Feeling lost

[StarDust11]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well. I'm new here and found this site in the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which is proving very validating of my experiences so far. I'm struggling, though. My pwBPD and I have been back together for almost 4 years (we dated as teens and then on and off in to early adulthood), we have kids together and each have kids with other people, too. It's been a rollercoaster, one that generally involves me rushing to "fix" all the issues, being blamed for everything etc.. my pwBPD has recently split on me and this time I haven't reacted in the usual way. He said some really horrible, disrespectful and downright nasty things to me. I feel as though I can't continue accepting this behaviour, I don't deserve it. I love him, and I want him to be better and able to manage his emotions better, but I have discussed this with my own therapist and realise I can't jump in and fix him. Is the only option to end the relationship? What I really want is for him to get the help, do the therapy and hopefully we could stand a chance. I'm trying to do more things for me, self-care and allowing myself to just feel all the emotions this brings up, I know I can only change how I react and not change him but that doesn't make it easier

If anyone has any experience with the same, advice? Just some solidarity? I'd greatly appreciate it.

Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hi Stardust and welcome to the family!

First and foremost, let me say that you're doing EXACTLY the right thing by stepping back, focusing on your own mental health & wellbeing, and asking intelligent questions before just walking away.  The short answer to your question is that you can "fix" your relationship, even though you can't fix him.

At the top of this page, there's several sticky tabs that walk you through dealing with a pwBPD.  Most of it will seem counter-intuitive at first, because you feel like the victim here and you're at your wit's end.  We've all been there...or we're still there (I personally moved on). 

The main key for changing the dynamics in these relationships are creating healthy boundaries while also validating your spouse's feelings.  In a nutshell, pwBPD are highly emotional and they're seeking any form of abandonment because they don't have great self esteem.  They don't love themselves like they should, so why would anyone else love them and be good to them?  That's sort of the thought process in play.

Your goal is to love and validate no matter what's happening...simply to disarm the situation and let your spouse level out emotionally.  You do that successfully and all the fireworks stop (until the next time).  You do that poorly and....well, you get to where you're at now.

None of this is fair and life will never be drama-free, but you can reach a place where the worst of BPD behavior is kept to as minimum (or directed at other people).  It's a work in progress though learning how to communicate effectively, knowing when to step back, and understanding that the feelings don't always line up with the words coming out of your spouse's mouth.  Maybe he says, "I hate you..." but he's feeling like, "If she'd just hug me, the world would feel whole...."

Please let us know how we can help.  Otherwise, just keep doing what you're doing and take this a day at a time.  I hope that helps!