Daughter with BPD

[HerMom1989]

This is my first post.  I have had a tumultuous relationship with my adult daughter ever since she hit puberty.  We are in and out of each other’s lives.  I am finally in counselling that is working to help me move past the guilt and responsibility I feel for her being the way she is and focusing on accountability for my role, constructive ways to communicate and establishing boundaries.  Although I do want a relationship with her, I am in a constant state of stress when we are in contact.  If I do not live up to her expectations, then I am cut off and verbally assaulted which brings up all sorts of negative emotions for me (my issue, not her’s).  In the past, I have either avoided her, given her money, done things that I don’t want to do and even lied to her, just to keep the peace. I know she lies to me but of course I cannot confront her.  I have done things as well in our relationship that I am not proud of and am working really hard not to dwell on it and to move forward.  Setting boundaries is very new to me and I am having a hard time with it.  I am reading a book called “I hate you, Don’t leave me”, which has given me some good tips on communication, but I am having an incredibly difficult time with this constant state of dread I feel when she is back in my life. I second guess myself constantly.  Our last big blow up was a couple of years ago and we only recently re-established contact.  I have two grandchildren, one of whom will not speak to me.  I know my daughter has told her things that may or may not be true and I am consistently told how all her friends hate me and think I’m a psycho.  I cannot possibly live up to the model of motherhood that she envisions for me and understand that because of this, she sees me as a constant disappointment.  THis disappointment manifests itself as rage towards me.  She has alienated the entire family, her circle of friends changes fairly regularly, and I really feel that she needs my support.  I want to support her but don’t know how to properly do it without sacrificing my own mental health.  Sorry if this is a bit all over the place, but I am just so relieved to have found a place where there might be others who can understand what I am going through and share what has worked for them.  Yesterday, she accused me of gaslighting her, and I really had to think good and hard about whether or not I was actually gaslighting her. I am SO open to any suggestions, resources, tips, etc.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Mom,

You've come to the right place.  BPD is complicated, and having a daughter with BPD can be fraught.  Have you heard of the FOG?  FOG stands for fear, obligation and guilt, and you might be stuck in a FOG.  The FOG might be driving your interactions with your daughter, affecting how you read situations and make decisions as well.  If you read some of the posts on this site, I think you'll start to see that BPD behaviors can be fairly predictable.  But how to deal effectively with BPD behaviors can sometimes seem counter-intuitive.

There are two other shorthands you might keep in mind.  One is JADE, which stands for Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain, which is what you should avoid doing with your daughter when she's enraged.  If she's attacking you about what a horrible mother you are, and you're the reason for all her troubles, you shouldn't JADE!  If you JADE, not only do you feed her anger, you also invalidate her feelings of being let down.  She might say, you just don't GET her, you're so narcissistic, you don't understand anything, you never listen.  Sound familiar?  When she's angry or otherwise dysregulated, I think her logical brain shuts down, and her emotional brain takes over.  Instead of JADE, you might try to focus on the feelings behind what's she's saying.

Another shorthand is the three Cs:  You didn't Cause BPD, you can't Change it, and you can't Cure it.  I guess the gist of this is acceptance.  Your daughter might be suffering from a mental illness, and she is the source of her own problems.  She's also the solution to her problems.  She just probably hasn't seen that yet, because it's much easier to blame you for everything.  Sometimes I think that the victim attitude is likely the worst part of BPD, because it reflects a sense of powerlessness and resignation.  It's like they've just given up on themselves, and lash out at others--especially the people closest to them--in anger and resentment.

I'll wrap up with one other piece of advice that I've found helpful in interacting with my BPD stepdaughter.  When she has an "adult tantrum," typically the best solution is an "adult time-out."  That means she needs time and space to regulate her emotions, and get back to baseline, before she can process logical thoughts.  Sometimes these time-outs might last for days, and sometimes weeks.  She decides when to resume contact.  In the meantime, you could focus on self-care.  Find a way to make yourself calm.  Live your life.  Make sure you eat right, exercise and socialize.  Get therapy if you need to.  You're not much good to your daughter if you let her make you frazzled, broken and broke.  In a way, you can model how to live a good life, as she figures out how to make a life for herself.

All my best to you.

[Joyinrepetition]

This is absolutely so helpful and well said. My DSD posted something on her Facebook page earlier that really irritated me and I’m sure was in reference to her father (my husband) I was going to respond in defence, but your advice regarding JADE really helped me. So I’ve stepped back saying nothing as I feel if I had said something it could have potentially inflamed the situation as my DSD is currently in a bit of a BPD crisis, and my husband is often the target of the blame for her BPD.
Much love and thanks

[js friend]

Hi Hermom,

Much of what you have written I could have written myself at one time so I wouldnt be too hard on yourself.
You say that you are struggling using boundaries but try to keep in mind that they are used to protect our mental health and even our safety and I think they send a clear message to our pwbpd's that we are finally standing up for ourselves  and will no longer be a source of manipulation and abuse.

I think it is a great that you have a therapist that understands the dynamic as it will help to work your way through these issues as these may keep changing. and you will need the support. My thoughts on your gd not currently speaking to you is that maybe she has become your become your dd's confidant. My dd used to do this to her eldest child when she was lonely and didnt have any friends of her own or wasnt in a r/s. It put my gd in a place where she felt that she was responsible for dealing with many of udd's issues which was really unfair. It is really sad but hopefullly this will change in later years and when your gd is free from your dds control. I have 3 grandchildren and last saw the 2 eldest 4years ago so I have no idea what my udd is telling them now. I cant control it so I try not to worry about it so I just work on being well enough when we hopefully reconnect in the future.

[HerMom1989]

Thanks to those of you who replied.  I have to say I do find comfort in knowing that there are others out there in the same or similar situations.  As I mentioned, my daughter has excluded me for the past 2 years; not the first time, but the longest time.  I want so much to be able to support her, but even after 2 weeks I am stressed beyond belief and feel sick to my stomach.  I am working on not JADE-ing, but it takes effort.  I am definitely in FOG mode, but I feel like it’s more of a mist than a FOG at this point.  The one thing I will say, is that although it feels completely unnatural to voluntarily distance myself from my daughter, this might be my only option.  She is going through a separation and is completely unhinged.  Paranoid, false accusations, etc… and is trying to drag me into it.  Of course, if I don’t get involved, I am accused of not loving her, taking his side, so on and so forth.  Anyhow, I appreciate having this space to “talk” and really appreciate everyone’s input and expertise/experience.

[Ourworld]

Hi HerMom1989,

I just wanted to say that even though my daughter stopped communicating with me when she got married in 2011 and is now separated or divorced, she blames me for EVERYTHING that has happened in her life. I caused her to go from one abusive situation (she made that clear it was me) into another abusive situation! I never abused her in any way, which she has even said to her ex-husband, yet she still blames me for all her problems.

I certainly do not think you should involve yourself in any way with her separation. Believe me, if she needs anything from you she will probably let you know. So be an outsider.

Do Not blame yourself for these irrational feelings, always remember those 3 C’s: you did Not Cause this, you cannot Control her feelings, and you certainly cannot Cure this.

Take Care, OurWorld

[BPDstinks]

Hello to all of you!  I don't even know where I "fit in" with your comments (I love the FOG!) my 23 y/o BPD daughter is still not speaking to anyone in our family except my mother and my sister (don't even know WHAT to make of THAT...as those were the 2 people she despised (I could spend my life trying to figure this out!) I feel "at peace" (as much as I have since I last saw pw BPD (6/1/23) but...acknowledge, while I miss her so much, I DO not miss (as indicated!) the DREAD and fear I will say the wrong thing...saying prayers for all the BPD parents, because as the holidays approach, so does all of the sadness

[BPDstinks]

...I read "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and "Stop Walking On Egg Shells" (ironically, my pw BPD is the one who suggested I READ them!) I am so sorry you are going through this....I feel that my research, the books and this group make a TREMENDOUS difference!  Please feel free to reach out, if you like!