As a septuagenarian, I’ll now focus on me — Not my uhwBPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I don’t think I would've come this far without my BPD Family, and I’m sure I will be back, from time to time. 

But going forward, I know my focus must be on me, not on my H.  I’ve done all I  can to try to get him some help.  I’ve worked hard on learning how to deal with a spouse with BPD. I’ve almost poured my whole life into it, for more than a year.

I know that we are tethered together financially, so I don’t feel like I can  leave. But it doesn’t mean I can’t have a life. At least he’s  not the type to keep me up all night with circular arguments and anger, and I’ve learned to ignore and depersonalize his criticism, when he’s in that mode. 

I will invest more time in my friends, activities away from home that I enjoy without him, my therapist, getting away for a couple of days now and then, journaling, and hobbies. 

When we can be together and enjoy each other, I’ll enjoy those times.  We make a lot of music together, and he’s remarkably normal when he’s musically engaged. 

And that will be my life. I can’t spend everyday kvetching over him, or at least I can’t let him be my main focus. 

Maybe one day I’ll have more compassion and forgiveness — I think it’s needed.  I’m not there yet, and it’s OK.

BTW, his adult children have been reaching out to us more and more, lately. Sadly, it’s become clear to me that they’re not mental health poster kids.  There are a lot of problems in his family. Fortunately, they live far away. 

All of you have helped me stay sane.  Thank you.  I’ll be back.

[JazzSinger]

I don’t think I would've come this far without my BPD Family, and I’m sure I will be back, from time to time. 

But going forward, I know my focus must be on me, not on my H.  I’ve done all I  can to try to get him some help.  I’ve worked hard on learning how to deal with a spouse with BPD. I’ve almost poured my whole life into it, for more than a year.

I know that we are tethered together financially, so I don’t feel like I can  leave. But it doesn’t mean I can’t have a life. At least he’s  not the type to keep me up all night with circular arguments and anger, and I’ve learned to ignore and depersonalize his criticism, when he’s in that mode. 

I will invest more time in my friends, activities away from home that I enjoy without him, my therapist, getting away for a couple of days now and then, journaling, and hobbies. 

When we can be together and enjoy each other, I’ll enjoy those times.  We make a lot of music together, and he’s remarkably normal when he’s musically engaged. 

And that will be my life. I can’t spend everyday kvetching over him, or at least I can’t let him be my main focus. 

Maybe one day I’ll have more compassion and forgiveness — I think it’s needed.  I’m not there yet, and it’s OK.

BTW, his adult children have been reaching out to us more and more, lately. Sadly, it’s become clear to me that they’re not mental health poster kids.  There are a lot of problems in his family. Fortunately, they live far away. 

All of you have helped me stay sane.  Thank you.  I’ll be back.

[Pook075]

All of those sound like great first steps in becoming you again, and I wish you all the luck in the world in achieving your dreams!

[JazzSinger]

All of those sound like great first steps in becoming you again, and I wish you all the luck in the world in achieving your dreams!

Thank you,
Pook075. 
I’m on my way.

[Notwendy]

Yes, and also, I think you have controls with your assets but if you haven't spoken to an elder law attorney, I think it's a good idea to learn from. I did it for assistance with my BPD mother and it has been good to know the information.

Your H may not have any intentions to do financial harm - but it's the impulsive emotionally driven behavior that can do it. Also, if his children seem to be disordered, then they may not be someone to trust either. It doesn't need to be a family member- there are options like trusts, and designating an attorney maybe? A lawyer with knowlege in these areas can be helpful.

It doesn't even have to be plans only for a serious situation. BPD mother kept all her financial information secret from us kids and we didn't get access until later. During a shorter hospitalization that my BPD mother recovered from- some bills piled up, late fees occurred- and I didn't know about this as I had no access to any of it. Now that I do, I can keep an eye on these things too.

With your H having memory issues- there may come a time where he needs more care than you can provide. This is costly. From speaking to the attorney- there is the idea of a Medicaid "spend down plan" and ways to set up a trust if someone eventually needs that assistance. There are laws that allow the other spouse to keep the home but all of this is complicated and so an attorney is the best resource to know about them.

I think it's great that you are going to focus on your own well being and self care- so in addition- this is also a part of it- how to keep your own well being in mind if your H were to have increased care needs- and also how to protect both of your assets from disordered adult children. Medicaid/Medicare is in the US so if you are in another country- there likely are some resources and laws for them too.

[JazzSinger]

Yes, and also, I think you have controls with your assets but if you haven't spoken to an elder law attorney, I think it's a good idea to learn from. I did it for assistance with my BPD mother and it has been good to know the information.

Your H may not have any intentions to do financial harm - but it's the impulsive emotionally driven behavior that can do it. Also, if his children seem to be disordered, then they may not be someone to trust either. It doesn't need to be a family member- there are options like trusts, and designating an attorney maybe? A lawyer with knowlege in these areas can be helpful.

It doesn't even have to be plans only for a serious situation. BPD mother kept all her financial information secret from us kids and we didn't get access until later. During a shorter hospitalization that my BPD mother recovered from- some bills piled up, late fees occurred- and I didn't know about this as I had no access to any of it. Now that I do, I can keep an eye on these things too.

With your H having memory issues- there may come a time where he needs more care than you can provide. This is costly. From speaking to the attorney- there is the idea of a Medicaid "spend down plan" and ways to set up a trust if someone eventually needs that assistance. There are laws that allow the other spouse to keep the home but all of this is complicated and so an attorney is the best resource to know about them.

I think it's great that you are going to focus on your own well being and self care- so in addition- this is also a part of it- how to keep your own well being in mind if your H were to have increased care needs- and also how to protect both of your assets from disordered adult children. Medicaid/Medicare is in the US so if you are in another country- there likely are some resources and laws for them too.

Thanks,  NotWendy. 

I appreciate the information.  I feel like I’m just coming out of a year of trauma and pain, and I’m lucky to still have my wits about me. 

But I know I need to speak with an attorney, and face the realities of my future.  Everything in time. 

Best,
JazzSinger

[Notwendy]

Understandable- you need to do what works for you.

[SinisterComplex]

Hey JZ or as I shall call you...Forever Young ;-).

Seriously though, you are doing what is best for you. Good. Also, we are here to support you and will continue to be here. When you are feeling down or need some reassurance or support then come back. No obligation here and no judgment here.

Keep your head up, be kind to you, and take care of yourself. I wish the best for you sincerely.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[JazzSinger]

Hey JZ or as I shall call you...Forever Young ;-).

Seriously though, you are doing what is best for you. Good. Also, we are here to support you and will continue to be here. When you are feeling down or need some reassurance or support then come back. No obligation here and no judgment here.

Keep your head up, be kind to you, and take care of yourself. I wish the best for you sincerely.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Thanks so much, SC. 

I really appreciate it!

Best,
JazzSinger