Infidelity, Lies, Trouble

[sdoiuasd]

Hello everyone, I'm bringing this over from Talk About Marriage, in hopes of either A) some advice on my codependency issues, or B) keeping a door open for my recently ex-fiancee. Several contributors there mentioned a pattern of BPD traits, and many of the posts here echo my experiences, so I thought I would toss in. Additionally, early in the relationship (2 breakups in), she saw a CBT who brought up to her that this pattern would continue without further therapy (which she never pursued).

I'd been with my fiancee (both 29, no kids) for nearly 7 years, were friends for 3 years before that. This was her first relationship (at all), my 3rd. Originally from MN, we moved to NYC together about 5 years ago, as it was her dream. I'm a very hard-working and kind guy, she is very shy, doesn't trust easily, but we've been generally sweet, almost inseperable, and very affectionate, just private. She has a twin sister (also in NYC) who is simply awful –*repels people, is rude, and has never dated anyone past 3 months. The sister has constantly told my fiancee she could do better than me, and has undermined our relationship from the start. Her mother (and our couples therapist) said this is jealousy. This, along with just general couple squabbles, has led to about 7 breakups/ makeups in as many years. With her always breaking up, and eventually showing up again some weeks later, depressed and sorry. It's been hard, and she is aware of the pattern, says she genuinely loves me, and I've just kind of accepted it. It seems to be a fear of commitment, since it's happened pretty much at every new point in our relationship (BF/GF, moving in together, moving cross country, engagement, kids talk, etc.). She says she has painful recurring doubts about the 'rightness' of us, herself, friends, family, and just about everything.

We had not planned to spend our lives in NY, though she is very attached to it (childhood dream), so I've been wary of voicing my growing dislike of it here. Talk of moving always enraged her. We've both succeeded in our careers, but became swamped with work, bills, routine, some unchecked resentments, etc., but still had goals, fun, and love was never a problem. She had been depressed for a few months after grad school, not being able to find interesting work, but found a contract job at a law school. This was March. And, as far as I can tell, we were great, stronger than ever till May.

Recurring problems we've had:
1) I take on too much in the R, leaves me burnt out, and her feeling left out
2) I can sometimes need to work very long hours + weekends, and have little time
3) She is at times, very socially anxious, gives up on friendships easily, and won't live her own life, so I am the only one there
4) Small resentments, on both sides, go uncommunicated till they blow up.
5) I have been drinking too much this year, part of the long hours
6) Without a big goal ahead of us, we can both get restless and irritable
7) She's *extremely* fixated on NYC as some dream, even though we have no financial future here, have had ME v.s. NYC fights
8) She has a great fear of control, though I see myself as very permissive, till this
9) The sister has been trying to break us up in every way possible, directly and indirectly, for years
10) She has like, DEEP trust issues, thinks that people are out to get/ humiliate her. Often have to defend friends (or myself) and reassure, or she writes them off

Fast forward to June, another breakup talk, but this one out of nowhere. Says she's unhappy, doesn't see a future, thinks I would make her get an abortion if she got pregnant (prior to this we were both outspokenly against children). I broke down and cried, but at this point, I'd had enough. I spent the night wandering the city, she I don't know. The next day she begged me to come back, said she didn't know what she was doing, and we made up.

A few weeks later we took a vacation with both our families. I sensed something was up, as her mother took me aside, told me what a great man I was, how happy she was I was in her daughter's life, and thanked me for "putting up" with her. There was some similar tension the whole trip.

When we got back to NY, we celebrated some friend's closing on a house upstate with them and my best friend. We all got really drunk, there was cocaine, and these friends, being swingers, kind of coerced us into it. Normally this is NOT something we would ever do, but I felt some impending doom coming. About 30 seconds in, I called it off, told my fiancee we're out, and went and had a cigarette. Long story short, I got kicked out, and the night ended with my fiancee sleeping with my best friend, her coming home the next morning.

Needless to say I was pretty upset. I punched a wall, then the following day broke down. When she saw how hurt I was she ran to the swinger friend's house, and told them I was a terrible person, then tried to break up with me by phone. I wrote her a long apology letter (I know... .) and eventually she came back, broke down in tears and shame, begging for a second chance, and agreed to couples therapy. Wrote it off as pretty bad judgment on both our parts.

The following months were hard, but we seemed to be working through it. It was very confusing, because she'd alternate hot/ cold. Some days breaking down, saying I'm the greatest guy ever, that she didn't deserve me, that she was ****ing up all the good in her life, doesn't know why she's sabotaging us again, that she was miserable before we got together, that I'm the best thing that ever happened to her. That she always knew she was "****ed up" somehow. I'd just hold her while she cried it out. Some days we'd wedding plan. A lot of days we were good as normal, if not better. Some days she claims this is all her inner turmoil, that I have nothing to do with it. And some days I'd see a wild, hateful arrogance I'd never seen before, and be blamed for literally everything in her life. I couldn't seem to do anything right, be it strong, or sad. I would either be a saint or the worst partner ever, sometimes in the same day. She was waffling for sure, but every time I made to leave she'd cry and beg for me back. She starts saying this is a 'commitment test', that she needs boundaries, a consequence, but doesn't want to break up. At some point, a crush with her boss came up, and alarm bells sounded. This is when, in therapy, I hear "I love you, but I don't love our relationship."

This guy had come up in conversation for several months, and we had kind of just laughed it off. Her words: 'He's a brown-haired version of you'. So now, I go into full panic. She swears he's just a work friend, a stupid crush, etc. Our therapist suggests she cut contact with him by leaving her job (only 1 month left anyway), which she initially agrees to. I ask her to stop talking with him, which she agrees to. Weeks go by, and I do everything wrong by being hypervigilant, needy, definitely overstepped on privacy, etc. In a fight, she tells me she needs "a stable man, not this". Tension built, and she was incredibly distant, stressed, and depressed (waking up in the middle of the night, hair falling out, argumentative). At this point, I was getting close to exposing, the sister was involved, and **** hit the fan, and she left to "cool down" a few days, staying with her sister. I again do all the wrong things, beg, cry, etc. This is December.

A few days later she calls to tell me we're through, that she's not ready to see me in person. A week goes by, and I try to be understanding, having gone through this many times before with her. She comes home to finalize some details (keys, bills, accounts, etc.) and is very haughty. We decide to make a night of it and try to enjoy each other, end up having sex, etc. She said she'd slept with someone since, and I asked who, she stares blankly. "Oh, so I'm not crazy." So started EA, went PA at some point. I didn't freak out, was trying to keep my cool, just move on. She moved out over Christmas.

So, it's the same sad story and script. Since, I've tried to make it clear that I love her and am willing to work on us, should she be able to end it (honestly, I had made my peace with that possibility long ago, it came as a relief after thinking I was crazy), but have kept my distance. She is claiming to mutual friends that this was an exit affair, though that seems irregular. She cares VERY deeply about her self-image and how people perceive her, so she of course is blaming me and our relationship, when she really just got busted.

Part of what kept me trying through all this is seeing how conflicted and scared she was. Even days before she left she cried saying to "never give up on me, no matter what I say or do". That she feels she as a "void" within her (not the first time I have heard this) and is hurting. All of this (the anger mainly) is *very* out of character for her, and the only reassurance I have is that it's scripted. There's a limit to what behavior I will accept, but she admits this acting out is more shame-based than anything. That seeing me makes her feel like a bad person, and thinks I will rage or hold this over her head forever or try to control her, that the boss means nothing, that she'll end up alone, but that she feels we're not strong enough to get through this. It may be difficult to believe at this point, but she is, at most times, a genuinely sweet, if fragile person (self-image issues, depression). If left to just us, we were great.

I have not been anywhere near perfect in this. We've fought loudly, and often, though never physical. I've shown weakness more than a few times, lost respect. I would still take her back, though I don't know how to communicate A) Cheating and lying are not behaviors I'll tolerate and B) she doesn't have to be scared I'll rage out or not be able to get past this. Now, a month since she's moved out, I still have a great deal of love for her, and she admits the same for me, but we've both gone NC. She even admits to the justifications and "cheater-script", but will not come home, and seems to have MORE anger now the affair's exposed. Says that seeing me makes her feel like a bad person. Have we dug ourselves too deep? What the hell even happened? I feel like I'm just holding a big bag of What the heck for the cute, sweet life we had. So for now, I've just been 180, trying not to doormat anymore, left with 'loving detachment'. But is there anything else I can do to wake her up/ bring her home?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sdoiuasd]

I would also like to add, that just days before she left, she did say she wanted to be together, get married, etc., that it was a stupid mistake, but was worried I'd use this to control her somehow or never let it go.

[Turkish]

Hi sdoiusad,

A) Cheating and lying are not behaviors I'll tolerate

Though we have a few members here who work within open relationships this sounds like a dynamic which is against your core values. Given this,  you sound very hurt. I would be too. I was when my ex lived a double life but still wanted to keep me as a close friend and accept her decisions.  It hurts. A lot.

You want back what was, but now you see what is,  that is, her values compared to yours.  If she's BPD, she likely suffers from a distorted self image,  even shame, desiring to be loved by anyone.  It's sad, even tragic,  that they push away and hurt those that actually love them. Msuperficial attachments can be very validating, but they aren't the foundation of a stable relationship. We may view it like this; they view it another way.  Hard to reconcile opposite views. 

BOUNDARIES: Case studies

The discussion above may help you assert your boundaries, given your core values.  Too often, we forget our values at the expense of "rescuing" and this can breed unhealthy anger. Take a look and tell us what you think. 

Turkish

[sdoiuasd]

Thank you @Turkish

For her (at least what she told me), it wasn't about sex. She's never been very sexually motivated, often witheld it for a month or more. The boss began as a crush, and was I believe until we took a 'break'. The friend – what spurned that (obviously aside from a poor judgment on both our parts), was that when I walked in, I yelled "We're through!", obviously very hurt. She said that kicking me out was kind of revenge for my saying that. But yes, 7 years in, monogamy is hard to keep up. I'm not one to even really get upset over the sex aspect – for me it's more the deception and disrespect.

It wasn't always this bad, there were a lot of beautiful and happy times. A lot of it stems from her identifying herself through other people. Before me, she had a ten-year long friend that much managed her social life, pretty much fed her. But she wrote her off years ago, over something ridiculous. Before that, her sister. Then me, now back to the sister. If there were other people around (we lived in a big communal loft for the first few years here, with a private studio apartment inside), a lot of that sadness and mistrust went elsewhere. Only after living just ourselves did it start to really fall on me. She had gotten depressed and needy when I was very busy, and nothing I could do would help. Eventually, I started living my own life a little. Then I started getting blamed for her weight (I did the cooking), appearance, self-esteem, mood, money, time... .everything! She'd tell me my friends didn't like me, that I hated people, point out all my flaws. Avoidance, push/ pull, whatever. We always called it "feeling prickly". More than a few times she even shut me for things I'd said in a dream.

And yes, it may be some Knight-In-Shining-Armor thing, but I did genuinely care for her, and it's hard to see someone in pain without doing something about it. It's hard to watch them write people out of her and my life for imagined slights (not answering a text!) I thought somehow, at some point she'd finally trust me.

She said that when she was with me (in my presence), we were perfect. She was sure. Love secure. And that almost every time we were were apart, she was consumed with doubts, focus on every wrong thing I've done in years. These doubts aren't just about me, they're about everyone, everything. A lot falls on me as I was closest to her, I guess.

I never could set boundaries with her, even though she asked me to, repeatedly. Even asking that she check in if she's going to be out late was an impossibility, and would end with me being labeled "controlling", or "possessive". It always blew up in my face. Sometimes she'd see things clearly and cry, saying she didn't want to be "selfish" or "awful". I'll admit I haven't communicated these in a calm manner much of the time, or enforced much of any consequence.

The final straw, for her was this: She went to her sister's for lunch. Around 10pm I call, no response. Around 11pm I get an email (her account, we went "transparent" as per our therapist's instruction) with a ticket to Cuba for 5 days (a birthday trip with her sister), which we could not afford. She comes home at about 1am, and I am obviously mad. She cried and cried, saying it was just a stupid drunken purchase, that her sister pushed her into it, that she'll cancel it, that I'm the most patient guy ever. I stayed calm and said fine, thanked her for realizing it was crossing a boundary, and told her not to turn this against me somehow in 2-3 days, as is what always happens. Well, 2-3 days go, she ropes her sister back into our private life (something our therapist had specifically called manipulation), then I'm back to being painted as some controlling monster, because we gave each other access to our email (which of course she left out in the rant to her sister) and that I wouldn't "let" her go on a trip, which we could not afford. Shortly after this, she left.

And she's refused pretty much all contact since, says she doesn't want to see me. She's going to Cuba in a couple days.

I love this woman to death but am so confused what to do anymore. And I can't have another friend give me the "If you love something set it free... ." addage, because I've done that. More times than I can count.

I wish I had found this site several years ago.