Having to Hide or Delete Social Media Accounts to Maintain Peace?

[HurtAndTired]

Hi all,

Over 10 years ago I deactivated my Facebook account because my dBPDw. She would pour over my list of "friends" (really most of them were people I barely knew anymore, but were folks that I had gone to high school or college with, or were work connections) and would frequently ask me to tell her who someone was and how I knew them. I know it will come as no surprise, but 99 times out of 100 it would be a woman who she wanted info on. Was she an ex, was almost always the question. 99.9999999% of the time the true answer was no (I did have one or two exes from college where the relationship ended in friendship rather than an acrimonious breakup). However the response to "no she's not an ex, she's_____" was met by a "sure, whatever" and a roll of the eyes. Sometimes it would be worse than that and my denial that the woman that I barely knew from high school or a former co-worker was an ex would be met with hostility that would increase the more that I denied that I had ever had a romantic relationship with the person.

At the time I knew nothing about BPD, but I could do the math and see that the pain that keeping my Facebook account active was costing me was not worth it. I shut it down and have kept it shut down since (I reboot it now and again for a few minutes to see if it still works, and it does, before shutting it back down again). I have otherwise stayed off of social media since, however, I do have an Instagram account that I barely use. She found out about it and freaked out a bit, but I told her that I barely use it and only post family photos on it so that family and friends can see pics of our S3. She let it go, but it is always in the back of my mind that someday it may become an issue again if she gets on Instagram.

Since shutting down my Facebook account, I have learned a lot about BPD. Over the past year, I have put in place very strong, but sensible and reasonable, boundaries and strictly enforced them. By doing so I have taken control of my life back. I have greatly lessened the number, severity, and duration of splits. I have completely ended the DV (a call to the police scared her straight) and have greatly reduced the amount of emotional and verbal abuse from my wife. However, I still hesitate to reactivate my Facebook account. I am choosing my battles with my wife, and this one just doesn't seem worth it. The one thing that does make me sad is that I DO have close friends that I am not frequently in touch with anymore that communicate about social events such as birthdays and other gatherings via Facebook and I feel like I am missing out on opportunities to rebuild these friendships that have suffered because of me isolating myself during the years of abuse that was going on in my marriage.

Is this a common occurrence for the rest of the community? Is anyone else being forced to abandon social media because your SO is so paranoid about your "friend list?" Has anyone successfully found a way to work around this? The problem with Facebook is that even if I am not her Facebook "friend" and she cannot see my friend list, Facebook will suggest me to her as a potential friend due to our mutual friends and family. I also cannot hide my profile from her searching for me on Facebook. I basically just want to be able to have a normal line of communication open with friends and family who live out of town or state, but feel like that is still out of my reach.


HurtAndTired

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[kells76]

Hi HurtAndTired;

I do have some experience with social media and BPD, and I'm sure I'm not the only one here. What a minefield, for sure. For background, my H's kids' mom has many BPD-type traits (inappropriate boundaries about information, for example). Her husband, who used to be H's best friend, and who she was engaged to ~3-4 months after the divorce and married to ~6-7 months after the divorce, has many NPD traits. We all used to be actively engaged in a small subcommunity with many mutual friends.

I'd had a FB account for years before meeting H, and most of my friends on there were part of that same small community. I don't remember what settings I had or if the kids' mom had made a friend request that I accepted (IDK -- I'm not very techy), but somehow she was able to see and comment on my posts.

Even before I knew that BPD might be in play, the way she would interact with my postings struck me potentially problematic. I couldn't put my finger on it but it was kind of immediate interaction on stuff that I didn't think would be that interesting to her. As H and I dated more I decided it was not worth it for her to have a window into my life like that. Again, I couldn't articulate it, but at some level sensed that she did not manage information appropriately, and would use it to gain a "one-up" position for herself ("I know that your husband's brother has health issues, even before you do -- I must be better at relationships than you").

It meant I had a choice. She was not forcing me to do anything -- I was deciding what I was up for. It did mean I had to face into choosing to maintain long-distance friendships another way, or letting them drop. I had a choice to reach out to some friends in another country to get phone #'s etc -- and I still have their email addresses, even >12 years later -- but I didn't maintain those relationships and that isn't on her, it's on me. It does take more effort to engage with long-distance friends/family without social media... you get to decide if you're up for that. I was with some friends and apparently not with others. It's definitely about having a hierarchy of priorities. Not everything can be priority #1, so I got to choose if my priority was faster/easier connections or preserving privacy. Others might choose differently; I'm a pretty privacy-focused person, so for me that tipped the scales. Each person has a unique hierarchy of values, so tuning into that for yourself -- really assessing what your priorities are -- can be clarifying.

I have been able to maintain other long-distance relationships with family and friends via group texts, postcards, making time to meet up in person once a year or every other year, etc. I do miss seeing pictures but also get to choose if I actively solicit them via text or not.

I wonder if the choice of "social media or not" is less important than the assessment of "what's my core goal here". If so, then it's not a "loss" or "letting her win" to change the medium through which you relate. To me, it seems like being realistic/pragmatic (not creating unnecessary/pointless conflict over something that isn't the core issue).

Picking your battles seems wise. If the purpose of social media is to maintain and nurture family/friend relationships, then it seems like shifting to maintaining those through group chats, Zoom, mail, meetups, etc, fulfils your core goal. If she still reacts to that, then you have new information about if her issue is "Facebook specifically" or "you relating to others in general".

The nutshell version for me would be about getting clarity on your core goal -- is the core goal keeping FB/social media, or is the core goal maintaining connection with others regardless of the medium -- and taking personal responsibility for the outcomes that cascade out of that choice.

Hope that's helpful food for thought;

kells76

[kells76]

Another approach to this to consider...

I wonder if there is a way to use the topic/conversation of "social media and our family" to bring the two of you more together or get you on the same page -- get you two having an experience of cooperation.

Next time she brings up your Facebook, or social media, or Instagram, or whatever, I wonder if there's an opening there to say something like "really glad you brought that up... what are your thoughts about Son having social media when he's older"

Are there areas where the two of you have similar thoughts or values about social media, especially in relation to your son? Do you think you could get on the same page that "both of us agree, he isn't going to have social media until he's 16" or something?

It might be possible to roll that into a discussion of "what do you think both of us should model to him about social media... what 'family rules' that apply to all of us equally do you think might be good..."

Trying to see if there's a way out of the dead-end deadlock where she wants to obsessively micromanage something you do, and you feel trapped between rolling over/caving in, and digging in/proving a point.

I'd hope that turning social media discussions away from "you can't... yes I can... no you can't..." into "we... us... family rules... modeling for son" might be more productive.

You know her best -- any of that sound like a doorway in?

[HurtAndTired]

Hi Kells,

There are lots of great ideas in your replies. To make things a little more clear the reason why I was thinking about Facebook in particular was because so many of my friends who live in a city about 30-45 minutes away use that particular platform to send out party invites, etc. I have not been on the platform in more than a decade, but during that time I have lost touch with them due to me trying to hide the abusive nature of my marriage.

Now that I am working on "recovery" from my wife's BPD, an important part of putting my life back together is to rebuild that support network that I purposely let slide for years. My therapist has told me that rebuilding that support network is crucial to getting my old self back and becoming stronger. I do not miss Facebook or particularly like any social media in general. It is merely a means to an end. I could try to work around and text or call my friends often, but we are all very busy and don't really communicate with each other in this way very often. It would just be much easier to be in the loop with Facebook.

By trying to keep in touch with texts, etc. I feel like I am bothering my friends and making them jump through hoops to communicate with me in a way that they do not with each other, which is uncomfortable for me. A text exchange over potential plans can die on the vine pretty easily, whereas a party invite sent out with a definitive date, time, etc. is rock solid. It is these invites that I have been missing out on. I think that communicating via text is pretty normal and easy for most people, but I have neglected these friendships for years due to misplaced shame about the state of my marriage.

On one of the last occasions that I spent time with my friends, my wife got drunk at a New Year's Eve party at my friends' (a married couple) house and started hitting me in the head while I was sleeping in the guest room (we live 45 minutes away and had planned on staying the night.) She cut my ear open with her ring on one of the blows and I bled profusely all over my friends' pillowcases and sheets. I apologized profusely the next morning and drove my wife home in shame. That was nearly 8 years ago and I have still not seen this couple in person since. The husband reached out to me via text last year and we made nebulous plans to get together, but they never materialized.

What makes me upset is that my wife is still on Facebook and is "friends" with my actual friends. She tells me about how she saw that they got together for someone's birthday etc. and asks why I don't see them very often anymore. This is a trap I have fallen in before. If I tell her that we have drifted apart due to her jealousy, she goes berserk. If I shrug it off and say we have drifted apart without being specific why, she will tell me I'm a bad friend and that it's all my fault. If I actually say that I do need to spend more time with them, and I go see any friends, she tries to control when, where, how, and with whom. God help me if I go without telling her first. This is less about Facebook than it is about trying to regain the normal social life that I had before I surrendered my independence and agency to her. It's the final step in getting back to my true self.

As to our views on social media; we both say we are against it, but she spends a lot of time on Facebook. We have agreed that our S3 will not have a smartphone, social media, or even unsupervised access to the internet until he is 16. There are phones out there that make calls, have apps that can only be downloaded with parent permission, send texts, take pictures, and have GPS, but do not have web browsers, or social media. He can get one of those when he is 10 or 11. As a high school teacher, I know what I am talking about here and am very familiar with the research on the detrimental effects of smartphones on children. I see the results with my own eyes daily at work. I suspect, however, that it will end up being me who has to be the "bad guy" and tell S3 that a smartphone is not in his future. She is already trying to buy his love with gifts and toys.

I am resigned to the fact that she will never be at peace with me having any type of social media where she does not control who I can talk to. Heck, she even periodically freaks out about me being on LinkedIn, which is 100% about work. It's 100% about her needing control. For now, I will continue to try to rebuild my friendships via text. It's just so much harder this way. It's an inconvenience, but I will have to admit when I see her on Facebook so frequently I do feel a twinge of resentment. What's good for the goose is not good for the gander in this case.

HurtAndTired

[kells76]

Want to be clear that I'm not advocating any particular path forward. It may have sounded like I was recommending "just text instead" -- that was more to highlight a possible mindset of "I'm in charge of managing my energy and picking my battles, so I can actively choose to text if I don't have the energy for a Facebook conflict -- it's an option for me, I'm a choicemaker."

An equally valid option is radically accepting that she will get upset about you using social media, and skillfully planning and strategizing for if/how you can navigate that. Tuning in to what you have the bandwidth to handle right now is key. Either path forward is valid -- how much gas you have in the tank could be a critical variable in choosing. It's about respecting yourself and your own limitations/abilities.

I think I've mentioned on other threads the "rainstorm" analogy. Rainclouds make rain -- it just is how it is. You get to decide how to work with that. Going outside with no umbrella and getting wet and getting upset about it isn't radically accepting that you're choosing to live in a really rainy place. Neither is staying inside but feeling resentful that the rain makes you stay in. A balance might be: I choose to stay living in a rainy place. I don't have to like the rain. I get to decide to go out in it and do my thing but with an umbrella, or choose to stay in without blaming the rain, or choose to know that I can live through getting wet sometimes.

Resentment is definitely a sign that you're not respecting your own boundaries. If you were to articulate a boundary (rule for yourself) about this situation, what might it be? Maybe that would clarify some of the paths forward?

...

P.S. I totally understand how much of a hassle it is in this day and age not to use social media. I wish we were back in early 2000s tech where everyone was in the same boat with using email. So you're talking to the right person  I have a flip phone but the kids mostly use apps to chat, so I may need to get a smartphone and social media. I do get it about the decisions you weigh as you balance the ease of maintaining relationships with the various downsides of SM.

[15years]

I can relate to this. I used Instagram quite actively in the beginning but not very actively now. My wife has spent the last two-three weeks on trying to make me unfollow an old colleague on Instagram. I didn't and two days ago she checked that persons pictures on IG again and came to the conclusion that I don't need to unfollow her. Not sure what happened or if it's permanent. Her reality is so complicated and black-and-white.

I also deactivated my FB-account, 14 years ago now, because of an incident that upset her. I don't ever remember hesitating to create an account on either FB or IG back when I did, but I would today. So even if I'm more aware now, I'm also more afraid to upset her. Or both.

Like you, having been off FB for such a long time, I mostly feel the need to activate it for practical reasons. My wife isn't on FB either, I think she deactivated it before me, I'm not sure why.

What would be her response if you told her "I think I'm going to activate FB again, to more easily connect with friends."?

[HurtAndTired]

Hi 15years,

Thanks for the suggestion. I have thought about making FB a boundary of mine. As Kells wisely pointed out, if I am feeling resentment it is a clear indicator that I am not respecting my own boundaries. The only issue is that I am choosing my battles and am not sure if I want to choose this one at the moment. I am sure that at some point in time, I will assert this boundary with her and unilaterally reactivate my account. The only issue is that I do NOT want to be her FB friend and give her access to see my "friends" list. That only invites her to scroll through the profiles of everyone that she doesn't know personally (and even some of those she does) and get jealous.

I think my boundary will have to be something like this. "I am going to reactivate my FB account so that I don't miss out on invites to birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, and other important events that my friends are having. This is all I am going to use my account for. We do not need to "friend" each other on FB because we live together and anything that you want to share with me, you can do so in person. What you do with your FB account is your business and what I do with mine is mine." It will not go over well, but neither have any of the other boundaries that I have put in place over the past year.

I am not going to do this in the near future as the ground we have gained in our marriage over the past year of new boundaries is still tenuous and delicate. I would like to see the positive changes that have already been made solidify before I go and upset the apple cart all over again. As I said in my initial post, not being on FB is not something that is super important to me, it is more of an irritation and something that has been hindering rebuilding my social support system as I regain my independence and sense of self.

Thank you both Kells and 15years for the insightful feedback and suggestions.

HurtAndTired

[kells76]

My wife has spent the last two-three weeks on trying to make me unfollow an old colleague on Instagram. I didn't and two days ago she checked that persons pictures on IG again and came to the conclusion that I don't need to unfollow her. Not sure what happened or if it's permanent. Her reality is so complicated and black-and-white.

Important to highlight, thanks for sharing that example.

What would be her response if you told her "I think I'm going to activate FB again, to more easily connect with friends."?

Great question to be asking -- thinking through possible/probable responses can be helpful.

I am choosing my battles and am not sure if I want to choose this one at the moment.

That's fair to be in that place. I think it's healthy to frame your situation as about you, vs about her or her feelings or her anger or her whatever. This is about what you choose and what you're up for, and you absolutely have the ability to check in with yourself and see how you feel and what you can take on. I wonder if this POV will impact your feelings of resentment? I.e., when this situation isn't about "she's forcing me not to have SM" and it is about "I'm paying attention to my energy levels and I'm choosing what I can do", it'd be interesting to track what happens to those resentful feelings.

I am not going to do this in the near future as the ground we have gained in our marriage over the past year of new boundaries is still tenuous and delicate. I would like to see the positive changes that have already been made solidify before I go and upset the apple cart all over again. As I said in my initial post, not being on FB is not something that is super important to me, it is more of an irritation and something that has been hindering rebuilding my social support system as I regain my independence and sense of self.

So I'm curious if this "in-between" time, where you're making a choice not to be on FB for the moment, could be a "win win" time for you.

You could allow yourself a breather where you don't bring SM in as a source of conflict right now, and at the same time, you also could reach out to build your support network casually via those other mediums. Again -- if you check in with yourself and are like "I don't have gas in the tank to email/call my friends in Canada", that's fair, and that's your choice. All the same, it might be interesting to use this no-SM time to reach out a bit -- cards, letters, a text. Doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Even if you decide to wait until you reactivate SM to build those connections, that's still a choice you're making for yourself, based on respecting your own needs and limitations.

Fill us in on tracking your feelings of resentment vs healthy empowerment -- hope you get some good experiences of feeling like you've respected your own boundaries 

[CC43]

Hurt and Tired,

Just from this post I can see why you're hurt and tired.  When my spouse tries to make rules that apply only to me, and not to him or his children--like a curfew, prohibitions about seeing friends alone without him, phones off after 5 PM, constant surveillance and monitoring, etc.--I feel very hurt and tired indeed.  For me, the issue wouldn't be social media per se, but the notion that I have to follow draconian rules, whereas others in my household enjoy complete freedom.  I find the whole thing very alienating and abusive.  So one of my boundaries is, if there's a rule, everyone in the household follows it.  I'm not allowed to go anywhere (like the gym) at night?  Then you aren't either.  I'm not allowed to check my phone for a work email at 8 PM?  Then you aren't either.  I'm not allowed to take a personal call except during business hours?  Then you aren't either.  I'm not allowed to have friends on social media?  Then you aren't either.  I am not willing to be a prisoner in my own home.  I am not going to be bullied and isolated from my friends and family because that's not healthy for anyone.  Indeed, taking this stance provoked many outbursts from my spouse, but I think he could see the inherent unfairness of his wishes (possibly because I repeated multiple times I wasn't going to be the only person in the house to have a 6 PM curfew), and he eventually backed off.

Having said that, I'm not on Facebook at all.  I know that others use it, and I know that sometimes I miss out on fun updates and communications.  However, my close friends and family know that I'm not on Facebook, so if there's an invitation or something important, they'll include me some other way, through a text, email or call.  I don't think it's a huge burden for them to send a text.  Maybe this is a generational difference.

I know my comment could be considered aggressive and maybe even unhelpful.  I guess that to me, facing very limiting restrictions that were infringing on my autonomy was worth the battle for me.  This battle transpired over a few years.  But we have peace now, and I think my husband trusts me more now, because I've pointed out how I've given him no reason to be jealous or worried.  He sees I'm happy when I cultivate some friendships that don't necessarily include him.  He doesn't have BPD, but his daughter does, and I now that I'm very familiar with BPD behaviors, I think he might exhibit some BPD traits sometimes, but not severe enough to be considered BPD.  Having said that, I can see how his daughter "inherited" from him some of the proclivities towards BPD.

[once removed]

The only issue is that I am choosing my battles and am not sure if I want to choose this one at the moment. I am sure that at some point in time,

I am not going to do this in the near future as the ground we have gained in our marriage over the past year of new boundaries is still tenuous and delicate. I would like to see the positive changes that have already been made solidify before I go and upset the apple cart all over again. As I said in my initial post, not being on FB is not something that is super important to me, it is more of an irritation and something that has been hindering rebuilding my social support system as I regain my independence and sense of self.

this seems like a reasonable approach.

theres a fine line between choosing battles and walking on eggshells. change, even the kind thats ultimately good for the relationship, is inherently destabilizing.

you make a good point about the logistical need for facebook in keeping up with social events. while there are people that live without it, most of us rely on it on some level for all kinds of communities. and if youre trying to work your way (back) into a community, it usually doesnt work to try to make it adapt to us.

as you rebuild your support network, consider that it may be rebuilt, in part, in new pieces. most relationships that drift can be very hard, for a variety of reasons, to rekindle. in the aftermath of my own relationship, it was the first thing i tried, and i was ultimately unsuccessful at pretty much every turn. its great, if there's a path there.

I will assert this boundary with her and unilaterally reactivate my account. The only issue is that I do NOT want to be her FB friend and give her access to see my "friends" list. That only invites her to scroll through the profiles of everyone that she doesn't know personally (and even some of those she does) and get jealous.

I think my boundary will have to be something like this. "I am going to reactivate my FB account so that I don't miss out on invites to birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, and other important events that my friends are having. This is all I am going to use my account for. We do not need to "friend" each other on FB because we live together and anything that you want to share with me, you can do so in person. What you do with your FB account is your business and what I do with mine is mine." It will not go over well, but neither have any of the other boundaries that I have put in place over the past year.

as someone who came from a relationship with a jealous/controlling partner, i understand the tendency to want to shut down discussion. it can feel like when you give an inch, they take a mile.

as you regain your sense of self, as you rebuild your support network, and as you heal your marriage, you do not want for these things to be at odds with each other.

of course your wife will not react well to that approach. you wouldnt either. no one would. why? because your opening salvo is "im not only going to have this thing i value separate from you, but you arent allowed to go near it, and its not open for discussion". generally, the practice of "unilateral boundaries" is harmful to relationships.

with a pathologically insecure person (jealous/controlling type), transparency and inclusion (read: not control, not privacy invasion or snooping) build trust.

you know your wife best. you know, ultimately, what is likeliest to be well received or less well received. you are also in the position to best know what is ultimately driving her concerns.

so, if having a facebook account is something you want to discuss with her, then why not actually discuss it? what are her thoughts, if any? you might broach the subject, just to gauge her reaction, or with the goal of listening and gaining a sense of what shes communicating (to bring back up later), because you can work with that.

there are alternatives, as well. what if you created a whole new account (keep the old one), where who you friend is limited to your support network, so that it just serves that purpose?

[overwhelmed2]

FWIW, my situation is super similar. My wife is suspicious of any interactions I have outside her control (social media, work colleagues, online gaming accounts, etc) and it is nearly impossible for me to do social media without her going into surveillance mode (questions like "who are you texting?", "how do you know <this person>?", etc) for any kind of use of online communications tools.

When Facebook first landed it was incredibly clear within a day or two of making an account, it would be the end of us, if I maintained a personal account.

We both shut them down for a long time but, after constant badgering from her friends, she then started an account with both of our names (despite FB not really allowing this) as 'our' account. She will relay information to me sometimes from it (we know the same people) but it is her account I do not look at it or use it directly.

I go to forums like this one for my hobbies etc and she has raged at me for it and I ended up telling her I had stopped but I still look at them on the down low. I was becoming somewhat obsessed with those accounts, to be fair, but it is probably because I am so isolated. :-/

I access this site only from my work machine because it is the only device I can legitmately keep her off of... she made me give her access to my personal devices (phone. laptop) in one of her rage fits. This was a huge mistake as it has resulted in increased surveillance from her and additional feeling of isolation.

[overwhelmed2]

The weird irony here is that all the suspicion and surveillance leads to the person subject to it wanting to twist the truth and hide things all the time. Which fuels the oppressor's paranoia further and is justification for further, similar, actions.
 

[Outdorenthusiast]

Very interesting thread of commonality and a trigger for me.  My W would read my texts, messengers, look at all my friends on FB etc. then grill me on it.  That was abuse.  I had turned off everything and she isolated me to make me 100% dependent on her due to abandonment fears.  

Guess what - we are allowed to have to have friends, private conversations with friends, colleagues, and unique relationships that are important to us.  

Being a SO does not give them the right to control us or who we interact with.  We choose every day to be with them.  They can accept that or not.  They need to manage their fears not us.  If we were going to have an affair - would any of their controlling behaviors actually stop it or prevent it?  No.  This is their issue.

I turned everything back on, - but I changed all the security settings to private, and my passcodes to things I only know.  This has kept the peace in my house while preventing further emotional abuse.   My business is my business - hard boundary.  Everything else is her fear of abandonment and her anxiety that she needs to manage - not me.  I also don’t apologize for my boundary and how it makes her feel.  It is my choice to be with her, just like it is her choice to be with me.  That is what needs to be seen as fact - not her fears.

The common adage of “share your passwords” and “be transparent with online stuff to have a healthy marriage and build trust” I have found to be flawed if you are dealing with BPD who is always distrustful regardless of what you do.  Those are rules for the “normal” playing field - we play on a different field = different rules.

[HurtAndTired]

Thank you all for your responses and suggestions,

I can see where so many of you can relate to this very common trigger for pwBPD. I think that it is important to remember that pwBPD do share many commonalities, the disorder exists on a spectrum and can manifest with very different symptoms and be of differing levels of severity. While jealousy and a fear of abandonment are commonalities that most pwBPD share, they tend to differ on whether they are quiet, aggressive, impulsive, or self-destructive in other symptoms. My dBPDw is of the petulant (aggressive) sub-type and has outward-directed aggression that has manifested as recurrent DV. While she is high functioning (i.e. able to hold down a job and disguise her disorder from anyone outside of the household) her symptoms have been severe and frequent. A little over a year ago my marriage could be very accurately described as scary, abusive, and intolerable. I have made great progress over the past 13 months by being draconian in holding barriers in place to protect my S3 and myself from my wife's unacceptable behavior. During that time my strong boundaries have eliminated her DV and reduced the frequency and severity of other types of unacceptable behaviors.

As I have repeatedly seen mentioned on BPDFamily, there are many tools in the "non" partner's toolkit. For me, at this point in time, those tools are boundaries, boundaries, and more boundaries. I use validation when it is safe to do so, and appropriate, but have to be ever mindful that my boundaries, which still feel very new and uncomfortable to her, are upheld. I am hypervigilant about looking for signs that my boundaries are being tested or crossed. Some of this is completely understandable and necessary behavior for maintaining healthy boundaries, some of it is due to me having C-PTSD from years of abuse.

This is why I am choosing my battles. Once I place a new boundary, I know what to expect. There will be an extinction burst of misbehavior as my wife rages against the new boundary. It will be hell to live through, but as long as I remain vigilant and enforce the boundary 100% of the time, the extinction burst will pass, and she will begrudgingly accept the new reality of me not tolerating (fill-in-the-blank behavior) anymore. This is the "battle plan" from "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life"; you should not lay down a boundary unless you are ready to stick to it 100% of the time.

This "battle plan" has allowed me to claw back something resembling my old life and old self. I am in a much better place than I was 13 months ago. However, I am always aware that old behaviors could resurface at any moment and that my wife would very much like things to go back to how they used to be. Things are peaceful most of the time. Facebook just doesn't seem worth the battle right now. When I decide it is worth the battle I will have to be just as draconian about it as I have with the other boundaries. It will be unilateral and terms are non-negotiable. You cannot negotiate with a delusional and unreasonable person.

To be clear, this is about me creating a safe home for my S3 and myself. Not about trying to have a happy relationship with my wife. She is not at a point in her disease where she is capable of that. Our last couples therapist quit seeing us after 4 or 5 sessions. He is trained to work with BPD and told my wife point blank that until she started going to individual therapy there was nothing we could do in couple's therapy (I have been in individual therapy for years.) My wife is in denial of her BPD diagnosis and refuses to entertain the thought of going to therapy, although she has started taking an SSRI for depression that has in her words "reduced the rage."

To maintain peace in the house, I have to keep all interactions with her polite and surface level. I cannot share deep thoughts, feelings, hopes, or dreams. To do so would be to expose my soft underbelly to her claws the next time she is dysregulated. When she does become dysregulated I try to validate and actively listen but, more often than not, she has also been drinking and starts to become verbally and emotionally abusive. This is when I choose to leave the conversation rather than subject myself to abuse.

Perhaps ironically, this type of "putting my foot down" behavior has caused my wife to respect me more. She is originally from a Latin American country and grew up in a rural family with very traditional sex roles. She sees this as me asserting that I am finally being the "man of the family." I am hopeful that my taking the "steering wheel" in our family and reducing chaos in the home, along with my wife slowly realizing that she does, in fact, need help (seeing the doctor for antidepressants was a huge step for her), along with my gentle but recurrent prodding to go to therapy, will result in her starting her journey towards healing. I know that I have zero control over what she decides, but I CAN clear the path to make it easier for her to make that decision. Until she makes that decision, a peaceful but emotionally distant marriage is the best I can hope for.

All of this is to say that I desperately need friends and family at this juncture in my life, and Facebook is the best tool to make that happen for me. These are friends that I have had for over 30 years and I have been through their birthdays, weddings, the birth of their children, and funerals of loved ones with them. They are more like family than friends. Friendships like that are lifelong, but they do need to be tended to. I am overdue in doing so. While I just do not have the bandwidth to deal with yet another extinction burst at the moment, I do recognize that sometime in the next two months (before the holidays roll around) I need to get on this and make getting back on Facebook happen. As Kells pointed out, the fact that I am feeling resentment is a good sign that I am not respecting my own boundaries and being true to myself.

Thank you all again for your suggestions, and encouragement, and for sharing your own stories with me. It is so very validating to see that I am not alone in my experiences. I will update you on how things go when I pull the trigger on this new boundary.

HurtAndTired