Today i want to talk about double standards..

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After a few weeks out of the crazy fog, I have been taking time to understand exactly why I was so unhappy for the last couple of months during my last “relation”ship. There are many, many reasons but today I will talk about double standards.

“You better not be looking at other girls. Or ill claw your eyes out”.
  
This was legit said to me through text, out of the blue and completely unwarranted, now I fully hold my hands up and admit I stupidly stomached what she would have argued to the hilt “a joke”, yet due to being raised the way I was, in relationships I tend (biggest understatement of the year) to sweep these things under the rug, even when they are a united nations set of flags telling me to jump ship before mutiny.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and were lying in bed, watching a movie. Some dude comes on the screen, walking around annoyed and ready to split some skulls, I said “damn, he looks pi**ed”, what was her reply? “Damn, he looks sexy!”
My jaw dropped and my stomach turned. I said nothing, I said nothing for the rest of the short time before we went to sleep.
Now, this is may be a minor incident to some but after having partners like this in the past I couldn’t shake that same old feeling of disrespect and sleaziness. I also want to point out this example is one I can easily quote without having to explain too much background etc for other examples.
I thought to myself how could someone that was more then willing to threaten me about looking at other girls so obviously blurt out how she found another guy attractive and not see any blatant flaws in double standards. Shed either forgotten she had said the “other girls” remark, flat out didn’t care or….PROJECTION!
After thinking about things and being able to rationally process everything I can’t help but imagine what fireworks would have gone off if I’d have dared to say/do the things she did. For a women that strongly believes in feminism it is so ironic that she could be so inconsiderate and ignorant.
Needless to say I am SO glad that I am out of that toxic anxiety tablet, feminist poisoning, passive aggressive, inconsiderate narcissistic mess that I found myself in.

If you find yourself having to bury doubts to avoid conflict because you know they will say “your so sensitive” or anything along those lines, trust your instincts and either confront them about it and stand your ground or try and exit the relationship if you feel it cant be going anywhere. In my experience these types of people will trample all over you if you let them only to completely discard you when you make a mistake OR GOD FORBID GET FED UP EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

If anyone has  any similar stories it would be good to share them 

[Hellothere]

After a few weeks out of the crazy fog, I have been taking time to understand exactly why I was so unhappy for the last couple of months during my last “relation”ship. There are many, many reasons but today I will talk about double standards.

“You better not be looking at other girls. Or ill claw your eyes out”.
  
This was legit said to me through text, out of the blue and completely unwarranted, now I fully hold my hands up and admit I stupidly stomached what she would have argued to the hilt “a joke”, yet due to being raised the way I was, in relationships I tend (biggest understatement of the year) to sweep these things under the rug, even when they are a united nations set of flags telling me to jump ship before mutiny.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and were lying in bed, watching a movie. Some dude comes on the screen, walking around annoyed and ready to split some skulls, I said “damn, he looks pi**ed”, what was her reply? “Damn, he looks sexy!”
My jaw dropped and my stomach turned. I said nothing, I said nothing for the rest of the short time before we went to sleep.
Now, this is may be a minor incident to some but after having partners like this in the past I couldn’t shake that same old feeling of disrespect and sleaziness. I also want to point out this example is one I can easily quote without having to explain too much background etc for other examples.
I thought to myself how could someone that was more then willing to threaten me about looking at other girls so obviously blurt out how she found another guy attractive and not see any blatant flaws in double standards. Shed either forgotten she had said the “other girls” remark, flat out didn’t care or….PROJECTION!
After thinking about things and being able to rationally process everything I can’t help but imagine what fireworks would have gone off if I’d have dared to say/do the things she did. For a women that strongly believes in feminism it is so ironic that she could be so inconsiderate and ignorant.
Needless to say I am SO glad that I am out of that toxic anxiety tablet, feminist poisoning, passive aggressive, inconsiderate narcissistic mess that I found myself in.

If you find yourself having to bury doubts to avoid conflict because you know they will say “your so sensitive” or anything along those lines, trust your instincts and either confront them about it and stand your ground or try and exit the relationship if you feel it cant be going anywhere. In my experience these types of people will trample all over you if you let them only to completely discard you when you make a mistake OR GOD FORBID GET FED UP EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

If anyone has  any similar stories it would be good to share them 

[infjEpic]

If anyone has  any similar stories it would be good to share them 

Plenty - believe me.
The first time I witnessed a fully blown rage, like in the Movies, was around this topic.
It was shocking.

But actually, since we were just discussing this concept in another thread, I'll post it here for you

I think the most descriptive term for this is jealousy induction. If you Google this term you will get a much more targeted description of what you are describing -  why people induce jealousy.  And if this happened in your relationship, you might get a clearer picture of what was going on with him/her in this... . 

Several expressive and relatively relational motives have been suggested for jealousy induction. Angry or frustrated people report intentionally creating jealousy to hurt their partner or cause emotional distress (White, 1980). Sheets et al. (1997) found that among those who had attempted to make their partners jealous, a substantial majority ‘(87%) had done so to gain their partners’ attention,’ whereas ‘less than a quarter (24%) had done so to increase their partners’ commitment, and less than a fifth (18%) had used jealousy as a mate-retention strategy’ (p. 392). Others may induce jealousy because they want to test the relationship, want more attention, more time or simply to ‘be taken out more’ (White, 1980, p. 223). Jealousy may also serve self-expansion goals. People may deliberately induce jealousy to bolster their self-esteem (White, 1980). People who feel inadequate in a relationship or are themselves jealous, suspicious, or fearful may intentionally create jealousy to gain self-esteem and confidence. People who experience these feelings may have a predisposition to be jealous (Mathes & Severa, 1981; Sharpsteen, 1995). Such individuals may even create these feelings in a partner to turn the tables. In this sense, ‘inducing jealousy may be understood, in part, as a power tactic’ (White, 1980, p. 222). This would help account for why a person’s sense of power-lessness mediates reactions to jealousy (Rotenberg, Shewchuk, & Kimberley, 2001) and why jealousy induction is associated with need for control and use of aggression in relationships (Brainerd, Hunter, Moore, & Thompson, 1996). A person involved in a romantic relationship can gain control by leading the partner to believe an attractive alternative exists. The jealous partner must respond to maintain the relationship, thereby enhancing the other’s power.

www.unc.edu/courses/2006spring/spcl/091p/016/JealousyInduction.pdf

I can still elaborate on the story I referred to if you'd just prefer to just hear experiences rather than discuss motivations, just let me know.

[FSTL]

Double standards were ummm... ."standard" with my uBPDx.

She gave me soo much grief about other women, even though she cheated. And lying. And accountability. And being depressed. The list just goes on and on.

They have to blame shift so they don't feel so bad. Or because they are overwhelmed by their own feelings. Or to manipulate when they are on the defensive.

Mine briefly she admitted she lied (twice), but then quickly moved on and went on the attack with me, so she didn't feel bad about it and quite often told me that whatever I did was far worse than what she did... .

[FallenOne]

What you're describing is an example of one-sidedness... My entire 4 year relationship was wrought with this... I'll give you as many examples as I can think of...

First, there's yours... She looked at and/or talked to other people on a regular basis... Some were ex's... But if I was ever caught looking at someone else, talking to an ex, or whatever, she would get really jealous and insecure... .or even get angry and argue with me...

She had a lot of visits to the ER and doctors visits... I usually went with her. If I didn't, I would sense a guilt trip... But what happened when I had an appointment or my own health issue? She would only tag along with me if she didn't have something else she needed to do... Where as I put my stuff aside to go with her...

She couldn't hold onto money to save her $$... .Any time she got paid, she would spend money like it came from a monopoly game... Shopping rages... What happened if I criticized this behavior or even tried to talk to her about it in a constructive way? She got angry... ":)on't tell me what to do!" "You're controlling!" ":)on't tell me how to live my life!"... .Now, if I would buy something for myself, and then have any sort of financial problems later, she would criticize me for it and give me crap about how I spent money... .What a hypocrite.

If I got frustrated with something I was trying to do, she would jump in and help (which I didn't really mind) but any time she got frustrated with something, and I tried to help, she wouldn't let me and said she felt helpless... .

She invaded my privacy more than a few times in the relationship, and always found some way to justify doing it... Any time I invaded hers though, she raged about it and it was a big deal. But apparently no big deal to invade mine?

She would rage at me when she was angry with me, but if I stood up for myself, ever raged back at her, or if I got angry with her over something she did, I was this horrible abusive person in her eyes... .It was apparently okay for her to do it to me though, and she was just "Venting her frustrations"...

Starting to see the pattern here?

[No1important]

Mine ex was jealous af about other girls, to this degree that she got angry/upset even when I started playing games/watching films with naked b00bs, cuz I was allowed to watch only hers. And once I have heard that she was watching some porn movies to compare penises to mine (I was her first so-close bf). There were more double standards in that r/s but this is the one I remembered the most. P.S. sorry for my english, but its not my first language.

[In a bad way]

     She would rage at me when she was angry with me, but if I stood up for myself, ever raged back at her, or if I got angry with her over something she did, I was this horrible abusive person in her eyes... .It was apparently okay for her to do it to me though, and she was just "Venting her frustrations"...                      

Exactly, the same here.
If I got angry which wasn't often she would say I was horrible and an angry scary man.
It was her that made me angry with her personality change and false accusations.
She even at the end wanted me to go to anger management and she would go to a therapist, when I agreed (anything to try and save us) and said I thought we should also see someone together she said no and I never heard from her again.

[Confused108]

Omg my ex was the Queen of Double standards! For example she would talk about her exs all she wanted to. Her sexual exploits etc. That was fine. God forbid I open my mouth about any exs or whatever she would right away say oh I can't do this blah blah go into rages. Saying she wanted to break up.  Etc! It was do as I say not as I do!

[stimpy]

Omg my ex was the Queen of Double standards! For example she would talk about her exs all she wanted to. Her sexual exploits etc.

Did we date the same person?

I had this, I knew so much about her exes it was ridiculous. I absolutely didn't care about her exes, or what they did, or who they were and I never asked.

But somehow, she would tell me so much about them, and even on one occasion how good a couple of them were in bed. That was too much, and I walked out of the room, and didn't speak to her for a day just to calm down again. I explained why, and she sort of acknowledged that it was hurtful of her to say such things, but of course there was no apology.

But yeah, this double standards thing was exasperating. She described herself as a "people person" and "loyal" in relationships. Shortly after, I had the sudden discard, out of the blue, with no explanation and no closure.

Her lack of self awareness was astonishing. I think she said those things about herself because that is who she wanted to be, but couldn't reconcile the fact that that wasn't who she actually was.

Crazy making for me.

I, like it would seem so many others tried so hard to unravel all the contradictions and lies and gas lighting and try and work out what was actually the truth. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll ever know what was true and what wasn't. 

[Aesir]

I can relate to so much that has been said here.  It was okay for her to rage and be thin skinned about any perceived slight or if she was depressed. BUT if I got angry and defended myself I was abusive. Of course when  I would win a verbal argument  but  would never let it rest because SHE had to be right.

[infjEpic]

. P.S. sorry for my english, but its not my first language.

Your English is great, better than my German anyway!

Unfortunately, I don't think I'll ever know what was true and what wasn't. 

It's difficult, but important, to make peace with that. Very hard to let it go and move on otherwise.

[Hellothere]

Plenty - believe me.
The first time I witnessed a fully blown rage, like in the Movies, was around this topic.
It was shocking.

But actually, since we were just discussing this concept in another thread, I'll post it here for you
I can still elaborate on the story I referred to if you'd just prefer to just hear experiences rather than discuss motivations, just let me know.

its good to know that others have shared similiar expriences (although im sorry that others have had to endure this sort of behaviour)

thankyou everyone for your replies, Infjepic, your post about the jealousy induction was very eye opening so thankyou for sharing that with us.

it seems there is a string of correlations regarding their exs/past and double standards. personally for me i am willing to listen about peoples pasts but when it gets to the point that you start to know their exs favourite bands, bad traits and what annoyed them about him it really does get too much. She would also ask me about my exs and stuff like that and i had no poblem disclosing some things but after a while i just find it all well... unattractive. i dont want to spend the little quality time we had together talking and thinking about other dudes from her past, yuk, SO TOXIC! way to make someone feel special and wanted huh? 

[ateu]

Double standards were the norm... .in everything. In my experience it concerns even small, daily things like going shopping, or going to a party.

If he felt he "needed" to go to this party, he would guilt trip, threaten or do whatever it takes to get me there. Even if I was home puking I should get up and you, "you will really disappoint me if you let me down like this"

If I wanted to go somewhere and he was "not in the mood", he would lounge around at home, telling me "you did (insert whatever) to upset me, and I can't just change my mood like that. I want to stay home"

And not only did he want to stay home, he wanted me to stay with him. To listen to how bad he felt and whatever he needed at the moment.

When he was sick I brought him medication, tea, I brought him ice cream if he wanted... .whatever. But God forbid if I had a cold! He went into a rage! "You have been so irresponsible and not wearing enough clothes and not eating right!"

The times when we were both ill really gave me some insight in his mind. We both had fever (me much more than him), and I was coughing a lot. I didn't expect anything of him, because I knew we were both ill, but he kept yelling at me:

"Can't believe you didn't even brought me a cup of tea!"
"I am not well, I have been in bed just like you the whole day"
"You don't care about me at all! And you are not as ill as I am."
"Why didn't you make me tea then if it's so important? I have higher fever than you have, and we both saw it"
"Higher doesn't always mean you are more ill. You just didn't bring me anything"
"But you didn't either! And we are both ill!"
"I can just imagine how my mom would think of you if she knew you are not willing to help me when I am sick! MY OWN GIRLFRIEND, does this to me!"
"I am sick too you idiot!"
"The only thing you do is cough all night and keep me awake!"
":)o you think I do that on purpose! I AM ALSO ILL!"
"I can't sleep because of you, and you won't even bring me tea... ."

And there we were... .for a week. I was just so exhausted and in the end I almost thought I did something wrong. Just don't get it.