Miss her so much, but have to let it go.

[glaciercats]

I have been on and off again with my BPD girlfriend for almost 3 years.  Each time we split she immediately has someone else lined up.  She tells me no matter who she is with I will always be her priority and come first.  But as soon as she is with this new person I no longer exist.  Then when the weekend is over and she is alone again she blows up my phone, wants to see me, needs to talk to me.  For a long time I have been suckered back in.  But this time I feel different.  I don't want to be this person to fall back on when she is bored and lonely.  I feel like I can't ever get over it because I keep going through this cycle over and over.

When this happens I have to be so mean and cold to get her to stop contacting me.  Then afterwards I feel horrible for the things I have said.  I feel like a monster.  She tells me how bad my words are.  Not even seeing how she pushes me to this point.  She is oblivious to any of the pain she causes me.  How can she go out and have fun while I am sitting home is such pain?  Why does she expect me to never give up on her when she constantly gives up on me?

I have made many mistakes as well, but I always say I'm sorry and try and make it right.  I don't think I have ever had one sincere apology from her.  She sees every one of her actions as being based on something I did to cause it.  I don't think that is fair or is true. And no matter what I have done doesn't excuse her behavior.  I am tired of always being at fault and never heard or understood.

I don't want this life anymore.  I know deep down I am good and I have things to offer.  I want someone to appreciate me just as much as I appreciate them.  But the thing is I don't know how to get over her.  It hurts worse than anything I have ever tried to do.  And I just don't feel very strong right now.

Thanks for the read.  I just really needed to get this off of my chest.  I want to feel like me again so badly. 

[abused by bpd]

Glacier Cats, I know the cordial thing to do is sympathize for your suffering. But, I am sorry it is very difficult for me to sympathize with what you have written. You have completely figured out the game. You have identified all the symptoms of a BPD relationship. Fortunately you are way ahead of most people, that have sacrificed all or a large part of their lives to this evil disorder. Thank God you never married her. Even worse, had children with her and passed the curse on to them. You are in the ideal situation. I think most of us, on this forum, would have given anything to get out so early in the game. The "miss her" part is the hook that might drag you in deeper. I think those that have marriages and years invested in the psychosis, have fallen for that one over and over. That is exactly how you are supposed to feel, to keep you hooked. Your own words even indicate that you are aware of this. Why on earth would you entertain the idea of any future contact of any kind? You even stated you are a good person and deserve better. That is 100% the truth.
     I had 23 years invested in it. Married with two daughters. My two daughters spent the first 20 and 22 years of they're lives in the BPD nightmare. Of course, 100's of thousands of dollars and endless psychologists and psychiatrists later, they are still damaged. After 23 years of being recycled and abused I finally really got it, and had enough of it. My daughters and I left the state and ex, 2  years ago. None of us would ever have any type of contact with the ex ever again.
     The disease cost me the best years of my life and my children's psychological health. Not to mention that the ex ended up stealing most of the marital and non marital assets including the investments my parents left for the children, before the divorce. Am I angry or heart broken? Not anymore. Will I ever have contact with this person again? NEVER! I just thank GOD everyday for removing it from our lives. I was guilty of only one thing. Letting it go on for as long as I did.
     You have much less skin in the game. Maybe a broken heart? That I can definitely sympathize with. Every time you think you might miss her. Remind yourself of the potential consequences, of continuing. I fully understand you are only in the early stages of this relationship. That is why you still consider what if's and possibilities. All I can tell you is, let time mend your broken heart. It is very difficult, especially in the beginning. There will be good days and not so good days. Ultimately, you deserve to have a healthy, happy, safe life. You deserve to be you again.
    

[anna58]

Glaciercats---I know how terribly difficult it is. And I can't understand myself... .why I find it so difficult to cut off ties with someone who treats me so poorly. In my case, I recognize that I have some codependency that originates from growing up. My father needed me emotionally and I always felt I had to be there for him. It wasn't overt. But it was very strongly there. Now, in the present, I need to kick out this quasi-boyfriend guy who is homeless and using me. But I feel sorry for him because he is so mentally unwell,  and I keep giving him more time to get his act together. I need to find something inside me that will let me end this. I am searching.

I know that pwBPD can be very charming. And 3 years is a lot of time. Here's a bit of an odd idea, but, maybe if you go on a date or two with someone new and see there are nice women out there, it will give you some perspective and strength.

Hang in there.

[glaciercats]

Thank you for your comment abused,

I'm not trying to take anything away from anyone else.  I know that there are many people like you that have suffered tremendously.  I am so sorry for what you and your daughters went through.  I am glad it is getting better for you and I hope that it continues to do so.  All that time that was ripped away can't be brought back.  But you can make the most of the time you have now.   

[glaciercats]

Thank you Anna,

I think I'm a lot like you.  I have codependency issues that stem from childhood as well.  I do realize this because of my research and my logical thinking.  But at the same time I don't think I have the tools to do this alone.

I understand where you are coming from.  I feel sorry for her too.  I know she has to hurt right?  I mean I hurt for her and I'm not sure why after the way I'm treated.  But I keep thinking the good parts will stay and the bad will leave.  But when they make no effort to see anything is wrong then how could it ever change?  I've seriously been thinking about trying to date.  Just have to build up the strength and do it.

I hope you are able to find that thing inside you that makes you finally say enough is enough.  You deserve to get the same things in return that you are trying to give.  It shouldn't be this hard to love someone.  Keep your head up!

[GuySmiley]

Glaciercats - everything you wrote in your initial post could have been written by me back in 2001. Everything. My relationship with xBPD sounds exactly the same. I've carried all the hurt, rejection, crazy-making thoughts, confusion and emotional pain for the past 15 or so years.

It was only early 2016 did I discover the condition BPD and the weight of 15 years began to lift almost immediately - I felt validated and for once in my life understood (friends just don't get it) regarding the pain and confusion they cause. You're lucky that there are resources like this site and others available now - I with they were all those years ago.

All I can suggest is read, read, read as many articles on BPD as you can. Read also the associated articles too that outline your own personality deficits and you'll begin to spot patterns and behaviours well in advance of her contacting you again.

My xBPD is still in contact with me, but now I'm armed with the knowledge I've learned over the past year her hold on me is now practically zero compared to her being in my every waking thought for years. I'm not saying I don't miss her or the sex, or the hold her beauty had on me etc, but now I can rationalise my intense feelings and as she tries to worm her way back in I can practically see the script BPDs use in these situations and I honestly laugh at the patheticness of her now.

Last contact from her was over a month ago where I was sick of her gaslighting and told her to f*ck off - and this was coming from someone who promised and he'd love her always and forever no matter what. All because I read, read and read articles on BPD. Honestly suggest you do the same and the weight will lift.

[glaciercats]

Thank you Guy,

I'm sorry you have had to carry the weight around for so many years.  I'm glad you are finally making some progress and starting to heal.  And your right friends don't get it, family doesn't get it.  They say just leave don't talk to her cut off all contact.  That is way easier said than done.  

I have been reading so much lately.  And it helps it really does help.  But even though I know the facts and know what is being done to me I still hurt in a way that I can't explain.  I am a people pleaser by nature.  I know I have some issues myself from how my father treated me as a child.  And that is why I want to help her so much.  She has awoken me in a way that no one ever has.  And I don't know how to turn it off.  

I have so much guilt inside me for the horrible words I have been pushed to saying.  I did promise her I would never give up.  But in saying that I thought she wouldn't give up on me either.  Why should I not give up on someone that is off with another having fun doing whatever.  Why am I supposed to hurt in order to be a part of her life.  But at the same time I miss her so much.  I have never missed anyone this way.  I feel like whatever choice I make I will be in pain.

It sounds like you are finally getting there. And talking to people that truly understand the pain and the trauma of this does help. Try and stay strong and don't let her worm back in.  I promise you deserve more than this.

[blueblue12]

I feel the same way, I miss my ex enormously but by reading and talking with my therapist I am getting closer to detaching from what was especially in the last year and incredibly abusive, detached and completely cold relationship. Although she never acknowledged the BPD condition after reading and discussing events with my therapist I am more then convinced that she has BPD. And it's so strange isn't it, despite all the bad treatment, one part of us still wants to go back, which in itself is nuts. Why would you? When it was bad it was so bad but I did put up with it. At the end she broke up with me, I thought about it many times and in the beggining I did try as well, but I just could not do it, despite the fact that she treated me badly and at times I did not truly trust her. Now that I read so much about the behaviour I do wonder how many times she may have strayed without me knowing... .a horrible thought... .

[glaciercats]

I totally understand where you are coming from Raul.  It's because we are not like that.  We are genuine people who really do care about them with everything we have.  But once all trust is gone what do you really have left?  

I can't keep from thinking about all of the replacements she has had for me.  And knowing she tells them the same sweet things to hook them.  It totally clouds my vision and I really do wonder if any of it was ever real.

I'm not an abusive person.  But everyone has a breaking point and when pushed over and over anyone is going to snap.  At times I felt like I was being interrogated with question after question.  Telling me how I should feel, what I should say, what I should be doing for her.  Never being enough no matter the effort I put out.  It's totally exhausting and drains everything I have until I am completely detached again.  But it's like they don't want us to really go.  Because they can feel the type of person we are and know the heart we have for them.  

I feel like I'm always in a triangle.  It's her on top and then me permanently attached in one of the bottom corners and the replacement is Velcroed into the other corner.  They come and go but we are permanent because we have helped them for so long.

I'm glad your getting closer.  Read all you can.  Visit this board and hear others stories.  Know your not alone.  It's tough but you will make it through!
  

[blueblue12]

I also do miss my ex, terribly at times, but I have to stay nc and continue to heal myself. After a ten year relationship in which the last year I was treated appallingly I must move on and get healthy... .I was there obsessed, it was a drug, I was addicted, but it was so cruel... .and now I realise that the breakup was not my fault, although she would say I was controlling, jealous (she was extremely jealous in the beggining) I would say now that the timing was set and no matter what, I could not stop the development of the three stages and the discardment was there throughout the last year and I could never stop that! I felt it! She would even say things like "I can't believe that we are in this position, as we were meant to be together forever, but here we are" it was like even though she knew that there was love and a committed relationship that her head was telling her that no matter what this had to stop. I was discarded.

[Rayban]

In the later stages of my relationship with my BPDex I went through the exact same thing. She wanted to keep me around as an option while she was out with other guys.  She blamed me for not wanting to commit to her while she was the one seeing other people.  This was pure projection on her part. She is unable to commit as she is addicted to attention and would push me away as soon as she met someone new. I knew that the next step was expecting me to accept that she wanted to be polyamorous.  She once told me that she had a guy on standby for 4 years.  He put his life on hold waiting for her.  I didn't want that and I broke it off.  While she's out and about revelling in her disorder finding new idols.

[glaciercats]

It's crazy how that works Rayban.  It's like I tried to get there with her again where I felt comfortable committing.  But as soon as we would get close again there was always someone else I found out that she was talking too.  She always blames me.  Saying its because I haven't won her back.  But why would I when I can't even trust.  I haven't seen anyone else this whole time.  I can't just attach like that so it boggles my mind.  It's very frustrating and I somehow have to let it go.  It does feel like a drug sometimes, ugh.   

[FSTL]

The last two posts reflect my reality as well.

I saw her whatsapp after our last breakup and it was frightening to look into the mind of a crazy person and see how she lined up my replacement and had already lined up his replacement as well.

She did exactly how the original poster described... .pulled me close and was needy when it suited her, and then when she found someone else she would push me away and my feelings counted for nothing. The only time she showed any iinterest was when she felt me pulling away. If I just accepted she was gone, she would then try and reel me back in.

I saw that, another time, my replacement rejected her and then she called me at 1am and came over. At the time I thought she wanted me, but what she really wanted was reliable me... .

[Gear Jammer]

I miss my ex, is she toxic? yes, I know she is I look at my replacement he's death warmed over he's going to die at the age of 35 or end up severely damaged. I'm pretty sure their relationship is toxic I have a feeling he's a NPD.

Its been 2 years since we ended our friendship I stayed friends with her as we worked for the same corporation in the same building. I ended our friendship, she went ape chit on me I seen the true BPD come out of her. I didn't know about BPD till last year I started reading about it, I've gained a lot of knowledge. I understand now why she is the way she is and she will never change. Being with her was the toughest relationship I've ever been in.

Today I'm healthy and happy living my life the way I want it to be. I don't know if she will ever try come back, we've only seen each other face to face twice in the last 2 years. The difference between me and my replacement I didn't put up with her BS I stood up to her its almost like she respected that. You will never change who she is, she hates her father, she's had family issues, she's had issues right from a child. She's a high functioning BPD so its hard to tell she's a BPD until you get to know her and you see the side of her.

After being with her my craydar meter is cranked on high I've come across other women that have made my meter move.  Everybody else seen the sweet gentle side of my ex I seen the side of her she hides from the rest of the world.

[Rayban]

I saw that, another time, my replacement rejected her and then she called me at 1am and came over. At the time I thought she wanted me, but what she really wanted was reliable me... .

I could also relate to this.  In fact I'm beginning to wonder how many times she saw multiple people in the same day? Maybe even hours apart. 

[GuySmiley]

After being with her my craydar meter is cranked on high I've come across other women that have made my meter move.

This x1000. Now I've read up on BPD I see it in so many people especially women who I've either dated or have got to know better. It's like looking through a brand new pair of eyes.

[glaciercats]

I have the nights where she texts me and begs me to come over.  Says she is crying and can't breath.  It's usually the same day my replacement had to leave her and go home after their weekend extravaganza.  I have been a fool before and ran to her.  But I am no longer going to disrespect myself enough to do that.  I don't understand for the life of me how you can be with someone all weekend and then as soon as they are gone want to be with the other.  I just can't shut things off like that and it confuses the hell out of me.

I tried signing up for a dating site, which she has done multiple times.  Apparently she was trolling it looking for me. I then get a text while she is with my replacement saying how could I do that to her.  And she told me she will never speak to me again, .  I think that lasted all of one day until she was texting me again.

She asks me how I could ever give up on her.  Even if she gives up on me everyday... .I mean seriously how is that even fair?  I'm just expected to sit here waiting on someone while they are out having fun doing whatever.  Why do they think they are so much better than us?

I sit a lot and wonder about her and the replacement.  I know its still the "honeymoon" stage.  But I hope it is already rocky for them.  I know I shouldn't wish pain.  But seriously how can it even be real?  I know the replacement is being told the same sweet words I was.  I know they are totally immersed in the fog right now. They probably think they are saving her from me the "villain" of the story. But I want them to feel the same pain I feel.  And I know its cruel but I hope they are.

Think typing all of this out helps me. Thank everyone for writing your stories here.  Its comforting to know I'm not alone in this.  And I hope you all find the happiness that you all deserve.  None of us deserve to feel this way.

[GuySmiley]

Nothing wrong with wishing them ill - I think it's only natural.

That fact that we feel guilty when doing so means we've learnt to smother and dismiss our darker feelings since childhood. They're all natural and valid parts of our multi-faceted personalities but we've learnt to ignore them.

Also, the fact that you're slowly recognising them and admitting to having them means you're slowly starting to acknowledge and validate these perfectly natural emotions. It's all part of learning and healing.

Just don't act out on them.

[SuperJew82]

This is a great thread. Very helpful conversations here. I can relate to almost everyone's' stories.

 I feel so thankful for cutting my exdBPD out of my life at only a year and a half.

 No divorce and no children. It could have been much worse. For those who got out of the storm further down the road - I have to say better late than never and I really thank you for giving us hope and your wisdom. Thank you guys so much.Your posts have, as corny as it sounds, been the wind beneath my wings (:

Thank you, Thank you.

I hope posting lyrics isn't a no-no here, but I'm going to wrap this up in song:

Poor old Granddad I laughed at all his words
I thought he was a bitter man
He spoke of women's ways
They'll trap you, then they use you before you even know
For love is blind and you're far too kind
Don't ever let it show

I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was younger.
I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was stronger.

The can-can such a pretty show
Will steal your heart away
But backstage back on earth again
The dressing rooms are grey
They come on strong and it ain't too long
For they make you feel a man
But love is blind and you soon will find
You're just a boy again

When you want her lips, you get her cheek
Makes you wonder where you are
If you want some more then she's fast asleep
you're just twinkling with the stars.

Poor young grandson, there's nothing I can say
You'll have to learn, just like me
And that's the hardest way, ooh la la
Ooh la la, la la, yeah

I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was younger.
I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was stronger

[Gear Jammer]

This x1000. Now I've read up on BPD I see it in so many people especially women who I've either dated or have got to know better. It's like looking through a brand new pair of eyes.

If you hear any inklings that the girl hates one of her parents mostly her father be very cautious, I would say family life in general if its screwed up she's probably going to have issues. I've never delt with women that have come from screwed up families before as where I live the people in the community have happy family lives.

[blueblue12]

Bad family backgrounds stifled your entire life. My ex had a sad abusive background courtesy of her evil father. I felt so bad for her, I just wanted to take care of her, I guess she never really understood where I was coming from, I would look at her and get tears in my eyes, I became mr fix it, or tried my best to look after her and give her a loving and warm home environment I succeeded for a time but at the end she left me, my discardment time arrived regardless, she put it as "you are too controlling, jealous man" so there I was going to therapy trying to fix my things when he mentioned 'borderline', somehow all my years with her made sense after that. You blame yourself for so much, but... .not real.

It is such a sad, sad and tragic pathway... .and today here I am two months later of nc (after ten years together) saw a photo of her on my computer and bang! Just broke me up and here I am missing her enormously... .it's a cruel world!

[glaciercats]

I agree super this tread has helped me too. Just opening up and being real. It's liked I've had to keep my true feelings under wraps for so long as to avoid upsetting her. Nice just to finally get it out there so to speak.

I feel you Raul. It's like you can't live with them but at the same time you feel like a piece of yourself is missing without them. Is very cruel world sometimes. Sucks it has to be this way.