Being replaced by someone who can't give him a better outcome?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

His sister has told me this relationship won't last either just like none of the others did.  Sometimes I wonder if I was someone else's replacement and didn't know it. 

To anyone following my story here, so several of you have mentioned "fear of engulfment" as the reason why I was discarded so easily just when he was pushing me to move in with him and for a bigger commitment.  He wanted me to switch to 1st shift so we had similar schedules too and I would already be home and there when he got home work himself.  He just wanted and needed me to be with him constantly.

Is the fear of engulfment the reason why he turned to a replacement that isn't as available to him as I was?  Did he purposely seek someone he knows is really not very available to him?   Does he even know what he's doing at this point? 

By all appearances, the relationship while they are "visiting" and having fun going out on weekends drinking a lot, from what I'm hearing the relationship seems superficial to a lot of people like with the way he's posting it publically on FB.  It's like he's screaming like a little kid "hey look I got someone everybody! Look at me, look at me!".  I didn't let him do that with me.  I never liked that he publically had to post everything we did together and I don't like my picture all over FB.  But I always felt like it's a self esteem boost he needs everyone to see.  Is he seeking validation from people through this relationship?

She lives almost 2+ hours away and due to both their work schedules and the fact she's got kids even younger than mine, they can only see each other on weekends.  Quite literally since he met her in the month before discarding me and up until now, that means as far as numbers of days they could have actually spent together is around-ish a month.  That's not what he wanted from me.  He wanted and needed me around constantly and we spent much more regular time together than they can.

He wanted me to switch my work schedule so ours were the same and we could be together more.  He wanted me to move in because he said he wasn't seeing me enough.  He wanted more and more of my attention right until the sudden end.  So why did he replace me with someone who can only give him LESS of their time right out of the gate?  He was engulfed by being with me so now needs someone who quite literally due to unavailability can't engulf him?

Thank you to everyone who have answered my posts.  Asking questions and talking it out has helped a lot in moving toward closure to my own situation and process what happened.  This question I'm asking now is somewhat a mixture of being curious and wondering why he chose WHO he did when she so clearly to others isn't someone who will be able to maintain whatever it is he's seeking now at this point.

The more I learn about BPD, it's hard not to be empathetic to him.  It's so saddening.  He may never experience the joy of real and deep meaningful love.  The kind I thought we had but didn't.  I can still have that some day, but he can't without some real meaningful help and he's really alone.  His family either sits in denial or has given up on him and they all live far away.  He has lots of friends but looking back, I realize even they don't really know him as well as they think they do.  Just all his relationships with everyone are superficial.  What a sad existence that must be.  People are almost demanding that I focus on that he's cheated on me but I'm not really mad.  I can't be.  Not when I look through his eyes.

[mjssmom]

His sister has told me this relationship won't last either just like none of the others did.  Sometimes I wonder if I was someone else's replacement and didn't know it. 

To anyone following my story here, so several of you have mentioned "fear of engulfment" as the reason why I was discarded so easily just when he was pushing me to move in with him and for a bigger commitment.  He wanted me to switch to 1st shift so we had similar schedules too and I would already be home and there when he got home work himself.  He just wanted and needed me to be with him constantly.

Is the fear of engulfment the reason why he turned to a replacement that isn't as available to him as I was?  Did he purposely seek someone he knows is really not very available to him?   Does he even know what he's doing at this point? 

By all appearances, the relationship while they are "visiting" and having fun going out on weekends drinking a lot, from what I'm hearing the relationship seems superficial to a lot of people like with the way he's posting it publically on FB.  It's like he's screaming like a little kid "hey look I got someone everybody! Look at me, look at me!".  I didn't let him do that with me.  I never liked that he publically had to post everything we did together and I don't like my picture all over FB.  But I always felt like it's a self esteem boost he needs everyone to see.  Is he seeking validation from people through this relationship?

She lives almost 2+ hours away and due to both their work schedules and the fact she's got kids even younger than mine, they can only see each other on weekends.  Quite literally since he met her in the month before discarding me and up until now, that means as far as numbers of days they could have actually spent together is around-ish a month.  That's not what he wanted from me.  He wanted and needed me around constantly and we spent much more regular time together than they can.

He wanted me to switch my work schedule so ours were the same and we could be together more.  He wanted me to move in because he said he wasn't seeing me enough.  He wanted more and more of my attention right until the sudden end.  So why did he replace me with someone who can only give him LESS of their time right out of the gate?  He was engulfed by being with me so now needs someone who quite literally due to unavailability can't engulf him?

Thank you to everyone who have answered my posts.  Asking questions and talking it out has helped a lot in moving toward closure to my own situation and process what happened.  This question I'm asking now is somewhat a mixture of being curious and wondering why he chose WHO he did when she so clearly to others isn't someone who will be able to maintain whatever it is he's seeking now at this point.

The more I learn about BPD, it's hard not to be empathetic to him.  It's so saddening.  He may never experience the joy of real and deep meaningful love.  The kind I thought we had but didn't.  I can still have that some day, but he can't without some real meaningful help and he's really alone.  His family either sits in denial or has given up on him and they all live far away.  He has lots of friends but looking back, I realize even they don't really know him as well as they think they do.  Just all his relationships with everyone are superficial.  What a sad existence that must be.  People are almost demanding that I focus on that he's cheated on me but I'm not really mad.  I can't be.  Not when I look through his eyes.

[mjssmom]

Sorry my post repeats itself a lot.  My boxer puppy decided I was done with it by trying to sit on my keyboard and posted it for me.

[Mr.R.Indignation]

Hey again, busy bee!

The last couple of paragraphs resonate a lot with me. Just wanted to say that while out of the 'FOG' is out, it can still be easy to let your empathy overwhelm your sense. I engaged with my ex again recently out of compassion, and having thought that maybe, maybe my personal support mattered... .nope.  Try not to let yourself get used - whatever real reasons to value you, even if they're cited, they're not the reasons he'll come back. I don't hold to the mentality that none of us are special, I'm pretty sure we do make them genuinely happy at least some of the time (I mean what else is laughter?), but the things that matter rationally are not the things that matter to them - they are completely secondary to the constant urge to get bizarre needs met. You have been warned.

You actually seem to be doing pretty well. I'm pretty sure most of us have been through the rambly, not knowing if up is up and down is down, poring over information stage. Now you've had the realisations the wounds'll heal, long as you have sense enough not to reopen them! I think you'll be through with this turmoil soon enough. Good job, momma bear. :P

[apollotech]

mjssmom,

If you look at the circumstances that you have written about, that woman is not available for a close, intimate, ongoing relationship. As you called it, they "visit" on the weekends. Under those circumstances, he might do well with her as engulfment may not be triggered. You will see examples of these types of circumstances on the boards----long distance relationships, Internet relationships, relationships with people who are married, etc.----all people that are unavailable.

My question is, is this really a relationship? This seems, to me, to be FWB that hook-up on the weekends, but other than that, their lives are separate. Perfect for a person who has engulfment issues, not very good for someone that would be interested in building a future with another individual.

In my own failed BPD relationship, I dated a woman that was fine on the phone, but a mess when we were in the same room together. We live about two hours apart and have known one another since our teenaged years. We had a friendship that was 35+ years ongoing. It all came to an end over a 9 month romantic relationship. Now I trigger her. If the physical/time distance between your ex and the new lady ever closes, I suspect that she will be up against the same scenario that you were.

[mjssmom]

LOL I am a busy bee!  I really wanted to understand this illness.  My self-esteem kinda took a beating from this and honestly, it's helped to know this didn't happen because he actually hated me and I did something unknown that was wrong.  I know now it's not a personal defect he had some jag with but I'm still also working hard because obviously I still must have self-esteem and co-dependency issues if I was able to get into this situation to begin with.  My history with relationships in general says so too so I've be doing EMRD therapy, journaling, learning about this, working out and trying to stay busy and the week after next, I am taking a week's vacay to get in some girls time with my BFF in TN.  Usually I don't stay down too long from major setbacks but it's like major Hell getting through the first month or two for me.  That's the worst part.  If I can make it past that, I'll be good in the near future.  I'm getting my closure even if it has to come from within me.

I was thinking the same thing Apollo.  People keep trying to tell me to be prepared to be recycled.  While of course I shouldn't rule out that he'll try, maybe he'll think he needs someone down here by him as well after all, now from everything I'm learning, he'll get lonely probably soon and he hates that.  Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to keep her AND come back to me on the sidelines for when he's lonely here.   If he ever does that, he can think again.  I don't share.  Yeah this hurts.  Maybe I'd give him a chance under certain conditions, I've discussed with my therapist what my boundaries are and we are making a written plan... .but that's a maybe and that's only because right now I'm still getting through the worst of this.  Another month down the line and I'll be stronger and stronger to resist any attempts should he try.

I'm not really thinking he will try though.  I feel in my gut this is done and over simply because she can't engulf him.  She can't move by him (I know because her ex husband found me and contacted me and there's the issue of visitation and such). Personally I think this may be the perfect setup for him for a while.  He doesn't have to worry about being engulfed.  However, once she realizes he probably wouldn't sell his house and give up his job here or the only people he has here or his familiarity with all the places he likes to go to around his home,  to be engulfed by her to move up north, she'll be in for a rude awakening.  It will probably take a really long time for her to get to know him well enough through visiting to see any of his issues. 

I was with him all the time.  I know what he's like.  I almost feel sorry for her but it's her choice to dive right in.   From my understanding according to her ex, she slept with him after knowing him that first day, had him stay with her which means she immediately introduced him to her kids.  Even we didn't go that fast.  I made him slow way down in the beginning before I jumped immediately in.  Her ex though is really concerned about him being around his kids when she just jumps right in with some guy she met on the internet and can only see on weekends so she barely knows him.  Makes me glad I limited contact with my kids.