New to this forum. Need help from going crazy

[fedup2017th]

Hi:

I have been married to my wife for over 10 years and she has BPD. Her only diagnosis is before we got married, we spoke to a theripist for about 12 weeks to determine is we should continue with our relationship (we lived togehter and I had two kids). I decided I can't continue with the abuse so I left her. I kept seeing the therapist , and she told me that it appeared that "Kathy" had BPD and to be cautious not to take her back because she had this. I moved out for a while but being we worked together and she was so attractive, after 6 months of her games, I took her back with the promises that she would get help and would change. Boom, instant relationship again and I was happy. Although she denied making most of the promises, we ended up years later getting married. She did keep the promise where for the most part, she did change. But I realize now, only to deceive me. It was always a game with her. She only did what she had to do until she could control and manipulate me again.

For the sake of making this a post and not a book, I will fast forward to my life 10 years after marriage. I feel broken. I feel like I need her because I could never get someone so beautiful. I AM AFRAID of everything. FYI, these traits were never me.

The problem I have had is she would get mad at me for nothing, say extremely mean things to me, then be mad at me after (Including the silent treatment for days/weeks).  She would be mad at me confusing the fact. The things she would do and say to me, she would think I did to her! So, I would do nothing, get yelled at, belittled and then she would treat me like I did it to her. Eventually, I would have to apologize. yes, weak that I would and usually, I would say, "sorry for what you feel that I did". Friggin so weak.

To add to the problem, when she snaps (always for no reason), she is threatening divorce now. She keeps saying, "here we are again with your games, I knew you couldn't change"  This is so frustrating because she is describing herself and not the fact that I do everything to avoid this. I know she has it in her to find someone to replace me but even if she didn't, I really don't want to get divorced. Sorry to jump all over but we do have an 8 year old who she does manipulate against me when she feels necessary.

I don't want to get divorced because I want to live with my son, I don't want to lose my house, money, dog, life I build in our town, etc. I don't want to see her with anyone else. I also now that being married to a BPD is hard but going through a divorce and then being divorced with a child is very rough.

How do I stop the "gaslighting"? I have done so much research on how to live with a BPD and am successful (my pride and self esteem is gone because of it) with going decent stretches with no huge blowups.

I would love any advise on what do I do? I seen a therapist a few months back who begged me to leave but my wife found out and made my life hell until I stopped seeing her.

I know this is poorly written but I am so flustered and need to find support. How the heck do I proceed? If I divorce, I lose everything. If I don't, I am happy sometimes but on edge and sad others. As a 47 year old man, I have never cried so much as I have recently. I have no way out and truth be told, I couldn't imagine life without her. Her looks are everything I ever dreamed of and part of the problem is she knows this.

I am so appreciative of any advice or comments that anyone has.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you're with us.  We help and support each other here. I think that many of us here can relate to what you wrote in that we've all been through similar situations.

Don't worry about being all over the map with the posting. That's quite natural. It sounds like you have had a lot going on and a long history of it. It feels good to start letting some of it out to people who actually understand what you're going through, doesn't it?

I can personally relate to the feelings of fear and being broken. Reading the posts of others here will help you realize that you are not alone. I know that the twisting of what happened and accusations are really hard to deal with. I spent a great deal of time living in that type of world. I finally stopped participating. Learning as much as I could about BPD helped with that. I suggest you read the boards and the articles.  You will get a wealth of information, advice and support.

Based on what you wrote, it sounds like a good place for you to start is to Stop the Bleeding. There are some other tools in the sidebar to the right of this page that will be helpful in doing that.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

[fedup2017th]

Thank you for you reply. I have been reading the information on this board and wow! I was ready to meet this head on and learn!

The problem is, as I am trying to learn, I had a blowup last night which I opened up Word and wrote the following. Like my last post, it is all over the place but I really, really need help with this one. I need support, I need advice and most of all, I need to feel what I am doing is right.


Help! I am sorry to jump right into my problem after only being on forums a few days but I really need help. I know this is going to be poorly written but I need to quickly get something out there for some help. I will be clearer in other posts.

I have been doing a lot of research and really understand I have a lot of work to do. the problem is that I have two children from a previous marriage. She has always been good to them but it is also a struggle for me to keep her problems away from them. Recently, my 19 year old has come to me asking to talk to someone. He is feeling he is going down a bad path. When I told my wife, she instantly started blaming parenting on any issues he has. What? She  was blaming my ex-wife, but also blaming me! Saying I wasn't there for him. I was  a great dad and I had them a lot! The problem is, in keeping her problem away, sometimes I did what she said, even if I didn't want to. Including some nights where they were supposed to be with me and I made an excuse just because she didn't want to deal with something. FYI, she also has OCD which she is always stressed and complaining to me about any mess even though they really try to keep things clean.

The latest problem is she had been mad at me a lot. Blaming me for so many things that have are things she did (like always). I kept trying to keep her happy (which is probably wrong as I am reading). My son came to me asking if he can stay here tonight being he want to take my advice and start programming and wants to stay here being it is loud at his moms, and he says he feels nicer here. Of course I say yes. I tell my wife about his problems and wanting to stay here and she goes off on me. Telling me he cant. She even slept in the other room which she never does. This morning, she has sent 100 texts telling me he cant stay there. I keep telling her that I can't turn my back on him. She said he can only stay here two nights a week.

I know I have to put my opinions and pride away but how do I do this when I need to also worry about my son? Sure, I decided to stay with this but I also said I wouldnt let this impact my children.

{Please someone tell me what to do. If I tell him he can't stay, what kind of father would I be? If he stays, my wife is oging to make it hell for me for a long time, if not divorce like she just texted me. To break all of our valentines plans. Any ideas?

[Meili]

First, please try to stop worrying about how you post. We've all been there... .a flood of emotions coming out in words. It's natural. We understand.

As for what to do about your son, what would you do if she didn't have BPD traits?

As you have learned, trying to keep her happy just isn't going to work. We all get conditioned to believe that is what we must do. When we try, we lose our own identity, we become weak, and everything gets worse.

Based solely on what you've written, she's conditioned you to be fearful of her. She is like a five year old who dictates what the family does because they do not want him to throw a fit. Would you have allowed your son to dictate when he was five?

When a non starts to regain control of his life by defining and maintaining healthy boundaries, the pwBPD dysregulates and chaos ensues. We refer to this dysregulation as an Extinction Burst.

The non fears for his safety, comfort, and sanity. If the non does not maintain the boundary line, the pwBPD learns that boundaries are meaningless and things continue to get worse for the relationship. A good axiom to remember is that we teach others how to treat us. Do you want to continue to teach her that her threats are effective and allow her to control you, or do you want to teach her that you are in control of your own life and decisions?

It isn't easy and it takes a lot of strength to define and maintain boundaries. But, it truly is what is best for you. The good news it that it is one of the things that helps to give the relationship the best chance at success.

There are communication techniques on here that might help you better communicate with your wife about the situation. There is a general discussion about how to Listen and Be Heard that might prove beneficial to your situation. One of the techniques is called D.E.A.R.M.A.N. (there is a link to it in the Listen and be Heard lesson that I just linked). It should help you ask for what you need while minimizing the chances that your wife will over-react.

[fedup2017th]

I am having a bad day and would love responses/answers to the below questions.

I have done a lot of research on how to live with someone that has BPD, in which my wife does. I seemed to have a good handle on things but recently things have been reverting in a downward spiral. Because of this, I found this site which makes me think so much of what I have been doing is a waste. I have been reading and will continue to read and have to either get out of this marriage or find a way to control it. Because of my ten year marriage, I am now broken. I have seen a few theripist but doesn't seem to help. The last one would only tell me that her goal was to get me strong enough to leave. That scared me. In a way, I loved the validation that I was not crazy but it scares me leaving someone like her. Someone I feel I should be taking care of (yes, I know what I wrote and know that is exactly what they do).

I am so sick of the gaslighting making everything seem like I did it or my fault. I am sick of her having a problem with any of my old friends and also the new ones. Then I have to blow off. She then tells me I have no friends and nobody likes me.  There are a million things like this but that is a waste of time going over mnore because everyone on this board is familiar with them.


Here is a braindump of some of my feelings

Why I cant leave:
-I have an 8 year old who I would hate to leave with her
-He loves her and is controlled but would probably pick her due to their relationship
-I do love her (sure you have all heard that!)
-I am so afraid of seeing her with someone else (my isse I need to work on). I know she will find someone right away and put in my face and never look back and I will be left with remembering the love and good times.
-We have very nice house and a lot of retirement savings. All of this would be split and my money would go to her.
-"if you can't be married to someone, try being divorce! With a child!
-She looks 25 and I look 45. I admit that I am very attracted to her and love how cute she it. I wish I wasn't so needy to be with someone so attractive.
-I would be very sad without my son and my wife and would hate my life for a long time.

Why I need to leave:
-I am so sick of the roller coaster
-I want to have  normal life
-I want to be able to be more generous with my kids (she fights me whenever I pay for anything. College is really becoming a problem)
-I want to have a nice steady life (I guess same as roller coaster)

FYI, she would never admit to having this. A therapist we met with 10 times a long time ago told me she did. In doing my research, it is 100% she does. Anytime I had mentioned this in the past, it would cause a huge fight! Yes, she even punched me a few times which she always denies. This has not happened for a long time and I am more concerned about how to stop what she is currently doing (which she has been doing through out our marriage).

Random QUESTIONS
-Any positive or negative stories of people that have went through what I am
-How many have given up and are happy now?
-How many have gone through this website and are happy now?
-Can I get control?
-How do I handle when does something to me, such as becomes very mean, then blames me? Then either gives mean comments, silent treatment and wont stop until I apologize. How do I get past this part? FYI, she also uses our son against me and coddles him when she feels this way toward me. Then when things are ok, he has to go back to normal life.

I will continue to read everything on this site, along with Meili's suggestiong but wanted to post something. I think reading responses helps me to know I am now crazy, even though I know I am not.

Thank you to anyone who has read this. Extra thank you for anyone that replies. I need help. I feel like a shell of myself.

[Meili]

-Any positive or negative stories of people that have went through what I am

You can always check out the Success Stories on the Improving board for a look at positive outcomes. I'll explain my own "success" as I answer your questions.

-How many have given up and are happy now?

I never gave up on my uBPDexgf because of BPD. I gave up on her because we had little in common and I didn't actually like her as a person.

-How many have gone through this website and are happy now?

ME!

The shocking thing for me was that I am finding happiness with myself and a very strange, I'm not sure what to call it, relationship of some sorts with my dBPDexw with whom I hadn't spoke for 10 years before finding this site. She's still a mess, but I know how to handle it all better now.

-Can I get control?

Control of what? If you mean of yourself and your relationship, yes you can. At least as much as any person can get control their relationship.

-How do I handle when does something to me, such as becomes very mean, then blames me? Then either gives mean comments, silent treatment and wont stop until I apologize. How do I get past this part?

This is where things get tricky. You have to learn to communicate better with her. It takes you both listening with empathy and communicating in a manner in which you can be heard. It also takes you defining and maintaining healthy boundaries. (I'm sure that I sound like a broken record at this point.) It really helps when you radically accept who she is and start to understand the complexity of it all. That makes it far easier to not take what she says and does so personally.