What the heck is wrong with me?

[Swhitey]

Right now I feel like a crazy person, a freaking lunatic! I moved back in with my partner at the beginning of the year... .

She asked me to come back. I wanted to come back. We had some good discussions on what we both felt needed to improve and to be worked on. We entered into couples counseling and have had 1 session so far with the Imago dialogue. It didn’t take long however for old habits to resurface and the dysfunctional communication to begin, with misunderstandings and invalidation everywhere (both on my part, and hers). I feel like I am making a honest and true attempt on changing/adapting my communication and I want to become for validating (take things less personally/become defensive) but I am struggling sometimes and making mistakes. I am noticing more when I am becoming triggered in many situations or when engaging in conversation, though I still react sometimes. It is a work in progress.

I find when my partner is expressing strong feelings about things I can be very validating and caring and compassionate, however I have noticed that during her expressions and as she starts to show signs of dysregulation, I become tense almost like I am anticipating, waiting, for the conversation to turn on me, onto something that I am doing that is causing stress in her life. And sure enough she will start to complain about something I said or did wrong and I begin to get defensive and am no longer able to listen. Once I become heightened, all hell breaks loose and we begin the downward spiral to constant invalidation of each other. Lately her words become quite vitriol and full of f-bombs directed towards me, either verbally or in texts.

As much as I want from her to be more aware of how hurtful her words are to me, I am of the understanding that she might not be able to show me much, if any, validation for how I might be feeling or the struggles I face, even in moments of calm and peace (which are far and few between this last week). It feels like I have to be perfect, execute my language and emotions flawlessly, otherwise we both risk becoming dysregulated.

In my heart of hearts I know I taking steps to identify my triggers, own them, notice them as they appear, but this is new territory for me too and I will make mistakes. I try to forgive myself but her responses only re-enforce the shame I feel already when I do stumble and try to make amends. I expose myself to her this way to show that I care and I am an active partner wanting to find peaceful solutions to problems and conflict and be present with her when she is expressing her feelings.

Does anyone else experience conflict similar to this? I am beginning to feel like the crazy one here. I have never experienced such strife/drama in a relationship before… I am feeling trapped and like a fool for going back, for wanting to be back. I really thought there would be an improvement by going back but things seem worse.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

Is it possible to stop the conversation when you start to realize that you're tensing up? Maybe tell her something like:

It's really important to me to talk to you about this and how you are feeling, but I need to take a break for a bit. Can we finish the discussion later?

Then exit. This will give you both time to calm down and move back toward neutral emotionally.

Also, don't be too hard on yourself. As you know, change is a progress and takes time. It isn't linear either. There is usually a lot of hurt and damage that needs to be undone.

You may find it easier to start with not being invalidating rather than trying to find the nugget of truth to validate in times of dysregulation.

What do you think?

[Swhitey]

Thank you Meili,

I will try that script and see how it is received. You are right too, there is a lot of hurt on both sides that requires healing and it will take some time. I will remember this, in times when I am feeling like the past hurt needs to be over in the present moment. I appreciate the restructuring of the thought: to start with not being invalidating as opposed to trying to find something to validate. Looking back I can see this is something I may be doing in an attempt to validate her. It is a much different way of interacting with someone than what I am used to.

Thanks again for the tips!

[Meili]

You're welcome. We're all here to help each other.

I made every mistake that you can think of when I was in the heat of the moment. I had no clue how invalidating I was. I stumbled across this workshop on Validation Skill - Stop Invalidating Others. It was a game changer for me.

There were so many things that I said that were invalidating and I had no idea!

"I didn't mean it that way!"
"... .but that's not... ."
"I was only trying to... ."
"you are the only one who feels that way"

Those were all common utterances from me. The workshop goes into a lot more things that people say that are unintentially invalidating and cause situations to escalate.

[Swhitey]

I am working my way though this as we speak and I agree! This is a total game changer, I can see it already. I see better now, how important validation is to the human condition, as we are all social beings. I realize how invalidating I have been to my partner and to others in many cases as well how I feel when I am not receiving validation for how I feel many times and not just from my partner!

I am practicing these skills at work as I deal with people who are having problems and I am already noticing diffusion to conflict before it begins, when usually there would be some conflict. It's amazing how much more pleasant people respond when they feel validated. It's easier at work to practice because I am not so emotionally invested with them as I am with my partner.

I'm wondering, would it be a good idea to share with her that I am practicing these skills and/or let her know how important I think this can be for our communications? I fear by doing so it might place an expectation on her to also practice these skills and she may take offense, thus starting another conflict... .

Thank you again for the support you have offered me and letting me know that I am not alone in my experiences. It fills me with hope and I so appreciate it!

[Meili]

Yes, learning the communication skills benefit all areas of lives that deal with others. I work in an emotionally stressful area. It always makes me feel good when a client comes in crying and an emotional wreck and something as simple as a little validation changes everything.

I realize how invalidating I have been to my partner and to others in many cases as well how I feel when I am not receiving validation for how I feel many times and not just from my partner!

Now, just think, your partner feels things far more intensely than you do. Can you imagine how invalidation must feel at that level of intensity? Something that a non might think nothing about can be a clear message to the pwBPD that the non is rejecting them because they are not good enough and the non is going to leave. Viewing things with that understanding made it a bit easier for me to see why they are so scared and dysregulate.

I'm wondering, would it be a good idea to share with her that I am practicing these skills and/or let her know how important I think this can be for our communications?

I wouldn't share it with her! For me, this is one of those lead by example things.

[Swhitey]

I really wish I was taught the value of this way of communication a long time ago, but I am very glad I have the opportunity now. I find it makes it easier for me to see where I have felt invalidated in my life and how very common it can be, it makes it easier to not need it from others and find it within myself a lot easier. I am less likely to become defensive, I find.

I have practiced last night, as you suggested, to just not be invalidating, rather than listen for that nugget of truth to validate. I noticed it had a different effect in a positive way, because last night could have gone down the toilet very easily after the day she had.

Thank you for bringing my attention, the fact, that her experience, her feelings are far more intense than say you or I. It helps me keep that idea in the front of my mind when she was experiencing intense feelings and I feel I understand a lot better than I did before.

I will lead by example as best I can without the expectation that she follows. I find that just practicing this for me alleviates a lot of my own anxieties and I take things less personally, allowing me to provide space for her and safety for me.

Finding this forum has been a lifeline for me and I am so grateful for the insights I have received

[Meili]

That is all great to hear! 

Keep us posted on how things are progressing.

[Swhitey]

Update: So far so good, practicing and employing these skills. It has had some success in maintaining peace in the home so far and nipping potential arguments in the bud, before they escalate. This is good.

While I learn more about what it means to validate and diffuse conflict, I am finding that this feels like I am sacrificing some of myself in some ways (might be temporary as I navigate the sea of eggshells) When I implement these skills I am finding that I am having to censor myself in almost everything that I say, even in casual, playful, joking, manners that we have always had and used to share laughs in. It feels like everything I say gets scrutinized, twisted around as a slight or has some hidden meaning that offends her. I'm on guard constantly, in fear that something I say will be misinterpreted. It's depressing, I'm feeling depressed now. It really stymies my ability to share my thoughts, feelings and being vulnerable with her is out of the question right now. It scares me to be intimate with her (both physically and emotionally) I hoping this is just a bit of an adjustment, things will normalize, and I'll get my groove back (like Stella?) but in this moment I am bottling, what feels like, a large part of myself, to protect myself.

I guess I am venting a bit because I don't feel I have a safe outlet, with exception of here and with my therapist (who is away after a surgery and I don't know when I will be able to meet with him) and this new process is feeling a bit like a double edge sword: "I can't be authentically myself, for the sake of peace in the home"

I really need to look at self care options, ones that don't induce abandonment in my partner... .and balance. The pendulum has swung the other way for now.

Thanks for reading as I dump a bit here

[Meili]

When you say that it doesn't feel like the authentic you, is it because learning the new ways to communicate means that you don't use the old, comfortable ways; or is it something else.

I think that learning new communication skills always feels uncomfortable at first. They are things that we are unfamiliar with and often feel fake and forced because they are not natural to us.

But, I wonder if you mean something else because of what you wrote about not being comfortable being intimate?

[Swhitey]

I agree learning new ways to speak and communicate is uncomfortable and feels a little unnatural, and for the most part my communication style with the rest of the world is just fine, with very little conflict and my humor is well received. I like what I am learning as I find it is enhancing my communication outside of the relationship with people I interact with. This is motivating me additionally to keep it up. Bonus!

I'm still trying to make sense of what I mean about not being comfortable with intimacy and vulnerability. She has said some really nasty things to me over the last week, that has cut me pretty deep. I cannot express this to her in fear that it will trigger her and the cycle of conflict will continue. It's given me pause to think and realize that certain needs of mine may not be met, if ever, from her. This thought saddens me because I want to have a partner that I CAN share my feelings with.

Once I get unstuck from this depressed feeling I am in right now, I will be better equipped to evaluate my long term needs. Right now some of my immediate needs are not being met and it is leaving me a little lost.

Thanks for listening and lending support, I appreciate you asking for more info

[Meili]

Yeah, I get the need to address some of the things that have happened recently, and hopefully you'll have the opportunity to do so in a healthier manner before they become stale and irrelevant. That is, of course, if they are things that actually need to be addressed. Sometimes it is best to just let things fade into the past and not bring them up again. Other times, the issues are extremely important and need to be addressed.

I tend to allow name-calling in the heat of the moment pass because bringing up the hurt after the fact does nothing but re-ignite the problem. But, other things that have an ongoing impact need to be addressed. Like my x maintaining the position that I was a bad bf because I wouldn't make her motorcycle payments for her when she spent her money on things like her upteenth pair of boots. That fight would happen on an almost monthly basis, so it had to be addressed.

There are communication tools for addressing such things like: S.E.T., D.E.A.R.M.A.N., and P.U.V.A.S. Some members have found it beneficial to write out what they want to say using one of the techniques and post it here so that others can help fine tune the message before presenting it to their pwBPD. I don't know if you'd be comfortable or willing to do something like that; but if you are, we are here for you.

By learning these things in conjunction with defining and maintaining healthy boundaries, you'll be better able to communicate your feelings to her. Because, you're right, you deserve a partner with whom you can communicate. The trick is, just like with anyone else, learning how to communicate on her level. You wouldn't communicate with a five year old the same way that you communicate with a 40 year old would you? It's the same principal here.

I remember when I started to learn all of this, I too felt depressed and frustrated. To be completely honest, I was very angry with my x for not understanding, over-reacting, and "forcing" me to be the one to do things differently. I didn't understand why she didn't have to put forth the effort and do the work to at least meet me in the middle. After some time, I Radically Accepted who she was and all that came with her. I learned to understand that I was, and had to be, the emotionally mature one in the relationship. When I accepted things for what they were and also accepted that I chose the relationship and chose to stay in it, the feelings started to subside.

[Swhitey]

Meili, you are quite right. Thank you for reminding me that somtimes it is best to make peace with some things, and choose what really needs to be addressed. A pessimistic analogy, but kind of relevant in terms of letting go "lose the battle, but win the war" speaking to the present moment pain for one occurrence and letting it go for the greater goal.

I really like the idea of bouncing some ideas off the board for some fine tuning and input from others. It will really help he to better articulate and accurately reflect myself to her and hopefully minimize it being misunderstood by her. Thanks for sharing that idea! I will be doing this

I am excited to develop these skills, learn to respectfully define and enforce my boundaries, build a tool kit for dealing with conflict in all my interactions. Sometimes it feels like I am talking to a 5 year old thought. <insert Jackie Chan Meme: What the... .>

It is re-assuring to know that I am not alone in this, and that others have felt similar while on the journey to Radical Acceptance and the feelings do subside. "yard by Yard; life is hard: inch by inch; life's a cinch!"

Thank you again Meili, for your thoughts, support and guidance!

[Swhitey]

So... .I am noticing that my mood can have (and probably has in the past) a drastic effect on my partner. This last week has left me quite drained and I have been feeling under resourced and depressed. During this time I have also been a little sensory defensive (not wanting to be touched) which is rare for me. When I asked for space the other day, I think this caused a sense of rejection in her. The next day, when she asked me what was wrong because I wasn't sending as many heart emoticons in my texts, I explained that that I am feeling depressed, but I am working through it. (I really didn't feel I could tell her the reasons for my hurt because I knew it would just come back on me as a fight) This seemed to exacerbate her distress. When I got home from work yesterday, she was in full blown dysregulation and laid into me with a laundry list of accusations of what I am doing to cause her misery along with a diatribe of "evidence" to support her claims. I could see clearer what is meant by "REAL or PERCEIVED" in some of the articles I have read. Her reasons all point to me doing/saying things to slight her that reinforce her point of view that she is alone and everybody leaves her. But to her, this is true even though there is a piles of evidence to support otherwise. It is so saddening to see someone you love think and feel this way. I feel bad that my mood helped facilitate these fears in her, I wish I could not experience depression and be all happy-go-lucky but unfortunately I am human (or is it fortunately? )

I managed to stay calm and recognize that nothing I said would assay her pain and only addressed her feelings without explaining or justifying my behaviors as she saw them. I really actually was able to notice in the moment that she was in pain and lashing out out of fear and perceived abandonment, and acknowledge this in my mind as to not take it so personally and become sucked into the drama. It was shocking to actually step outside of my ego and see her in this light this time. I mean, it's not the first time she has behaved like that, but truly, this was the first time I really didn't engage and pour kerosene on the fire, as has been the norm, and really try to listen to her pain. Speaking to it is a whole new matter that is going to require more practice... .

I liked the result, compared to how things usually go. Right now I am solely trying my best to make sure that things don't escalate as I practice and change how I handle myself in this type of situation. I am not happy with, nor do I condone, some of her behaviors when she is in a full blown rage and see I need to work on enforcing boundaries in a kind way that doesn't escalate things. I am also noticing how difficult it can be to articulate and use better words to address her feelings in these moments, or when to interject myself to express this to her rather than just stand there and and take it, only nodding.

Any suggestions on when to interject (not interrupt) in a situation like this? Also, what one might say to someone who is extremely emotional like this screaming endless accusations and past hurts?

I felt I made a step in the right direction, which has actually lifted a bit of my depression, but I can see areas when I can do better next time. (because there will be a next time)

[Meili]

It does sound like you're taking steps in the right direction. It is really hard to maintain composure when you're in that moment, and it sounds like you did a good job. Your level of self-awareness is commendable!

As I mentioned in an earlier post, there are communication tools can help you interject your thoughts and emotions into a discussion in such a manner as to help minimize the chances of escalation. Nothing is fool-proof though.

It is a difficult skill to master, but when we are able to find the nugget of truth buried in the flurry of protected emotes to validate we can change the tide of the discussion. We can redirect rage to actually discuss the underlying emotions and deal with what is actually going on.

Sometimes it seems impossible to find that golden nugget and the best thing that we can do is end the discussion and pick it up later if/when necessary. That's where maintaining healthy boundaries becomes important.