Awkwardly asking for reassurance...

[thewilltoleave]

So this stage continues to suck but I'm trying to just keep my head down and get through it. As I think about my own future I'd love to say that I feel confident in being on my own and focusing on myself. That's true sometimes, but lately because so many other things right now in my life are rough I'm having a harder time staying positive. And as much as I'm embarrassed to admit it, I'm feeling really scared of the possibility of never finding a person to be with again. And I know logically if I don't, I don't. I still think being on my own is a million times better than being with someone that makes me deeply unhappy.

The last time I was out in the dating world I was a cute 20 something. Now I'm over 30 and the dating world seems terrifying. My self esteem isn't super great at the moment, and I did the really dumb thing and tried to seek out reassurance online, and found this horrible thread on reddit with tons of men commenting on how men clearly don't want an older woman and that's just a fact of life. They want someone young who can give them kids and don't come with tons of baggage and trauma. And it kind of wrecked me. And I'm mad myself, because I know the guys who wrote that stuff are just a bunch of insecure keyboard heroes who have probably never been in the same room with a woman, but it is my fear. That I'm just this older, unloveable mess and no one is going to want someone who has been through all this stuff. I know all the self help books are all about putting yourself out there, being vulnerable, telling people how you feel, but honestly as great as that sounds, if I did that right now and someone rejected me it would crush my soul. I'm just not up for it. I'd love to get there, and I'd like to think when the world around me doesn't feel like it's ending I do feel like I can be that person. But when it comes to the idea of dating, man that sounds   awful.

I think I need to build myself back up again, and like myself more. I need find and set my own standards for what I deserve. I wish things like this wouldn't shake me as bad as it is right now. So I guess what I'm asking is, how bad is it, guys? As a woman over 30, how much rejection do I get to look forward to if and when I ever want to date again?

[kells76]

Hey thewilltoleave 

It can take a lot to be real about our fears. I know I have some fears that are just too much for me to articulate right now. You were able to get some deep ones out on paper here:

I'm feeling really scared of the possibility of never finding a person to be with again.

I know the guys who wrote that stuff are just a bunch of insecure keyboard heroes who have probably never been in the same room with a woman, but it is my fear. That I'm just this older, unloveable mess and no one is going to want someone who has been through all this stuff.

That seems pretty human, to have a deep fear of being ultimately alone, and also unlovable/unchosen. It hits hard. 

How did it feel to post that?

I know all the self help books are all about putting yourself out there, being vulnerable, telling people how you feel, but honestly as great as that sounds, if I did that right now and someone rejected me it would crush my soul. I'm just not up for it.

As odd as it sounds, that seems healthy? Something about your situation is getting communicated to you via your thoughts/feelings/fears. Maybe it's perfectly natural to notice thoughts of "yeah how about NO" about that "go get it girl" advice... when you still have some processing/feeling/grieving to do?

Having a sense of not being ready for rejection of your vulnerable self seems like good info 

I'd love to get there, and I'd like to think when the world around me doesn't feel like it's ending I do feel like I can be that person. But when it comes to the idea of dating, man. That sounds  awful. I think I need to build myself back up again, and like myself more. I need find and set my own standards for what I deserve. I wish things like this wouldn't shake me as bad as it is right now. So I guess what I'm asking is, how bad is it, guys? As a woman over 30, how much rejection do I get to look forward to if and when I ever want to date again?

It seems like the answer is "it depends" based on how/where you approach dating, maybe.

Are you involved in any interest-based groups (hiking, cooking, community service, spiritual/religious practice, etc)?

[HealthTeacher]

I completely hear you, but trust and believe your age is not going to be a problem. I am closer to 40 than 30 and, if anything, I have to chase the younger boys away with a damn stick.

The only thing that you may have said that's true is that people don't want to deal with your baggage. The way I see baggage is this: it's only baggage if you are still carrying it. Your baggage shouldn't be someone else's problem and we cannot expect anyone to carry it but us. Our potential partners are not responsible for it, but a good partner can help clear things out of your way as you carry it... but it is never their responsibility. You must find a way to overcome this experience mentally and emotionally so that it doesn't become their "problem." Therapy, therapy, therapy. Support from friends. Personal accountability for recognizing, sitting with, and processing emotions. Take active steps to identify weak spots and strengthen them yourself. If you are still feeling this way, you are not ready to date. What's more, you don't want to meet the person who could actually be a good match to early in this process and potentially act like a hot mess or show signs that you are still not over the previous experience. If you take your mental health and romantic future seriously, then you will get back out there and make sure you (a) look for red flags (but not in a hypervigilant way that can show others that you're a bit of a tinderbox), (b) go SLOW so that you can re-learn your value and sit with the uncomfortable feelings/anxiety that may come with a bit more force now, and (c) use what you have learned about your needs from this horrible experience to communicate openly and honestly with future partners. Also, just know that if you are signaling that you are emotionally wounded, you may attract bad actors who wish to take advantage of that...

You are NOT too old. You are NOT. You are absolutely not. No way. Not even close.

Drop the fantasies you had developed. We fall in love with those. Our fantasy of the future becomes intertwined with the relationship so that when that's gone, we feel like our future is, too.  I think one of the hardest things I had to do when getting back into dating was to mourn over and accept that the future I wanted with him would actually be hell. What I wanted, which was a picture painted by both of us, would never be. I know that I can have any future I want.

I went back into dating looking for a replacement... a new actor for the same movie. This made dating frustrating because I wanted someone who wanted the same fantasy that my ex and I drafted together. Even though it would be out there, I was putting myself in a dating prison. I was convinced that my "needs" were this fantasy. They are NOT. The more I dated and the more space I got from this (with all the therapy and support I needed), the fantasy faded away and my mind made room for soooo many new ideas of what a future could look like that I would enjoy... and new futures became exciting and not scary. These possibilities are endless. You regain your confidence. You take back control. You let people back in... and instead of interviewing them to see if they can replace the previous lead in your romance movie... you recognize the lead is you...

I have been falling back in love with my single life, which helped bring the men I want in. It's a powerful thing... and if you told me this would happen 3 months ago, I wouldn't believe you. The more OK I became... the more I healed... It was like I was calling these men in... indirectly. The healthier I became, the higher value the men were that noticed me and courted me. Heal yourself and things will happen naturally. It will take time, but it is so so so so painfully worth it.

Get your groove back.

[SinisterComplex]

So this stage continues to suck but I'm trying to just keep my head down and get through it. As I think about my own future I'd love to say that I feel confident in being on my own and focusing on myself. That's true sometimes, but lately because so many other things right now in my life are rough I'm having a harder time staying positive. And as much as I'm embarrassed to admit it, I'm feeling really scared of the possibility of never finding a person to be with again. And I know logically if I don't, I don't. I still think being on my own is a million times better than being with someone that makes me deeply unhappy.

The last time I was out in the dating world I was a cute 20 something. Now I'm over 30 and the dating world seems terrifying. My self esteem isn't super great at the moment, and I did the really dumb thing and tried to seek out reassurance online, and found this horrible thread on reddit with tons of men commenting on how men clearly don't want an older woman and that's just a fact of life. They want someone young who can give them kids and don't come with tons of baggage and trauma. And it kind of wrecked me. And I'm mad myself, because I know the guys who wrote that stuff are just a bunch of insecure keyboard heroes who have probably never been in the same room with a woman, but it is my fear. That I'm just this older, unloveable mess and no one is going to want someone who has been through all this stuff. I know all the self help books are all about putting yourself out there, being vulnerable, telling people how you feel, but honestly as great as that sounds, if I did that right now and someone rejected me it would crush my soul. I'm just not up for it. I'd love to get there, and I'd like to think when the world around me doesn't feel like it's ending I do feel like I can be that person. But when it comes to the idea of dating, man that sounds   awful.

I think I need to build myself back up again, and like myself more. I need find and set my own standards for what I deserve. I wish things like this wouldn't shake me as bad as it is right now. So I guess what I'm asking is, how bad is it, guys? As a woman over 30, how much rejection do I get to look forward to if and when I ever want to date again?

My dear....first 

Second, cut yourself some slack. Also, take reddit with a grain of salt. Dating isn't easy but change your perspective. Open yourself to the idea of dating just to date and getting to know yourself and finding out what you like and what you don't. The experience gained makes it easier to find the right one. There is no magic wand and short cut unfortunately.

Quit thinking you are going to face rejection. Honestly it may be the other way around and you are doing the rejecting in the sense you start to learn what it is good for you and what isn't.

My dear you are not just going to get dumped on. For what its worth...I have dated younger, much older, various ethnicities, etc. So in saying that...quit viewing your age as a negative. Start thinking of it as a positive. A good guy will like a woman who knows herself and is done with the bs  and useless mind games.

So my advice...focus on what you bring to the table and make yourself available for the right opportunities to find you, but only when you are ready to open yourself truthfully. I think you need to take some time to be by yourself and have some fun and just be happy. Do what you want to do and well ultimately find yourself.

Keep your head up. In the meantime please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[HoratioX]

So this stage continues to suck but I'm trying to just keep my head down and get through it. As I think about my own future I'd love to say that I feel confident in being on my own and focusing on myself. That's true sometimes, but lately because so many other things right now in my life are rough I'm having a harder time staying positive. And as much as I'm embarrassed to admit it, I'm feeling really scared of the possibility of never finding a person to be with again. And I know logically if I don't, I don't. I still think being on my own is a million times better than being with someone that makes me deeply unhappy.

The last time I was out in the dating world I was a cute 20 something. Now I'm over 30 and the dating world seems terrifying. My self esteem isn't super great at the moment, and I did the really dumb thing and tried to seek out reassurance online, and found this horrible thread on reddit with tons of men commenting on how men clearly don't want an older woman and that's just a fact of life. They want someone young who can give them kids and don't come with tons of baggage and trauma. And it kind of wrecked me. And I'm mad myself, because I know the guys who wrote that stuff are just a bunch of insecure keyboard heroes who have probably never been in the same room with a woman, but it is my fear. That I'm just this older, unloveable mess and no one is going to want someone who has been through all this stuff. I know all the self help books are all about putting yourself out there, being vulnerable, telling people how you feel, but honestly as great as that sounds, if I did that right now and someone rejected me it would crush my soul. I'm just not up for it. I'd love to get there, and I'd like to think when the world around me doesn't feel like it's ending I do feel like I can be that person. But when it comes to the idea of dating, man that sounds   awful.

I think I need to build myself back up again, and like myself more. I need find and set my own standards for what I deserve. I wish things like this wouldn't shake me as bad as it is right now. So I guess what I'm asking is, how bad is it, guys? As a woman over 30, how much rejection do I get to look forward to if and when I ever want to date again?

I think it depends on a lot of things. For instance, are you trying to date someone that shares your goals or someone who is in a different station in life (even if they are relatively the same age)? Have you limited yourself too much in some way? For instance, some women refuse to date men outside of their race who otherwise would be perfect for them (and correspondingly, if you're a minority, you might have a smaller pool to reach for the same unfortunate prejudices).  Have you decided you want to meet "a good guy" but excluded anyone who doesn't meet height, weight, income, etc., conditions? If so, you might be artificially limiting a pool of otherwise good candidates.

If you're a man, you're probably used to some level of rejection. That might -- might -- be a different experience for a woman, who now on the receiving end, might be more deeply affected because the experience is new and, yes, a blow to self esteem. If that's the case, I'd just suggest it gets better the more you try. I'd also say if you get rejected, take heart -- that person simply was not a good match. In the long run, you're better being with someone who is, regardless of age.

My observation is that except for the curve balls we might not be able to anticipate -- like being with someone with a profound mental illness or personality disorder that is hidden or explained away for a while -- most of us create our own beds to lie in. That's a hard pill to swallow in some cases, but what it means is that we probably have more control than we think. We just relinquish it too easily out of poor choices due to loneliness, prejudices, peer pressure, etc. So perhaps a good place to start is a self inventory of what you really want and compare that to where you're looking and why. You might see gaps that will help you to find someone in a better place who is a better match.

All that said, there are always people in every age bracket looking for someone. In some cases, these are people already in relationships who are miserable because they made a poor choice. I'm not advocating getting involved with someone already in a relationship. I'm just saying it's entirely possible to meet someone transitioning away from something and who is not in the traditional dating venues, and that includes awful dating Web sites.

[thewilltoleave]

I just wanted to thank you to all who have responded, it does mean a lot to me. It's just been a hard few years and sometimes it's just nice to know people care enough to take the time. And don't worry, I am definitely not in any state of mind to date anyone right now, for their sake  and mine. I think it was just more of these existential fears creeping in as I work towards divorce.

It's a lonely road and sometimes on a bad day, it's harder to tune out the negative thoughts, and you start to believe them. I think I got hit like a ton of bricks by all these huge painful things recently, including a family member's health which is weighing on me the most.

So I've been finding myself isolating more, having a harder time making plans with people, and just not feeling very confident. But I know when I'm the best version of me I'm supportive, considerate and I am fun. I'm outgoing and I love to meet new people and try new things. I have good friends who love me and believe in me. I'm a hard worker and I can take care of myself.

I know what it's like to feel responsible for another person's trauma, and I definitely would never want to put that on another person. So I got work to do. And obviously this would be some distant time in the future, I don't have any burning desire to be ready to date asap. I want to grieve this relationship first. And I have some things from the past I want to let go of. But if I ever do feel ready, I think it's reasonable to expect that we could share the things we have been through and currently struggle with and support each other. And the rest I just need to figure out. I don't even know what having standards would feel like! But I probably need to get them!

[tina7868]

I just wanted to thank you to all who have responded, it does mean a lot to me. It's just been a hard few years and sometimes it's just nice to know people care enough to take the time. And don't worry, I am definitely not in any state of mind to date anyone right now, for their sake  and mine. I think it was just more of these existential fears creeping in as I work towards divorce.

It's a lonely road and sometimes on a bad day, it's harder to tune out the negative thoughts, and you start to believe them. I think I got hit like a ton of bricks by all these huge painful things recently, including a family member's health which is weighing on me the most.

So I've been finding myself isolating more, having a harder time making plans with people, and just not feeling very confident. But I know when I'm the best version of me I'm supportive, considerate and I am fun. I'm outgoing and I love to meet new people and try new things. I have good friends who love me and believe in me. I'm a hard worker and I can take care of myself.

I know what it's like to feel responsible for another person's trauma, and I definitely would never want to put that on another person. So I got work to do. And obviously this would be some distant time in the future, I don't have any burning desire to be ready to date asap. I want to grieve this relationship first. And I have some things from the past I want to let go of. But if I ever do feel ready, I think it's reasonable to expect that we could share the things we have been through and currently struggle with and support each other. And the rest I just need to figure out. I don't even know what having standards would feel like! But I probably need to get them!

Hi thewilltoleave  . Even if our situations differ, I find what you are writing very relatable - so, thank you, for being vulnerable and honest.

It`s understandable that some days are tougher than others when it comes to negative thoughts, especially when there are other stressors involved (I`m sorry to hear about your family member`s health, I hope they are okay). It`s good that you are aware of how your feelings in one area of your life impact other areas, and it`s important to have grace with yourself as you navigate these times. You are also recognizing all the wonderful things about you that make you who you are. I encourage you to extend this recognition and acceptance towards the `not best` version of yourself - when you`re down, when you`re discouraged, when you`re not confident... you still retain as much value as a person as when you are at your best. You always are worthy of love and kindness.

I have no doubt that there will come a time where you feel ready to date again, and when you do, that you will find people who see in you as a hard working, caring, thoughtful individual who they want to build a relationship with. I hope that the responses here have helped you see that there is no rush in doing so. It sounds like you are putting in the kind of effort that will bear fruit for you regardless of what the future holds.

[seekingtheway]

Hi there 

It sounds to me like you're exactly where you should be, and that you have lots of self-awareness and knowledge that you're just beginning this journey. I get that when you fast-forward into the future, it can feel overwhelming - the idea of dating when you're still in full healing mode is actually quite scary. That's your body and mind telling you that you're not ready, and to give yourself time, which you are doing.

But I know when I'm the best version of me I'm supportive, considerate and I am fun. I'm outgoing and I love to meet new people and try new things. I have good friends who love me and believe in me. I'm a hard worker and I can take care of myself.

What you mention here sounds like good clarity - you know this is your baseline and that you have a lot to offer, and you will get back there again with time and a bit of intention.

When you are ready to date again, mindset will be everything in terms of it being an experience you can make work for you... yeah, it is pretty brutal out there in the online dating world. But it's not the only way to meet people. And even if you do go down the online dating road, there are ways to hold your power in that. There's a thing called the 'Burned Haystack Dating Method'... the woman who created it encourages women to approach the whole experience lightly but with a very clear idea of what you will and will not tolerate, and have the confidence to move on quickly from what is not okay...  and she shows you how to analyse profiles so that you don't waste time interacting with people who are not suited to you. I find her method to be a bit black and white, and I'm not onboard for all of it, but I think the main messaging is deeply empowering to women. Might be interesting to you!

Getting to know what your personal standards are, as you mentioned in your post, is a worthwhile exercise and could be such a great way for you to grow and get to know yourself.

In the meantime, try and enjoy this period of time that's just for you.

[Clearmind]

I think I need to build myself back up again, and like myself more. I need find and set my own standards for what I deserve.

Excellent insight!

out reassurance online, and found this horrible thread on reddit with tons of men commenting on how men clearly don't want an older woman and that's just a fact of life.

Hmmm. They sound like real keepers!!! 

When you date collect data....look out for these types of "men" and add them to your do not date list.

I wish things like this wouldn't shake me as bad as it is right now. So I guess what I'm asking is, how bad is it, guys? As a woman over 30, how much rejection do I get to look forward to if and when I ever want to date again?

I split from my pwBPD when I was 36. I am now 15 ish years on the other side of that married with 2 kids. I am now 51.

I can say this in hindsight – we are very very lucky having had this experience.  Many people don’t get this opportunity to really look at themselves and how our upbringing has shaped the way we relate in relationships. We do! We hit rock bottom so the only way is up.

So with this in mind lets rephrase your comment….

"I’m learning to handle challenges better, and I’m confident that I can grow from this experience. I’m looking forward to the possibilities of dating as a woman over 30, knowing that while rejection is a part of the journey, it won’t define my worth because I will know myself better (from this experience) and be able to choose a worthy partner. I will know what I don’t want in a relationship"

I can honestly say that healing and getting a better understanding of ourselves takes effort. This means we might need to put in more work in our relationships because, as our self-worth grows, we’ll focus on open communication, set clearer boundaries, and look for partners who truly respect and value us.