Hey Steeltoes5124, welcome -- glad you found us. This group definitely understands that often there's more to challenging relationship dynamics than "just" BPD. When both partners are navigating different unique challenges, more support can be needed -- we're glad to be here for you.
I'm 40. Wife is 33. I've never been diagnosed with autism myself, but I was parents who were so the tendencies are there. My wife has diagnosed BPD.
How long have the two of you been together?
How long has your W been diagnosed for? And is she accepting of her diagnosis, does she engage with any treatment/therapy, or is she more dismissive of the diagnosis?
We've had our fair share of issues in the classic BPD style, but never felt so hard untill recently. I had what i can only describe as a near death experience during surgery acouple years back. Since then I've have a very disconnected relationship with My body. I went into a deep depression and recently started feeling better. And as i start to feel better myself i feel like my relationship feels worse
It makes sense that a traumatic (my thought is that surgery is always traumatic whether we consciously accept having surgery [planned] or not [emergency]) event would impact your feeling of being present in your body. And I get it that it can take years to come back from that.
What kind of support have you had along the way? Have you looked into therapy/counseling for your surgical trauma? Some people have success with EMDR as a way to reprocess traumatic memories/experiences. Could be worth investigating, if you are open to that.
And whether your W "should" feel this way or not, it is possible that she felt afraid that you would "leave/abandon" her by dying.
One of my wife's issues is that I don't kiss her anymore or touch her. I don't feel like that's completely true, but i can recognize that i am not the most physically affectionate person. So I've been trying harder to kiss her and touch her and hug her, but I feel pushed away when I do. I'll ask what's wrong and she's says "nothing" or "I'm fine" even tho glazed over look in her eyes and everything else says otherwise. So I feel like I'm doing something she doesn't like.
Again, bracketing whether she "should" feel upset about it or not, do you think at some level she is correct in "sensing" that there is something different in how the two of you physically interact?
I'm not saying she's right to push you away or to blame you for taking longer than she wants to come back from a near death experience.
It's more trying to see if there is some middle ground of agreement -- is she noticing something real (despite her inappropriate/insensitive response).
But the like this Most recent example...we had a fight and diring she constantly tells me i dont do anything to be affectionate with her. I tried to point out that I have been trying but I feel like she's pushing me away and the communication, especially in the form of feedback, makes it hard to know if I'm doing the right thing. Trying to say how I felt sent the things over the edge. She tells me we are irreconcilable now. This hurts like the divorce threat plus a Lil bit extra. I'm struggling right now feeling like I'm never going to be enough. Going from being told I'm the best thing ever to being a hopeless selfish jerk . I also feel like it's always my fault If we don't follow through on something even through there's two of us. It's starting to affect my health which affects my jon and therefore our well being.
That does sound really painful -- her words are hurtful, and I'm sorry this is going on for you two.
Something worth noting about BPD is that pwBPD can be extremely sensitive to
invalidation, whether perceived or real, whether intentional or not.
pwBPD may also struggle to use skilled communication to describe their feelings. When they communicate their feelings with words, the words may be extreme, black-and-white/all-or-nothing, or otherwise without much nuance. The
feelings are real and happening; the
way they communicate the feelings may sound like "you always... you never..." etc.
So, when she said "you don't do anything to be affectionate with me", and you responded by pointing out "I have been trying but you've been pushing me away", this is the dynamic:
Her: uses low skill, extreme, blaming communication to convey her real feelings of fear, hurt, and loneliness
You: accidentally invalidates her by
JADE-ing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, or Explaining) to explain/defend yourself.
She has feelings behind her words that she really wants you to hear and care about.
You don't want to feel fully blamed for a dynamic that is coming from both of you, not just you.
As difficult as it may be, it is possible for you to try to break the cycle, if you are able to pause when she says extreme stuff, listen for the feelings behind her extreme words, and validate the emotions behind them. If she feels heard, she may be more able to stop escalating and then hear you a little better after that.
For example, when she says "you never do anything to be affectionate with me", a validating response (note:
not an "agreeing you're right" response) might be:
"Oh babe, that would feel so lonely to feel that way"
or
(and make sure your tone is caring and warm here, not sarcastic/interrogating -- it makes a difference)
"Oh wow... you feel like I'm not affectionate with you?"
...
I know this is a lot right away, so I'll pause there for now.
Again, glad you're here and that we can be here for you.
