Will things ever improve?

[Old Surfer]

Greetings community.   Have been married to a borderline for almost 26 years.  Amazingly I only found out about BPD 12 months ago from a family counselor who had diagnosed her with it years before.  Some days I am with the sweetest, most loving and affirming person on earth.  Other days I fear for my life (not literally).

My borderline does not accept that she has BPD and refuses help.  She has taken to drinking daily for the last year and a half and will not stop.

I love her and am holding out hope for change.   My friends and family think I should have jumped ship by now. I am looking forward to connecting with others who share my plight.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[VandMe]

I feel your pain 100% although my husband and I dated and split up before getting back together and getting married and I knew from the old days that he was undiagnosed BPD. He too refuses treatment and has been drinking for 2-3 days and is a total nightmare right now. I'm currently locked in the bedroom just crying. Not my ideal Sunday when the day started off looking like it was going to be a nice time together. Then suddenly he's breaking glasses and flipping tables and promising divorce. I played right into it. I try, I try so hard to keep that gray wall but it's SO HARD to do! What happens when I can't just let my feelings be stomped on and sit there like everything is fine? And is that really a realistic expectation of another living, feeling human being? To just put our own hurt aside and focus on validating this out of control person and respecting their feelings while they rage on us? How is that the answer? I'm not strong enough to be completely selfless and let it be all about them, all the time. And I think that's normal, to want someone to care for you instead of always being this calm, reflective, carefully thought out caretaker. Especially when they get to just act completely irresponsibly and blow off everything and leave you there to pick up the pieces. All. The. Time. I know he's going through a terrible time right now as we're approaching the one year anniversary of his mother's unexpected death. And I feel for him tremendously for that loss.  But as the rages and out of control behavior and the exertion of power and isolation continue, my heart is breaking as I realize that maybe I just can't do this. Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought.  And that is what's tearing me apart right now. That and the feeling of hopelessness, that this will never get any better. Once one fire is extinguished another ignites. And I'm sorry for going on here but I have no outlet. I feel so alone and I literally have no one to talk to about this. So, while I may not be exactly helpful, I hope you at least realize you're not the only one going through it.

[Swhitey]

Hi Old Surfer,

Married to someone for 26 years is amazing, being married to someone who suffers from borderline structures and behaviors is even more so. I really connect with how you say "Some days I am with the sweetest, most loving and affirming person on earth.  Other days I fear for my life (not literally)." This has been my experience as well and I find it so very confusing most of the time. When I found this forum I was relieved to see that I was not alone in my experience of loving a pwBPD, diagnosed or not. I found a lot of helpful answers here, but even more questions, albiet they are questions I needed to ask myself along the way with this newfound understanding. I too have been called crazy for staying with my partner, and told I should have jumped ship long ago. I think you will find may others here who can share in your plight.