Hi Rhomer,
2 months later, after a lot of talk, she wanted me to be poly with her but I refused, and we left off saying we love eachother but must do LC.
What are the terms of the LC that you would prefer to maintain with her? Is you goal to detach from her?
Well, it only took 2 weeks but she contacted me 2 nights ago by trying to call me at around midnight. I asked yesterday what had happened, and she said she was sorry for trying to contact me but she was worried she was going to hurt herself badly.
... .
I had told her I was trying to move on but would always unconditionally love her even if that didn't mean us being together.
As I see it, even if you are trying to move on, she knows that as long as she's hurting and needs you, that you will make yourself available to her. I know you're trying to help her, but now she has motivation to at least feign (if not actually) that she is hurting herself (i.e. to avoid being "abandoned" by you).
She said she understood but was still terrified that some day I would hate her. I reassured her that we had a wonderful relationship and I wasn't letting the way it ended ruin what we had together. She said that she really took me and what we had for granted and actually thanked me for how good I was as a boyfriend. I probably made a mistake when I told her that I potentially would try again after some time had past, but didn't wait for her response and moved on.
I wonder if she is not in the progress of seducing you in order to recycle you.
This position I'm in now feels very strange. She seems to be spiralling and I desperately want to be there for her. I get that she is at least subconsciously testing to see if I'm still hooked, but I don't believe her actions are purposefully manipulative.
Does it need to be purposeful in order to be manipulative? As long as she is putting you in a position where you are making choices that run counter to your goal of detachment, purposeful or not, the end result may be the same.
I feel for her so much, the last 4 years still really feels like a good relationship and I would be willing to risk myself with her again. I don't know how much she still feels she can't be exclusive, I can't tell how much she is over me in a romantic sense, I'm scared shes going to kill herself feeling like she is just going to hurt everyone.
If there is one thing you should learn about the interpersonal dynamics of pwBPD it is that their behaviors are cyclical -- they will end up doing more or less the same thing they have done in all their past relationships (unless/until they endeavor to recover). It's in the diagnostic criteria of the disorder: "a pattern of intense and unstable interpersonal relationships characterised by... ."
If any of her actions trigger you to feel: (1) fear (for her or yourself) (2) obligation or (3) guilt then you are being manipulated. You are blinded by F.O.G.
I want her to know how much good she has done for people and myself. Its hard not to feel like there is still a wonderful relationship we can still have together despite what happened, I just wish I knew whether or not it's something she would ever want to try again.
I understand your intentions. But her disorder will prevent her from fully accepting these ideas about herself. It is more than likely that she will only continue to repeat her cycles of behaviors.
Best wishes,
Schwing
