Story of my 1st r/s. Is it possible to reconnect?

[ConfusedPolish]

Hi, I am glad I found this forum and in the following post I am going to share my story. I hope you will help me understand what happened

One month ago my relationship with pwuBPD ended. She (29F) ended it. but let’s start at the beginning. Just so you know it was my first real relationship in my adult life.
Some background:
I (31M) got to know her at work around January 2022. She was a junior programmer and I was an aspiring senior who was teaching her and a few other ppl.
We spend one year having casual contact at work and nothing really happened. I know she was in a relationship with her fiancee so I didn’t think anything about.
She always wanted to move to Switzerland and her fiancé got a job there so they moved around the end of 2022. But before her moving we organized a farewell meeting at the bar for her with other colleagues from work. After a few beers there was a lot of chemistry between us, like really a lot. 
She was in therapy for a few months and her therapist told her that she was in a relationship with a narcissist. She accused him of being controlling and manipulative. She officially ended this relationship around February 2023 and moved back to her parents’ for time being. She also stopped therapy.
Then we started texting like crazy on facebook, sharing things about our life. I told her I went fully sober, went to therapy, that my life is getting good and stable. I really wanted to show her I was in a good place with myself, because that was the truth. She reciprocated with telling me what she liked, admired and dreamed of. She was very bubbly then. But very soon it went dark, but I was totally oblivious. It was my first relationship that I thought was going somewhere. One day she said after having a glass of wine that she is a bad person, that she doesn’t want to hurt me. She was afraid that if our relationship advanced further we would be become ‘enablers’ to each other. She even mentioned that she usually needs a rebound after failed relationship and that she didn’t want me to be her rebound. There was even a guy that she was already texting with around the time she was finishing her relationship with her fiancé. She kind of idealized him saying “He has the same soul but in a man’s body. Pity he is an open relationship. I need to be man’s number one”. I ignored it because I had a hunch she wanted to be my number one.

She shared that she had bad relationship with her 1 year older brother and relationship with her mother was lacking and that her father was not really there when she was a kid because of work. There were mentions of history of self harm and depression. I really liked her and I didn’t want to discard her because of her troubled history.
After this, for around a month, things started to become more sexual. Messages about how much she wanted me became more frequent. We could spend hours on the phone talking dirty to each other and masturbating. I was thrilled and didn’t have any self reflection other than “wow it’s PLEASE READing amazing”. At the end of April 2023 she travelled 500km to see me over the weekend. It was kind of a secret, she didn’t shared with anyone where she was going to stay. She came to my house for the first time. We talked for 3 hours and the of course we had sex. As you may expect it was amazing. We spend the whole weekend PLEASE READing each others’ brains out.

Whole May and June of 2024 we were seeing each other over the weekends. Between weekends she traveled back to her parents’. She was planning to move back into my city and find a job so she had to visit to take care of getting a new flat and doing some administrative work. But of course main reason was to see each other. We spend the weekend having sex every way imaginable and talking about everything. One weekend we took a trip to the coast and stayed in a hotel that we used as our PLEASE READ-base and did some sightseeing. We decided to get official. She always mentioned that she had high sex drive and that she can’t imagine not being in a monogamous relationship. It was fine by me.
Then she moved into her new flat in my city and rented a flat 20-30 minutes away from mine. She even jokingly asked if it was ok that she would be so close to me now. I brushed it off saying that it doesn’t mean we will be spending every breathing hour together. I was aware I had quite a few avoidant traits. That’s why there as this magnetic force between us. She was so anxiously trying to attach to me. I was an independent person with my life organized pretty well at that time. I felt that after 2 months of us being together I wasn’t ready to have our lives merged so heavily like she obviously wanted.
At this point we had a relationship but it was still in early stages even though the beginning was really intense. With her being so close to me I stated, more than once, that I wanted it to last and we should keep it steady. She agreed to almost everything I said but to a point.
We were seeing each other around 4 times a week (I counted all the dates) and usually I stayed the night. But there were times I wanted to sleep in my own bad for whatever reason. When I told her that she became extremely sad. I saw her big sad eyes and her sad posture when she was walking me to the door. I felt guilty for sticking to my needs then. She feared abandonment a lot and avoided conflict like crazy. Our conversations about boundaries didn’t have any conclusions. When I asked her about her boundaries in a relationship I was blow away. She told me that there were 3 things she won’t tolerate: infidelity, physical violence and emotional violence. I thought to myself “and that’s it?!” I shared it with my friends and they were feeling the same way as I did. I had a lot more friends than she did. It’s best to say she only had to pillars in her life: her new job and me. It felt like too much responsibility for her wellbeing was in my hands. I started to feel uncomfortable with this kind of power. Her new job was really stressful for her. She had impostor syndrome and spent a lot of time preparing for the next day of work. She messaged me a few times that she was having panic attacks during or after her work hours. Messages like “I am standing on the balcony on 6th floor thinking how hard the fall would be”. I was scared and wanted to help her so I did what I could to engage her with conversation saying that I cared for her.
Oh and one more thing. I always knew she was diagnosed with MS, but her disease was not progressing at all for 9 years and it was caught early. I was afraid at the beginning but after some months I totally accepted the fact and didn’t think about it as flaw. Of course I was asking myself if I could bear such responsibility in potential future but along the way I decided I could if she was the woman I would spend my life with.

Around August 2024 she managed to get hold of her old therapist for one session. After this session I was approached with statement “I to stop just seeing each other and to take our relationship to the next level”. I told her in plain words “It is my first real relationship and I am a little bit afraid but let’s try”. She was upset and mad. She told me “Sorry but I don’t  care about your fears. Are you doing it or not?” It was the first time she was so determined. Of course I said yes. Next day she was quite happy she managed to state her needs. I was relieved we managed to get it resolved. I didn’t think about her behavior after this.
I need to remind you I was in therapy and 90% of my time there I spent to navigate our relationship. I had concerns about her overwhelming need to be with me. That I had some concerns that she is not well when I am not around. It was then when I looked in attachment theory and realized I was avoidant and she was anxiously attached.
Next 2 or 3 months we spend in great atmosphere and we even managed to have a 2 week trip to US. It was great. We did a lot of things together. I managed to convince her to go to therapy even though she told me „I feel like I am being sent to therapy. I kind of don’t like it”. But she went.
In this period push/pull dynamic was more and more obvious. I needed time alone to process stuff from my therapy and our relationship. She wanted to spend more time together. She had a few friends in the city which she met like once or twice a month. I was relieved that I am not the only source of acceptance for her. Nevertheless she was clingy and pushed me. We started to talk about our plans for future. I couldn’t give her any concrete answer if I saw myself as a father, to have kids and starting a family. I never had to think about this stuff and our relationship was only 6 months in. I thought that it was too early.
During those first 6 months she repeatedly asked me if I wanted her the way she was. I always answered „yes”. Those questions appeared especially after she shared something dark with me. In the meantime she was diagnosed with ADHD and that helped a lot with her self esteem in her workplace. I forgot to write that I have also been diagnosed with ADHD and treated successfully since January 2023.
December of 2024 was tough. Something happened and we had a conversation which was quite shocking for me. We were really intimate and she told me she wants me just the way I was and the SHE WAS SURE THAT I WANTED HER. It made me nervous. At once I realized I needed some space to process this. It may sound weird but this whole conversation made me fell really guilty that I couldn’t want her as strongly as she wanted me.
Next few months were hard because I realized that as time went the relationship was getting more and more serious. I wasn’t really coping with that. We were spending less time together as I preferred to be alone at my home to just chill. I was feeling guilty that I didn’t want to spend more time with her. I also knew that every time I told her about my needs and wanted to spend evening alone she felt abandoned and sad. Even though she told me it was ok. But my guilt was rising. At this point we spend around two or three days a week. When we did met she was very eager to have sex. Sex was still great but I felt something was off. Like she was compensating something with sex. I realized that it was happening for the beginning of the r/s.
Fast forwarding to June 2024. I started antidepressants for a few weeks. I started them because I couldn’t deal with the pressure of her asking me about the future. To be honest I started doubting she was stable enough to build our lives together.

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[ConfusedPolish]

One day I went to her place. She was sad, I was really off. We had THE TALK which I initiated. I told her how I felt. That I was guilt ridden. That it shouldn’t be that hard to be in a relationship. That I cannot live with a thought that I am her only foundation in life apart from her job. I assured her that I loved her and that I never expected to be ending r/s with someone I really loved. She didn’t want to let me go and wanted one last hug. I took my things and left. I was totally lost. I don’t remember the next few days. For a week I feel relieved but it ended quickly. After the breakup I was reading about relationship and attachment theory. I put all of the blame on myself. That I wasn’t a good enough boyfriend. All my friends and my therapist repeatedly told me I wasn’t really guilty that it didn’t work out. I refused to believe it. I started to think that all would be better if I wasn’t so avoidant. That all would be better if we planned sharing a place together and just spent more time that way.
I wanted to get back to her as soon as I was sure I could give her what she wanted. We met once at my place because I wanted her to take the rest of her things from my place. But to be totally honest I just wanted to meet her again. I told her all of my feelings and realizations. That I made a mistake and that I spend this whole time figuring out what I could do better to be there for her. I confessed that I never stopped loving her. We kissed and hugged for an hour. Next week was horrible. She told me she needed time and that I was not to contact her for a few weeks. I managed to wait a week and I called her. She was pissed off and cold. She told me she lost of respect for me and now I can experience what it feels like to see her pissed for the first time. I was totally sure that ot was the end.
Two days later she invited me for a coffee after she had a hard day at work. She was distant at first but after a while I took her hand and we had a real heartfelt conversation. I told her I was stupid and made a mistake I regretted. We stood on the street for like 30 minutes hugging and saying we loved each other. After that I came to her place, no sex, but we went to sleep together. She confessed she decided to give us another chance because she knew I accepted her fully. One time  I returned from a short trip and got her a little gift, she broke down with tears and asked „why now?! What changed in the last 3 weeks?! I don’t understand what’s going on.” I assured her that I will not leave her. That I loved her and want to be with her.
I was happy we were on track to get back together. She didn’t want to have any serious conversation about what she wanted. She just told me she wanted to take things slowly, start dating again, and not overthink. She told me that if we just got back together like nothing happened would do us any good. But I was in overthinking mode, I didn’t know for sure what she thought and every day I was wondering if one day she would just break things off. It lasted a month and during this time I was doing everything to spend time with her, I was taking care of myself, gym, diet and all that stuff. I wanted to be the best man for her.  Of course during that last month there were some situations I could have handled better. I was pushy the same way she was before. And she was going distant the same way I did. It was like we switched roles. She was spending more time with friends from work and was growing more confident. She admitted to self harm after the breakup I initiated. She scratched her skin until there was blood. I felt totally guilty about it.

Four weeks after our getting back together I decided to tell her that I knew I was ready to think about the future. Meaning planning to rent a flat together, meet each others parents and all that stuff. I even mentioned that I would love to see a therapist together. She was really happy about all of those things. She told me we can put all bad things behind us. She also mentioned she felt like a bad person and felt guilty because she didn’t want me as much as I wanted her. It came to sex but she was off and distant. I realized that during last week or so sex was becoming more aggressive on her side. We went to sleep without finishing sex. Next morning I had to leave for work. I didn’t expect anything to happen.
3 hours after I left her house, she messaged me she needed 5 days off. I told her she could have told me this when we had seen each other that morning. She called me immediately and asked for 3 weeks no contact. She denied all the things we discussed the day before. She didn’t want any therapy, said it was too hard and that there was no point in meeting and discussing things, because our conversations were always going in loops. I was devastated and spent next 11 days living in hell. She reached out to me after 11 days and broke up with me on the phone even though we live 20 minutes apart from each other. She was cold, very distant. I detected some satisfaction in her voice. She told me that we couldn’t create happy relationship this whole year and there is no point in trying. She told me she suffered from the beginning and had a lot of sleepless nights full of crying because of me. The only self reflection she had was „I know I was difficult”. She blurted some things like „I love u as a friend” „take care of yourself”, “Maybe we will bump to each other some day”, “Maybe we will be able to get a coffee in 4 or 5 months” and other cliches. She even used the argument about her diagnosis. That she never felt assured I wouldn’t leave her when her MS would flare up. I was devastated byt this because during our time together I never once mentioned any thought like this. I helped her with her injections and always took it into account when having a trip. She thanked me a lot of times for my support with the injections.
I was highly emotional during the breakup phone call. I agreed with her decision instantly. Didn’t want to convince her to stay because she was so determined. I told her only wonderful things. That she was the most important thing that happened to me in my adult life. That I loved her and wanted to spend life with her. And that I made all those changes for her. It ended with her telling me not to follow her on Instagram and I ended with telling her I loved her.
I did believe her reasoning for a few days. But now I know that we managed to create great memories and for the most of the time we were a great team. I know I loved her and I am sure she loved me. I refuse to believe that I was only a source of suffering. I helped and supported her through so much stuff…
I don’t know if I was pure idealization on her part but she told me many times that she has never shared so much with anyone in her life. That all of her partners either used her or manipulated her and I always supported her and encouraged her to open up without judgement. I don’t know what’s real anymore. It’s totally PLEASE READed up I am now painted black like all of her exes before me.
Now it’s been 4 weeks of no contact and I am seriously worried about her. I even messaged on of her best friends in confidence that I was worried about her. They just said “I think she is ok”. Of course I wanted to message her directly but I just can’t shake off the last memory of our interaction with her being so cold and sure to discard me.
The only thing I see is her activity status on messenger and WhatApp and she became a lot less active. It’s like she withdrew totally.
I have a great support network and I am grateful for this. I know she doesn’t. That’s why I am worried about her. To be honest I know she probably has BPD and all other stuff, but I still love her and want to be with her. All the self-reflection I did after our first breakup are still there. It took a lot for me to realize I want to have a life with someone and go through with it with this person. My life is getting better slightly after the break up but I am still in a bad shape. I know I can’t wait for her to reach out to me, I am 99.9% sure she won’t do it herself. I am prepared to do it myself but I don’t know when and how.
This whole post is just one big pile of rumbling but I hope it’s coherent enough. What do I do to get back together? I expect a lot of replies will advise against trying to get her back but I need to know I did absolutely everything...

[kells76]

Hi ConfusedPolish and

Really glad you found us. High intensity relationships can be confusing for sure, and if BPD is in the mix (whether diagnosed or not), that means a lot of "standard" relationship advice might not be effective or might even be unhelpful.

We understand that people want to repair BPD relationships and/or stay in them for any number of reasons. Sometimes there are kids involved, other times it's wanting to feel like "I did everything I could", maybe it's financial. Whatever the reasons, we respect that and will work with members to build tools and skills to have the best chance of a more effective relationship. There are no guarantees -- if you think about it, most romantic relationships fail, even when BPD isn't involved -- but working on yourself is always worth it, no matter the outcome.

Two ADHD diagnoses (you and her), MS, and possible BPD is a lot to juggle for a relationship. If I was following, she is not diagnosed with BPD; is that correct?

I hear you that you're concerned about her. Going from daily to zero contact must be a big shift for you. How are you managing your anxiety about that?

If she does indeed have BPD, then she could be considered to have "emotional special needs" that are pretty limiting and take up a lot of space in the relationship. For a BPD relationship to have a chance to succeed, both partners can't both be emotionally needy. She will be -- so it's up to you to work on yourself to find healthy ways to get centered, get grounded, get to baseline, and really take care of your own mental health. It won't be appealing for her to return to a partner with excessive or unmanaged anxiety.

As you think about your fears that she won't reach out, does something seem different now, compared to when you waited 11 days and then she reached out?

Fill us in whenever works for you... we'll be here to listen.

[ConfusedPolish]

Thank you Kells for taking your time to read my enormous posts. I really appreciate it!
I added some details to my story. This reply is going to be a long read too.

Two ADHD diagnoses (you and her), MS, and possible BPD is a lot to juggle for a relationship. If I was following, she is not diagnosed with BPD; is that correct?

Yes, that's correct. She is not diagnosed officially, but I see so much resemblance to other stories about pwBDP. Her behavior is and what I know about her checks out 7 out of 9 DSMV criteria for BPD.

I hear you that you're concerned about her. Going from daily to zero contact must be a big shift for you. How are you managing your anxiety about that?

It's a giant shift. It feels like I've lost my emotional identity. I am completely lost. I still have 'phantom' behaviors I need to control like sending her 'Good morning' messages and impulses to share something with her. I am in therapy since January 2023, that's something. My therapist is really good. I am grateful for her. I also have a few very close friends I can share my sorrow with. They have really sobering effect on me. They keep telling me not to do something stupid, like sending her letters, texts or breaking no contact. I also have quite a few less close people I can spend time with on a regular basis. I try to keep busy and restore myself.
My sleep is still in a bad shape but It's getting better every week.

If she does indeed have BPD, then she could be considered to have "emotional special needs" that are pretty limiting and take up a lot of space in the relationship. For a BPD relationship to have a chance to succeed, both partners can't both be emotionally needy. She will be -- so it's up to you to work on yourself to find healthy ways to get centered, get grounded, get to baseline, and really take care of your own mental health. It won't be appealing for her to return to a partner with excessive or unmanaged anxiety.

Yes, she had emotional needs during our relationship. I can now say that she was needy and clingy. It felt like I was the only thing that could sooth her. Around 3rd month of our relationship we had a conversation that resulted in a question from me "If you could have a perfect scenario for you, how many days a week would you like to spend together?". Her answer was 7. To be honest I felt trapped after I heard her. I reminded her I had never been in a relationship before and for me it's a lot. I made sure from the beginning of r/s that she knew I needed some alone days. For example after my therapy session I just wanted to cool off alone and do whatever(chores, shopping, watching youtube). She understood it but it was obvious that she expected more. I felt guilty every time I told her I am thinking about spending evening alone.
I have to admit after the breakup I initiated in June and after I wanted to return I was needy. I felt guilty I left her, I wanted to repair things so badly and it showed. This time I was the one who pushed and wanted to spend more time. I did it even though she told me the first day I was accepted back that she wanted to take things slowly, date again and not make previous mistakes. It was strange for me to hear that. She was totally in love with me before and now she felt distant.

I knew that after first breakup she expanded her social network a lot. She started to spend more time with her coworkers, both male and female. For the first time she invited 2 male friend from work to her place and tripped on a low dose of mushrooms (we did it together twice while in r/s) and watched some movies. At first I didn't pay any attention to it, but now it feels super wrong. I feel betrayed to be honest. I never was controlling about who she met. In the past she even thanked me a few times after I didn't make any fuss about her meeting with some male friends from work for a cup of coffee. I was totally sure she wouldn't cheat. I am still sure she didn't think about cheating before our first breakup. After the breakup however I am not so certain in retrospective.
To sum up, I was ridden by anxiety about the future. Every day I wondered if one day her feelings of betrayal would resurface and she would just end the relationship. In the end that was the case. The end came after we had a conversation about the future. I told her I was ready to make serious commitment like meeting each others' parents, starting living together and merging our lives more life she had always wanted to. I even suggested we go to couple counselor to avoid repeating the cycle in the future. She agreed, she was happy with it. She wanted to put it behind us and explore the future together, potentially forever. And then she told me she felt like she was a bad person and a fraud, because she felt she didn't want me as much as I wanted her. It made her feel very guilty. Exactly what I experienced in the beginning of our r/s. We went to sleep and the next day she called me and it was the end of the end. She denied everything she sad evening before. "There is no point in counseling. It's too hard to be in relationship together. I love the way you hug me. Our conversations always go in loops. I don't want to let you go. I need those 3 weeks to think". I agreed, it was what she wanted.
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As you think about your fears that she won't reach out, does something seem different now, compared to when you waited 11 days and then she reached out?

So after the conversation I described above waiting started. It didn't take her full 3 weeks. She made contact after 11 days. It was hell for me. I knew she would contact me eventually because she just wanted a break to have time to think. I respected that and didn't reach out at all.
Now it is different because she broke up with me for 100%. She made that clear, but I just couldn't understand her reasons.
She said "We couldn't make our relationship work in a year. We were causing each other suffering from the beginning. I was crying because of you from day 1. I never felt you would be there for me if something happened to my health." Whole conversation lasted for 40 minutes, but it was the core of it. Down the line she told me she "loved" me a friend and that she wanted me to eat (she knew that don't eat much when stressed) and maybe in the future we would bump into each other and maybe have a talk. She was distant, cold and I could sense she felt empowered. It was a mess. I told her I love her and I wanted to be with her because she was the love of my life. I poured my heart out and only spoke well about her even though I knew it was the end.
I just can't accept how she forgot all the support I gave her throughout that year together. How she was grateful for me. How different I was from her past relationships because I was non-judgemental and patient with her. That she always felt accepted and loved and cared for. That I always encouraged her to tell me things honestly and stand up for herself. And of course that she never experienced such amazing sex with anyone before. I didn't make it up. These are her words I can still find in our conversation on fb and in my memories of our talks together.
That's why I think she won't reach out. From her perspective it's done deal. She also mentioned that she never gave anyone a second chance.
I just hope she will self-reflect, on her own or with her therapist. Maybe when emotions cool down It will be possible for me to reach out. My brain is constantly trying to think of a scenario when reconciliation is possible.