Falling into Place, Finding Hope

[314rabbit]

My spouse is suspected to have BPD, it's been a rule-out diagnosis for years.

We have been having major blow up conflicts over the dishes for months. These are the bullets:

Mine: spouse does not do their part, which requires me to remind them. When I remind them, they threaten suicide. When they threaten suicide, I think that it is an overblown emotional response, but try to support them. I support, support, support, and then we're both too exhausted to do the dishes. Rinse and repeat 2-3 times a week for months. We get roaches. I do yell sometimes because of how frustrated I become, but it is not half as often as we have suicide threats.

Theirs: I yell at them when they don't do the dishes and they think I'm going to kill them in their sleep when they get pregnant (we've been planning a family, but our plans are currently on hold until we can get a little more stable).

So we've been working on it. I'm blessed that my spouse has many years in the mental health space, and has a lot of skills already. They told me that they "got lazy" and that's why this is going on. We bought a DBT manual that they have been wanting for a long time, and made a structure for recovery. I'm reading Walking on Eggshells and our lives have already improved. We're definitely in a pink cloud, and it's not always going to be easy. We're just counting our wins as we go.

I don't expect our lives to be episode free, but I do think that our dishes are going to get done. I felt so crazy this whole time, but it's just no one's fault. It's the way it is, and we can learn skills to get through it.

My therapist is the one who pointed it out from her vantage point. She said that someone who describes these behaviors over and over and over again is likely married to a borderline person. She has met my spouse before during family sessions as well, so I trust her non-diagnosis opinion as something to consider.

Anyway, thanks for having this space. I'm looking forward to learning about my spouse's condition and how I can be a better partner to them.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Hi and welcome

It's great that both you and your spouse have been working on things. Hopefully perusing this forum will also help. In addition to Stop Walking on Eggshells, I recommend Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. It helped me a lot with practical tips on boundaries and enmeshment. Let us know if any questions or thoughts. Good luck.

[CC43]

Hi Rabbit,

I was drawn to your post because of the title, about finding hope.  I read these boards to look for hope sometimes, because BPD is tough to deal with.

Threatening suicide frequently does indeed sound like a BPD trait.  When my stepdaughter was emotionally dysregulated, she would make suicide threats and gestures.  Sometimes it seemed like she did that to gain an advantage--usually to get out of something she didn't want to do, or as a reaction to something that didn't go the way she wanted.  Sometimes, it was a cry for help.  And sometimes, it seemed like a cry of utter desperation.  But every time, it was misguided.  It's not right to threaten to kill yourself in an attempt to solve a problem.  Life is too precious!

If a person is actively considering killing themselves, then I think you need to dial 911.  That way, maybe she'll get the help she needs.  And if you don't call 911 when she threatens suicide, then you could risk invalidating her.  Would she want you to think she was a liar?  That you didn't believe her threats?  What if you were wrong?  You might need to record her threats, because she might make up a story when the ambulance or cops come.  She might get mad at you for doing this, but you could be saving her life.  Maybe after going to the hospital a few times, she'll either get some help that she needs, and she'll learn not to use suicide as a threat.

Anyway, my husband and I often quibble over dishes.  Maybe that happens because dishes pile up daily, and it's such a nuisance to have to deal with them, three times a day no less.  When my adult stepchildren lived with us, the sink would be literally overflowing, and not one of the adult children ever helped with the dishes, though they cooked what they pleased on the stove after midnight.  Come morning, I would be heading out to work in my office attire, and I'd encounter a pile of dishes (and pots and pans and food remnants) left around the kitchen, even though I had washed up the night before.  It was easy to feel irritated about that.

But I bet your arguments aren't really about dishes.  I think it might be about feeling overwhelmed, or maybe it's about feeling unsupported.  In my case, I resented that other adults were living in the house, not working or contributing, while they found it suitable for me to clean up after their messes, as if they were spoiled children.  Resentment is more about unfairness and indignation.  Other times, I've felt overwhelmed, for example when I worked overtime for extended periods, and I have literally zero time for relaxation or leisure.  My routine would be work all day, scramble to get dinner on the table, eat, clean up and then go to bed.  The sight of dishes (or messes) in the morning would be the last straw, and I might snap out in frustration.  That was when I was feeling overwhelmed, and sleep deprivation also played a role.  Have you heard of the acronym HALT?  That stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.  It's probably best not to tackle major projects or get into difficult discussions when someone feels HALT; instead, they should HALT and focus on self-care.

But it's one thing to feel irritation when you encounter a mess, and it's another thing entirely to threaten suicide over it.  You got this right:  threatening suicide is an overblown reaction to an apparently minor inconvenience.  People with BPD often appear to have super-sized emotional reactions to seemingly minor incidents or inconveniences.  I've tried to listen to the FEELING behind the emotions, rather than to the actual words or fact patterns she's describing.  In the case of my stepdaughter with BPD, usually her emotional episodes had something to do with feeling incompetent and/or inferior, as well as feeling overwhelmed.  These feelings led to shame and anxiety, I think.  Her self-confidence was gone.  I imagined how horrible it must have felt to her to think she couldn't handle functioning like an adult, and she was actually terrified about making her way in an adult world by herself.  I think she was SCARED, and this fear basically incapacitated her.  With fear, even little problems seem insurmountable.  But she didn't really understand this feeling, so she'd adopt a victim mentality, and turn around and blame others for causing her problems, while at the same time, demanding help from them--demanding that they fix something in her life.  She felt very NEEDY, and yet she was constantly disappointed that others didn't seem to live up to her (impossible) expectations.  Does that ring true in your case?

[314rabbit]

CC43,

Some of the things you named resonated, which means a lot.

My spouse is a frequent user of the suicide hotline, which helps to keep some of this off of my plate. I'm typically aware that a call is being made, and we have a safety routine in place that was developed during some IOP experiences they have had. I wish they didn't feel the need to call the hotline so much, but I've come to terms with it just not being any of my business who my spouse chooses to call for help with their emotions if I'm not willing to do so.

Since I wrote this initial post, things have settled into a nice routine. We're having fewer explosive fights because when my spouse starts to have overblown emotional responses, I'm less likely to engage because I can recognize it as an episode of BPD. It's easier to separate the person from the behavior these days, and I'm not "making it worse" as I have read and learned over the past couple weeks. Our conversations have changed for the better, and the dishes are getting done so to speak.

So we're not episode free, and things aren't always easy, but we have tools and strategies now. Still reading, still learning, getting better for both of us.