Seeking closure in all the ways I can

[seekingtheway]

Hi all,

Just wanted to come and write out an update from the last month - the last contact I had with my ex was about 4 months ago... we had spoken on the phone and found some semblance of peace and understanding after the intense drama/push/pull/hurt of the last three years, and I was very grateful for that peace and closure, but it was very short-lived.

It opened the door for him to continue with more push/pull behaviour and I entertained it… but in impulsive moments he said and posted some really nasty things (along the lines of me being a psycho) that crossed a line for me. When I told him I was upset, he tried to gaslight me that I was crazy… I ended up fawning and apologising to him as I was all over the place back then and quite obsessed with creating a peaceful ending… plus I was scared about a smear campaign (which he’d done in the past and definitely did with his ex’s), but also if I'm honest, I fawned through a lot of that death-roll period because deep underneath the knowledge that it was over, I was terrified about losing my connection to him completely and the door being closed forever.

Fast-forward four months and with some therapy under my belt, I'm still working through many aspects of the relationship and the damage that was done (I have realised the neglect and stonewalling had a far deeper impact on me than the lying, manipulation, cheating), and I feel like I’m making good headway in working through all of this…  but something was sticking... the fact that he abandoned me in my absolute hour of need (I had some other really difficult things happening in my life), and instead of offering any care, and after all he'd done, my name was smeared and I was turned into the perpetrator… these things I have been unable to let go and forgive.

I know very well from this forum alone that this is common if not the standard pattern. I get why it happens, it makes sense, I understand the Karpman drama triangle. But I am still unable to let it go. I think a big part of it is that I’m upset with myself for apologising and fawning and not standing up for myself. I feel I gave away my dignity and self-worth in those moments.

Recognising this, I’ve tried to shift it in therapy with EMDR therapy, I've written letters to him and to myself, I've done rituals of burning and throwing those letters in the ocean (LOL), I've tried to work through radical acceptance exercises... but I can still physically feel the blockage in my body… it’s in my throat… like I’ve allowed myself to be silenced and my body is filled with grief about that. Not just with this situation but in many situations. So I decided to contact my ex and speak my truth - not the whole thing, but just the parts I mentioned above that are blocked… I asked myself beforehand how I’d feel if it went badly, or I was ignored, or further badmouthed or smeared… I plotted out the outcomes, and I decided the risk was worth the progress I hoped I’d make knowing that I had stood up for myself and spoken my truth. I still don't know if it was the 'right' thing to do, but I decided to try it not for validation or an apology… but for me.

I kept it brief, gentle, expressed gratitude for the good parts, acknowledged he would have been hurt too… but was honest about the parts that had hurt me and left me feeling devastated. Said I didn’t need an apology, I just needed to say these things for my own health, and said it was my wish we don’t have any further contact…

It didn’t go that well. Now I’m completely blocked everywhere, which is okay with me in one sense because I genuinely don’t want to have anything to do with him now… but it still stings in another sense.

I’m up and down with how I feel now, the pain hasn’t gone, I still haven’t let it go completely, but I think its grip on me is less, and I feel slightly better that I spoke from a more authentic place. I recognise that was the last chance to do so. The rest is to be done away from him.

Thanks for listening to the latest chapter.

[tina7868]

Hi seekingtheway! It sounds like you have been through a lot, I`m sorry  .

It`s one thing to understand these patterns logically, another to get on the same page emotionally. These are so many factors at play, all tangled together. Believe me, I`ve been there, many many times. And so I encourage you, as you have often encouraged me and others, to be kind, patient, and understanding towards yourself. You have made so much progress. Keep your head up and be proud of yourself. Keep peeling through the layers and facing your fears. You`re doing great.

Fast-forward four months and with some therapy under my belt, I'm still working through many aspects of the relationship and the damage that was done (I have realised the neglect and stonewalling had a far deeper impact on me than the lying, manipulation, cheating), and I feel like I’m making good headway in working through all of this…  but something was sticking... the fact that he abandoned me in my absolute hour of need (I had some other really difficult things happening in my life), and instead of offering any care, and after all he'd done, my name was smeared and I was turned into the perpetrator… these things I have been unable to let go and forgive.

It`s completely understandable for this to be a sticking point. You trusted him to reciprocate the love and support you had for him when you needed him the most. Instead, he turned around and not only didn`t offer that to you, he made things worse and actively hurt you. I think that there is no rush to forgive him, nor to let go. You are well within your right to be angry. What is important to keep in mind though, in that anger, is that the resolution of these feelings will not come from him. His actions and character have shown time and time again that he doesn`t have the capability to grow or be of benefit to you from you involving him in your process.

Whether he were to apologize (would it have any true meaning behind it? given his history it would most likely be a self serving apology), or if you were to simple lay out to him the impact of his actions (he wouldn`t be able to understand, he would take it as an attack on himself and try to bring you further down), or many other scenarios, the odds are he would make things worse.

I know you understand that. I can see that you`re putting in a lot of work.

My counsellor from years ago said something to me that I thought of recently. I saw her maybe 3 years into what was an 8 year period of harmful cycles and patterns in my life during my relationship with my ex (I had been the one to contact him again many times). She said that I`d most likely keep going back, that the cycle would repeat itself, as long as I had something to learn from it. I don`t mean to bring this up to make you think that you`ll be tortured for the next 5 years  . I bring it up to emphasize that even if it may not feel like it, you are learning with every repetition of the pattern, you are gaining knowledge about yourself, and you will reach a point where you are done. I know how frustrating it can be - these cyclical relationships are tough - but more is happening than you may realize. You are going to therapy, you have support, your progress is clear to all of us here. You have the pieces in place for the outcome to be different.

[seekingtheway]

Thanks so much for your thoughts Tina - it really helps to be able to bounce all of this around a bit to help it to settle in my head. It's been six weeks of no therapy (not ideal!), so I'm expecting a facepalm from my psychologist when I tell her I made contact!!

You are 100% correct in your summary that he would either offer a self-serving apology or he would take it to heart and use it against me. He did both of those things in his response... but I had already figured he would, and so I was prepared. I somewhat ungraciously rejected his vague, two-liner apology (which felt a bit like an insult) and stuck to my guns that the only purpose of my making contact was to just say out loud how I felt. He then blocked me and I have no doubt he will use it against me, but I am at a point where I don't care as much... I know this might not seem like a big thing for some people, but for me, to not care what he thinks about me is huge.

This is the progress that is important to me, that I would no longer care about his response enough for me to feel free enough to speak my truth. I felt silenced for so, so long in that relationship. That came partly from his pattern of punishing me with withdrawal and the threat of a breakup or nasty social media posts about me if I spoke honestly about any hurt or upset I was feeling... but feeling silenced is something that has also come from my childhood, so this is me kicking back against something bigger than him.

I don't know if you'd remember from my earlier posts, but the pattern that was getting me into trouble was that I needed peace... any contact I made with him post-break-up was to soothe things, to try and leave it in a calm, steady, respectful place, I literally couldn't sit with the feeling of there being any animosity between us, so I  would anxiously make contact and try and push a peaceful ending and I would fawn when he was nasty... I did it so many times, which would then open the door to him trying to get back together or at least sleep with me etc.  I've explored this in therapy and why I kept doing this... and I've made the progress I needed to make in order to no longer NEED this peaceful ending.

So making contact this final time was me trying to finally, finally break that pattern. Leaving it in a more authentic place. Standing in some level of power and telling him what he did was not okay, I'm not okay with it... but that I don't need anything from him in order to find my peace about it. That I would get there eventually and that I would always wish him the best and be grateful for our time together, but I didn't want to hear from him again.

I do feel like we are completely done - it IS done. My processing is not complete, my heart isn't yet healed, but I feel confident I'll never go back. And I don't feel like he will try, but then he's always surprised me in that regard so who knows, I can't control that part. I can only control my part.

I'm not sure I'd recommend anyone else do what I just did... I know the more obvious and safer thing to do is process it away from him, but I guess this is such a personal journey, and the intricacies of it felt important to me somehow. There is so much I can just forgive and move on from without needing to go over it with him. There's no way he will have come away unscathed as well. And I feel for him, I really do. But him turning against me at a time when I was extremely vulnerable... and then trying to make me feel crazy when I brought it up... it's a dealbreaker in terms of me feeling safe to have any level of connection with him in the future, and we do see each other in our community regularly. I feel that he will leave me alone for at least a good long while now.

[seekingtheway]

Just looked at my first post and should clarify, there hadn't been any contact between us in four months... I was just trying to re-cap the situation, but probably made it sound like I'd gone back in for another round!

[jaded7]

Hi Seekingtheway,

I just want to jump in and say that you seem to be doing very good work. I especially appreciate your insights into your own motivations and needs, which I think are really important for us to tune into. Especially after coming out of these relationships where our needs and wants are either ridiculed or called 'too needy'. We tend to push our own needs away, knowing the reaction they will get if we express them. So coming home to ourselves and acknowledging that our needs are perfectly appropriate is an important thing to be able to do.

I see it as really brave that you expressed yourself to him, and in a respectful manner. These relationships are all so very tricky, in and after them, that maybe that approach wouldn't work for all...but again I see it as tuning into your legitimate need to be heard and seen, which is a good motivation I think.

[seekingtheway]

Thanks so much Jaded, I appreciate that.

Yes, agreed, it’s not something that would work for all situations at all… and if you’d have asked me a month ago, I’d have said that I had absolutely no plans of saying anything at all now or in the future. And I know with finality that there’s now nothing left to say at all.

I think my need was actually a need to express… a need to feel free enough to speak… I knew I wouldn’t be heard or understood. That would have been a nice bonus but I knew it was highly unlikely. But it was like I needed to prove to myself that I had my own back.

[tina7868]

This is the progress that is important to me, that I would no longer care about his response enough for me to feel free enough to speak my truth. I felt silenced for so, so long in that relationship. That came partly from his pattern of punishing me with withdrawal and the threat of a breakup or nasty social media posts about me if I spoke honestly about any hurt or upset I was feeling... but feeling silenced is something that has also come from my childhood, so this is me kicking back against something bigger than him.

You are seeing things more clearly. You are taking actions from a place of asking yourself what YOU want. This absolutely IS progress.

I don't know if you'd remember from my earlier posts, but the pattern that was getting me into trouble was that I needed peace... any contact I made with him post-break-up was to soothe things, to try and leave it in a calm, steady, respectful place, I literally couldn't sit with the feeling of there being any animosity between us, so I  would anxiously make contact and try and push a peaceful ending and I would fawn when he was nasty... I did it so many times, which would then open the door to him trying to get back together or at least sleep with me etc.  I've explored this in therapy and why I kept doing this... and I've made the progress I needed to make in order to no longer NEED this peaceful ending.

I do remember, and that is why I can confidently say that you have come a long way from where you started. The peaceful ending comes entirely from you. He doesn`t have any part to play in it. Knowing this logically, and actually feeling it are two different things. It seems like the feeling and knowing have become more in alignment for you.

I'm not sure I'd recommend anyone else do what I just did... I know the more obvious and safer thing to do is process it away from him, but I guess this is such a personal journey, and the intricacies of it felt important to me somehow. There is so much I can just forgive and move on from without needing to go over it with him. There's no way he will have come away unscathed as well. And I feel for him, I really do. But him turning against me at a time when I was extremely vulnerable... and then trying to make me feel crazy when I brought it up... it's a dealbreaker in terms of me feeling safe to have any level of connection with him in the future, and we do see each other in our community regularly. I feel that he will leave me alone for at least a good long while now.

There is no one size fits all way to move forward from such an experience. You are finding what works for you. Your past experiences shape what it means for you to truly show up for yourself, what it means to make a change in your life. For you, it meant speaking up. I agree with Jaded - it was brave of you.

By sharing your story with others, they can be inspired and find reassurance, but they will have their own path, and that`s okay.

In this paragraph you have highlighted an important value when it comes to relationships: safety. I share this value with you. To me, when I truly feel safe with someone, I can be myself, I can have off days and trust that they will extend compassion and understanding towards me. When I feel safe with someone, I know that they will have my back. It`s reciprocal, since they can feel safe with me as well. Without safety, there will always be a barrier to trust and fully being myself, and why would I want that? When I can choose who I surround myself with, why would I choose someone who wouldn`t extend to me the same kindness and safety that I would give to them?

[seekingtheway]

Thanks Tina - yes, agree with you - things have definitely moved forwards. I wasn't in a good place at all all those months ago, but I do think I'm coming back to some semblance of health and clarity again.

No, I didn't feel safe in this relationship. At times I did. In a weird way, I felt more at home with him than with anyone else, but the swing of feeling that kind of bliss to then feeling utter confusion and at times terror... it does mess with your head. And overall, the moments of bliss aren't worth the effect the instability had on my mental health.

The sad thing is, I recognise that he clearly didn't feel safe with me either. And that's a really hard thing to sit with because I tried so hard to provide that safety for him, knowing that was something he really needed. I had so much empathy for how his anxiety would get in the driver's seat and take over all rationality. I wanted to be that safe, secure base for him to return to. But so many things happened that made it impossible for me to feel safe... so many lies and betrayals, and he was so up and down with his commitment, which was his fearful attachment wreaking havoc... and over time I began to feel huge anxiety and I couldn't hide it. And that didn't work for him. He needed me to be secure and steady all the time, no matter what he was throwing at me. But I've learned that I really do need stability and safety in return - I don't want a relationship that doesn't have that, plus I've learned i do not have the capacity to be a rock for someone else without having my own needs met. I do end up crumbling.

I'm also sad because I know he had glimmers of seeing his patterns and I know he wanted to change, but he didn't know how. He felt hopeless at times. And as much as I'm glad it's finally over, and I'm glad I found my voice and told him that some of the betrayals weren't okay... I'm just really sad for him, and for me, and for the other women he's likely to go on and hurt, and I'm sad that we will now pass each other on the street and pretend we don't know each other. There's a lot of sadness!! But I'm trying to keep hold of the anger too, because that's a useful thing to help me push on to heal myself fully and step towards what is more suited to me.