Daughter with BPD

[HerMom1989]

This is my first post.  I have had a tumultuous relationship with my adult daughter ever since she hit puberty.  We are in and out of each other’s lives.  I am finally in counselling that is working to help me move past the guilt and responsibility I feel for her being the way she is and focusing on accountability for my role, constructive ways to communicate and establishing boundaries.  Although I do want a relationship with her, I am in a constant state of stress when we are in contact.  If I do not live up to her expectations, then I am cut off and verbally assaulted which brings up all sorts of negative emotions for me (my issue, not her’s).  In the past, I have either avoided her, given her money, done things that I don’t want to do and even lied to her, just to keep the peace. I know she lies to me but of course I cannot confront her.  I have done things as well in our relationship that I am not proud of and am working really hard not to dwell on it and to move forward.  Setting boundaries is very new to me and I am having a hard time with it.  I am reading a book called “I hate you, Don’t leave me”, which has given me some good tips on communication, but I am having an incredibly difficult time with this constant state of dread I feel when she is back in my life. I second guess myself constantly.  Our last big blow up was a couple of years ago and we only recently re-established contact.  I have two grandchildren, one of whom will not speak to me.  I know my daughter has told her things that may or may not be true and I am consistently told how all her friends hate me and think I’m a psycho.  I cannot possibly live up to the model of motherhood that she envisions for me and understand that because of this, she sees me as a constant disappointment.  THis disappointment manifests itself as rage towards me.  She has alienated the entire family, her circle of friends changes fairly regularly, and I really feel that she needs my support.  I want to support her but don’t know how to properly do it without sacrificing my own mental health.  Sorry if this is a bit all over the place, but I am just so relieved to have found a place where there might be others who can understand what I am going through and share what has worked for them.  Yesterday, she accused me of gaslighting her, and I really had to think good and hard about whether or not I was actually gaslighting her. I am SO open to any suggestions, resources, tips, etc.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Mom,

You've come to the right place.  BPD is complicated, and having a daughter with BPD can be fraught.  Have you heard of the FOG?  FOG stands for fear, obligation and guilt, and you might be stuck in a FOG.  The FOG might be driving your interactions with your daughter, affecting how you read situations and make decisions as well.  If you read some of the posts on this site, I think you'll start to see that BPD behaviors can be fairly predictable.  But how to deal effectively with BPD behaviors can sometimes seem counter-intuitive.

There are two other shorthands you might keep in mind.  One is JADE, which stands for Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain, which is what you should avoid doing with your daughter when she's enraged.  If she's attacking you about what a horrible mother you are, and you're the reason for all her troubles, you shouldn't JADE!  If you JADE, not only do you feed her anger, you also invalidate her feelings of being let down.  She might say, you just don't GET her, you're so narcissistic, you don't understand anything, you never listen.  Sound familiar?  When she's angry or otherwise dysregulated, I think her logical brain shuts down, and her emotional brain takes over.  Instead of JADE, you might try to focus on the feelings behind what's she's saying.

Another shorthand is the three Cs:  You didn't Cause BPD, you can't Change it, and you can't Cure it.  I guess the gist of this is acceptance.  Your daughter might be suffering from a mental illness, and she is the source of her own problems.  She's also the solution to her problems.  She just probably hasn't seen that yet, because it's much easier to blame you for everything.  Sometimes I think that the victim attitude is likely the worst part of BPD, because it reflects a sense of powerlessness and resignation.  It's like they've just given up on themselves, and lash out at others--especially the people closest to them--in anger and resentment.

I'll wrap up with one other piece of advice that I've found helpful in interacting with my BPD stepdaughter.  When she has an "adult tantrum," typically the best solution is an "adult time-out."  That means she needs time and space to regulate her emotions, and get back to baseline, before she can process logical thoughts.  Sometimes these time-outs might last for days, and sometimes weeks.  She decides when to resume contact.  In the meantime, you could focus on self-care.  Find a way to make yourself calm.  Live your life.  Make sure you eat right, exercise and socialize.  Get therapy if you need to.  You're not much good to your daughter if you let her make you frazzled, broken and broke.  In a way, you can model how to live a good life, as she figures out how to make a life for herself.

All my best to you.