment disorder.). You've experienced the firsthand results of that. So no, I don't believe that you made her worse; I do believe that you got emotionally close enough to her to see/experience the full spectrum of her BPD.

You didn't fall in love with a ghost; you fell in love with someone suffering from a mental disorder. Understanding her and accepting her as she is will help you along your way.

[aman]

thanks appolotech,

what i meant by making her worse was did she act the same was with her husband of 15 years or the other lad she was fwb's with for 8 months? both are very unlike me from what i have seen an heard.

my heart skips a beat every time i receive and email now ... .

[apollotech]

thanks appolotech,

what i meant by making her worse was did she act the same was with her husband of 15 years or the other lad she was fwb's with for 8 months? both are very unlike me from what i have seen an heard.

my heart skips a beat every time i receive and email now ... .

aman,

I cannot say how she acted with the others, but if her behavior is indeed BPD driven, and the others formed an intimate emotional attachment with her, they too became triggers, and experienced the same things that you did. It may have varied by degree, somewhat dependent upon each particular Non, but the BPD is still there. And it is not just romantic interests, it is anyone that she forms an emotional attachment with---parents, siblings, friends, etc. Read some of the stories on the other boards here; I think that you'll find that BPD destruction is far reaching.

[FSTL]

I met with a friend of my uBPDx the other day (we work together) and she made the comment (without me having ever discussed my X in any detail) that my X always pushes away people who love her, and how she was always testing her, which she found very draining.

I almost cried, because I didn't realise she was like this with others, and my experience with her friend is that she is an incredibly decent person who I know thinks very highly of my uBPDx.

So, based on my experience, I doubt the original poster made his BPD worse. They always had BPD.

I also tried the openness, forgiveness route... .and all it did was give her the upper hand and a sense of control and disrespect and she completely abused it as it seemed to make her feel good about herself and disrespect me. I now doubt there is any winning position... .ask them to take responsibility and they put up defences, if your apologise or forgive (ie you take responsibility) and they abuse it.

I have been on and off for 2 years, so haven't lived by my advice, but from a detached perspective, the best thing to do is let them go and look after yourself.

[aman]

I had a real bad time today.

woke at 4:30 which was when she used to wake up every morning and fall back to sleep. I was thinking of her and the first thing i did was check my phone in the hope she had messaged me.

i am starting to think i could have done something different to make our relationship work.

I wanna contact her and try and meet up with her. i want another chance to try and make it right.

even in the 4 weeks we have been apart i have changed. i have lost weight and gotten a lot fitter (she would claim she could run miles but always panicked when i suggested we work out together) i have had a massive clear out of my wardrobe and bought new clothes, i have been offered 3 jobs which i have turned down as they were not right for me (not bad for an "unemployable loser" and have 3 more interviews this and next week. i have caught up with old friends and am joining the county canoe club when i get paid next. i am looking forward in my life.

however ... .

i want her to see all the positive things i am doing in my life.

i want her to see how i am doing and feel like she is missing out.

i want her to second guess her decision.

i am back to my old confident self, i am feeling good about myself and the world around me ... .i want her to see this ... i want her to see that she hasnt destroyed me and i still care for her and love her.

what do you reckon would happen if she did see me? a changed man for the better and knows where hes going in life?

would she batter an eyelid? or claim if was all to do with her guidance?

she lives an hour away from me so i doubt this will ever happen but she did tell me she has been searching for guys who live near me. this sort of fills me with dread that i will see her with another man. but also fills me with sadness that she feels she has to resort to this kind of behaviour.

[aman]

i've just found her profile on pof ... .exactly a week to the day she superliked me on tinder ... .

i messaged her just now (the same message i sent her when i first messaged her on there) and she has replied saying i need to stop contacting her and its getting pathetic ... .

i am in tears ... .

[aman]

i love this woman so much and i realise now i have been repressing what has happened for the past few weeks ... .i genuinley thought i could love the worries out of her ... .

the thought of it not all being real is too much to bear ... .she wanted children with me a month ago ... .now she wants nothing to do with me and thinks im pathetic ...

[Ragnar1982]

Hey aman, I've been there in the past with my ex, too. It's tough, but you'll persevere. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have wallowed in it for so long. As far as the kids, future thing... .I found it helpful to read articles about future faking. Just google it.

Hopefully you don't get involved again. I did many times until just recently. It finally hit me that I have to walk away, and I'm doing so with a renewed confidence and feeling of self worth. You'll get there, too. Sometimes there are no answers, and that's ok!

[Duped 1]

i love this woman so much and i realise now i have been repressing what has happened for the past few weeks ... .i genuinley thought i could love the worries out of her ... .

the thought of it not all being real is too much to bear ... .she wanted children with me a month ago ... .now she wants nothing to do with me and thinks im pathetic ...

I am so sorry! Mine talked of marriage one week and how we would be together forever. Less than a week later we were done forever and she already had a replacement. I lashed out and she turned her kids against me. The lack of empathy and humanity is incomprehensible and beyond disturbing. She's barely human.

[aman]

woke up this morning and i had left her profile open on my phone before i slept. she had rewritten it after i went to bed ... .

she is now looking for a relationship ... .and in fairness to her she says she is bossy and finds it hard to trust people ... .

she prefers the company of close friends (not being harsh but she had none) or family ... .i think its because she cannot stand being around strangers ... .when i brought her to my friends wedding ... .she was visible shaking at breakfast with everyone the next morning ... .

i hope im not sounding bitter when in these posts ... .i felt alot better today ... .worked like stink and hit the gym hard ... .loads of endorphins ... .

next weekend i am spending a friday evening and saturday morning with a stunnning woman who lives an hour away ... .i am really looking forward to moving on ... .

i know my ex thinks she can do better than me (she said it) ... from what shes shown me and her past history ... .she wont ... .i on the other hand am dating someone who appears sane, have friends and family who love and support me (she was not invited to a family wedding we attneded the evening reception, when she saw the photos the next day ... .her WHOLE family where there, she was not invited)

thanks for your support guys ... i need to accept i'll have good and bad days ... .

sometimes i feel a calm come over me and i think to myself "theres no way she can forget me and move onto someone else, nobdy else will love her like me" but i also feel as if she wont care if they love her or not ... .

in answer to my question earlier ... .what would happen if she sees that i've moved on and all the issues that annoyed her and caused the break up (no full time job, no path in life) have gone?

i dont want her back, i just want her to realise that if she waited a while, she would have had the guy she wanted.

or would she have found another reason?
aman