Who do I tell if I think my wife has BPD?r.

[nesta]

Hello,

I’ve posted a few times on here but it’s been a while. After being referred to this site and the book called Walking on Eggshells almost 2 years ago by a friend whose wife was formally diagnosed with BPD and is bipolar, I thought my wife had BPD or at least seems to have BPD like traits. We had a rollercoaster of a summer in 2023. Since then I kinda got away from the realization or reality that she may have this condition. I have been in regular counselling for the past few years for my own issues and we have discussed my wife and her outbursts/behavior. I’ve focused on my reactions and navigating life living with someone who may have BPD since then and it has helped me a lot. I definitely made some mistakes during this process. I accused her of having this condition during one of her/our blowouts last summer. I also made the mistake of insisting she go to counselling with me. After a tumultuous summer in 2023 I was exhausted and had had enough. She is aware that I will not continue living like this. And I assume she has looked into BPD. The one counselling session she attended with me went nowhere and she has not gone back whereas I continued to go alone. It’s too bad because the techniques I learned have helped me immensely and I’m confident would help her too if only she would have listened and tried.

She is extremely sensitive and finds me cheating on her in anything I do. It stems from her past relationship where the father of her two children had an affair on her for years and gaslit her/lied only for it to be true in the end. It is not a lie on her part as it has been corroborated. Otherwise I would think it was all a lie given her suspected condition. Ironically, she is a very honest person and is not prone to lying. Quite the opposite, she despises liars and is highly sensitive to any lies or deceit. She is clearly traumatized from this past relationship and brings it into ours. This is a huge trigger for her and will set off her BPD behavior. Every argument (from my perspective caused by her paranoia and behavior) becomes a 10/10 for her. There is just no scale when it comes to her anger/behavior. It almost always becomes a relationship ending discussion and causes me a lot of internal chaos.

When she “breaks” or whatever it is called when she is in her abnormal state of mind and we are arguing, she always threatens/implies that we “we are not good” and her go to behavior is to threaten to leave. Which used to cause me a sense of panic and chaos. Which would then bait me into getting into it with her and then I would caught up in her drama. After last summer, I was exhausted and during one of her outbursts and resultant threats, I told her that it hurts me when she threatens to end our marriage over something I perceive to be trivial and that it causes me a lot of stress. I’ve worked through this as I think my own fears of abandonment were triggered by this behavior. I have addressed this through counselling. However, when I’m caught up in her outbursts/chaos, and she is threatening to leave or we’re having a relationship ending discussion, sometimes I will get caught up in it again and then when thinking about it afterwards, I realize what is going on. I know she won’t leave. She has basically admitted it. So I just try to focus on staying calm and not taking the bait.

Things seemed to have calmed down overall since last summer until last weekend where she had another major “break” after her behavior was witnessed by the aforementioned friends whose wife has BPD. I’ll save recounting the details but my friends wife (we are all friends) reached out to mine via text afterwards and it basically came to light that I was talking to them about my wife and our relationship drama - my wife was furious. It ended up causing another weekend of pouting, catastrophizing in her head while I tried to walk around on eggshells only for it to end up in another relationship ending argument. During which, she ultimately stated that she does not want to get help. She said she is ok with who she is when I challenged her on the acceptability of her behavior.

During this last episode, I was talking to my above mentioned friend and researching BPD again. Now I am 100% convinced she either has BPD or at least BPD like traits. And if not, then she clearly has some mental health or behavior issues that need addressing. They are not ok.

Since then, perhaps I’ve been hyper aware, but I’m observing her with a renewed sense of caution/scrutiny as I see it now in all that she does. For a while I thought I may have been wrong about it since the major blowouts and outbursts deceased in severity and frequency. But the behaviors are there. The rapid swings from joy/happy to extreme anger. The ideation then devaluation I read about is clearly present. Her insecurity and poor body image - that is all my fault of course, despite admittedly being present since she was a teen. I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist but I’ve read the DSM criteria and she seems to have at least 5/9 criteria. However, she is not self destructive per se.

So, that’s a long winded explanation and lead up to my questions.

1) What does one do when their partner has this condition or something similar but refuses to address or acknowledge it?

2) Who do you tell in your life about it?
I have told a few close friends/family and even coworkers about it due to the resultant state of chaos I find myself in during these episodes as I don’t know what to do. But then I feel terrible talking about my wife in this way and I feel sneaky and bad for doing so. Plus, I don’t want her stigmatized or have them judge her. Because they don’t get to see her behavior typically, so it remains hidden. And when she isn’t experiencing these extremes she is otherwise apparently “normal” other than all the little things that occur that indicate to me that she is borderline.

3) What if I’m totally wrong and playing psychologist/psychiatrist?
I feel really bad that she knows that I think she has BPD, especially if she doesn’t.


What’s really weird to me is that after our “blowout” last weekend, she acted like absolutely nothing is wrong. And for me, it’s like, hey, there’s a huge elephant in the room over there - we might want to address that!? But she seems completely content to act as if nothing has happened. Until the next time…..

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi nesta and welcome back 

It's definitely a lengthy process to turn around long-term relational dynamics, as I'm sure you're aware.

Your analysis here makes sense:

When she “breaks” or whatever it is called when she is in her abnormal state of mind and we are arguing, she always threatens/implies that we “we are not good” and her go to behaviour is to threaten to leave. Which used to cause me a sense of panic and chaos. Which would bait me into getting into it with her and then I would caught up in her drama.

She has a negative inner feeling (perhaps started by some experience that has a framework that reminds her of being betrayed), which, because she is impaired in emotional regulation, leads into her escalating. An argument starts between you two, and neither of you are able to deescalate it. She makes a statement that you two are NOT good, and then she threatens to leave. Hearing threats that she'll leave is triggering for you and difficult for you to come down from. You take the bait and stay engaged in the argument.

It makes sense that the two of you kind of feed off of each other's fears/hurts in these conflicts. I bet that neither of you feels heard, not just in terms of content, but in terms of feelings.

when I’m caught up in her outbursts/chaos, and she is threatening to leave or we’re having a relationship ending discussion, sometimes I will get caught up in it and then when thinking about it afterwards, I realize what is going on.

That's an important realization to have. Right now there's a disconnect between the timeline of the conflict happening, and the timeline of when you have some WiseMind insight (integration of your thinking mind and your emotional mind) about what's going on. First the conflict happens/escalates, only later are you catching "oh, THAT'S what was going on".

It sounds like it'd be more effective if you could have that awareness kick in much earlier in the process. Whatever she is able to or chooses to do or not do, your contribution is under your control, and if you can decrease your contribution to the conflict, maybe things will become more livable for you.

...

Right now, as you're sitting at the computer (or phone or whatever ), not actively in conflict, maybe you're more at a baseline and more able to analyze your conflict patterns.

Reflecting on typical conflicts, how early can you pinpoint "this is when things are revving up for a conflict that can't be deescalated"? What statements, body language, complaints, tones, facial expressions, inner feelings/sensations (your own), etc, can you think of that could be clues that an argument is escalating?

[nesta]

Thanks, kells76 for your prompt reply. I screwed up and posted my post before I was finished editing it. I am unfamiliar with using this site so just read the help tab on how to post, etc. I still find relying and the quote function confusing. I can see that I quoted my entire post instead of editing it like it says you can within 10 minutes of posting. My apologies to anyone who is annoyed by this and me learning how to use the site. In the meantime, I cut and pasted your reply that I wanted to respond to.

It sounds like it'd be more effective if you could have that awareness kick in much earlier in the process. Whatever she is able to or chooses to do or not do, your contribution is under your control, and if you can decrease your contribution to the conflict, maybe things will become more livable for you.

Exactly - this is what I have been able to do up until last weekend. After literally putting up with it for almost a full 3 days I ended up getting baited in. I have awareness but it doesn’t help when she continues to act the way she does and provoke me for days on end!

...

Right now, as you're sitting at the computer (or phone or whatever  ), not actively in conflict, maybe you're more at a baseline and more able to analyze your conflict patterns.

Absolutely!

Reflecting on typical conflicts, how early can you pinpoint "this is when things are revving up for a conflict that can't be deescalated"? What statements, body language, complaints, tones, facial expressions, inner feelings/sensations (your own), etc, can you think of that could be clues that an argument is escalating?

I can recognize many but this what I need help with. Even if I can recognize it, how can I rationalize with someone who is not rational!? It’s going to happen on her end no matter what I do. That is the crux of the problem. She isn’t able to recognize or acknowledge that she has a problem. And I’m left trying to navigate and tippy toe around her until she returns to baseline. It’s like I’m living with someone who is crazy at times and then doesn't want to talk about it or acknowledge it afterwards. I think one of my main mistakes was forgetting that I’m dealing with someone with a problem!

[nesta]

Hello,

I appreciate the initial response but was hoping for more and a specific answer to my questions. I screwed up and posted it incomplete, initially. I’d appreciate it if anyone has some more input or advice to offer. I have told a few of my friends and family members but I am wanting, or feeling like, informing more of them so that they too are aware of what I am going through. I just don’t want to stigmatize her in their eyes and I’m worried/feeling bad talking about her suspected BPD behind her back. Especially if I’m wrong about her.

What I want to do is address it directly with her and encourage her to get some help. I’m willing to go to counselling together and I have been doing so on my own for the past 3 years. Although, she has no desire and has said that she won’t. My one friend mentioned in the initial post thinks she knows but just isn’t willing to confront it. What does one do if they don’t acknowledge they have a problem and don’t want to deal it? I feel so exhausted being on this roller coaster and living with someone who is so volatile and all I want to do is address it but she doesn’t?! It’s maddening. Like, hey, there is a huge elephant in the room right there but she/we are just going to ignore it forever?

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read my post.

[Lenfan2]

Who to tell?

Unfortunately, this is a minefield because if anything gets back to her, it will be seen as a betrayal and it may trigger something very nasty. So, from my experience, your  first step is to only tell someone you can completely trust not to say anything to anyone else.  Also, I understand how you feel sneaky and bad about it, but given the nature of the disorder that you are dealing with, you're going to have to re-calibrate your ethical compass a bit and be practical for the sake of your own mental health. I don't mean to sound cynical, but total openness does not work well with this disorder and it's OK to keep some secrets in order not to make things worse. You need someone to talk to about her because keeping it all in will wear you down. She does not need to know that. Feel good about yourself for trying your best.

Clergy, attorneys, doctors, and therapists are a safe bet because they are bound by confidentiality. Ideally, you  would know some personally and could discuss things informally while still holding them to confidentiality.  Not all may be qualified to offer the best advice, but I suspect mostly you need a sympathetic ear more than advice.

As far as family and friends, proceed with extreme caution. I went out on a limb with a family member who seemed to be going  through the same thing with their spouse. It helped to compare notes. So far so good, but I worry they might slip up and say something if they have too much to drink at a party.  So sadly, my short answer is to tell only those you can completely trust, who do not have potential conflicts or divided loyalties,  and who are educated well enough to understand the situation.

Also, the general consensus here is that addressing it directly with a person you think has BPD does not go well and is not recommended. Please look elsewhere on this site for more on that.