How common is it for an adult child with BPD to cut off contact?

[Joyinrepetition]

I’m fairly new here, but just wondering how many of your adult children with BPD have minimal or no contact due to being cut out of their child’s life? My DSD has cut out most members of her birth family from her life. She now has a ‘new’ family, her partners family. Is this common?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  I am sorry to hear this!  Well...I am your poster child for this scenario!  My 24 y/o BPD just "ghosted" me, her father & sister, along with her beautiful nieces!  Other than sporadic texts (when BPD needs stuff, I have not (NOT by choice!) physically SEEN my daughter since 6/8/23 (her dance recital, where she put her hand UP and mouthed, "go away" (that was terrible!) it has all been terrible, but...I made it through the first round of holidays, her bday (that was a reallllly bad day) missed Mother's Day, my bday (I suppose I could go on); i mail her gift cards for holidays, with a little note & left her Christmas gifts at my mothers...i am sad EVERY single day, however, (after having a very bad bout of clinical depression during Covid) REFUSE to let myself get (my therapist calls it a "cave" when one gets depressed) in the cave!  please feel to reach out if you like! hang in there!

[Ourworld]

Hi Joy,

I have come to learn that it is fairly common unfortunately. My daughter who is almost 39 has cut me off for 12 years now. We were quite close and I have been told that it’s not that she doesn’t like me or respect me, but that she is ashamed of feeling so worthless that she makes poor choices.

She is a high-functioning and her BPD symptoms are ‘quiet’; she hid her BPD symptoms that kicked in during her teen years. She got through college with several devastating trials and has gotten a masters degree since then. She has genius IQ including a photographic memory and her ex-husband says she was the smartest person he’s ever known (she was married for 12 years).
Which makes you wonder how someone so intelligent could succumb to something like this, but many highly intelligent people ended up with mental problems. I’m definitely no expert, but I think it is because they expect too much out of themselves and are ashamed when they underperform and wear themselves down.

As much as I miss her, I am thankful that she is at least self-sustaining!

Take Care, OurWorld

[Ourworld]

Hi Joy,

I just wanted to add to remember the Three C’s motto:
You did NOTHING to Cause this, you have no Control over the consequences, and you certainly cannot Cure it!

Something happened in your child’s life and the messed up gene in her system (comes from the father), kicked in. My daughter’s father deserted us when she was 11, then died when she was 14-it kills me to say that I had no control over his leaving like he did, but it’s true.
Kids with the BPD gene have a major fear of abandonment ingrained in their minds. Then it kicked in when she became a teenager, but I had no idea and just attributed her attitude to being in her teens, but then we moved and her behavior became bad, but I still thought it was her age and she would get past it.
As far as I understand BPD is a genetic problem that may or may not activate.

It is horrible, but there is not anything you could have done for this to have happened or not happened, it was life itself, since Jesus was the only one who ever lived a perfect life.

I know it’s hard, I pray each day and I think of her often, but the most important thing you can do is to carry on with your own life and pursuits. And never feel guilty or selfish.

Hugs, OurWorld

[js friend]

Hi Joy,

Yes it seems very familiar. I have now been estranged from my udd for 4years now (her choice) Before that there were a few shorter periods of estrangement by my udd and she got back intouch as she was a single parent at the time and was struggling and needed my help with my grandchildren. Now she has a live in partner and has had another child, so I guess she no longer needs my help.

[BPDstinks]

i hope it is not wrong to say, your stories make me feel less "alone" in this...i just had a friend ask, "how" pw BPD could DO this & i refer to the examples, so...while I am very sorry you are all going through this, thank you for sharing some helpful stories and tips

[Joyinrepetition]

Thanks for your replies. I haven’t seen my DSD for over 8 years now and never even seen her 2 children which is so sad. I try to be supportive via messages and do send cards. We do not have phone calls. Contact is patchy and sporadic depending on how she is feeling, but it’s better than nothing as I see it. Long story, which I won’t go into specifics, but it appears she is sadly now in her second abusive marriage, I only found this out recently, but I think spouse is gaslighting her after a violent incident which she is unable to fully recollect, but it has triggered a BPD crisis

[KitKat68]

I’m fairly new here, but just wondering how many of your adult children with BPD have minimal or no contact due to being cut out of their child’s life? My DSD has cut out most members of her birth family from her life. She now has a ‘new’ family, her partners family. Is this common?

Hi,

My daughter (early 30’s, dx’d during her early adult years) we’ve been estranged at least half of her adult life just not all at one long stretch. It started with a few months here, a few months there, then 6-12 months, and currently we’ve been estranged for about 4 years with no reconciliation nor plans to in sight. We don’t communicate at all aside from the abusive emails she sends me a few times a year when she’s drunk- I don’t respond unless it’s absolutely necessary and that was only one time.

I haven’t seen her kids since 2022.and I was particularly close to the oldest. The youngest probably was too young to still remember us now but we miss them both.

My daughter cut off one of her grandparents because she owes them a lot of money she refuses to repay. Cut off my other, somewhat younger kids but she and my middle kid barely spoke as it was. She and the youngest were close at one time but she decided a few years ago she hates their spouse and there that went. My daughter remarried awhile back and invited no one from her actual family.

She has (had) a “replacement family” and somehow convinced them to pay for her second wedding and then split on “mom and dad.” Typical for her. I’ve been told she discarded them but I don’t really know nor care, at least not anymore. The idea of these people honestly used to bother me but with all the much worse problems my daughter has caused since her divorce and all the money she’s cost us …they are welcome to keep taking her on. These people aren’t even her in laws rather a couple we used to be friends with and grew apart from after we moved many years ago.

My daughter also has a history of integrating herself into a set of in laws in a way that is purposely exclusionary toward us I have no idea why she does it but I’ve always been a little curious about her possible thinking behind it. Do you know why your daughter has chosen that path with her partner’s family?

[Flossy]

Something happened in your child’s life and the messed up gene in her system (comes from the father), kicked in.
As far as I understand BPD is a genetic problem that may or may not activate.

Where did you find information that BPD is a genetic condition?
That it "comes from the father".

To my knowledge there is no gene that has been identified for initiating BPD.

[CC43]

Hi Joy,

If you read these boards, I think you'll see that it's very common for a pwBPD to cut off contact with a loved one.  It may be because seeing that person "triggers" bad feelings or memories.  It may be because the pwBPD blames that person for all his or her problems, even if the blame is misplaced.  I think it's also very typical for a pwBPD to play the victim, and cutting off others serves to try to "punish" them for their transgressions, even if the transgressions seem highly convoluted or bizarre to you.  The pwBPD is so invested in playing the victim, that reconcilement might even endanger their core beliefs:  that you are an abuser, that you need to be cut out of her life, that you deserve to be punished for all the ways you've wronged her, and that you owe her.  It's her misguided way of saying, you're the reason she's so messed up, and it hurts, and she wants to hurt you back, so you know the extent of the pain you've caused.  By the same token, maybe it's hard for her maintain this fiction, and she might avoid you because she can't bear the shame of apologizing or taking responsibility.  Maybe deep down she's embarrassed at her behavior and her failure to cope as an adult, and she's avoiding you, thinking you will judge her harshly.  There's a chance that she might think, you're going to call her out on her baloney, and that she needs to let go of grudges, and that it's time for her to move on and/or grow up.  But she's not ready, she can't get past the past.  And if she's not the victim anymore, she loses the core of her identity, and then she'd be completely lost!  Typically, when stress mounts in her life, or she faces a new disappointment, she'll reach out and send a nasty text.  I think that just serves as a reminder to herself (and you) that you're the bad guy in her world, and to reinforce her victim status.

The pwBPD in my life will go through cycles of cutting people out of her life.  She might approach her estranged parents if she wants something (money, a co-signer, insurance, help with moving, help with paperwork, help with the car).  She might try to reconcile with friends or other relatives because she craves having a relationship.  But she often fails, because she insists on playing the victim role with everyone, and insisting that others apologize first, and I think that others quickly tire of that.

[Joyinrepetition]

This is spot on. I totally agree about the victim part being an identity for the pwBPD.
Recently my husband was visiting the city where my DSD, his daughter, lives, as he was visiting some other family members. I suggested to her a few weeks prior she go meet up with him as a surprise and she was all up for that. But when it came to it, she said she was having a mental health crisis and couldn’t go. So I said not to worry I’m sure you can see him next time (we’ve not seen her for 7 years, by her choice, definitely not ours) But during the period of time he was in the city, she posted something negative on her Facebook page about stepping back if something triggers your mental health or something like that, clearly referring to her Dads’ visit . Anyway, so the day after my husband had returned from the city, and I messaged her to say not to worry you couldn’t make it, your dad got on ok etc. to which she responded saying how angry and upset she was he didn’t once think of seeing her and her kids, and how she always felt second best to her siblings, and the one who wasn’t wanted. Then proceeded to go on about how no one wanted her as a teen because she was in residential care. This was 20 years ago, and she was there because of her impossible behaviour that was impacting on the whole family, so for her own safety and the sanity of her family, immediate and extended, she went into residential care. We visited her regularly when she was there too. Apparently she had the most awful time there and suffered abuse from the staff. I was not aware of any of this at the time, so I don’t know if this is true or not. I recently messaged her to remind her, extremely kindly and gently, that she did cut us out of her life when we found out she was in an abusive marriage, and that no one rejected her. I also said we could pursue a claim for misdiagnosis as when she was a teen the severity of her mental health should have been diagnosed and treated. Therefore, I did remind her of 2 things, SHE cut us out of her life 7 years ago, and she was in residential care because of her mental health not because no one wanted her. Well, so far my messages have been read and remain unanswered for the past few days so far. This is not uncommon for her, as she either loves me or hates me it seems. But I reach out to her every month to six weeks regardless if I’ve heard from her or not. So I’ve just left her alone right now. For some reason she didn’t reconnect with us when her first marriage ended, which we were baffled by. She has 2 children we have never seen, but yet she’s angry we have never seen them, despite cutting us off. She is now already into her second marriage, which quite quickly followed on from the first, but is already experiencing problems, and there was a recent physical attack made on her allegedly by her spouse, which she now has no memory of. It was serious enough to require her to have hospital treatment and set off a mental health crisis. Spouse was arrested but released without charge. She is still with the spouse unfortunately. Has spouse convinced her she just fell over? What to do?!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Joyinrepetition]

Sorry it was 8 years not 7 we have been cut off! 

[CC43]

Hi again Joy,

You describe a situation that illustrates classic BPD in my opinion, and it mirrors the sort of behavior from my diagnosed stepdaughter when she's dysregulated.  You're in her area and arrange for a visit.  She stands you up.  Later, she accuses you of not caring, of not making efforts to see her.  And then she dredges up a litany of purported abuse from childhood, lashes out in anger, and cuts you off again.  This has happened with my stepdaughter several times, maybe even more times than I can count.

She has the temerity to blame YOU for excluding her.  It's as if her brain has re-written history, and she either forgets what she did, invents lame excuse (e.g. oversleeping), or lies and denies the fact that she stood you up.  I think there are a few things going on here.  First, there's something else going on in her life that is stressing her out, destabilizing her.  Second, when the time comes for a visit, she doesn't have the energy (mental and/or physical) to fulfill any commitments, as she's already overloaded.  The stress in her life might make her feel unwell, unwilling and/or unable to get dressed and out the door.  She retreats in avoidance mode, because avoidance is a standard coping tactic for her.  Third, she FEELS excluded, like she missed out on something enjoyable.  At a deeper level, she's missing having a healthy relationship with her parents, and she's jealous of any attention the other siblings get.  As a result, she's projecting those feelings of abandonment / rejection / alienation / exclusion onto you, even if the facts behind the feelings are highly distorted.  Fourth, her expectations aren't met, because she expects others to make efforts to put her at the center, while she doesn't feel compelled to reciprocate.  Finally, she's placing the blame squarely on you, cementing her victim status, as I explained before.  Make sense?  All of that seems like classic BPD to me.

[Joyinrepetition]

Yes, you are right, you explained exactly how my DSD works! Almost as if you know her personally! Unfortunately my other SD, who I have briefly mentioned on other posts, also exhibits signs of BPD, and her behaviour is very similar regarding being the victim and cutting off family for seemingly minor issues. But my USD and DSD are in close contact and my USD is the one my DSD runs to when she has any issues…sigh. It feels like they are in collaboration with one another regarding their dislike of the family! I suspect USD has heavily influenced DSD to cut off contact with the family too. USD is the one who has to ‘be there’ for DSD, even during episodes where we were never even aware DSD needed help, for example when DSD’s abusive marriage ended. I only found out a long time after the event that DSD and her kids had stayed with USD for 4 months, until she found a permanent place to stay. My husband and I had no clue. So goodness knows what was discussed when she was staying there! Now DSD is in abusive marriage number 2, and again, recently she went to USD for help, without us being aware she needed help, until after the event. But DSD didn’t tell me this, I heard it from someone else. So it seems she keeps it a secret, for whatever reason I’m not sure. Thanks for listening! I have no one else I can discuss this with, as my husband gets too hurt by it all. And he’s on the autistic spectrum so has trouble understanding and dealing with complex emotions and relationships.