Finances

[dtkm]

A little over two months ago, my uBPDh got fired.  He said it was because they told him that he "wasn't performing all of his duties", but I know that it was because new management came in, he treated them the way he treats me and that didn't sit well with them so they decided it was time for him to go.  He got nothing...literally nothing in his "breaking ties" package, to the point that he wasn't even allowed in the building to drop off his work stuff that belonged to the company.  Right before this happened, the company was sold, so he ended up getting a large payout from the sale of his company's stocks, etc.  I had no idea about this, until he told me that he had transferred a good amount of money to my bank account so that I could pay off a joint credit card that we had together that he maxed out, then left for me to make payments on and my own individual credit card as well as the mortgage (that he is supposed to pay) for the month and any other smaller bills.  He told me to let him know if there was anything else that needed to be paid and he would take care of it, as according to him "we were set".

Switching gears for a second...when we were in the divorce process, prior to reconciling, the judge set temporary orders with him paying the mortgage and me paying all of the other bills, splitting all of the kids finances, 80/20.  We have continued this since we reconciled, him paying the mortgage (though I have to remind him each month and he pays it late each time) and me paying the rest of the bills, and all of the kid's bills as he is usually splitting so the kids often ask me for things and not him and he only grocery shops for him, my stepdaughter and if specifically asked for something by the kids.

Back to the issue.  Since being fired, I have picked up having to pay for my daughter's preschool (that he said that he would pay for) and our health insurance.  He told me that it would take a month or so and he would have another job and would take back over our health insurance once he is able to do so.  We are on 9 weeks post firing and no new job...no filing for unemployment, nothing.  During this time, he has purchased a new (used) electric car (keeping his old car) under the guise that I would drive his old car (as it uses less gas as mine), we would save mine for only when we need it (it is larger and fits our whole family) and he would drive the electric car not having to spend money on gas, but he split on me and told me that his cars are his and I am never to drive them again, so there goes that; a new top of the line laptop, as he "needed" it to study for his interviews (mind you he has at least 2 other laptops and until this week hasn't studied one bit); clothes for himself; a trip to Florida to visit his mom by himself; promises of a trip to Florida over Thanksgiving to spend the holiday with his mom; promises that he will pay for our car insurance as it increased significantly after he bought his car (though I had to make the first payment as he split and refused to speak to the insurance agent) and he just brought his original car to the shop to have running boards/steps added to it...its a smaller SUV, but he doesn't want to have to "step up" (maybe 6 inches) to get into his car (he goes to the gym daily so its not a health thing)!

Meanwhile, I have taken on everything, picking up a PRN job to help cover.  I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off...FaceTiming with my 3 D each morning, sometimes for an hour, that I have to go to work as she starts to scream and cry when she wakes up and realizes that I am at work and be the alarm for "my" kids as it all depends if he will wake them up; I still have to grocery shop for all, make dinner for all, do the laundry, clean the house...nothing has changed on that front.  Though, I will say when I look back on all of this, life is way better than before, as I just put very little effort into our relationship when he is splitting now.  I have actually had 2 people tell me this week how much calmer I look these days!

Anyway back to my question...the mortgage is due on the 1st of each month.  After the 15th, we owe a fee, and it hits our credit.  Every month, I have to remind him about the mortgage, he transfers money to cover the mortgage to my bank account on about the 10th and then I pay the mortgage.  This past month, I did the same, sent him a reminder.  He responded back "ok, cool".  He then responded asking what I did with the money he had given me.  I told him that I spent it paying the credit cards off that he asked me to, paying that months mortgage and paying another 2 house hold bills.  He then told me he needed to see receipts.  I told him that I am not doing so, that I am not 2, and to just pay the mortgage...he again said he needs to see receipts.  I told him he has access to all of the bills that I paid off and to look himself (naming the bills I paid off again), and that I don't want to be put in the middle of paying the mortgage any longer, that I pay my bills on time without him having to say anything (as well as a bunch of things that shouldn't be my responsibility) and to please pay the mortgage himself from now on.  I got no reply.  So I dropped it hoping that he would just pay it like usual.

Well, I got an email last week that I forwarded to him saying that the mortgage would be late if it was paid after the 15th, I then got a phone call yesterday, that I couldn't answer as I was in the middle of work from the mortgage company, but no VM was left.  In the past, I transferred money from our joint savings account to cover the mortgage when he refused to pay.  I can't afford to cover it and everything else.  We have enough for 2 more months in a joint savings account, but I don't want to use it as we may really need it if he doesn't get a job soon and he continues to spend the way he is.  I feel like I need to let him stumble and fall, but this is my and my children's house that we are talking about, so i'm not sure what to do.  Any thoughts??    

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Outdorenthusiast]

Oof - you are in a sticky situation a should talk to a lawyer or a qualified professional about this.  Not sure your relationship legal status, and how it influences the financial liabilities. 

Thoughts that ran through my head…
1) What are your legal rights and obligations?  His?
2) What happens in the event of a job loss of primary income earner?
3) What is your path to recourse in the event of not following through to gain unemployment benefits?  (Loans to him? Track of owed liabilities? Alternative sources of funds?)
4) What should you do to protect your financial viability in the event he flakes out and decides to impulsively blow a ton of money out of stress or go down the rat hole of not getting a job because he is depressed and feeling unworthy? (Restrict accounts? / Freeze credit? Put him on a rationed allowance?)
5) How can you protect your credit rating? (Remove him from joint card? Etc..)
6) Are there any government programs to protect your mortgage in the event of job loss? (90 day mortgage pause?)

You know him best, and money seems it is not a strong suit of his by your note.  Likely you will need to be the rational and responsible one in the family - because it is naive to trust that he is capable (my wife isn’t).  Can you have a mature conversation with him and impose a tightening of the financial belt since he has lost his job? 

Whatever you do - don’t wait.  Time is not your friend - lots of money going out while nothing is coming in.  Get a professional lawyer to give you advice.

Not the clear answers of what you wanted to hear, but hopefully it helps jog some ideas. 
-Outdoor

[dtkm]

Thank you for the response.  We are legally married.  While we started down the divorce path, we ultimately reconciled about a year ago.  Prior to that, he controlled all of our finances...which as you can imagine was a horrible idea!  After we reconciled, we talked about combining finances again, but I ultimately decided to keep things separate, because he was upset when I told him that I need to support all of our kids (I have 2 kids from a past relationship whose father has past away) and he was upset that I would need to spend money on "my" kids sports, etc!  So, I decided it was best to keep things separate.  Our combined assets are two cars and our house.  We did have a cc together, the one I paid off, but I froze it so it couldn't be used, he apparently tried to use it, I asked him about it and he denied it, so I had the charge reported as fraud and new credit cards issued that he doesn't know the number to, then I saw that he repurchased the item (with a cc of his own) as the receipt came through on our email.  Our house is the only asset that we still owe on together.  He was the bread winner in our house, making very good money, and he knows that.  When he is of sound mind, he is financially responsible, and we make plans to cut expenses, budgeting, etc.  The issue is, when he splits, all of that goes out the window and he makes crazy purchases and pushes aside all of his regular obligations...I am sure that the mortgage is not the only every month expense that he is not paying.  On the other hand, I continue forward with our plans...but sometimes its hard to do so.  The mortgage company will give us a 90 day pause, he doesn't need it though, and when I have asked him in the past to talk to the mortgage people, he refuses.  I can def do so, but I also feel like I am rescuing him, when I believe he needs to fall!  If this was something that was in his name only (and not something that means so much to me and the kids) then I would just not worry, and let it be...he can deal with his actions.  I have changed all of my accounts over the years to make it so that he doesn't have access to them.  The other kicker is that he often splits when I go to work, which makes it hard to go to work, and especially hard to add more work!  I used to not do it, transfer money from my savings, etc...now I plan work, plan coverage for the kids, let him know and ignore his temper tantrum that is just about a given that it will happen!   

[Outdorenthusiast]

Home and asset insecurity can be a real fear.  Holding a boundary of not financially rescuing someone is impossible when it negatively impacts you and your core needs for shelter.  You are in a catch 22.  The way forward out of this scenario is to disconnect the two.  Find a way to not rely upon him to pay for your shelter.  Either you accept to pay (which seems not sustainable) or you find new shelter that you can afford.  The other door is to get him to pay which you have learned you can’t force another person to do anything - so that is a gamble.  You know him and you know what is and isn’t possible there.

I would recommend to still talk to a lawyer about your options and rights, and also build plan B and plan C to help reduce your stress level and feel good you have a sustainable plan for shelter.