BPD at risk of losing her job?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,

I recently went across states over to visit family and invited BPD sibling out for breakfast. While eating, she unleashed her torrent of complaints as usual. Then told me she couldn't sleep and suffered nightly nightmares, work is terrible, everything is terrible, and she is job searching. She also reported that she was so stressed out that she could barely get out of bed and function.

After prying her thoughts a bit, I came to realize what really happened: Her job supervisor told her that she needs to take on more responsibility because she has been an operations agent in her company for 15 years but kept pushing back on learning new things and performing new duties. She has an intense fear of getting out of her comfort zone and making mistakes. So much so that she wanted to switch company instead of taking on new challenges. But then on the thought of looking for jobs, she then got even more immensely stressed out as she knows job searching is a monumental effort these days and she also has to risk getting into a job that she likes even less.

I told her that her supervisor is completely entitled to ask her to take on more responsibilities. Employee growth is a major consideration on employee performance evaluation and a stagnant employee who's unwilling to learn or grow is a major red flag at a managerial level.

Fast forward a few days, she called me and happily informed that after returning from leave, her supervisor gave those responsibilities to a more junior girl. I don't think she understands how bad this is actually for her. At best, the supervisor is thoughtful enough to cater to her personal limitations. At worst, the supervisor has started considering her replacement.

If I am her supervisor, I would be very unhappy to learn that a senior employee got so stressed over receiving new responsibilities that she took leave to cope with stress. It'd definitely go into performance report.

This leaves me very worried - if she loses her job, I am pretty sure she'd have a mental breakdown and I am not even sure if she can climb back up given she's such a fragile person who has grown increasingly diva-like with her expectations of the world. I can start seeing a future where she'd be non-functional and just stay home and claim disability cheques from government. She may even think that's the comfortable life that suits her but once she gets into such a situation, her fragile self-esteem would also be completely shattered since she's already extremely insecure as a person.

[anon3232]

Hi,

I recently went across states over to visit family and invited BPD sibling out for breakfast. While eating, she unleashed her torrent of complaints as usual. Then told me she couldn't sleep and suffered nightly nightmares, work is terrible, everything is terrible, and she is job searching. She also reported that she was so stressed out that she could barely get out of bed and function.

After prying her thoughts a bit, I came to realize what really happened: Her job supervisor told her that she needs to take on more responsibility because she has been an operations agent in her company for 15 years but kept pushing back on learning new things and performing new duties. She has an intense fear of getting out of her comfort zone and making mistakes. So much so that she wanted to switch company instead of taking on new challenges. But then on the thought of looking for jobs, she then got even more immensely stressed out as she knows job searching is a monumental effort these days and she also has to risk getting into a job that she likes even less.

I told her that her supervisor is completely entitled to ask her to take on more responsibilities. Employee growth is a major consideration on employee performance evaluation and a stagnant employee who's unwilling to learn or grow is a major red flag at a managerial level.

Fast forward a few days, she called me and happily informed that after returning from leave, her supervisor gave those responsibilities to a more junior girl. I don't think she understands how bad this is actually for her. At best, the supervisor is thoughtful enough to cater to her personal limitations. At worst, the supervisor has started considering her replacement.

If I am her supervisor, I would be very unhappy to learn that a senior employee got so stressed over receiving new responsibilities that she took leave to cope with stress. It'd definitely go into performance report.

This leaves me very worried - if she loses her job, I am pretty sure she'd have a mental breakdown and I am not even sure if she can climb back up given she's such a fragile person who has grown increasingly diva-like with her expectations of the world. I can start seeing a future where she'd be non-functional and just stay home and claim disability cheques from government. She may even think that's the comfortable life that suits her but once she gets into such a situation, her fragile self-esteem would also be completely shattered since she's already extremely insecure as a person.

[Notwendy]

What you are concerned about may or may not happen- but whatever happens- this is not your responsiblity.

Your sister is functioning at her own capacity. The fact that she got anxious at additonal responsibilities at work is telling of this- what she is doing now is what she can handle and it's not a good idea to have her do more. However, if she's doing the job she can do- it's also OK to let her be in that position and not give her more. This is up to her supervisor.

What if- she agreed to the extra work and then also fell apart because of the stress? That could be a deterrent to her job too. Seems she knows her limits and her supervisor does too.

She's been in this job for 15 years. They likely know her well by now. Also they kept her for 15 years and that is a good sign.

No job is a guarantee and there's always a risk- but it's not something you can control or predict. How she responds also isn't anything you can control. Although you want the best for her, were this to happen- it would be entirely up to her to decide to stay on government checks or try to get back in the workforce.

At the moment, she's employed at her level of capacity, and hopefully she can stay at that.

[anon3232]

You are right that it's not feasible to push someone beyond their limits. Although with today's job market, people are expecting to constantly grow. I do hope the management thinks as you do. She's good at what she's doing.

I am worried not simply for her sake. If she falls apart, my other siblings and I likely have to take care of her both financially and emotionally. It may sound selfish, but she's a lot to deal with already.

[Notwendy]

I understand- but to what extent? It could be that being on government assistance is exactly the motivation she needs to attain and hold on to a job. If she thinks she will be supported regardless, she may not be motivated.

Sometimes being helpful can actually be harmful if it takes the consequence - the learning experience-and motivation away.

I have seen this happen even with non-BPD people- if someone does something for them, they may not be motivated to do it themselves. Sometimes people have to "hit bottom" to find their motivation to change or do something.

[anon3232]

I don't think she really entertained the idea of us supporting her and we certainly make it subtly clear that she needs to pull her own weight.

She did express envy of some family friends who are on disability and cannot work but I made it abundantly clear that she will not enjoy being them since she'd feel utterly worthless in their shoes.                     

In any case, there's no hand holding given to her. We just listen to her problems and give her counsel. We agreed that she's a grown adult and has to make her own choices and suffer her own consequences.

I hope for all our sakes that she finds the motivation to be better at some point. She is incredibly envious of people doing well but also refuses to do anything that she finds remotely stressful.

[anon3232]

Thanks for listening and giving input by the way. I appreciate your words.

[CC43]

Hi Anon,

You are probably right to have some concerns for your sister.  Most jobs require people to learn new things, work with new people and learn new systems and procedures.  Many companies have an "up or out" policy.

However, your sister has been working with her company a long time.  In a way, that protects her.  If the company hasn't fired her already, they probably won't, because do you know what is even harder than learning something new?  Firing a legacy employee.  Surely they know already that she's not a quick and eager learner.  But she might have other redeeming qualities, like responsiveness to customers and colleagues, or knowledge of company history, or even just showing up on time, which is increasingly a rarity these days.  Even if she does get fired, she'd likely get severance, which is typically two weeks' pay per year of service . . . and because severance is so expensive, she's likely "protected."  Even if she were fired, she'd probably get the severance.

Anyway, when I'm prone to worry, I do a reality check.  Am I worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet?  If I am, I try to stop that negative thinking.  Am I worrying about something that isn't in my control?  Ditto.  Why waste my time and energy on something that hasn't even happened yet, and things that are beyond my control?  I tell myself, it's not time to worry yet.  And when it comes to your sibling, who is probably very sensitive to your moods, it might help not to worry too much, because she could easily pick up on that vibe.

You are a great sibling, letting your sister dump her stress and burdens onto you.  She's very fortunate to have you.  If she were dumping her issues in the workplace, now that might be reason for firing.  Because what's worse than someone who is slow to learn new things, is someone with a negative attitude.  I'd rather take a reliable, "traditional" employee with a good attitude every day of the week.

[anon3232]

Thanks for the reassuring words. I work in a very different industry so I wasn't aware there's so much protection for senior employees. She is indeed a very diligent worker who strives for perfection in her work and I hope that is more than enough to convince the management to let he keep her job as is.

On attitude, she does have a lot of (often unreasonable) resentment towards the company. She thinks her work is boring and people are sloppy. Often times, in a stereotypical fashion, she lets very small things stress her out immensely and has black/white views on people. She has received complaints in the past when she was overheard talking PLEASE READ about the company (hope she wised up). Only thing we can do about this is to try to explained her situations to her with a more nuanced perspective and remind her how others would perceive her behaviors. :/

[livednlearned]

Some of what you describe sounds like a "significant need for sameness."

My stepdaughter has BPD traits but her core challenges come from being neurodivergent (autistic). She was diagnosed this year. You wouldn't necessarily guess that she is autistic which apparently is more common in women due to "high-masking." Her significant need for sameness is one of the things that made her T (who has an autistic family member) suspect autism.

SD27 was a teacher but she's been working as a teacher's aide. She's also choosing to not take on a second job like a lot of teachers do.

[anon3232]

Does your SD27 have autism, BPD, or both? It's pretty common for pwBPD to claim they have autism due to commodities and a means to externalize the blame.

[anon3232]

I want to give an update. My pwBPD sibling spiralled further. Her panic attacks and nightmares still happened from time to time and that causes her a lot of distress. Recently she made a minor complaint about something very trivial in a phone call. When it was brushed off, she went berserk and went on a screaming rage. Banging, slamming, and crying.

I wonder if she's going to be psychotic soon.

[Notwendy]

Is she doing this at work or just with family? My BPD mother can be angry at us and then be sweet with someone else. It's distressing to family but if she's not doing it at work, that would be good.

[anon3232]

She did receive complaints at work for being too vocally negative, although she likely doesn't flip out as much. Yes, the fear is that she will also act worse during work.

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother has an emotional need to be taken care of. She will do something self destructive to become "dependent" on someone else- either medically, financially. If it's medical- she will come up with a new physical complaint- and so her providers are then obligated to address it.

Financially, she's gotten herself in a difficult situation, then calls asking for something small but pitiful "I don't have a night gown and it's cold". The issue isn't the nightgown. In fact, if I were to send her one- that isn't going to solve the problem. She can buy one herself- she has enough money to do that. She spends more on other things. If I sent her one, she'd decide she didn't like it. She wants to be in a situation where she's being taken care of and if I sent her a nightgown, then there'd be something else "I need some slippers, I can't buy slippers".

She isn't seeking a solution. She's seeking the action of taking care of her, even to the point of getting herself in a difficult financial situation.

I wonder if there is a similar motive behind your sister possibly sabotaging her job? I don't think this is entirely conscious on their part, but being emotionally driven.

Or there is no motive and your sister is emotionally incapable of managing a job- but she was capable, so what has changed? Or is this her actual level of functioning. I know my BPD mother would not be capable of managing a job. As much as we want to encourage a person's ability and not enable- I think we also have to be realistic about level of function.

The frustrating aspect of this is that we can't control their feelings or their decisions. It puts us in a situation of having to decide- what are our legal obligations and what are our own moral ones ( and this can vary). I think you have seen the bridge story- about the person with BPD tying a rope around their waist and handing you the other end and then they go over. Your choice- do you let go of the rope or go over the bridge with them.

My father supported my mother both financially and emotionally. She can not function on her own. Being elderly, needing assistance isn't unusual, but her emotional needs and level of function aren't much different than before.

You can only control your part of this and for me, I look at my own boundaries and values. I have to have boundaries with her. She starts with small requests "a nightgown"- what kind of horrible person lets her mother go without something to wear. So my emotional inclination would be to send her one- but it's the action she wants, and so then there's something else. It's a manipulation. She's fine. She has enough money to buy her own.

Another example is calling me up to "make a phone call" for her. Well, if she can call me, then she can call the other person.

These seem like small inconsequential things but they are manipulations and if we do them, she will push the boundary a bit further.

If your sister has a mental breakdown- then I think it's best to seek her being qualified for disability.  It's possible she won't be able to hold a steady job and being on disability gets her into the system. She will get Medicaid. It will then be a transition to Medicare and Social security benefits later. As a sibling, you have no legal obligation to support her. You may choose to help her- or not. It will be easier for you to decide this if you know that she has some basic income for her needs. Also, to protect your own income and future.

Yes, you have told her that she won't be happy on disability, but this isn't how she's thinking right now. My BPD mother thinks something is a solution, until she attains it. If she doesn't have a job, she needs the income and the health insurance benefit for her own protection and benefit.


If you and your siblings wish to supplement, you will need to have some boundaries with this. Material "needs" may actually be emotional ones. I have sent my mother items I thought she'd need- and she doesn't like them, gets rid of them.

I understand the anxiety over "what will she do next" - so making a plan for what your limits are may help with that.

[Notwendy]

I looked this up because I was curious and one can work while receiving SSI. The benefit might be reduced during this time but can be restarted if there's a need. I think this could be helpful for someone who may have changing emotional concerns and also for someone who may not be able to tolerate full time employment but could manage some part time.

I don't think this applies to all pwBPD as it's a spectrum. Some people with BPD are high functioning. BPD itself is not a disability. I'm thinking of the associated conditions such as severe anxiety, emotional lability and how much these impact daily function, even if treated. That can be assessed by her mental health providers.

My BPD mother has been on several medications for the emotional aspects. She is intelligent but other aspects of her thinking, emotions, and executive function affect her ability to complete daily tasks. She would not be able to manage the expectations of a job or the interpersonal relationships with co-workers. In her era, she wasn't expected to but I consider managing a home and care for children to be a job and she wasn't able to handle that.

Not being able to do something that is considered to be "normal" tasks can diminish self esteem. Sometimes people "compesate" by acting out or having some sort of emotional crisis. One expectation of us was to maintain the image that my BPD mother is capable. An example is she stopped driving at some point but kept a car. If we asked her "why are you keeping the car that you can't drive" she'd get angry and snap back. "I can drive!! I can drive when I want to do it".

If your sister has a mental breakdown, I think it's a good idea to have her assessed to see if she qualifies for disability- which also includes Medicaid.

[anon3232]

> Or there is no motive and your sister is emotionally incapable of managing a job- but she was capable, so what has changed? Or is this her actual level of functioning. I know my BPD mother would not be capable of managing a job. As much as we want to encourage a person's ability and not enable- I think we also have to be realistic about level of function.

She is competent at her job but she is also very very vocal about things she doesn't like which can lead to interpersonal issues. And at times, her anxiety and stress makes her not to want to work.

[anon3232]

> She isn't seeking a solution. She's seeking the action of taking care of her, even to the point of getting herself in a difficult financial situation.
> I wonder if there is a similar motive behind your sister possibly sabotaging her job? I don't think this is entirely conscious on their part, but being emotionally driven.

The attention-seeking angle is actively considered. We generally don't enable her even if she kept complaining about this and that.

She is more of the "hermit" archetype of BPD. Extremely fearful of everything and the intentions of everyone. Lots and lots of rules and picky as hell on everything. She does have this tendency as you described of your mom, but we generally do not pamper her. Everything she needs, she choose even if she asked us to choose for her. This way she can't blame us on anything.

> I understand the anxiety over "what will she do next" - so making a plan for what your limits are may help with that.

Yeah the worst case is she just squats at home, doesn't work, and wallows in her misery until she dies. We can afford to pay the bare minimum for her utilities and necessities and that's what we'll do for her.

[anon3232]

> She isn't seeking a solution. She's seeking the action of taking care of her, even to the point of getting herself in a difficult financial situation.
> I wonder if there is a similar motive behind your sister possibly sabotaging her job? I don't think this is entirely conscious on their part, but being emotionally driven.

The attention-seeking angle is actively considered. We generally don't enable her even if she kept complaining about this and that.

She is more of the "hermit" archetype of BPD. Extremely fearful of everything and the intentions of everyone. Lots and lots of rules and picky as hell on everything. She does have this tendency as you described of your mom, but we generally do not pamper her. Everything she needs, she choose even if she asked us to choose for her. This way she can't blame us on anything.

> I understand the anxiety over "what will she do next" - so making a plan for what your limits are may help with that.

Yeah the worst case is she just squats at home, doesn't work, and wallows in her misery until she dies. We can afford to pay the bare minimum for her utilities and necessities and that's what we'll do for her.

[Notwendy]

If she is in treatment, is there a way to get her axiety under some control? This couldn't happen when she was living independently but since she's been in assisted living, they've been able to adjust her dose and try different medicines. She still has her issues but she's somehow responded to Cymbalta better than anything else she's been on- for the anxiety- which I think has a big impact on her. It hasn't taken it away but it's improved it. It's been trial and error and I didn't think anything would work but somehow this helped some.

When my BPD mother is stressed, she does act almost psychotic.

It would be unreasonable to expect my mother or anyone at her advanced age to be able to hold a job, but if she were younger, she'd need to be able to. Maybe this would have made a difference to her 40-50 years ago if it existed. I am hoping there is some way to help reduce your sister's anxiety levels.