Any help or advice appreciated- sad and exhausted

[AliceOlivia]

This is a follow on from a post I made in May this year following an issue at a family event in our home with our probable BPD daughter, any advice or information from BPD Family would be so appreciated and thank you in advance for reading.

We are nearly 6 months in from an upsetting episode where DDs little one hurled an object at my husband, in response to this he stood up and yelled very loudly at no one in particular in surprise and shock, he was covered in smithereens of glass and red wine. Since then we have experienced semi silent treatment, I haven’t JADEd as recommended (thank you Sancho) have kept things light and managed a short visit recently with a friend to see my daughter and her family, the visit was pleasant and it was lovely to see the grandchildren after so long.

I’ve approached including my husband who is her dad in a future visit, this has brought up another round of drama, he has previously listened and not responded to her accusations of him shouting at our little grandchild and silent treatment towards the little one after the event which simply didn’t happen. This week, he clearly stated that he hadn’t and wouldn’t shout at hers or anyone else’s child and that he didn’t have the same experience of silent treatment that she was describing. This didn’t go well and she said that she doesn’t care what he says or what numerous other people witnessed on the day. She is apparently angry with me that I didn’t do anything…there was nothing to do as little one wasn’t shouted at and she also hasn’t mentioned this to me so we can discuss. My husband wants to disengage from the relationship, I respect his decision, but it’s so hard as I’m still in a conflict resolution stage, I’m conflicted because she is my child, but I wouldn’t tolerate this behaviour from anyone else…

In a nutshell, with the best boundaries in the world, I don’t see a way forward with this relationship at this point in time which breaks my heart. If feels too risky to open ourselves up to false accusations regarding children again, with all the self care in the world I don’t think my mental health can cope with the future eggshell walking. When we try to clarify the issue with her it’s vague and ambiguous, if we try to clarify the future boundaries I imagine we will be accused of attacking… would appreciate any advice, insights or support, this experience is exhausting and so sad

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ChitChatCharley]

I am sorry - I don't have a recommendation or any advice to offer, just a lot of sympathy. I too am sad and exhausted, and I hate  that others feel this way as well. I have read that going no- or low-contact is often the way to go - it sounds like that might be a viable option in your case. I am currently working to set boundaries with my daughter...it's definitely easier said than done, and I struggle sometimes to follow through.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm sorry that this seemingly minor incident has created an impasse in your family, as unfortunately often seems to be the case when dealing with a pwBPD.

I think you're on the right track about not JADEing.  You see, I've found that blow-ups like the one you describe usually don't have anything to do with the actual incident.  Over time I've discovered, usually there's something else going on in the life of the pwBPD that makes her unhinged, or "primed" for an over-the-top reaction to an ordinary event.  Even something as innocuous or benign as offering her some water could be perceived in a negative light.  When I learn weeks or months later what's really going on in her life, her negative attitude sort of makes sense; it's just that the manifestation of her negativity is supersized, and the timing is off-kilter.  She's unable to control her rage or even explain its cause sensibly.  Everything is supersized when it comes to her feelings.  Sometimes I liken her mood to a simmering volcano, ready to erupt at the tiniest provocation.  Maybe she had an argument with her spouse.  Maybe she felt you were giving too much attention to her kid and not to her.  Maybe she felt slighted, ignored or inferior.  Maybe she just felt overwhelmed by her domestic responsibilities and the competing demands of her spouse, child and family.  And maybe you never find out.  But the reality is, she's blown up over a minor domestic accident that is nobody's fault.  If you JADE and go there, trying to provide context or your point of view, you probably only make her feel even worse.  She might be embarrassed by how she handled the incident, and her brain might twist facts to turn herself into a victim, with you the persecutor. 

When the pwBPD in my life is experiencing an "adult tantrum," I find the best response is usually an "adult time-out."  I give her time and space to return to a more neutral mood.  When she's unhinged, nothing I say will help her feel better, because I think she's so emotional that she can't process what others are saying in a logical way.  It's like she comes with a Miranda warning:  everything I say can and will be used against me.  Only when she is in a more balanced emotional state can she handle a conversation.  And only she can determine the timetable to get back to calm.  It may be minutes, days, weeks or months, depending on what's going on in her life.  During that time, I generally keep the lines of communication open.  Maybe I send a short, neutral text, like "We're having pasta for dinner tonight, you're welcome to join usif you'd like ," but I have zero expectations for a response.  She has always re-engaged, when she is ready.

Indeed it is exhausting, and sad, and frustrating.  I wouldn't be on this site if I didn't need some help processing how daily interactions can seem to go so horribly wrong with a pwBPD, and how to cope with an often dysfunctional relationship.

[AliceOlivia]

Thank you CC43 and ChitChatCharley for pitching in, it’s really appreciated and helpful to gain others perspectives and support, I wish there weren’t so many of us going through this. In my situation I keep going over and over in my mind that I have the facts straight due to the reaction, the punishment definitely doesn’t match the alleged crime…I could be a lot more cut and dried with low/no contact if it weren’t for the grandchildren, they sure tug at the heartstrings.

We have had challenges for the last 18 years with DD and have always managed to resolve conflict, I’m incredibly grateful that she has been in therapy with an excellent therapist for the last 10, I think this is what’s helping her keep the door ajar to us at the moment. She has a partner and two babies under 2, I know it’s a lot and of course she is sleep deprived and has hormones at play, it’s a huge adjustment and easier to make us the villains at the moment. I’m hopeful for better days ahead and I hope yours become easier too.