How common is it for an adult child with BPD to cut off contact?

[Parents! Get help here!]

I’m fairly new here, but just wondering how many of your adult children with BPD have minimal or no contact due to being cut out of their child’s life? My DSD has cut out most members of her birth family from her life. She now has a ‘new’ family, her partners family. Is this common?

[Joyinrepetition]

I’m fairly new here, but just wondering how many of your adult children with BPD have minimal or no contact due to being cut out of their child’s life? My DSD has cut out most members of her birth family from her life. She now has a ‘new’ family, her partners family. Is this common?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  I am sorry to hear this!  Well...I am your poster child for this scenario!  My 24 y/o BPD just "ghosted" me, her father & sister, along with her beautiful nieces!  Other than sporadic texts (when BPD needs stuff, I have not (NOT by choice!) physically SEEN my daughter since 6/8/23 (her dance recital, where she put her hand UP and mouthed, "go away" (that was terrible!) it has all been terrible, but...I made it through the first round of holidays, her bday (that was a reallllly bad day) missed Mother's Day, my bday (I suppose I could go on); i mail her gift cards for holidays, with a little note & left her Christmas gifts at my mothers...i am sad EVERY single day, however, (after having a very bad bout of clinical depression during Covid) REFUSE to let myself get (my therapist calls it a "cave" when one gets depressed) in the cave!  please feel to reach out if you like! hang in there!

[Ourworld]

Hi Joy,

I have come to learn that it is fairly common unfortunately. My daughter who is almost 39 has cut me off for 12 years now. We were quite close and I have been told that it’s not that she doesn’t like me or respect me, but that she is ashamed of feeling so worthless that she makes poor choices.

She is a high-functioning and her BPD symptoms are ‘quiet’; she hid her BPD symptoms that kicked in during her teen years. She got through college with several devastating trials and has gotten a masters degree since then. She has genius IQ including a photographic memory and her ex-husband says she was the smartest person he’s ever known (she was married for 12 years).
Which makes you wonder how someone so intelligent could succumb to something like this, but many highly intelligent people ended up with mental problems. I’m definitely no expert, but I think it is because they expect too much out of themselves and are ashamed when they underperform and wear themselves down.

As much as I miss her, I am thankful that she is at least self-sustaining!

Take Care, OurWorld

[Ourworld]

Hi Joy,

I just wanted to add to remember the Three C’s motto:
You did NOTHING to Cause this, you have no Control over the consequences, and you certainly cannot Cure it!

Something happened in your child’s life and the messed up gene in her system (comes from the father), kicked in. My daughter’s father deserted us when she was 11, then died when she was 14-it kills me to say that I had no control over his leaving like he did, but it’s true.
Kids with the BPD gene have a major fear of abandonment ingrained in their minds. Then it kicked in when she became a teenager, but I had no idea and just attributed her attitude to being in her teens, but then we moved and her behavior became bad, but I still thought it was her age and she would get past it.
As far as I understand BPD is a genetic problem that may or may not activate.

It is horrible, but there is not anything you could have done for this to have happened or not happened, it was life itself, since Jesus was the only one who ever lived a perfect life.

I know it’s hard, I pray each day and I think of her often, but the most important thing you can do is to carry on with your own life and pursuits. And never feel guilty or selfish.

Hugs, OurWorld

[js friend]

Hi Joy,

Yes it seems very familiar. I have now been estranged from my udd for 4years now (her choice) Before that there were a few shorter periods of estrangement by my udd and she got back intouch as she was a single parent at the time and was struggling and needed my help with my grandchildren. Now she has a live in partner and has had another child, so I guess she no longer needs my help.

[BPDstinks]

i hope it is not wrong to say, your stories make me feel less "alone" in this...i just had a friend ask, "how" pw BPD could DO this & i refer to the examples, so...while I am very sorry you are all going through this, thank you for sharing some helpful stories and tips

[Joyinrepetition]

Thanks for your replies. I haven’t seen my DSD for over 8 years now and never even seen her 2 children which is so sad. I try to be supportive via messages and do send cards. We do not have phone calls. Contact is patchy and sporadic depending on how she is feeling, but it’s better than nothing as I see it. Long story, which I won’t go into specifics, but it appears she is sadly now in her second abusive marriage, I only found this out recently, but I think spouse is gaslighting her after a violent incident which she is unable to fully recollect, but it has triggered a BPD crisis