Are they stronger than we are ?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So from everything I have read from individual posts to various links I have followed they don't care.(Or in my case she didn't remember)
They love us then their illness takes over and they start their hatred towards us, false accusations their own paranoid beliefs etc.
Everything we do to help is not good enough and we are a doormat and a puppet on a string.
In my case her past was still her present, yes she had a bad past but so did I. I had 30 years of sh*te but I thought it was all worth it when I met her, my soulmate.
She said the same, but she was stuck in the past.

It's complicated I'll have to update this later when I can my brain is not running at a thousand miles an hour.
I've lost track of what I was trying to say, I think it was in the lines of they leave us in a mess while they carry on like nothing has happened so they must be stronger than us in a way?

[In a bad way]

So from everything I have read from individual posts to various links I have followed they don't care.(Or in my case she didn't remember)
They love us then their illness takes over and they start their hatred towards us, false accusations their own paranoid beliefs etc.
Everything we do to help is not good enough and we are a doormat and a puppet on a string.
In my case her past was still her present, yes she had a bad past but so did I. I had 30 years of sh*te but I thought it was all worth it when I met her, my soulmate.
She said the same, but she was stuck in the past.

It's complicated I'll have to update this later when I can my brain is not running at a thousand miles an hour.
I've lost track of what I was trying to say, I think it was in the lines of they leave us in a mess while they carry on like nothing has happened so they must be stronger than us in a way?

[neverloveagain]

I was with a waif BPDgf for 10 years delicate meek quiet and shy fragile, so confusing as I watched the terminator appear from within. I don't think it's that there stronger in retrospect just they really do live in the moment and whatever feelings they feel or manufacture. That looks stronger but it's really something else, what lies behind the armour is really rust and a nothingness that we might never understand.

[Keef]

In a bad way,



I can relate to this confusion, when trying to make sense of the other's behaviour you often end up more confused, less enlightened. We long for the lightbulb moments.

I think it was in the lines of they leave us in a mess while they carry on like nothing has happened so they must be stronger than us in a way?

While it can seem like our ex moves on blissfully ignorant I don't think that's the case, the shame they may be feeling is likely overwhelming - shutting down, shutting out, dissociating, etc are all survival techniques for pwBPD.

Let me say though that I know how you feel, I've been there. When I'm down I tend to believe I'm the weak one - she's the strong one. In my case these were often her actual words which gnawed on an already not too stable self-esteem.

What I want to say is this: after the failed r/s we have a chance to build ourselves again. We don't want to end up in similar situations in the future. We have the opportunity to take a look at why we stayed in the relationship to start with. Strength could in this case equal you building yourself up. Looking at your boundaries, setting new ones for the future. Not comparing yourself with her, not trying to analyze her.

So from everything I have read from individual posts to various links I have followed they don't care.(Or in my case she didn't remember)

While I think it's vital to educate yourself and do a fair amount of reading after the demise of this kind of relationship, I think it's also important to not start thinking in b&w. Maybe she did care but didn't have any tools at all to handle it? And now that the r/s is over, the only care you should care about is self-care 
This is where acceptance comes in.

I know that we seldom experience closure after a r/s like this. It leaves us upset, broken, with so many questions. Some of those we will have to accept not finding answers to.

Are you seeing a therapist/counsellor?
What are you doing to feel better about yourself?

Let us know how it goes.
/Keef

[woundedPhoenix]

i kind of look like it like this:

imagine you have a relationship with a burn victim which has burned and open skin all over the body.

You want to hold them, touch them lovingly, kiss them, ease their pain. But whenever you do that, their skin hurts, although they long deep inside to be comforted very much.

The more you wanna hold them, the more you wanna make them feel you are there, the more it hurts, and in the end the pain instinctually gets so strong that all they can do is beat you up whenever you even dare to come close.

Or leave you fleeing further painfull contact.

in BPD it is much the same, there is no visible painful skin though, it all is nicely hidden behind layers of cosmetic surgery.

They move on thinking you were that painful skin though, totally unaware that the painful skin is deep inside of themselves.

is that strength?

[Cantthinkofaname]

is that strength?

Hmm I would say so though that really depends on what you're talking about when you say strength.
If you look at it by your burn victim example, then they at least have the strength to carry on, survive and still try again. Like a burn victim wanting to be hugged, but everytime it hurts the skin, yet he/she tries again. Well at least that applies to those who haven't returned to isolation until their death or gave up their will to live.

Maybe it is not the smartest thing to try that over and over again when your skin hurts everytime, but it's definitely not a lack of strength. Quite the opposite. But it's rather something like a lack of self awareness, lack of self-control, stubbornness or whatever else it is that drives one to try the same thing over and over again.

[pgri8684]

it's not that they are stronger. They simple use their self-preservation tools to move on. It's about survival: the how, why, how to of the failed R/S don't matter.
Every self reflection is for them either hurtful or a dangerous slowdown in their impossible journey to happiness

[infjEpic]

I think it was in the lines of they leave us in a mess while they carry on like nothing has happened so they must be stronger than us in a way?

They were always a mess to begin with tho. We just weren't aware.

Strength is what you are doing now - facing this, discussing this, try to understand this, enduring this, recovering from this.
You will grow from it and actually become stronger.

Is she doing any of that?
Typically, they're not capable of any of that, so they live in a fantasy world.

Self Delusion does not equal strength, but it can assist in self preservation... .for a while anyway - nothing is learned so the pattern repeats ad nauseum

[Keef]

In a bad way, listen to what infjEpic says here, it's well put:

Strength is what you are doing now - facing this, discussing this, try to understand this, enduring this, recovering from this.
You will grow from it and actually become stronger.

[Pretty Woman]

Stronger? No. I think they are blissfully unaware. It's almost as if they have selective memory of events. They lie so much they believe their lies.

Strength? Hmm. They are survivors. Survivors of trauma as well as the chaos many of them manufacture. I believe if we ever go to nuclear war the only thing that will remain are Twinkies, Cockroaches and BPD's. They are indestructible. Doesn't mean they are stronger. They aren't complete, not whole, they don't possess an identity. They are like Walking-Dead Zombies. They survive but it's not much of an existence.

[Larmoyant]

To outsiders my ex looks strong. He’s an alpha male, confident, successful, apparently in control only he is not. Far, far from it. It is the appearance of strength, surface control to survive, but I know different. He is ready to erupt at any given moment and his emotional life is chaos. He lives a drama fuelled, exhausting existence. Going from one relationship to another hurting and causing hurt. Loving people then hating people. Not trusting a soul. Not believing he is lovable. Unless he gets help he is destined to repeat his destructive behaviour over and over. Just as he did with me, the girlfriends before and the girlfriend now.

Right now, from the outside, I seem weaker. I’m battling depression, recovering from the trauma he inflicted, but I am still the stronger one. When I recover I will have learned something. I will have the tools never to repeat this experience. I will emerge stronger than before and will be able to love and be loved in a consistent, respectful, kind manner. My moods don’t change at the flip of a switch, I do not rage and destroy people’s self-esteem, I do not cheat and cause them pain, I do not let them down when they need me, I am able to love consistently in a stable way, I have a chance at love. Without help he has none. Zero.

Yes, he has his well-honed defenses, but they don’t always protect him. I’ve seen him defenceless, lost, fearful and in incredible emotional pain. I wanted so much to help. He’s not strong at all.

[Aesir]

In my opinion my ex was not strong at all. She would not take responsibility and she had a very weak sense of self and identity.  She would go into depressive states because of what someone says to her or they ways she thought others viewed her. What made her seem like she was strong is the lack of empathy and painting herself as a victim and others as villains.

I on the other hand was not strong enough to leave her alone and even now I'm having difficult in being separated from her. The difference is that I don't have a need to paint anyone black to protect myself and she does. Since she's not in the wrong (in her mind) it's easier for her to go NC.

[apollotech]

"To outsiders my ex looks strong. He’s an alpha male, confident, successful, apparently in control only he is not. Far, far from it. It is the appearance of strength, surface control to survive, but I know different. He is ready to erupt at any given moment and his emotional life is chaos. He lives a drama fuelled, exhausting existence. Going from one relationship to another hurting and causing hurt. Loving people then hating people. Not trusting a soul. Not believing he is lovable. Unless he gets help he is destined to repeat his destructive behaviour over and over. Just as he did with me, the girlfriends before and the girlfriend now."

Just to use Larmoyant's example ^^^^ as context for a pwBPD, I don't belive that that could be stretched to fit into any sensible definition of strength. That to me seems to speak of a person who has little, if any, control over themselves, quite the opposite of strength.

[Soulcrushed4]

I feel that people who are willing to face their own inner demons or challenges are incredibly strong.
People that choose to go through life escaping or unwilling to address their issues and knowingly, and at times seemingly wilfully and gleefully causing harm to others are incredibly weak.

[infjEpic]

Right now, from the outside, I seem weaker. I’m battling depression, recovering from the trauma he inflicted, but I am still the stronger one.
When I recover I will have learned something.
I will have the tools never to repeat this experience.
I will emerge stronger than before and will be able to love and be loved in a consistent, respectful, kind manner.

My moods don’t change at the flip of a switch,
I do not rage and destroy people’s self-esteem,
I do not cheat and cause them pain,
I do not let them down when they need me,
I am able to love consistently in a stable way,
I have a chance at love.

Awesome post & so well articulated. Bookmarked!

[In a bad way]

Thanks everyone I appreciate it.
I struggle to write what I want because my mind is going too fast, by stronger I was trying to say that in my case she has just wiped me out of existence whereas I'm left in a mess.
She has probably had a few replacements since me and to her it's easy to just carry on.Hence why I say stronger.
Me I am a nervous wreck and I'm sure I am developing agoraphobia, I get scared at the thought of going out of the house, it took me a week to get to the shop and I was terrified in there.
I'm sure she is happily getting on.

[pgri8684]

I agree completely with the importance of a replacement. Why they seem so easy with their new life is deeply connected with the finding of a new SO. The past doesn't matter any more.
We, NON, have learned that's a replacement is not the solution. We must heal first (it hurts), be alone and then find a sustainable love